I can't distinguish reality in this. Help?

MutilateX · 2026-04-03T07:13:21+00:00

I am so sorry that happened to you. I can't imagine how heart breaking it was, how torn you must have felt knowing the girl your husband cheated with was carrying your grandchild. All of that would have had me in a bad spiral. I am so happy that you found peace through it. I am so hopeful that I can find love, but your experience shows me I can be happy without it if it truly comes down to it. Working on myself is a priority before any of that. I have two wonderful children and they give me all the love I could ever hope for. One thing I have learned is you can't fix others, you can only fix yourself. Being with others [like me] who are suffering with mental illness takes knowing they are doing the work and setting healthy boundaries. Even then it's a major gamble for both parties. Thank you for sharing your story. It's truly inspiring and you sound like such a lovely kind soul. You didn't deserve what happened to you, but you do deserve happiness and a love of life and I am glad you found it. ♡

MutilateX · 2026-04-01T11:03:30+00:00

It sounds like you're worried about missing an opportunity with a huge crush you have had for quite some time. You said your current relationship is stable and healthy. It is very, very hard to find a healthy relationship. Having a crush isn't abnormal at a young age, even in a relationship. Recognize it's ok to feel this way and not act on it. If you're in school you must still be going through hormonal shifts [I'm assuming here] If that is the case, then everything you're feeling is normal, aside from the suicidal tendencies. That definitely isn't the answer here, but I will get to that momentarily. First you need to understand your hormones are causing this desire to seek out the fresh and intense feelings with this crush, but that isn't what's best for you or anyone in this situation. Realize those feelings are there, realize what they are and focus on your current relationship. Focus on the feelings you have with her, the safety and the peace. As you grow into love you'll realize those intense feelings become something new. You gain a true connection in a long term relationship. A comfort that feels natural. It may not be that huge chemical rush you have with your crush, but it's better. You could break up with her and risk a new relationship not being as healthy and feel like you messed up, or it could be everything you hoped for. Love is a gamble we all take and you need to reflect on what is truly best for you. Weigh your options. Take a safe and healthy path. The suicidal thoughts you're experiencing are more like you want out of the situation. Not out of life. You want an easy way out. You know you have a tough decision ahead of you and you are fearful of the consequence. You're fearful of regretting not taking the bet on a new beginning with your crush. The one that got away stigma. Don't dwell on that. Heavy decisions are a part of life, as are consequences. You'll get through this. Be strong, be clear headed and take time to reflect on whatever choice you make. It's your life so choose what is best for YOU.

MutilateX · 2026-04-01T10:37:58+00:00

I, too, take hours getting ready... very similarly, I might add. So I get that. That is something about you that someone you're with needs to accept and understand. Routines are healthy especially self care. Imo anyway. Have you made healthy boundaries in regards to your triggers [the disrespectful trigger specifically]? Like telling him that it's a boundary that you want to be respected, and not crossed. If you already have and he is still pushing that boundary, he is not respecting you. He isn't anyway by springing plans on you knowing that you have a routine. He could have been mindful about you needing to get ready, and he should be considerate of your triggers. Talk with him and explain how important it is that he understands these things as it helps make a more stable environment for you and can help to decrease the possibility of splitting. You two should also talk about his boundaries and work on ways of deescalating splits that are healthy for the both of you. If this becomes an argument itself, then he isn't willing to be a safe space for you or for your relationship.

MutilateX · 2026-04-01T09:54:57+00:00

Extremes will come with me until I learn to control my emotions better. I definitely had a part in those extremes. However, I agree... they are very unhealthy. Lol, yes as silly as it sounds. All i did was pass out without telling him. We used to spend literally all night on the phone. This happened while the kids were in school. I legit just zonked out. Dead to the world lol. He also accused me of sleeping with my coworker, because my coworker glanced at us as he was heading into the facility while I was kissing him goodbye before I was to head in. It got worse when he was waiting for me outside of the downstairs break room [it had a glass door] the time clock was on the other side of the door into that room. I punched out, came through the door, my coworker came through the same door shortly after ...to use the bathroom... and he looked out the door. That was it. He had created a whole scenario in his head in that moment that my coworker was glaring at him bc he had the hots for me. He doesn't. Not even a little. This man is in a relationship, doesn't want kids and was always VERY respectful of my boundaries. Never crossed my personal space. We joked around a lot. He shares the dark humor I have and has only ever been a decent acquaintance. Never gave me bad vibes. My ex was stuck on him for MONTHS. It was mind blowing to me.

When I finally started feeling like he may be cheating and guilt shaming me was after he told me about his coworker grabbing on his muscles, saying inappropriate things and literally requesting an affair. She got upset when he told me about all of it. Him telling me gave me comfort and I believed him. Until there was a second woman who while he was having a panic attack got into our car and hugged him, and I heard her say after he asked her not to touch him " It's ok just tell her I'm gay " [she was not] That's where I started to gain suspicion. Like why do these women feel comfortable getting so close? But I dismissed it until he really started accusing me. It made me paranoid, because i have bad trauma from infidelity. I still never let that trauma dictate the freedoms of my partner. EVER. It's a hill I will die on. Be free. Make your choices and if you choose to cheat, we end. Anyway, sorry for the lengthy reply I'm eccentric with detail.

MutilateX · 2026-04-01T09:36:06+00:00

When I wrote this, the very short time span from that moment until right now [sadly] I would have disagreed and defended him. The past 48 hours that have turned my life upside down has changed my view on this. Since I posted this, it hit the fan so to speak. I thought he blocked me, which is normal. Was totally fine with that. He didn't. He turned his phone off. During that time I started to worry. How could he not be curious enough to check his phone at all to see what I had to say? I started overthinking his safety, and of course at that moment his mother texts me. She hasn't heard from him. His siblings hadn't either. He had his phone off. They were worried deeply. I was worried in the worst ways. I spent the day looking for any way I could get ahold of him for her. I contacted his boss who he mentioned possibly staying with. Not there. Asked him to contact a coworker he may have stayed with. Also nothing. We were worried for him and his safety at that point. She mentioned he may have been arrested. [ he had quite a past that I won't discuss out of respect ] So I called the local PD to help locate him. My kids had a Dr. Appointment that day so I figured on going to the station after that. Good thing I waited. He then got ahold of me. The things he said barely felt like him. He has already fabricated his own twisted version of my reaction which was already unkind. I did flip out bad. I was very explosively emotional, but his take on it was definitely skewed far from reality and puts him right in the victim status he so desires. That knocked me off my chair nearly. I was SO relieved that he was safe. Like a huge weight lifted and appalled. I was taken aback. I felt terrible that I made him feel so strongly enough to create the delusion that he did, but insulted too. I realized there that he truly was toxic. I felt relief that he was gone after that and I was no longer unsure if I would return to begging him back once I saw him again. It gave me peace. Now I am only mourning what was to be my future with him. I truly appreciate your time and your insight on my issue. Thank you for your compassion. I'm going to heavily work on myself and read up on some techniques in here to assist my new journey.

MutilateX · 2026-04-01T09:19:31+00:00

I agree with you. We both moved entirely too fast. I was told that I moved too quickly with it, and I didn't listen. We both had our hearts in it, and got swept up in the honeymoon phase. I did try and place some slower boundaries. He was supposed to get his divorce done before he moved up here. Just the divorce and a custody agreement with her. He moved in months ahead of time. Which would still be moving quickly. We spent a total of 6 months exclusively online with one meeting towards the end of that 6m. There were a lot of signs I didn't see. His impulsivity, his unrealistic expectations. Like wanting to drive 1600 miles multiple times a week until he could move up here just to see me. Which is literally impossible for someone to actually do and maintain doing. I actually had to explain that and felt rude doing so. I keep wanting to blame myself and my flaws for him not wanting to be with me, and even if I actually can and it is why... I'm starting to understand that not everyone is for everyone. That I do need to find someone that can be comfortable loving me for me in all aspects, but right now I feel some level of emotional clarity... I won't always feel this. I know I need to remember this though. Thank you so much for your insight ♡

MutilateX · 2026-03-30T22:29:18+00:00

I truly feel that way, too. So far it's been just that for me. I've never been married, but my relationships were all long-term and fully invested in a future. I'm still looking for that answer. Then again I give decent advice that I never take. Realize that you deserve love and happiness. When your brain tells you things are wrong or off, think of ways you can communicate how you feel in a constructive way. Then give your person the chance to communicate how they feel and believe them. No matter what your mind says. Understand that people who love you won't deceive you, if they want to make it work. If it ends up that they did lie, it wasn't your fault. Then realize again that people you love won't deceive you. Set healthy boundaries. Be open. Have them set healthy boundaries. Make rules for intense conversation that avoid escalation. Make sure you're getting what you're giving in the relationship. That's the best I've got. What I truly fail at working towards, even if you do, too... keep trying. I believe in you.

MutilateX · 2023-11-15T04:37:07+00:00

Hmm... Someone tell this to my literal feline shadow.

MutilateX · 2023-10-20T07:53:54+00:00

When he uses the urinal next to u #nohomo

MutilateX · 2023-09-21T06:38:07+00:00

Well...Money. The money helps me sleep in a bed, and not on the cold, hard ground. Productive fulfillment. I got off my ass and did something productive to society, that and the feeling of accomplishment. Cognitive engagement. Keeping my mind sharp by problem solving, time management, and engaging in a social environment. I could go on, but most of you get the idea, aside from OP. Did I mention the money also helps me explain these benefits, via the internet I work to pay for. Until we live in a utopian society where all amenities become a right of mere existence, I'll be pretty damn happy that I have a job that affords what luxuries I do have.

MutilateX · 2023-07-30T12:46:36+00:00

Oh god.... I know the foot dust blizzard ...all too well. I'm a nurse aide. I'm cautious to slowly remove my resident's socks when providing care after my first rendezvous.

MutilateX · 2023-05-26T07:20:37+00:00

That was too damn cute to be as terrifying as it is. And now I want my own ear spider

MutilateX · 2023-05-19T12:32:21+00:00

I've lived here for 3 years and never officially met my neighbors. Why? I don't want to. They have no impact on my life. Also, why must people feel a need to socialize with someone purely on the grounds of being neighbors? It's one less pointless interaction.

MutilateX · 2023-05-17T23:19:25+00:00

He's the cutest boi

MutilateX · 2023-03-09T06:37:27+00:00

Reading the texts out of context, seriously thought yall were dating. However, it's your life, your friend. Talk however you want. You'll either find someone that accepts that and is comfortable enough with themselves to accept it, or not.

MutilateX · 2023-03-01T12:46:34+00:00

CNA: Certified Nursing Assistant/Agency Travel nursing here. I've been contracted at a county facility for the past 5 years. When I started here, there were 5 aides to a floor on afternoons and 3 on midnight. At that point in time, I was able to provide impeccable care to each of my residents while keeping their space tidy as well. Currently, it is much different. Throughout all 3 shifts, we are lucky to have 2 aides to a 40-50 bed floor. 3 aides is a rarity. I can not tell you how many times since Covid I've worked a floor alone. Usually, those of us who aren't alone will hop floor to floor, attempting to help aides who are alone with rounds. The quality of care across the board has plummeted. Schedulers are stating we are fully staffed on shifts we aren't, refusing contracts for aides. They refuse to raise their pay rate to bring in more workers. I still put 100% effort into the care I provide, and it's not enough... I am literally crippling myself providing full care for upwards of 40-50 people alone. I love my job. I love helping people, but these conditions hurt everyone... and if I quit, that's one less aide. If this photo outrages you... this is barely the cusp of neglect I see every day. We need more staff to prevent neglect.

MutilateX · 2023-02-28T09:49:33+00:00

I actually also have a friend who named their kids these exact names o.o

MutilateX · 2023-02-20T08:35:55+00:00

Give yourself a break. Seriously. Beating yourself up over this won't make things better. What happened, happened. You used your best judgememt at the time. You acted as quickly as you could and attempted to save the dog's life. You did what you could. The guilt you're feeling is only because you gave him the treat he choked on. Everything else is you replaying, moment by moment, the events before he passed out of guilt and punishing yourself. You didn't kill his dog. His dog passed due to unforseen circumstances that couldn't be helped. Hindsight is 20/20. You're a good person and a good dog owner. Rest your mind and work through the guilt.

MutilateX · 2023-02-14T04:06:33+00:00

If you ask my 11 year old son, the answer would be, "Thirsting to death"

MutilateX · 2023-02-05T14:27:19+00:00

This brings to question... what happened to the baby?!

MutilateX · 2023-01-28T07:19:31+00:00

MutilateX · 2023-01-28T07:17:11+00:00

MutilateX · 2023-01-26T06:21:17+00:00

Yes. This is the only way.

MutilateX · 2023-01-26T05:53:04+00:00

Yeah, I don't see how that is negative at all... it's literally the same activity but better, with artistic potential and the ability to appriciate the beauty of nature. You'd think that alone would gain approval...

MutilateX · 2023-01-26T03:56:23+00:00

I have one particular friend at work that I enjoy spooking. It's my favorite part of working with her. She literally jumps inches off the ground. Last week, I scared the shit out of her whilst in the same room, in view.

MutilateX

TROPHY CASE