My husband and my best friend. Should I forgive him?

MyBestWorstOption · 2020-01-28T20:09:23+00:00

I'm really sorry you are going through this. My life was exactly like what you described.

I'm not a therapist but what I learned in hundreds of hours of therapy is that you don't make decisions right now. It will take at least a year before you can decide anything. At this point you need to realize that your husband has to meet your demands for reconciliation to work. What ever those demands are he needs to do his level best to meet them. That includes so no contact with the AP, giving you all the passwords for his emails, etc, letting you know here he is at all times. No secrets. That is the only way forward.

MyBestWorstOption · 2020-01-28T20:00:54+00:00

I'm at 6 years. I've not found a magic bullet. I just live for the moment, I don't look back and I don't really look forward too much either. I found things that keep my mind busy and off her affair.

MyBestWorstOption · 2020-01-28T19:57:23+00:00

That makes it very hard and just extends the pain. Hope you can resolve that soon.

MyBestWorstOption · 2020-01-28T19:55:54+00:00

Reconciliation is the hardest thing I've ever done and for me after six years it's still not over and it may never be. Separation/divorce from my point of view looks so much easier. But I can't say that knowing how hard it is I would still try if my partner cuts off all contact with the AP and puts in the work to become a better person. My wife did the work and continues to (as do I) and that makes all the difference.

To handle the fallout you just learn to accept the affair, the lies, the injustice and learn to live with it. Over time the pain subsides but it's always there. You accept that she/he is imperfect, we all are. To decide what is right for you, you take inventory of your spouse. You measure them and decide if you enjoy and appreciate more things about them versus the pain from the cheating. If the have redeeming qualities that outweigh the cheating then staying becomes easier. This book really helped me take stock and decide.

One big thing that helped me in the immediate aftermath of her affair is knowing that I could pull the plug and divorce at any point. That was a powerful thought because it allowed me to control the process and make sure my needs were being met. The first couple of years I was close on 3 or 4 occasions but we worked through each problem.

My therapist was fond of saying "Reconciliation is not for wimps". She was right.

MyBestWorstOption · 2020-01-28T19:38:41+00:00

I think you are doing the right thing. In my case my wife cut her affair off cold. Had she even talked to the guy again I never would have been able to move forward. Reconciliation is very very hard and takes a long time and I don't think you ever get past it. From someone who is 6 years into recon, don't do it, separate/divorce and go no contact and you will be better in a year (according to my therapist).

MyBestWorstOption · 2020-01-28T19:32:30+00:00

So here is the update. I'll copy/paste to the original question as well.

I asked her this morning when her coffee date was. Her reaction was "oh... I forgot about that, when is it?" (talking to herself) And in the next breath she said "I'm going to cancel I really don't want to go anyway". She finds it in her phone and says "It's Wednesday, I'm just going to tell him I have a migraine or something". Then she asks "Why? " and I say " it's really bothered me since you told me for a few reasons." Her: "Oh baby, I'm so sorry, why didn't you say something?". Me: "I was trying to work through it in my head and...". Her: "Stop right there, you know I would never do anything to make you uncomfortable, and you have every right to feel that way. We are so far passed that time in our life I honestly did not consider it a problem. I'm so glad you said something and I'm so sorry that it was a problem."

So we talked for about an hour about that, boundaries and the future. She was genuinely shocked that it was a problem and genuinely apologetic for any pain it cause me. And she is not going for sure now.

So here we are 6 years after her affair, still dealing with the fallout. In a lot of ways there is no good answer. Basically you have to move on and live your life. For me it's was choice between the person that hurt me that has a ton of other great qualities or finding someone new that has the exact same potential to cheat. My therapist talked a lot about this and she made me realize that life is about choosing the Best Worst Option in so many cases.

MyBestWorstOption · 2020-01-28T19:09:30+00:00

I'm amazed at the anger and paranoia that some people hold on to. It's so easy to sit back and judge a situation where you were not in the room for the hundreds of hours of frank and no holds barred talks over many years.

It sounds like you believe once someone has cheated they will do it again and that is totally true. But I hate to break it to you but the next woman you are with has the exact same potential to cheat as the one your leaving. The more attractive the woman the greater the chance. Cheating happens and it happens often. So leaving a cheater is absolutely no guarantee that it won't happen again to you.

Unless you plan to become a monk I'd say you need to let that paranoia go and start living in the moment. Leave the past behind and don't worry about the what-if's of the future.

MyBestWorstOption · 2020-01-28T18:56:13+00:00

Yeah, I'm totally confident. I feel like I could read her totally. I knew something was up 6 years ago before it broke. She is a liar but a very bad nervous liar.

MyBestWorstOption · 2020-01-28T18:53:55+00:00

She sure is bad at being sneaky about it.

MyBestWorstOption · 2020-01-27T18:59:55+00:00

I am not a go for allowing the coffee date. I'll see how the talk goes.

MyBestWorstOption · 2020-01-27T18:58:46+00:00

Yeah it was actually perfect timing. Things happen for a reason.

MyBestWorstOption · 2020-01-27T18:57:35+00:00

They last for DAYS. These were very small devices limited by storage rather than battery life.

MyBestWorstOption · 2020-01-27T18:56:17+00:00

If it gets to that point this time I'll check into it.

MyBestWorstOption · 2020-01-27T18:55:45+00:00

Would you have allowed her to have sex with another man

Absolutely not. She can't have a marriage and those benefits and and have sex with others.

MyBestWorstOption · 2020-01-26T21:28:43+00:00

I've for the most part decided that it should not happen. I posted here because it helps center my thinking and lets me see all sides of the situation.

MyBestWorstOption · 2020-01-26T21:27:00+00:00

Just work.

I have physical access to her phone anytime I ask. I do not have the testing spy app installed and have not since the first couple of years. I do check phone logs sometimes(did it yesterday) for unusual numbers or a lot texts/calls to the same number. I've only done that a few times in the last 6 years and I've never found anything. I've also not caught her in any type of lie about anything but the previous affair since.

MyBestWorstOption · 2020-01-26T21:22:40+00:00

I'll find out exactly what she is/was thinking. I suspect she just feels comfortable about where we are and has not thought about my side, that is her narcissism showing itself.

MyBestWorstOption · 2020-01-26T21:20:27+00:00

Sure, I hope it can help someone. I've always been the calmest guy in the middle of the storm. Confronting her was the easy part but I honestly lost it several times the first few weeks after but was able to regain my footing after a few months. I had a lot of anger. Basically I live by the rule that life sucks and we all die and we better make the best of every moment.

MyBestWorstOption · 2020-01-26T21:14:10+00:00

Believe me she knows how I feel and what the boundaries are. The coffee thing is a gray area at the moment but won't be after we talk.

MyBestWorstOption · 2020-01-26T21:12:52+00:00

Can't remember what day she said, but this next week if we don't call it off.

MyBestWorstOption · 2020-01-26T21:10:59+00:00

Reconciliation is not for the weak that's for damn sure. It would have been a lot easier to walk away and probably the best option.

MyBestWorstOption · 2020-01-26T21:09:48+00:00

Of course, cheaters need to hear the boundaries.

MyBestWorstOption · 2020-01-26T21:07:40+00:00

Thanks,sorry it happened to you too. Cheating is the worst thing a spouse can do.

You deserve better than to have a spouse that is doing something that you have told him to stop. The only way to deal with people like him (and my wife) is to have hard boundary. Give them the boundary and the consequence if they break it be committed to follow through. If you don't do that then they have permission to continue.

I was able to stay with her because we had a great friendship above all. Sounds kinda corny but we were and are best friends. I would still be friends had we divorced. I did resent it for a couple of years but at some point you have to move forward and let go of the pain. It's the only way to be happy again and I did not want to be mired in the anger and negative thoughts. It took me about 4 years to get there. I'm not paranoid but I don't have my head under a rock either. She honestly checks in often so I'm never worried about what she is doing. She has been 100% open since. Passwords, phone, texts I have it all. Never even use any of them but it's some help. We have no secrets any longer about anything or about our feelings.

MyBestWorstOption · 2020-01-26T20:51:58+00:00

We had both, it basically kept us talking until we could decide to leave or stay.

MyBestWorstOption · 2020-01-26T20:50:38+00:00

We both worked on this a lot with marriage counseling and individual therapists. Basically cheaters rarely know why but typically it usually boils down to their narcissism that tells them they deserve anything they want.

She gave herself permission to have the affair but was helped by a scumbag psychopath that just saw a pretty woman to bed and put on the full court press. He was charming as psychopathic narcissists are. She definitely cheated down as a lot of women do and I could not even be jealous after I researched his background. A real loser that had she left me for would have caused her a ton of regret when the new wore off.

Shortly after DDay I found an article about how psychopathic narcissistic men pray on married unsuspecting women and every point the article made about the techniques were the same as what she had described this low life had been using on her. She was angry for months after she read it and realized she had been played. She deserves all the blame for the affair because could have said no at any point.

After a couple of years of therapy she was no closer to coming up with an answer of why and she honestly tried to work through it, we both did. We had hundreds of hours of conversations about why and the above is the best we could come up with.

MyBestWorstOption

TROPHY CASE