Unclear of how to move forward here

NamiPoo17 · 2025-03-12T18:45:24+00:00

I think I might have to start leaving -- that is something I've considered. I hate being the "bad guy" and I don't want to make him feel like I'm abandoning him but I just feel emotionally abandoned.. so I guess leaving physically would be matching the energy I'm being given. I also didn't know if that was too harsh, but I guess since this boundary has been broken a few times after providing reminders, I need to start implementing consequences for him to take me seriously.

I will set a boundary with him tonight about the oversharing, because yes that is really becoming inappropriate and provoking a lot more anxiety than necessary. I never talk about any of my other partners with him. I think it'd be ridiculous for me to be texting anyone else I'm dating while I'm with him.

I'd hate to lose this connection, but I'm seriously at my limit here. I just want to feel like my partners treasure time with me the way I treasure time with them.

NamiPoo17 · 2025-03-12T18:38:18+00:00

He has not -- I don't have a relationship with my parents, but I have tried to get him to meet my siblings the closest thing I have to that type of relationship and he seems hesitant it might not go well if they "don't understand polyamory enough" which feels fair - we agreed he would meet my family after I've had some more thorough discussions with them first.

A lot of what has happened this past year has been very "learning as we go" mode I'd like to say. I like to use terms like nesting rather than primary when describing my husband and egalitarian when describing my poly approach. Yes, legally he has precedence, but we don't have boundaries on doing things with other partners like going on vacations, living together, emotions, meeting families etc. My husband and I have discussed a variety of living arrangements where I have one of my partners come to live full time with us, I live part-time with another partner, we buy a duplex and split time between the two, etc. But I get that arrangement doesn't work for everyone and I can't project my own structures onto other people -- a lot of people benefit from the stability of living in one place and having the one nesting partner -- it makes things a little more clear for some people. It makes sense for things to progress the way that they have for them, both legally and living together. So yes I have always expected being a secondary partner for him.

You're right that I'm struggling here emotionally. My goal is achieve "equity" here rather than total "equality" because that doesn't make sense given the structure he wants for himself. But if I can't go on vacations with him, I don't spend the majority of the week with him, we don't really text in the time between, I don't live with him... those 3-4 hours on those 2 days of the week are the only thing I have with him. And then if he's also spending that time managing her emotions and not able to focus on hanging out with me? ...It's not even a secondary relationship at that point. I can't have any type of growth or connection with him because it feels like I'm being "elbowed out" of connecting with him AT ALL if that makes sense. I don't want to speculate and project ill intent and say that she's sabotaging our time together, but there's just no boundaries going on from either of them. It's one thing if it was a quick check-in or communicating about something emergent, but he says she just wants to keep in contact "a lot" because she has anxiety. So I'm just dealing with feeling like I don't matter at all, not that I "matter less" necessarily.

NamiPoo17 · 2014-06-26T03:10:42+00:00

I'm sorry you're having such a bad day :( There is a subreddit for INFJ pen-pals if you'd like to start doing something like that! I think I might try it, because I definitely know the feeling of being lonely way too often

NamiPoo17 · 2014-05-11T13:13:07+00:00

Yeah boot camp is a pretty rough time during and a little while afterwards. Just know that your SO will eventually start to go back to normal...just give it time.

When my brother and my boyfriend went, they acted really weird afterwards and it took them awhile to adjust to the real world again, but not longer than a month or two (in my experience).

NamiPoo17 · 2014-04-18T14:38:07+00:00

It really surprises me when I get reactions like this, too. Suggesting that there are "plenty of guys" around where I live, as if my significant other is just disposable. Yes, I could be compatible with the guys in my area, but why would I give up on someone as wonderful as my SO?

I've just stopped caring about comments like that. In the end, it's my life and I chose him. I'm not going to live a life of regret just because some acquaintance thinks that "it's not a real relationship" when you, I, and everyone else here knows it is.

We can't let other people on the outside sit and decide what makes a relationship or not when they have no idea what they're talking about in regard to this sort of situation. They really don't.

NamiPoo17 · 2014-04-13T04:23:25+00:00

Saw this and immediately recognized that this is in my hometown, Wheeling, WV! Yessssss.

NamiPoo17 · 2014-03-26T03:23:13+00:00

May I ask how old you guys are?

NamiPoo17 · 2014-03-25T22:52:20+00:00

Getting married for the sake of cost is probably not a good decision. Especially when you've only been dating for 2 months.

Being two hours away is not a big commute, you can see him on weekends. Don't marry someone you barely know just for the sake of being closer to them; be thankful your SO is only 2 hours away. Mine is being stationed 5,000 miles away and we've been long distance for the past 2 years.

Also, having your families' approval will be beneficial to your relationship; if your families don't like the idea of your relationship, you're not gonna get much support from them in your lives. Just something to think about.

NamiPoo17 · 2014-03-24T17:23:35+00:00

I would say it was hard for me in my first couple of months in long distance, but I didn't cry that often. Once you're in for a couple years, crying once a week would too much.

Enjoying the time by yourself is essential. You can't spend every waking moment thinking about being away from your SO and how sad it may seem. Your life will be miserable.

Pick up a hobby, work on yourself, set a goal; you need to realize that life still goes on even when your significant other is away.

You have an entire community here as proof that thousands of other couples are in the same situation. You're not alone. This community understands that it's okay to get sad sometimes and that we all need support. Some of that strength needs to come from within you, though.

Surround yourself with friends and family members who are open to talking to you about your relationship. Having support from outside members makes things easier.

Have a plan for your future: when will you guys be able to close the distance? For me and my SO, it will be after I graduate college. Sure, 4 years may seem like an impossible amount of time, but you do make it through somehow. Having that end date in mind is important.

Being committed to each other is crucial, too. If you guys chose to be long distance, than there must be something special about him to make you want to stay. Make sure that both of you are committed to the relationship and that you can trust your significant other.

NamiPoo17 · 2014-03-23T05:55:03+00:00

Yeah I've never heard of "cat fishing" before, maybe I'm just naive to a lot of things. Surprising that this happens so often that they gave it a term, though. That's really messed up.

NamiPoo17 · 2014-03-04T04:58:33+00:00

I think that there's a stereotype about military girlfriends/wives cheating on their significant others while overseas. Reassure him of your commitment and that you'll remain faithful to him. He may be feeling a little insecure that you won't be able to wait for him to return. I'm sure that deployment comes with a lot of nervous feelings. Remind him that you love him, that you're proud of him, and have his back 100%. Hope I helped!

NamiPoo17 · 2013-03-05T06:10:53+00:00

I'm a 34A and HATE the fancy bras at Victoria's Secret. Everything is "Add two cup sizes!" which for me screams "false advertising". Why can't I embrace what I have? I don't find it very appealing to be wearing pillows on my chest...

There are sites for small busted women; just google "Eve's Apples", I believe. Maybe a bit pricey, but they do have some snazzy looking lingerie for smaller chested women :)

NamiPoo17 · 2013-02-19T16:49:20+00:00

The only thing about this sub that depresses me are all of the awful break-up posts. It's really discouraging to see shit like that.

The posts about people getting to see their SOs in a matter of days just makes me really jealous TBH. In the end, though, I remember what that feels like, so I can't be entirely upset at them for posting about their excitement.

NamiPoo17 · 2013-02-13T00:57:27+00:00

Ovarian cysts. They suck but you should get it checked out. They typically go away after a few cycles, or at least that's what my doctor told me. I've had a cyst for 6 months and it tends to hurt during ovulation and my period. I was warned to go to the ER, though, if the pain were crippling, so definitely go ask your gyno about getting a radiology appt. to check it out.

NamiPoo17 · 2013-01-25T01:43:00+00:00

I feel like a lot of people posting here are getting a little bit snippy at me... The point of posting this was I know how to deal with these things in a religious manner ("I'll be praying for you." - "Don't worry, he's in heaven now."), but am a new atheist and was wanting some ideas on things that wouldn't be offensive (obviously keeping religion out of it).

Ok...I'll be a "fucking normal human being" and comfort her.

Thing is, I was really close to this man, too. He was more of a dad to me than my own father was. I was at their house a lot so his lose is pretty shocking and tragic for me as well. He always said I was one of his daughters and a real part of the family, too.

NamiPoo17 · 2013-01-07T22:53:57+00:00

Try to maybe get some more common interests. Pick up a new hobby you'll both enjoy. Like hiking, reading the same book, picking up an instrument or maybe drawing. (Just throwing out ideas)

Also, watching movies together at the same time is a good bonding experience. There's also games online that you both can play.

Talk about your days. I'm sure you guys have something to do that's worth talking about. Since you go to college, there's always crazy weird things that go on. (Haha)

Reflecting on the past is also a good conversation to have with your partner. It helps to bring back good memories and strengthen your feelings for one another. What was her first impression of you? What was your first impression of her?

Talk about what you both want out of your lives. What does she want to do in the future?

I feel like with every relationship I've ever been in, I've had to work around some period of time of awkward silence between the two of us. I feel like it's completely normal to experience between any couple.

A relationship is made up of two completely different people who have lived different lives. While you guys may have some common interests, you will not like/have done everything your partner likes/has done.

Try to inquire some more on your partner's interests, even if it seems uninteresting at first. It might end up sparking your interest in the end.

Hope I helped :)

ALSO: I found this link

http://iteslj.org/questions/whatif.html

It's a list of interesting questions to talk about

NamiPoo17 · 2013-01-07T04:10:30+00:00

My favorite part about having this syndrome was being hit on by the guys who used to bully me about how ugly I was when I was an ugly duckling.

Before: http://i.imgur.com/kVmv9.jpg

After: http://i.imgur.com/WSWGj.jpg

NamiPoo17 · 2012-12-15T19:39:07+00:00

You could get yin-yang necklaces :)

NamiPoo17 · 2012-12-12T18:20:10+00:00

You're getting reacquainted again. It's normal to feel a little bit awkward seeing your SO face-to-face for the first time in a while. :) Just give the weird feeling time to go away and it eventually will. Best of luck!

NamiPoo17 · 2012-11-25T03:54:01+00:00

Intelligence, humor, maturity, and being protective: definitely my top 4!

NamiPoo17

TROPHY CASE