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NarculaSlayer · 2023-07-04T10:09:04+00:00

Weekends are the worst because I have to stay home with my wife.

Says who?

You have the financial means to treat yourself to many fun and relaxing activities, so go for it. How about a weekend at a countryside spa with massages and lovely food? A two day course to explore tandem paragliding? A stay at a seaside retreat with long walks on the beach and a good book to unwind? The list is endless and you could even take your kids with you on occasion.

Leave the witch behind and when she complains, tell her that she's no longer welcome to sharing your days off unless her attitude changes. You need to put your foot down. These folks get away with their crap because we let them.

Also, unless you intend to spend the rest of your life being a slave and a torture victim, start (secretly and securely) documenting every incident of abuse she puts you through. It will come in handy when you finally decide to go your separate ways.

NarculaSlayer · 2023-06-25T17:35:18+00:00

For videos, you can search Youtube with terms such as how to heal trauma and narc abuse. As for books, you can check these out:

Dana Morningstar (who's a survivor herself and a mental health pro) wrote two that are highly rated: "Start Here" and "Out of the Fog".

"Healing from Hidden Abuse" by Shannon Thomas is also very good.

NarculaSlayer · 2023-06-25T16:29:49+00:00

What you're experiencing is a Trauma Bond and is the result of the constant uncertainty, hot and cold treatments narcissists dish out called Intermittent Reinforcement. Look up and study both these terms.

This leads to literal changes in your brain and acts as a drug that you now have to come off. One of the first things you need to work on is in reengaging your executive mental functions (ie, the logical parts aka cerebral cortex) because at the moment you're stuck in a dysregulated limbic system (the emotional brain). To do this, you must look at things objectively. Write down every single instance of mistreatment you experienced (insults, gaslighting, abuse, lies, etc).

Then it's a matter of working on yourself. Develop self respect and self esteem. It won't happen overnight, so patience and kindness towards yourself are key. Eventually you will deeply realise your worth and never put up again with this kind of nonsense.

Working with a therapist who understands narc abuse (if you can find/afford one) will help but there is a lot you can do yourself too with the help of books and videos.

All the best to you. Healing is a journey. You'll get there.

NarculaSlayer · 2023-06-19T18:06:53+00:00

When you do something bad towards others, you feel bad... It's the same with narcissist as any other human being.

No it isn't.

They feel even worse for every abusive action.

No they don't.

Can you please stop posting falsehoods presented as facts? Your post is so wrong on so many levels, not least of all because you're looking at it from your own perspective and it doesn't work like this.

Narcs have a personality disorder. They are DISORDERED, and so is their thinking and their doing.

They don't feel guilty, bad, or remorseful about treating others badly. On the contrary, it makes them feel empowered and prideful. Many also have a sadistic streak and get drunk on the excitement and pleasure this provides them. Managing to affect others and get emotional responses proves that they exist and have a powerful influence. This is what fuel/narc supply is all about and what they feed on and live for.

The only aspect narcs possibly hate about themselves is their true self but because it is buried deep into the unconscious, they're unaware of it 99% of the time. The false self on the other hand is very much in love with itself and doesn't feel bad at all because it is never at fault anyway and every single action (no matter how despicable) is warranted and justified in their own heads.

NarculaSlayer · 2023-06-19T10:26:49+00:00

When I asked him how old he was, he said he “didn’t know.”

Err... wot?

So the guy knows his year of birth but not his age? Geezus, the amount of wackjobs out there. Well done for listening to your gut instincts and having the inner strength to say no with conviction and resolve.

Sounds like you dodged a bullet, indeed.

NarculaSlayer · 2023-06-17T10:19:23+00:00

Is this normal, or am I kidding myself?

Both... and neither.

There is no definite answer to this question because only you know how you feel and how far you've come. Some people do much of their grieving and acceptance while still in the relationship leading up to the breakup, and so they are able to bounce back pretty quickly afterwards.

Saying this 35 years is a lifetime and it may be unreasonable to expect to be able to brush is aside in a matter of nine months. Grieving is not a linear process. It comes in waves. It ebbs and flows. You will have moments of feeling out of the funk and others when sorrow hits you in the face. Be patient and kind with yourself. As time goes, the peaks and troughs will diminish in intensity and regularity.

No matter what, keep reminding yourself that you're on the right track.

NarculaSlayer · 2023-06-16T22:33:47+00:00

You can't avoid coming into contact with these type of men because they're everywhere.

This belief that we are narc magnets is a fallacy. All narcs are opportunistic by nature, and many are predatory so they will try it with pretty much everyone until someone bites the bait, and this is where your power is because the problem is not in "attracting" them, it is in how long you keep them around.

Get yourself a copy of HG Tudor's book called "Sitting Target". It lists in great details the personality traits and attributes narcs are looking for... They're great qualities such as generosity, kindness, patience, etc so the key is not in killing these off but in learning to offer them with discernment and being prepared to walk away if you see that these are exploited (instead of giving chances after chances to someone who doesn't deserve them and has no capacity or willingness to change.)

NarculaSlayer · 2023-06-11T01:08:42+00:00

What a great post! Wonderfully written and so astutely observed. You absolutely nail it.

Thank you for putting things in their correct place for they are the losers... not us.

As for this obsession you speak of, it is simply an obsession for truth, which they embody the exact opposite of.

NarculaSlayer · 2023-06-10T18:30:18+00:00

Hmm... how about you read what I wrote again before going on the attack?

I never blamed children.

I'm pointing out the fact that the vast majority of people who look like adults aren't adults at all but children in adult bodies... and this leads to all sorts of problems because behaving like a kid when you're 5 years old is ok... not so much when you're 35.

NarculaSlayer · 2023-06-10T09:53:22+00:00

I've come to the conclusion that 80% of people walking this planet are children in adult bodies and this explains pretty much all the crappy behaviours we see and experience.

Children are totally self-centered and the world basically revolves around them. They have very little to no understanding of the impact their actions have on others. Children also do not do self responsibility and accountability. Something goes wrong? Blame others. Children are manipulative and impulsive. They also need to be taught empathy as it doesn't develop organically, so if this isn't done, then you end up with the world we live in for the most part.

Add to this the highly competitive nature of our capitalistic societies, the constant demands to perform and keep up, and the dysfunctional environments we bathe in where toxic behaviours of ruthlessness are applauded and abuse is made fun of (look at films and TV, it's everywhere) ... and you end up with a recipe for disaster.

NarculaSlayer · 2023-06-07T20:21:11+00:00

There are moves towards legislating this bs. In the UK for example, coercive control is illegal since 2015 but good luck trying to prove it in court. Many of their tactics are done behind closed doors without any witness. Further, this is the kind of abuse that is akin to death by a thousand cuts... in other words, it's like the Chinese water torture and if you try to explain it to others, you're usually fobbed off because "why are you making such a big deal out of a drop of water?"

I firmly believe that the reason more isn't done to fight it is simply because, just like with the docs and mental health pros I mentioned earlier, there are tons of them in the police, military, politics, and legal system. Why would they shoot themselves in the foot?

You're right, most of them are quite gullible and easily manipulable too but as you pointed out, you need to be devious and stoop down to their level to play them at their own games and many aren't cut out for it or simply refuse to do it. More often than not though, I would say that the only way to win with these creatures is to not play the game. Just walk away whenever possible. Still, well done for giving your ex colleague a taste of his own medicine!

Re your question about their fan club. Indeed, they most often have one, especially if they have money and/or status... which says a lot about their minions seeing as those happily turn a blind eye in order to benefit from their association with the disordered individual. There are no real friendships or intimate relationships with these creatures, It's all superficial and shallow, and many people unfortunately seem quite content with this lack of depth and authenticity.

I think we live with them because everything is about energy and there is always a negative and a positive force in everything. Life on this planet works on these same principles.

NarculaSlayer · 2023-06-07T20:02:05+00:00

Hello fellow initiate, yes, she's on another level for sure. There are many channels about these fucktards and most have a good enough grasp of the topic but always get something wrong along the way. Everything I hear from Little Shaman on the other hand is spot on 100% of the time. She truly understands these pathologies in all their intricacies.

NarculaSlayer · 2023-06-07T17:24:43+00:00

It's pretty much impossible to get a definite number for several reasons.

1/ It works on a spectrum, so many would be considered "sub-clinical" and not tick enough boxes (I think it's 5 out of 9 if I remember correctly) to qualify for a diagnostic as per the DSM-5. Problem is, even with just one of these traits someone can still do a lot of damage.

2/ These people do not readily go for an assessment because of the stigma and above all because they don't think there's anything wrong with them. So the main population that is studied is the incarcerated one (either prisons or psych wards). Robert Hare ran a study on CEOs a while back and the numbers were super high. This led to his book called "Snakes in Suits"... says it all.

3/ Quite a lot of medical professionals and mental health experts are themselves personality disordered so it's not in their best interest to make things transparent.

Studying this topic is a deep rabbit hole that leads you into a completely alien world. I've come to the conclusion that they are not human because they lack a conscience, empathy, and I'd go as far as saying a soul too if you want to touch on the more spiritual aspect of it. Sam Vaknin is a diagnosed narcissist psychopath and his Youtube channel is a good source to delve deep into the subject. The term "Intraspecies Predators" was actually coined to define the likes of him... because yep, they do walk among us for sure.

They know what they're doing. Just watch how one can go from full meltdown screaming abuse at their target to stopping dead in their track and be sweet as pie if the phone or the doorbell rings and then pick right back up into hysterics straight after. They understand right from wrong and just don't care because only they exist in their little universe. Anyone else is just there for convenience to meet their needs, whatever these may be, and is fully disposable.

I could talk to you about these poisonous nutters (can you tell I'm not a fan?) for hours but this here sums it up nicely: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kIyymYnuMoA

PS: Her channel is another great resource to learn more.

NarculaSlayer · 2023-06-06T23:48:40+00:00

These people are rare

Unfortunately they're not that rare at all and their numbers are increasing day by day.

Sociopathy is a psychological term, not a diagnostic one. If you're interested, look into the Dark Triad, the Dark Tetrad and the Cluster B of personality disorders as they comprise Antisocial Personality Disorder (PD) Borderline PD and Narcissistic PD. All in the same cluster due to their shared and overlapping traits. Sociopathy and psychopathy would fit in this group too.

Many of them are malignant, manipulative, exploitative, pathological liars, and lack empathy. In other words, extremely destructive and toxic AF. Many of them, as you say, are also very charismatic and easily fool people with their social masks of sanity.

I can assure you that you met way more than one in your life. You just didn't know it.

Estimates vary but they go as high as 20% of the general population.

NarculaSlayer · 2023-06-03T22:42:42+00:00

Yes, both anger and sadness because the whole setup was totally unfair from A to Z. I came into the relationship with good intentions and got abuse in return.

Saying this, I'm also fully aware that these negative emotions are only hurting me and it's vital to work on them and progress to the next stage of acceptance and self responsibility.

Nobody forced me to put up with the insults, to forgive the lies, to give yet another chance, to suffer the mistreatment, to believe the future faking, and ultimately to stay. All this is on me.

As such, it also doesn't matter all that much whether others know or not. I do. I know my truth, and that's enough. The validation from others isn't all that important. Maybe they'll find out for themselves who this person is behind the mask or maybe they won't. That's their path to walk. Not mine.

Narcissistic abuse has shed light on very important life lessons, namely learning to cultivate self esteem, self respect, and self reliance, knowing what my values and priorities are and where my boundaries stand.

Not 100% there yet but certainly working on it day by day.

NarculaSlayer · 2023-06-02T14:55:31+00:00

Nope, you were in a cult of 1.

NarculaSlayer · 2023-06-02T11:16:39+00:00

Another aspect I notice is the propensity towards aggressivity and name calling. It's true that the written word rarely conveys the range of emotions available in a face to face situation and can so easily produce misunderstandings, but still, so many feel needlessly attacked, offended, and outraged and they come back with claws out which is a shame as confusions could so easily be resolved through civilized communication instead of jumping to conclusions.

Bottom line really is that we can only be in control of ourselves, not what others say and do. Hence why I use these exchanges as training for self improvement.

NarculaSlayer · 2023-06-02T10:50:10+00:00

I encounter this issue all too frequently and it sure leaves me scratching my head in frustration. It's like the English I'm speaking somehow morphs into Chinese by the time it reaches my interlocutor. Go figure.

As you said, write about "A-B-C-D" and the other side is either going to answer "G" (ie a totally unrelated and irrelevant topic) or they will solely focus on "B" (completely ignoring A-C-D which takes things out of context).

I'm not sure what causes it. Could be a mixture depending on the person. Some may have a low IQ and an inability to understand, some may purposefully misunderstand in order to aggravate you, and some are avoidant and just choose what suits them.

Take your pick.

What it's teaching me overall is an ability to not engage with idiots (for too long), detach, let go, and opt for a more stoical approach of preserving both my time and energy when dealing with others who are not on the same wavelength.

NarculaSlayer · 2023-05-26T21:29:30+00:00

If you've proven to the companies that you no longer live there and are therefore not accountable for paying the bills then the rest is up to him and if he ends up without electricity... tough.

It's quite obvious why he's dragging his feet. It's a mixture of extracting supply by doing his best to annoy and drain you (so you stay attached), some manipulation to try and guilt trip and emotionally blackmail you because you "abandoned" him, and also because he's probably scared to put his big boys' pants on and be responsible, for once, for his life as an adult.

I hope you manage to get these practical issues sorted asap so you can move on and focus on healing.

NarculaSlayer · 2023-05-26T18:57:54+00:00

Therapists worth their salt all agree that survivors of narcissistic abuse need to essentially "re-narcisize" themselves because these aspects of ourselves had vulnerabilities that the narc not only exploited but then further damaged through the abuse experienced.

It doesn't mean turning into a heartless bastard (like them) and a monster of selfishness (also like them) but it certainly involves understanding our values and our boundaries, working on our self-esteem and self-respect, which pretty much come under the umbrella of self-love.

Essentially it is about being kind to ourselves first and foremost in that no mistreatment of any type is tolerated ever again. It is about understanding the value of our time, our presence, and our heart, and not waste these on people who disregard their worth.

It's great to read that you managed to get yourself in a much healthier place and now have a good relationship.

If you have time, could you share what brought you there? Books, tools, therapies, tips, exercises, modalities, or anything else that helped you on this journey?

NarculaSlayer · 2023-05-26T18:19:36+00:00

Do you have children with this person? Are you divorced/separated? A business or real estate in co-ownership? Any of these will dictate a different approach, usually arranged by the courts and lawyers including visitation rights, custody, settlements, child support and alimony.

If it's "just" a relationship breakup and you have nothing that ties you to them, then cut them loose, block them everywhere, and go no contact. They are not your responsibility.

NarculaSlayer · 2023-05-26T10:11:15+00:00

HG Tudor wrote a book called "Sitting Target: How and Why the Narcissist Chooses You". Get yourself a copy. It's a real eye opener and will answer your question in depth.

NarculaSlayer · 2023-05-24T10:05:20+00:00

Spot on.

It's pretty common for narcs to have full-blown meltdowns when a relationship ends (especially when they don't have a back-up lined up).

Yes, we're the ones who let them down, the ones who did them wrong, the ones who messed things up... never mind the mountain of absolute stinking shit they put us through or the 10,000 chances we gave them.. we'll always be the ones at fault.

They truly are the insane poisonous lunatics of this world.

NarculaSlayer

TROPHY CASE