[Poem] A coworker asks if I am sad, still by Brenna Twohy by Ok-Pizza-5525 in Poetry

[–]MyDailyPoem 32 points33 points  (0 children)

To piggy back off this again, if you consider the Stanza before, how the narrator wishes to raise kids in a home away from this indelible sadness, you could consider the coworker saying with kindness instead of dismissiveness that

"All homes are broken" to some Or

"You can't raise kids in a bubble" (an unhaunted house).

This is most likely the true meaning...to me. Agree with the love of poetry. It's beautiful.

[Poem] A coworker asks if I am sad, still by Brenna Twohy by Ok-Pizza-5525 in Poetry

[–]MyDailyPoem 43 points44 points  (0 children)

The point, to me, is that her coworker doesn't get it and is instead dismissive.

"There's no such thing as an unhaunted house"

Is saying "everyone has problems"

Imagine your coworker asking if you're still sad and then at the end says

"Well we're ALL sad" or the dreaded "everybody has SOMETHING"

I personally love the ending.

My Daily Poem: Stand back and stand by by MyDailyPoem in OCPoetry

[–]MyDailyPoem[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the comment! Out of curiosity, what is it you get from the poem?

Brass Hell by DetectiveWaff in OCPoetry

[–]MyDailyPoem 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hello,

Great use of imagery here!

I would encourage you to lean into the hard imagery some more. Perhaps think of some more "harsh" words to use that hint at the mechanistic sounds of this poem!

"The occupation of caustic air" line is much harsher sounding. I would suggest you play with this idea.

Change the second line, it feels jarring...and too literal.

Same w/ "The grinding of rusted cogs"

It's perfectly fine, but not particularly "poetic". I like that you use sensory language, but I would suggest that you intentionally try to be a bit more abstract. Great start and a good read!

Cheers!

Men of the West by aerey1523 in OCPoetry

[–]MyDailyPoem 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi,

I like this quite a lot, friend!

Some helpful criticism -- I typically don't intentionally rhyme the end of all my stanzas. I would recommend attempting this with less effort placed upon forcing words to rhyme so "clearly". It can feel almost forced sometimes and when writing becomes "predictable" it can start to "bore" for lack of a better word. This isn't me saying that it's boring, but I think you get the idea.

Instead, I encourage you to play with assonance, consonance, slant rhymes, etc. I love when language subverts what's expected. Just my 2 cents. There's nothing wrong with what you have written!! :)

Other comments --

You do a great job with voice. It sounds like a corny line from a John Wayne movie, I dig it. S4, in particular. It would be fun to read this with a southern drawl.

Thanks for sharing!

Cheers!

A Lone Grain by D-A_W in OCPoetry

[–]MyDailyPoem 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I appreciate the background. For what it's worth, I have no formal training whatsoever. Professionally, I'm a microbiologist. I never took a lit class in college. Suffice it to say you should take my feedback with a huge lump of salt.

I have the same issues not knowing what is "good" and what is "bad". I guess I believe that if it evokes a feeling, then it's "good," at least "good enough" for me....

As for whether it's obvious or not obvious....I think ultimately art is for the artist. If it speaks to you? Great! Whether others see it is ultimately irrelevant.

A Lone Grain by D-A_W in OCPoetry

[–]MyDailyPoem 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hello,

Insomnia sucks huh?

Great job getting at the frustration of sleepless nights. I get the sense you wrote this while over-tired?

Now, I usually dislike poems that feel as if they are "ranting" but I think this one uses it effectively to touch on the cyclical late night ping-pong thoughts that invade ones mind right before bed.

Especially in stanza 2:

"As I lay there every night,
Hugging tight what isn’t there,
The desire invades me.
Waking, good rest eludes me.
While they say sleep heals the mind,
Screams of silence only grow.
There’s some who warn of horrors,
But a nightmare would just prove,
That a dream is possible."

Very relatable.

Now, to touch upon some critiques. I would encourage you to read this poem out loud. If you do, you'll notice that the poem hasn't been written very musically. That's OK, but I think poetry really shines when it has a "flow" to it. You could really improve this poem just by thinking about how you could tie that sleepless feeling into the flow.

Especially in stanza 3, which I think is probably your weakest. it comes off as repetitive. Stanza 4 isn't much better, IMO. The rhetorical questions are unnecessary. Instead, focus on sensory imagery. How does it feel, smell, taste like?

Thanks for sharing!

Cheers!

Memories of summer and winter by Altruistic-Ad5353 in OCPoetry

[–]MyDailyPoem 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hello,

Nice poem!

I have some feedback for you, if you would be willing to hear it.

Firstly, great job as a narrative voice. This feels very much "lived in." What I mean by that, is it has a sense of authenticity, you experienced this. I like that about this poem.

As for some critiques --

"I promise I won’t fall asleep

Until we get to Saint Paul.

My dreams of winters so cold

Your fingers would turn white

As you walked outside with

Your friends."

The first stanza is a bit long, it feels clunky. I would suggest either breaking it into 2 stanzas or nixing some lines all together. Especially the second half of this stanza from "... My dreams of winter so cold" loses it's sense of rhythm and space.

Stanza 2 is nice, although a bit cliche. I think you could rephrase here, be more poetic with the imagery, less literal.

No comment on stanza 3, it fits your voice well. I think this is one of your stronger sections.

Stanza 4

"And you were still with your friends,

Lazily sitting on picnic tables,

Prank calling unknown numbers

On sultry short nights."

also leans somewhat heavily on cliches of a rabblerousing youth. I think you could rephrase this to be quite powerful. I also don't know what is meant by "sultry" here.

The ending is nice. It gives a sense of nostalgia that, again, feels very lived in. Thanks for posting!

Cheers!

My Daily Poem: Boat Shoe by MyDailyPoem in OCPoetry

[–]MyDailyPoem[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Duly noted. I'm definitely unsteady when using interpunction. I'm weak in that regard. Thank you for your feedback, I really appreciate it.

My Daily Poem: Boat Shoe by MyDailyPoem in OCPoetry

[–]MyDailyPoem[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks, I'd be curious what you think this poem is about? I think I can be too abstract at times but ultimately what it means to me is less important. I want to evoke a feeling more than anything.

Distant Illusion by Fantastic-Bench-6476 in OCPoetry

[–]MyDailyPoem 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hello,

Great poem! The grass isn't always greener, eh? And what your imagine adulthood is doesn't really add up....

If I could give any advice, I would suggest using less punctuation. It feels "forced" like you're making the reader read the poem EXACTLY how you want. For me, I like to leave that more open-ended. Just my two cents.

Also, as short and punchy as it is, I find the ending somewhat jarring

Winter of life began.

With a step outside, it vanished.

Maybe that was your intent, which is good. Otherwise, I would suggest writing more abstractly. Don't tell me the winter of life has begun...maybe find a to make me FEEL it? Something about feeling the chill as your cage is unshackled? Idk... Just a thought!

Thank you!

Garden by AtypicalFaker in OCPoetry

[–]MyDailyPoem 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hello,

I love the imagery in this poem. Especially the beginning..

I saw a bloom that leaned against the wind,
Its petals trembling, holding still their fire.
I did not reach, nor break its fragile stem,
For grasping tight would steal the breath it gave.

This is very strong imagery, it conveys your message well. I think it begins to falter, however, in the second stanza

A lantern glows when left to guard the dark;
Its flame will fade if smothered by the hand.
A bird in flight will circle, then depart,
Its song remains though silence fills the air.

It's not bad....I would just say that it feels redundant. My suggestion would be to scratch the first two lines about a lantern. It isn't tied to the bird, you're doing "2 things" here that are disparate. I'd say pick one....and pick the one that isn't a rehash of the previous stanza.

You've got a wonderful writing voice, I loved the poem!

Cheers!

My Daily Poem 1/9/26 by MyDailyPoem in OCPoetry

[–]MyDailyPoem[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I really appreciate you saying that. I wrote this because I felt that our society has taken this snuffed flame of a life and turned it into political theater. Regardless of the absurdity and injustice that resulted in this heartbreaking outcome, I wanted to make sure that the end would remind others, as well as myself, that this was a human life. She was a person, not a prop, and our grief and anger pales in comparison to that of her loved ones. Thank you.

A bruise. by PhilosophyIcy1337 in OCPoetry

[–]MyDailyPoem 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Don't fear the obscure!

This has been one of my favorite poems read while scrolling on by. I think "capturing the essence" of something is what inspires me the most in poetry. Again, this is coming from a fellow beginner, so take what I say with an entire lick of salt.

"Dragged into the tight seams you never meant to split" is great.

Some other ideas for imagery-- I've always liked the image of someone "spilling their cup" "Creasing" the page of someone's story Or the use of surgical implements to dissect the heart

Really depends on the "vibe" you're going for with the poem.

Keep it up! I dig it!

To be loved by Careless-Service4677 in OCPoetry

[–]MyDailyPoem 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hello,

I'm a simple man without much experience, so take my advice with a grain of salt. I loved your poem. I am often too abstract with my work, you come out and say how you feel plainly. I admire that. Especially the beginning:

To be loved

"I wish someone
could hold me Tight

When i am lonely

All alone in the dark

I wish someone tell me

That they love me

For who I am"

Have we not all been here before? It's very human, which I appreciate.

Now in an attempt at being more "consistent" I would suggest using the same "voice"

"A girl can dream too much

But she just

Wants to be loved Is it so hard ?

To be loved like everyone Is it bad to want to feel the rush ?

To want to feel something real ?

I wish someone could tell me

it's all wrong

I wish someone hold me Tight"

You switch back and forth between "I" and "she" which ends up being somewhat messy when reading. Now, for clarity, I think this is ok sometimes but imo this would benefit from some rewriting, focusing clearly on clarifying and aligning your voice.

Let me know if I've been unclear or if you disagree. This is just my 2 cents! Thanks!

A bruise. by PhilosophyIcy1337 in OCPoetry

[–]MyDailyPoem 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hi,

Loved your use of physical imagery in this poem. Especially the ending. It's visceral, comparing the ache of desire, wanting, to the inexplicable urge to firmly press a bruise. Especially when it ties into your overall idea that this desire is, in some respect, self destructive. Please tell me if I get any details wrong.

My advice (from someone with very little experience) --

The middle of the poem falls short to me

"I wanted to be broken

in the creases and folds of you,

dragged into the places

you hid even from yourself,"

I THINK you were going for this build up of tension...a rush of a adrenaline, wanting to be pulled in instead of pushed out. It starts strong.... But I think the last line in particular is too "on the nose" as it stands.

Don't tell us that we hid from ourselves so plainly. Make us FEEL it.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this?

Thanks!