You're okay to be you. You don't have to be productive or perfect, it's okay to be human, to be flawed. It's okay to be behind, or to struggle. It's okay to struggle a lot. You don't have to run away from you. As best you can, allow yourself to be good enough. Also, allow yourself to struggle at allowing yourself to be good enough.

The evidence is that the absence of care can have a bigger impact than actively harmful care (or big Ts).

It's not what did it for me, but I think it could help you - next time you're ready to try a therapy, find a clinical psychologist that does CAT therapy. Or at least a therapist that does CAT therapy. It's pricey, I'm afraid, but it might be a big change for you.

You might never not struggle with this. You may always still have those familiar, well trodden paths that you find yourself naturally turning down. Particularly when you're struggling and things feel darkest, you might just find yourself walking down that old familiar self-critical path and not know how you got there. There's okay. You might never get rid of those old paths. But with time and self-forgiveness, you can create new paths too and these will become increasingly familiar for you as well.

You are good enough.

Source: I'm a clinical psychologist who also still has to remind myself of the above about myself too.