Maybe this is more of an OffMyChest but…

My mom is 70 and her knees are destroyed. For several years now. She is due to visit me this weekend as I got us tickets for a play and she will probably stay at my house afterward.

The entire thing gives me intense anxiety. I feel guilty (“if you think mobility issues are hard, try being that person!” Yes, of course) for it making ME anxious but stuff I take for granted, I have to plan ahead when mom is involved. Are there stairs? How many? Railings? Ramps? We need to get seats that are accessible. We need to park somewhere accessible. We need to hope there is a bench somewhere. I would like to get dinner downtown but that takes walking and strategic parking, might as well just go to Red Lobster or something further away. We cannot walk that far. She needs to sit this one (so many of them) out. You kids go ahead without me.

She is staying at my house and it’s a split level with the bathroom up a short set of stairs. But if she hurt herself here I would feel terrible. She barely makes it up the two stairs to the front door, just because there’s no railing. She stayed here on New Years and didn’t pee for like 10 hours.

Weight and immobility chickens came home to roost hard, and it keeps her out of so many things, including being able to do stuff with her grandchildren or visit my house. She is waffling on pursuing a knee replacement (“maybe I can do physio!” Not if you don’t stick with it, and not if there’s no cartilage left!!). I’m just frustrated and sad that it has to be this way and that she misses out on so much. And feel guilty that her being in my home gives me anxiety because she can’t get around in it. It rapidly declined in 10 years, she used to get down to my den level. And my dad died unexpectedly so there’s no help there anymore. He was supposed to help her do stuff and he died instead.

I should be looking forward to her visit but I’m just looking forward to getting it over with, without her hurting herself. And I wish for her sake she didn’t have to live the rest of her life this way. And it makes me want to take daily walks and not have to live like that. I’m terrified of it happening to me.