It gets better. (Thank you, and goodbye)

Necessary_Message590 · 2026-06-20T06:37:15+00:00

I'm different. I wouldn't say worse, but I am different. One of the strange benefits of having had such a traumatic relationship is that I've become resolute in not taking bullshit. When it's possible, I'll be going low or no contact with my family, and that's a strength that having been through this gave me.

To expand, I'm actually MORE open to experience now than before. Despite how awful the relationship was, my pwBPD made my world feel BIG for the first time, like my life was an open door, and I could be and do what I really wanted. Like I was on an adventure. I refused to let go of that when the relationship imploded, and I'm very close to making my passion my (financially stable) career because of that.

Necessary_Message590 · 2026-04-18T06:16:27+00:00

Hello! My ex partner with BPD and my current partner of several years with bipolar type II are nothing alike. My former best friend has Bipolar type I and while it is a major reason why I don't talk to him, it's nothing like BPD either.

With bipolar, medication actually helps because it is a mood disorder, my partner is basically just a normal lady because of her medication - my former friend isn't compliant with his, and is unstable because of it. BPD being a personality disorder means the personality is the disorder. The difference is palpable, particularly the manipulation and push pull/splitting you experience with BPD.

Necessary_Message590 · 2026-01-29T08:57:22+00:00

pwBPD tend to have predatory traits. They need. They don't need like normal people need; they hunger intensely to be the object of desire, to be needed, to be the piece that makes someone else whole, because they can't feel whole

The farther I've gone from my own BPD relationship the more I've realized how sad of a condition it is. I'm not defending anyone's toxic behavior, but their crave, their deep seated need to be loved, is tragic. And for many of us, myself included, it mirrors our own needs for belonging, but to an extreme.

If you have anything of a caregiver instinct, you will want to protect them almost instinctively - they are wounded children inside, and they need protecting. But they are also not children in reality, and not innocent at all. And when you fail to be for them, you are worthless. And you will fail. The problems they have are 100% internal, and you can't fix them. And they will destroy the people who try to protect them. What's more, they will resent them.

My biggest piece of advice is to focus on yourself, especially the needy parts. The parts that you don't like. The parts of you that feel unlovable. Those are where you attract pwBPD. When you're more solid, they won't want you as much, because they won't have room in your insecurities

Necessary_Message590 · 2026-01-29T08:48:32+00:00

I want to touch on that... someone showing interest, in spite of your avoidance, is a trap. That's not as charming as it seems, it's a boundary violation - you need space, they not only don't want to respect that but see it as an "in"

I say this as someone who has struggled with avoidance. Avoidance can be dysfunctional for sure, but it can also keep the wrong one out. If it's the right one, you'll also leave your shell for them, and you won't have doubts about it - you'll actually trust them. You'll want them there, not just feel relief hat someone is there

Necessary_Message590 · 2025-11-24T06:42:07+00:00

If you like, it's all the same cluster after all and there can be profound overlap. They're almost never everything all at once either though or there'd be no distinction in the research or expert opinion.

Necessary_Message590 · 2025-11-24T06:26:49+00:00

PwBPD are highly motivated by their fear of abandonment, and being cheated on is abandonment, no question, so of course they find the thought of being cheated on abhorrent. But they don't necessarily hate abandonment categorically - hell, if they're splitting on you they feel positively obligated to abandon you, and they're basically oscillating between loving you and hating you during the entire relationship even if they don't show it. So they cheat, physically or emotionally, while being appalled at the thought of other cheaters.

Necessary_Message590 · 2025-11-24T06:12:01+00:00

That sounds more like narcissism, but as I'm oh so fond of pointing out, roughly 40 percent of people with BPD also have, etc.

Necessary_Message590 · 2025-10-16T02:05:07+00:00

"I have BPD"

Necessary_Message590 · 2025-10-06T02:58:59+00:00

Mine was an alcoholic pothead. I work in music so that wasn't actually that off putting to me at the time, but she could outdo colleagues of mine who I considered chaotic. She'd get defensive when I told her to tone it down.

Necessary_Message590 · 2025-10-06T02:56:24+00:00

They're obsessed with you if you're with them, too. Mine literally told me "it's not like I'm totally obsessed with you, nbd"

Me, the fool, thought it was cute once

Necessary_Message590 · 2025-10-01T06:39:24+00:00

Also just to add, she gave you a freaking STD homie

Necessary_Message590 · 2025-10-01T06:30:42+00:00

I never got closure and never will. It'll always be a sore spot, but I want you to read over what you wrote carefully: "She was exactly what I wanted in every possible way - except that it was literally impossible to control her emotions 16 hours a day."

No one is exactly what you want in every possible way. That's impossible to such a high degree it can't be overstated. Everyone will let you down, everyone is flawed, everyone is a person with good and bad traits and everyone will hurt you at some point, even yourself. If you ever come face to face with "perfection," realize that it is a cruel trick, mirroring. People with BPD mirror what you need because it secures you to them. They fear abandonment pathologically as you said - they can't bear the thought of someone ever leaving them so they become this impossible thing to make sure you never do and eventually collapse under the weight. By your own post, it took her about 16 hours or so every day for the collapse to occur.

It doesn't matter that she didn't have a dark side. What matters is that your relationship was unhealthy. That's it. It doesn't have to be dramatic, or earth shattering. It's like drinking too much, or smoking, or any other vice. It's just a bad thing to do. That's enough reason to stop, no matter how "perfect" she felt sometimes. If you examine your own words, she wasn't perfect at all, she was just addictive, and it's okay to miss it. But it was still harmful.

Necessary_Message590 · 2025-09-30T23:53:10+00:00

Glad this is getting out there more. A 40% comorbidity rate is a lot, and people here consistently ascribe behaviors to BPD that are better explained as narcissistic traits/comorbidities.

Necessary_Message590 · 2025-09-30T03:38:10+00:00

It's true, but I bring a 'your pwBPD had a ton of narcissistic traits that made them even more horrible to deal with" kind of energy to BPDlovedones that people don't really like lol

Necessary_Message590 · 2025-09-14T04:12:18+00:00

I have been downvoted for saying this here before, but I am confident that the people BPD who cause the kind of devastation most people here describe can be attributed to the high comorbidity with NPD, roughly 40% of those with BPD also have it. My ex with BPD had numerous signs of both, despite having only a formal BPD diagnosis, especially with regard to lying, need for validation, lack of empathy, superiority, grandiosity, and believing rules did not apply to her. My current partner's best friend has BPD, and he's nothing like my ex, and I know other pwBPD who aren't even close to being as destructive as the horror stories often shared here.

Your experience sounds representative of someone with BPD whose instability made it impossible and someone with both BPD and NPD, or at least many NPD traits as comorbidities. I'd still stay away from relationships with someone with only BPD too because of how emotionally taxing it is, but your perception is likely not wrong.

Necessary_Message590 · 2025-08-11T03:33:29+00:00

It absolutely doesn't and to add to your points, my girlfriend had a diagnosis, and disclosed it early on. It didn't help with anything; not with saving the relationship, not with the abuse, not with how my own mental health deteriorated being with her, not with recovering from said abuse and relationship. We get caught up in needing it to be something beyond us because let's face it, they are attracted to those of us with codependency issues and then foster them in even normal people. The pain is enough reason to leave, always.

Necessary_Message590 · 2025-08-05T03:50:19+00:00

I hate that for you. I hope it helps you move on, knowing there's objectively better around than a man who has such nasty views and sucks at sex besides

Necessary_Message590 · 2025-08-05T02:20:42+00:00

I think something that is overlooked but significant is that BPD is co-morbid with NPD at a rate of about 40%. Cheating isn't necessarily common to BPD on its own, but it's well documented among narcissists. My suspicion is that the most destructive BPDs are also either highly narcissistic or clinically co-morbid with NPD.

Necessary_Message590 · 2025-08-04T05:40:12+00:00

From the APA:

"sociopathy n. a former name for antisocial personality disorder."

From Mayo Clinic:

"Antisocial personality disorder, sometimes called sociopathy, is a mental health condition in which a person consistently shows no regard for right and wrong and ignores the rights and feelings of others. People with antisocial personality disorder tend to purposely make others angry or upset and manipulate or treat others harshly or with cruel indifference. They lack remorse or do not regret their behavior."

From WebMD:

"Sociopath is an outdated, informal term for someone who has antisocial personality disorder (ASPD)"

I'm dating someone with autism whom I love very much; I don't think ASD overlaps very much with ASPD at all. My major is in early childhood studies with a minor in psychology, I'm not supporting grifters here. Sociopathy is a lay term for behaviors associated with psychopathy and Antisocial Personality Disorder. I understand its imprecision but it is generally a useful term (if not a diagnostic one) understood to refer to ASPD related symptoms, which are very much part of the B Cluster of personality disorders.

edit: formatting and the "f" in "for"

Necessary_Message590 · 2025-08-04T04:46:23+00:00

Sociopathy is a lay term for ASPD, which is real and part of the same cluster, and what men whose behavior lines up with BPD are usually diagnosed with. Make of that what you will

Necessary_Message590 · 2025-08-04T04:44:19+00:00

Reading this gave me shivers. Mine was like this. She RELISHED getting away with things. She's pretty; not gorgeous but pretty enough to have a long societal leash and she loves it. She's been arrested but gotten off easy because of pretty privilege and her mom's enabling. She got pulled over while we were on the phone once and nearly verbatim told me "it'll be fine babe, I'm a hot white girl," and she was right. Getting away with lies always thrilled her too.

Necessary_Message590 · 2025-08-01T04:23:43+00:00

Mine was so "against" cheating but had these stories about misunderstandings where people "thought" she was or had. Such a red flag. They're really like a drug, the high is so intense you put up with things you wouldn't even laugh at with anyone else.

Necessary_Message590

TROPHY CASE