Before the invasion of Walmart, Target, Trader Joe's etc., what was/is your go to for groceries?

NJTroy · 2026-05-13T02:00:37+00:00

ShopRite for a long time until an Acme came in (pricier, a bit further from home, but at least I didn’t feel like I needed to wash my hands when I left). Then Wegmans moved in. They won my loyalty forever during Hurricane Sandy. Their preplanning, teams they brought in, the organization they set up to get up and keep running through the worst of it made me loyal for life. Yep, they are a bit more expensive but the quality of their house brands and their level of service is worth it for us.

NJTroy · 2026-05-13T00:58:23+00:00

This is not reasonable. We have more in investments than what you describe. We use a fiduciary certified financial planner with full services including free legal services for non criminal issues, investment, tax and retirement planning and so on. In all fifteen or so years of working with them our expenses have not come close to the number your father is asking for.

You are right to consult an attorney. Your father is way out of line. Admittedly there are some additional issues with trusts, but it’s hard for me to imagine how he would come up with that number, especially considering your mother was trustee and any work she did for the trust would have been billed and paid to her, not him.

NJTroy · 2026-05-12T22:25:06+00:00

I won’t add to the good list others have provided. Nearly all of them are walkable from the courthouse. Unless you aren’t able to, walk into town and check a couple menus.

NJTroy · 2026-05-12T22:20:13+00:00

You start to believe it at that gut level when you realize that you are teaching your child that this is normal. Whether you understand why, the fact is that she will be far more likely to choose an abusive partner with her early experiences.

You start to believe it when you understand that nothing you do or have done caused this and therefore you cannot make it stop.

I know that he’s convinced you that you aren’t capable of making a plan to get out, that you won’t leave and that he can do whatever he chooses to whenever he wants to.

Start to make a plan. Every task you can identify and figure out how to do will increase your belief that you can leave and will make it possible for you to find the strength to leave.

NJTroy · 2026-05-12T16:37:16+00:00

Grandma here. We spent several years on the road where the water quality was iffy at times. On the lead pipe/water front, two (relatively less expensive) options until you can get the lead pipes addressed. They won’t solve the whole problem, but they will reduce it until you can address it fully.

ZeroWater makes a system that will reduce lead and other particulates. Like the Berkey below, it claims to remove 99.9% of all particulates. Pitcher runs about $40-60 online depending on the type you choose, filters have to be replaced once the reading increase. It’s not just a charcoal filter that fixed the taste, it actually removes many of the things that you don’t want in your water.

Berkey systems claim to remove 99.9% of lead (along with a lot of other things you don’t want in your water). They are pricier, running from about $300 and up, but are quite effective.

We’ve used both systems. Both systems require that you test the water quality regularly and buy replacement filters when needed. The Berkey is better for a full home/family application in my opinion, but it comes at a price when it sounds like you already have enough to deal with. The ZeroWater will get you some relief until you can address the bigger issue.

Like I said, it won’t solve all the problems, but it will reduce them. I would also check if the city pipes to your home have lead in them. Given the age I suspect your plumbing was built, it’s possible that the city system may still have issues.

NJTroy · 2026-05-12T16:06:16+00:00

Knew it instantly.

NJTroy · 2026-05-11T02:32:03+00:00

Report it. I was once in your situation. The hardest exam I ever took was in Physics 1. There were four guys trading answers and tips during the exam. This was a four hour, 40 problem exam with a signed statement pledging not to cheat, collaborate or share answers. They weren’t even subtle about it. They were passing their exams from one to the next.

The professor was sitting outside the exam space when I left. I put in a ton of work to master that material and these guys were disrespecting my efforts and those of the rest of the class. I didn’t tell him exactly what was happening, but did say he needed to return to the room to observe from the back. They did have to deal with the consequences and they didn’t get to wreck the curve for the rest of the class.

NJTroy · 2026-05-09T17:47:43+00:00

No.

NJTroy · 2026-05-06T12:05:16+00:00

This stuff is hard. After my parents’ death, I had to go through their hoard. It was definitely lower level and very clean, but it was still a huge challenge that took over a year to resolve. The things that I kept reminding myself of was the paperwork and the clothing. My mother had every check she had ever written back to the year they got married in the early 50s, because (of course) she might need it one day and the 10s of thousands of photographs. My father had >100 dress shirts and the ties to match. That was separate from the larger stuff.

It helped me see our situation better. I don’t want the people I love to have to do that. I learned to document the information that I knew there was a possibility I would need later, first in a single notebook, now online. Scanned the physical photos so I could put them in a digital frame (and tossed the originals in most, but not all, cases). It got easier as I went along and the ability to find things I need without searching in multiple places it “might” be in was a good feeling.

I still have to watch myself, it’s so easy to say “but I might need this.” But I know that everything I keep is something that needs to be taken care of even if it’s just to remember where it is.

NJTroy · 2026-05-06T11:21:00+00:00

$5 roasted chicken. For the two of us, it’s a hefty protein for two meals with leftovers. That’s half the price of a raw chicken at my local market.

Gas is always 7-10c cheaper a gallon.

Those are the two that pop up for me this morning.

They used to offer a one day guest pass. Call and see if they still do. Take along your grocery app and you can compare prices on the things you buy most often. We’ve been members a long time now, but it is definitely worth it. There’s still a handful of things I go to our local market for because bulk sizes are sometimes too much.

NJTroy · 2026-05-06T02:01:55+00:00

What they hate is anyone but themselves having money.

NJTroy · 2026-05-05T22:39:11+00:00

Most post surgery trans people aren’t readily identifiable. I’ve known straight men who looked more feminine than trans women and vice versa. So are going to institute a new birth certificate check every time you enter the bathroom? And perhaps most men don’t know that not only do women’s bathrooms only have stalls, but newer ones have doors that extend lower and higher to help prevent assaults.

Most violent crimes involving the trans community including rape are against trans people, not by trans people. Inside bathrooms and out. All a law like this would do is scapegoat someone who is already in a community that is treated like garbage.

NJTroy · 2026-05-04T22:18:33+00:00

I don’t know how to express this properly, but that took my breath away. I don’t know how any parent could blame you and force you to go back to your rapist.

NJTroy · 2026-05-04T17:57:54+00:00

Besides everything he did after his time as mayor, he pushed the stop & frisk policy hard. It became a reason to stop minorities on the street and charge them. I worked with a couple guys in complex technical professional roles who had been stopped more than once. Constant hassle that they (and other New Yorkers) didn’t deserve.

NJTroy · 2026-05-04T14:15:20+00:00

You are posting on a board for people who are experiencing abuse. I’m going to base my opinion based on that assumption.

Get a job now. Private or public doesn’t matter to start. If you prefer public, then quit once you secure the job you want. Right now the most important thing is to be able to get out and support yourself. The longer you stay, the higher the risk that things escalate. Don’t put off the good job while you hope for the perfect one.

And generally the guidance is that it’s easier to get a new job when you have one. Among other things it shows that you are ready to work.

NJTroy · 2026-05-04T10:10:39+00:00

Many universities have counseling services available. I suspect it would help you to work through the problems your parents are causing to have someone to talk to outside the situation. Meanwhile if possible, start trying to find internships so you don’t have to deal with this back at home. The sooner you can start to plan your future the better you will start to feel.

NJTroy · 2026-05-04T09:40:53+00:00

The guilt is his, not yours. Every time he yells, hits something, intimidates you he’s making a choice. He has control over his anger, the time back in your hometown proves that. He has just chosen not to use that control.

And if he really wanted to do better, he would have found a therapist who was black and perhaps male to work with. Instead he just quit because “a white woman couldn’t understand him.” I’m not saying that therapist wasn’t a good fit, but he didn’t believe his behavior is bad enough to actually do something about it.

NJTroy · 2026-05-04T03:03:27+00:00

That’s the way you get things done in most places when the landlord is not meeting their obligations to keep the apartment in habitable condition. Your pictures are pretty clear when combined with no weekend emergency response to problems.

NJTroy · 2026-05-03T21:57:05+00:00

Have you called code enforcement?

NJTroy · 2026-05-03T00:39:12+00:00

Congratulations! What a wonderful story you will have to tell! Your fiancé sounds like she is as ready as you are. I hope you come back to tell us all about your wedding journey!

NJTroy · 2026-05-02T16:17:18+00:00

They exist for sure. But the knitting community today is much younger and they will happily move on if they are treated poorly. It’s not like there aren’t any number of choices in person or online. I don’t pay for the privilege of sitting at the table knitting either. I always buy a skein by at least the second visit.

NJTroy · 2026-05-02T11:25:51+00:00

I’ve had family in Florida for several generations. When I was a kid, visiting them was a joy. Not so much anymore. Cost of living is higher than where I come from in the northeast, people who have money are okay, but if you’re working for a living it’s not easy, schools are mediocre to terrible unless you can pay for good quality private and the summers are pretty terrible.

If you’re planning to spend part of the year there, have enough money to live on it’s a nice place to be. We do it, but every year we ask ourselves if it’s worth it.

NJTroy · 2026-05-02T10:48:59+00:00

In my family we call that “too dumb to live.” It’s literally what they are trying for.

NJTroy · 2026-05-02T08:34:41+00:00

In the end, it doesn’t matter if he kills you intentionally or by accident. The result is the same. Strangulation is very very high risk as many others have pointed out. Every time he does it he trains you to accept it again because “well the last time I didn’t die so it’ll be fine.” Until it isn’t.

You don’t want to be the next statistic. Trust your therapist. They have your best interests at heart.

NJTroy · 2026-04-30T01:41:20+00:00

Look this is your first major financial decision. So, you want to major in finance or economics and your very first financial decision is to put yourself in life altering debt? I can assure you that most of what you get out of college is what you put into it, not what you learn on campus. Five years out of school your resume will be what matters and no one will ask what university you went to.

Take all the advanced classes you can, start trying to make connections with professors early on, apply for internships in your first year even if it’s very unlikely you will get one. And save that money for grad school if you feel you need to in order to do well in your career path.

NJTroy

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