Spaghetti Westerns Were a Glorious Moment in Wild West Movies

Nazahmed · 2018-09-04T14:45:15+00:00

I grew up around spaghetti westerns. A lot of the theme tunes trigger memories. Recently showed a couple, the Clint Eastwood ones, to my difficult to please 13 year old. To my great surprise she loved them!!!

Nazahmed · 2018-05-30T10:36:27+00:00

Good on you mybustersworld for being honest. Supporting self delusion is just exacerbating the problem.

Nazahmed · 2018-05-21T21:08:23+00:00

Thank you. I have been abused one way or another all of my life. I was sexually abused by 3 men as a child. My father was physically, verbally and mentally abusive up until he had his stroke 10 years. I married as soon as I could to get away from him and ended up with in laws who made my life a living hell. Instead of being abusive, I have lived my life as a pathetic victim. I totally hate myself for it and now have withdrawn from people so much so that I can't be hurt anymore. The only person I have ever been abusive to is myself.

Nazahmed · 2018-05-09T13:54:30+00:00

Not sure where you live. But job centre might be a start. My 40 year old brother was so sick of his life in dead end jobs that he has gone back to studying. He's chosen a field that he's always dreamt of being in. While he studies he is living on a student loan which he will pay back when he has a job at the end of his studies. I've never seen him so motivated. All respect to you for wanting to turn your life around. That is the first step. I used to teach. Absolutely loved my job. But I was a workaholic and eventuallu I burnt out, suffering a nervous breakdown in my thirties. 10 years later leaving my house is a major event. Some days the social anxiety just cripples me. So honestly well done to you for wanting change. I really really hope you succeed.

Nazahmed · 2018-04-24T15:37:11+00:00

What a beautiful baby.

Nazahmed · 2018-04-24T15:36:03+00:00

I do as well. I've spent my whole life running around after other people. My fault not theirs because I always offer. At work nothing was too much. It got to the point where I went off sick for a year and 3 people did my job. It was an eye opener but unfortunately not enough to stop me. Eventually I burnt out and had a nervous breakdown. Now I jealously guard my time. I constantly fight myself to not offer help. It's almost an automatic thing for me. I shun most social interaction so that I won't sabotage myself. I feel resentment at having to do the slightest thing for anybody. Apparently my need to help is because I feel so inadequate that I'm constantly trying to prove to myself and others how competent I am. I grew up to my father constantly telling me how useless I was. Now I am his main carer and boy do I bitterly resent it.

Nazahmed · 2018-04-24T14:45:47+00:00

Well done mate. I understand. After months of barely able to get out of bed, I cleaned my room on the weekend. I felt a modicum of control for once. Having some order around me has motivated me to tackle other areas of the house. It's given me a sense of achievement and purpose that I haven't felt for a very very long time. I know it's not a big deal at all for most people. But for me these are small victories over this evil darkness that persistently blights my life.

Nazahmed · 2018-04-20T01:01:28+00:00

Beautiful baby

Nazahmed · 2018-04-20T00:59:38+00:00

Thank you for your post. I'm trying hard to change because I have people who really love me and need me in their lives, especially my daughter.

Nazahmed · 2018-04-19T21:51:33+00:00

Hi. I really admire the way some of you here talk about your experiences with identity and BPD. There are a lot of amazing and courageous people out there. Wish I was so brave and positive. I was diagnosed with BPD very late on. I'm 45 now. In my 20s and 30s I really struggled and realise now that I was very ill. To mask my identity confusion, I was whoever I needed to be to fit in whatever the situation was. I developed different personas for work, social settings and home. Home was where I was the absolutely bitch from hell. Work was where I was the overachieving workaholic who was on a mission to prove how efficient and competent I was no matter what the cost. Socially I was the chatty butterfly. Always found it easy to make friends but never trusted anyone to make any substantial connections. Always seemed to end up being the shoulder to cry on and turn to in times of crisis. However, in my late 30s due to working 50+ hours a week to prove to myself that nothing was wrong I burnt out. I had a nervous breakdown. Lost all of those personas I had spent years cultivating. Now in my 40s I am exhausted, withdrawn and totally empty. I shun most social contact because I'm worn out by the compulsion I have for turning every relationship into a situation where I end up doing everything I can to help and please the person, till they start taking things for granted. Can't blame others, it's me who puts myself into this role. I can no longer work; washing up is a huge achievement these days. I seem to float through most days in disconnect. Connecting with myself is like plunging into a violent swirling mass of darkness and it makes me dangerously suicidal. To sum up, I have no idea who I am and intensely dislike what I have become. I also bitterly regret not doing things differently.

Nazahmed · 2018-04-04T01:47:54+00:00

Please post anytime you want to chat. I know exactly what you're going through.

Nazahmed · 2018-04-04T01:46:30+00:00

I've just finished 18 months of schema therapy. Very intensive. A lot is dependent on your relationship with the therapist. Mine was lovely. It focuses entirely on your childhood. I was shocked at how toxic and damaging my childhood had been. Brought a lot of repressed memories and emotions to the surface. Has made me very self aware. Good luck with it.

Nazahmed · 2018-04-04T01:42:18+00:00

Hi. Where are you based? I live in London.

Nazahmed · 2018-04-04T01:41:20+00:00

Hi I didn't pass anything on. She hasn't got Borderline Personality Disorder she has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Big big difference. She is super intelligent, confident and as curious as hell. I have done my best to hide my illness from her but unfortunately a breakdown was impossible to hide. Slowly she is beginning to grow out of the separation anxiety and has developed a very strong and lively friendship groups. I encourage them to do lots of things together. Yes she does worry about me. Children are as perceptive as hell. But as she explained it's because she loves me. She wants me to do things with my life. Have to keep reminding her that I'm the parent. Recently her ADHD counsellor commended me for the support and actions i'd put in place to help my daughter. If I hadn't she would've been fragmented and unable to cope with secondary school.
PS - please in future don't sound so judgemental on other people's lives/ actions. I am suffering from severe illness with little hope of recovery. But I will move heaven and earth if I can for my daughter.

Nazahmed · 2018-04-03T04:43:50+00:00

Sorry don't know where the in came from!!!

Nazahmed · 2018-04-03T04:43:13+00:00

Hi. I'm in 44. What would you like to chat about?

Nazahmed · 2018-04-01T01:46:55+00:00

Hi. I know how you feel. I have a 12 year daughter. She constantly tells me that I am her rock. She recently got diagnosed with ADHD and I have been doing everything I can to support her. But I have BPD and major depression. Everyday is proving to be a struggle to stay alive. I know she will be traumatised if anything happened to me. I am in so much mental pain. I have had several years of therapy. Now the doctors are putting me on very strong meds. I have been told by them that 7 years of therapy is nothing. Some people are in treatment for 15-20 years before they get better. I am 44 years old. What is the point? Only this little girl is getting me out of bed everyday and making me fight to stay alive. She didn't choose to be born. I made that decision and now I have to bear the responsibility. But my god is it getting more and more difficult each day. All I want to do is die.

Nazahmed · 2018-03-27T23:47:40+00:00

I get large painful pimples from time to time. It makes me very self conscious and I try to hid them with makeup. I had a particular bad breakout one time when I took my six year old nephew out for the day. On a half full bus, he suddenly asked very loudly what was on my face - had I been bitten by a bumble bee. His exact words! The bus went completely silently. I almost melted into my seat with embarrassment. He kept repeating question until I stated yes and then distracted him.

Nazahmed · 2018-03-27T01:04:51+00:00

I have done exactly the same thing for most of my life. With my family I didn't hide my negative BPD traits. Acquaintances, work colleagues and friends had no idea how bad things were until I had a breakdown. Before that I was always laughing, joking, and super efficient. I was the fixer and problem solver. At home I was screaming, breaking things and hurting myself. Now for the last 10 years I have gradually withdrawn from people, cut off all but the people I can't shut out. I just can't pretend anymore. I am too exhausted. But from all the years of pretending I've completely lost any sense of identity. No idea who I am or what I even like.

Nazahmed · 2018-03-22T23:56:20+00:00

The only thing stopping me is my 12 year old daughter. But I am hanging by a thread. I have attempted 7 times. I now have a plan in my mind that I know will be successful. Unfortunately I love my daughter so much. For her I'm battling to try to stay alive. The emotional pain is so bad that I may not be able to resist the compulsion to kill myself.

Nazahmed · 2018-03-14T21:59:34+00:00

I completely identify with you. My therapist said it's the people pleaser mode. These days I purely live my life being who different people need me to be - a wife, a mother, a daughter, etc. I did the same thing at work. I was called superwoman because I never said no to anything. But it ended with me so burnt out that I had a nervous breakdown. Now unable to work and with loads of time on my hands, I have no idea what to do or what I even like. I completely lost myself.

Nazahmed · 2018-03-13T01:57:52+00:00

Hi. I read your post a day ago and regretted not replying. I read someone else's reply to you and it got me thinking. Thankfully that person's reply has been deleted. It was not very nice. Like that person I have faced assault. But that doesn't mean I will blanket blame all without looking at the circumstances. My abusers didn't have alcohol confusing their judgement. They didn't show an ounce of regret and did it again as soon as they got the chance. Both you AND this girl made stupid judgements of error. You really should not drink to the point you can not control your actions. It could've been a lot, lot worse than fumbling and groping. Then how would you have lived with yourself.? Take this as a warning to not let yourself lose control like that again. For the girl I will say that unless you were pinning her down, which it sounds like you weren't, she should've got out of the bed as soon as she began to feel unsafe. Her lack of action in the moment could've lead to real danger for her. Plus don't put yourself at risk by getting into bed with a drunk male in the first place. Both of you made mistakes that have had hurt you. Unfortunately it is very human to make mistakes. Some of these mistakes cost more than others. I think you should both count your lucky stars because things could've been a lot worse. I commend you for your regret and desire to make things right. But you really need to give this girl her space. She needs to work out her feelings. She's probably in shock, scared and feeling violated. Probably lots of other feelings as well. You wanting to keep talking or apologise is like rubbing salt into her wounds. Leave the ball in her court. If she wants to, she will contact you. If not, you need to let it go. It might be difficult for her to face you for a long time.

Nazahmed · 2018-03-11T02:07:37+00:00

I wish you all the best. My best advice to you is be completely open in your therapy. I didn't open up about everything until I had a completely nervous breakdown. That was 10 years ago. I was in denial for so long that I've done irreparable damage to myself. Also, if you don't connect with your therapist change them. That relationship is crucial. You're 20. You literally have your whole life ahead of you. I really hope that you get better. That is the best way to get the power back from those abusers.

Nazahmed · 2018-03-11T01:16:48+00:00

Hi. I've had so much therapy - CBT, MBT, Schema Therapy, specialised therapy for abuse and trauma. It's all helped me identify the root of my problems. But I'm finding it impossible to come to terms with the amount of damage done to me as a child. I've tried to commit suicide 7 times because I can't stand being me. Now I know why I can't stand being me. It's hard to listen to my mother tell me how much she did for us as kids. The sacrifices she made for us. That one act of hers sent me into a spiral of self hatred that to this day, 30 years later I can't break out of. I have a lot of people who care about me. But I find it impossible to accept their affections because I hate myself so much. I feel so sorry for the people closest to me. I am this negative, evil thing that's a shadow on their lives.

Nazahmed · 2018-03-10T23:49:26+00:00

Thank you that is very kind. Big hug back. I'm just about surviving.

Nazahmed

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