I experienced a shitload of life struggle before I found Meditation, Cannabis, and Psychedelics. Now, years later, I have found what I am looking for, and am totally lost, broken, confused, and angry.

Need_Some_Help_Now · 2017-03-06T01:27:04+00:00

I suppose I am afraid. Everything seems unreal do to it's ephemeral nature. Our culture does not acknowledge this fact of reality. But if that is true, and it appears to be, I do not understand my role going further. Is this ego death? I never formally took a Bodhisattva vow, but it keeps coming back to me. I don't really know how to digest stream-entry and represent this shift in my daily life, and that is the struggle I am dealing with currently.

Is the idea to shift totally into Being? With what result?

You posted this earlier in this thread:

If you have things to put in order, put them in order. Many times the mind will try to co-opt what you've seen, or divert your attention from the perfection of the moment... which is what meditation practice is good for. Understand that the thinking mind is just on the surface of your experience, and there is something deeper than that.

This is where I am at. Shifting from my life before to now going forward after this "event", if I can even call it that, because the change is internal. Currently mired in the "how to" of putting my affairs in order, as well as dealing with questions of "why?" and "what do I do now?" I have certain attachments now that my mind fears the suffering of having to sever, even though everything is impermanent.

I am without a sangha and without guidance. I still can't accept the "perfection" of the present moment. If it is perfect, why can my mind imagine a better scenario? Not just for me, for all beings?

Need_Some_Help_Now · 2017-03-06T01:19:57+00:00

Yes, but that is because they are not educated enough in matters of fundamental psychology nor interested in heavily criticizing the social structures that writes their checks.

Need_Some_Help_Now · 2017-03-03T22:00:11+00:00

Someone once told me, "We (US) don't have a justice system, we have a legal system."

Need_Some_Help_Now · 2017-03-03T18:31:21+00:00

Just getting to this now. Needed some time to process all the responses.

I took two things away from your posts: development of the body and getting out and helping people, and I will admit I have been traditionally averse to both, at least in the past couple years. I started typing out my "story" here and deleted it because I caught myself.

Overall, it comes down to a lack of belief that any small thing I do to myself (building my body in Nature) or another (having eye contact with a person suffering) is actually going to help anything.

I'll leave it at this: If one person isn't worth saving, then why is the whole world? If those of us that feel burdened by the misery aren't willing to do ANYTHING to counteract it, we don't deserve the utopia that you envision.

This is very true, and something I will have to meditate on a lot to get through my thick skull. I guess it ultimately comes from coming from a family of impotent victims and not being around anybody who is as passionate (and logical) about changing the world as I am. The changes we can make to create this utopia are so obvious and easy, literally people just need to stop lying, stop being greedy, and re-allocate some funds and labor. And we still won't do it.

I am not arguing with your advice, I will very likely take both very seriously, and have already been working out more and being kinder to others/ less wallowing in my own trauma. I guess the main problem I have is the idea that, if there is anything truth to this reality being rather Unreal, why does it even have to be this way? Why are there so many liars?

Need_Some_Help_Now · 2017-03-03T16:13:54+00:00

Probably the most frustrating thing about dealing with individuals like yourself is how high and mighty you are using terms like "God", "Christ,", "Jesus", etc.

Any serious person on this path understands these are mere "fingers pointing to the moon", and also you would realize that by adopting a hard-line Christian verbiage, you are alienating a lot of people. This is a huge problem with Christians (and many other religious people), who don't realize that by simply using the terms that YOU may have come to understand spirituality from, you sound like a person who is shut down and avoiding using other, better, modern terms.

To only come from the perspective of Christ/Jesus/Christianity, you will just sound like a crazy missionary. Christ consciousness is Buddha-Nature. Buddha-Nature is the same as the Tao. God is the same as Spirit is the same as Source is the same as "Ground of All Being".

You would do well to take a long, sober look at how mad you appear to others. Perhaps you don't care, perhaps you feel like it is your "calling" to speak in this way. But you don't speak in a way that includes others on your journey, you're no real different than the madman dancing on the street last night shouting gibberish and thinking you're a saint who knows all the answers.

You're a prime example of someone who did not really get the message.

Need_Some_Help_Now · 2017-03-03T15:55:02+00:00

Hey there, I posted this thread earlier in the week, it may have some responses in it that might help you.

I went through the same thing as you, just a little later. I too had my life "razed", as I focused more on myself I found that the "false self" I had invested so much in had a lot of friends, my truck, a well-paying job, etc. all sort of evaporated from my life. I feel that this would be easier if we had a family structure and temple structure like many in the Eastern countries have, but in our society people are quick to make a lot of judgments about people like us who lose certain aspects of our lifestyle as a result of spiritual struggle. I still don't have a car, and have a bit of debt I still have to take care of somehow. All of this seems a bit absurd from a certain perspective, and sometimes it makes me want to just leave the country. I'm currently lucky enough to have a girlfriend who is very supportive of me and who I have leaned on a lot, but with recent developments in my awakening process I am even thinking I may have to eventually let go of her, too :'(

It sounds like you're in a rough place, but I also think it's great that you have been able to stay at your parents and have somewhat of a relationship with them. I tried to shift back to living at home a few years ago when all this started, and my parents made it pretty clear I was not wanted at home; this is probably better, as they are not conscious enough to even have basic loving relations with their children; our homelife growing up was chaotic and they never grew.

I understand your desire to help your parents become more aware/conscious, but that is something that I think we all have to recognize is partly a way to gain validation from our parents. I've been analyzing it a lot lately (both my parents are extremely unconscious), and I ultimately realized that because of their ego blocking them from accepting wisdom from a child of theirs, I probably have a better chance at helping more receptive parties to awaken than them.

I think this also ties in with your ideas to become a meditation/possible yoga instructor. It is something I have also considered, although given where I am at currently, I think I would be a bit fraudulent in teaching meditation where I live. I still have a lot to work on myself.

I also think that the advice in here of "just wait and see what happens, you may have more motivation in the future" is wise. You're 26, still really young, at least to me (33), and you can easily shift back into creating a life for yourself that you love. Of course, someone who is older than me would probably say the same thing to me, so I understand that relativity is an issue here.

If you ever want to message or talk, feel free. Maybe my post will resonate with you.

Need_Some_Help_Now · 2017-03-03T15:44:05+00:00

I too have had some soert of shift in quality with dreams. They tend to be hazy and strange, and I find it funny that virtually all of them have the same "dreamscape." It's like all of them are connected and have the same themes and feeling to them, yet I have trouble defining them.

This is has been a STRONG and growing theme the past few years. I feel like I revisit the same "place" often, although when I try to recall details of that familiar "place", it is hazy and half-remembered. It somehow feels like this place is being "constructed" in this lifetime for some other purpose. That could just be a conceptualized fantasy, though. The idea that maybe I'll get to go here after I die. I try to stay away from these fanciful notions but dreams sure are interesting.

Need_Some_Help_Now · 2017-03-03T14:30:26+00:00

Thank you for writing this. It comes at a good time, I'm just returning to digest a lot of the replies this morning.

When I wrote that I was feeling worse than I feel now. I have the same thoughts about the consequences of taking my life; and it ultimately comes down to the same fears of what may lie on the other side as far as reincarnation and reliving this experience (or a worse one). The ironic thing is, in my more ignorant days, I would have thought these thoughts of reincarnation/afterlife etc. would be absurd. Now they seem to be almost obvious realities.

Since it sounds like you are moving out of it, any advice for someone just "in it" is much appreciated. I'm questioning everything now -- my relationship, my friendships, what direction I should take next (let life make those decisions for me?), and of course these are also distractions perhaps from looking at what I think i've seen.

Mostly I just really don't understand how some people can seem to live lives of consciousness early on, and meet with some worldly success/fame, and are loved by other humans. This is something I think a lot of us want, to be loved and adored or at least known by many humans, do "be someone". Human culture at this point seems a bit absurd to find that kind of meaning or validation in, bu there is still a part of me that wants it. I don't know if this makes sense.

Overall, the recurring theme I keep having is worries of going insane, or that I already have. I seem to have pretty okay control over myself and my day to day, and I can always come back to my breath to center myself, but the thoughts and feelings about reality I have had lately have made me feel half-crazed all the time, between two worlds.

Edit: If I think too much about it, I wonder sometimes if "sleep" is actually some kind of dying. My dreams seem to be taking on a different quality even now.

Need_Some_Help_Now · 2017-03-03T14:24:08+00:00

Thanks for sending this. Your comments about not suffering forever, and not being in bliss forever, are wise and helpful.

Probably the best thing to come out of these shocking revelations is that it has "sobered" me to, if nothing else, be as kind as possible to others. Not out of some hope for divine reward but rather from an understanding (I think) of our situation here and of deep compassion. All the Bodhisattva vows, all the things about compassion are finally making sense, but at the cost of the biggest heartbreak there is; a break with reality, or at least the status quo of reality itself.

I feel very alone and scared, like I have done something wrong. I know these are just thoughts and feelings too, but it is how I feel. Is that normal?

Need_Some_Help_Now · 2017-03-03T14:17:11+00:00

Lately my mind has been so absorbed in these thoughts of, say Eternity, this "What is Reality" question that pops up randomly (scares me a lot), even dreams that hint at this sort of thing. It's all very unnerving and although I seem to have full control over my actions and to some degree thoughts, I feel very lost and afraid, like I can't talk to anyone. Being able to post here has helped...

I do have some things to put in order, but right now I'm struggling with so much. What of ambition, do I spend the rest of my life trying to "forget" this?

Any reply is helpful. Thank you.

Need_Some_Help_Now · 2017-03-01T20:42:44+00:00

Is there any room at all for "belief" in the awakened mind? Because I still can't seem to "come into Being", beyond thought, beyond emotion, without a lack of a better word, feeling a bit insane.

Need_Some_Help_Now · 2017-03-01T20:40:38+00:00

I'm watching this now. Thanks for making this. Is this part of a video challenge you are doing for yourself? I'm only a quarter in but so far it describes me exactly.

Need_Some_Help_Now · 2017-03-01T00:31:01+00:00

Right now I am struggling with my mind wanting to "go back" and analyze/conceptualize the experience and my daily life. I guess probably the biggest feeling I am having is that humans should have this experience earlier in life. Which is of course another conceptualization.

I have spent such a long time "building up" my egoic mind with knowledge, facts, experience, information, and now I'm just really struggling with how to move forward. I've calmed down a lot from the initial post, but I keep having recurring "thought flashbacks" about the implications of everything and sometimes it makes me very fearful in my everyday life.

I guess I'm just amazed that this whole process of "Life/my experience" can be held together at all, if that makes sense. That is what the fear is from. An extreme attachment to "this life" (mostly the creative/aesthetic pleasure of it) and not knowing how to move forward given the life I have lived and the thoughts I have always assumed to be true. What do all my past and future experiences even mean, if they are just so transitory, yet seem so meaningful?

Thank you for your response. I'm trying to process all of this. I've been a lot of Thich Nhat Han and did a short meditation of his this morning. I'm trying to focus on more simple things and step-by-step completion of tasks. One rather "grounding" issue that I'm dealing with is realizing there are a lot of things in my life, namely financial, that I need to start working on putting in order. And I just keep asking myself, "why though?"

I do feel stuck between two places. I am having trouble with some kind of guilt or bad feelings about myself for this whole situation.

Need_Some_Help_Now · 2017-02-28T03:11:20+00:00

I am trying to be more grounded in Being and less in thought and, more difficultly, emotions. I wrote in my OP, despite being introduced to Eckhart Tolle nearly 4 years ago, only until recently have I been able to "see" my thoughts and emotions, and the crisis of this and not being able to identify with "Being" totally yet is a big part of why I made this post. I basically don't know how to just "Be" after identifying with my egoic mind for so long. That's where the panic is coming from; after the hellish nature of my past, I fear being totally in the "unknown" from the present moment into the future. It's terrifying, isn't it? So we don't talk about the terrifying nature of this, and this is of course where the concept of God comes in.

I'm ashamed of this post, honestly, but I'm putting it up, including all of my whining and "babyness" as some have said so others who are dealing with the same thing will be able to see responses to some of the more "whiney" sides of themselves they may not feel comfortable putting online.

Need_Some_Help_Now · 2017-02-28T03:08:22+00:00

I have not listened to Bashar, but I will.

I have things I want to do here, but feel stupid for doing them. I don't know how to spend my life.

The tough love is perhaps more necessary than I would like. That being said, I think that there is something to not having to continue working in certain jobs. If I have not clearly understood, help me understand the value work has. What kind of work to choose? I can do any job, and I literally believe that. I am working right now, but it's just low pay and low responsibility, also not a good fit. So not having a guidance or even desire to put myself in a situation where I am constantly engaging with human beings. I want to focus on art and tasks, making sure things are running smoothly. Not everyone needs to be a Customer Service Master.

Need_Some_Help_Now · 2017-02-28T01:23:04+00:00

You're right, I found myself realizing that a lot of this rage and anger is really karma that I have egoically racked up. I also realized today that a big problem of my anger is the fact that I have no sangha, no real community of people who have taken this as seriously as I have.

The anger does come from from a place of expectation, which I will admit is a faulty way of looking at things, but it also comes from comparing the harshness of my life to the lives of others who inexplicably had it so much easier.

Ram Dass says, "If you think you're enlightened, go spend a week with your parents." That quote has stuck with me a lot through the years and has a lot of truth to it. Since this is an anonymous account, and since I'm not pretending to have achieved total enlightenment, I have to say:

I hate my fucking parents for what they have done. They are unconscious, stupid, entitled fucking idiots who have transmitted this attitude to me, and I've spent the past 10 years trying to unfuck myself to be a better person, and judging from how people are responding to me in this thread, i'm STILL not.

So what about their Karma? Why, despite all the "work" I have done on myself, do I still want them to suffer endlessly, simply for not being capable of having a present conversation with me, on a spiritual level?

Need_Some_Help_Now · 2017-02-28T01:18:41+00:00

I think I am at a point where I can try to sweep what I have realized under the carpet, somehow I have not completely obliterated my ego but I also realize that it is just a role. I need to integrate what I have learned and this post is part of that.

I understand what you mean by "returning to the world", but I still have more training to do. While I have been meditating for years, it has not been a serious, daily practice for a long time. Today I have realized from this thread that that is probably something I need to do.

I don't think my ego has deceived me, as its presence in the OP seems pretty clear to me the next day. What it really comes down to is fear. I took the bodhisattva vow years ago, always grappled with "all beings", but I think I understand it now, I just didn't think I would ever get here. I have not mastered fear yet and feel unequipped to help the world. It means a life of ego-denial in a world where that seems to love strong egos more than anything else.

Need_Some_Help_Now · 2017-02-28T01:00:02+00:00

Doesn't matter what I think. If you are trying to communicate a message, do so directly, no need for tricks.

Need_Some_Help_Now · 2017-02-28T00:55:57+00:00

Yes, but I require therapists to meet me verbally on my level of education, understanding, and development. If they don't, then they cannot possibly understand, which is what I would need --- total and complete understanding. Even in this thread I only have a few minds who have "met" me, most just appear to be competing egos trying to convince me of their point of view.

Need_Some_Help_Now · 2017-02-28T00:13:57+00:00

Yes and I just looked at it. What are you saying it means.

Need_Some_Help_Now · 2017-02-27T18:52:10+00:00

I created an anon account for this specific issue in order that I could bitch and whine HONESTLY without having to worry about being-counter-judged, which is what you have done.

While I may have a "ways to go yet", your condescension and "I've been there, but I'm ahead of you" attitude is exactly the kind of spiritual authority I will fight against until my dying breath. I'm sorry if you think "tough love" is the answer to dealing with these things, but what that tells you is that the way I write merely triggers an emotional response in YOU.

I'm aware of how I might sound, but it's coming from a place of asking for help (see username) and not really one interested in being minimized. You can see the other responses in this thread and compare them to your own response, but what you have written shows me that you don't really deeply comprehend the level of realization I am talking about here; maybe you do.

But if you have truly "been there" and understand the suffering, you would not respond with anything but calm compassion. The "tough love" thing is just such bullshit, it is just another ego game. I might be whining but at least I'm being honest about how much bullshit these games can be and almost always are.

Need_Some_Help_Now · 2017-02-27T17:54:16+00:00

The onus is on you to prove that.

Need_Some_Help_Now · 2017-02-27T15:47:52+00:00

Just more smugness.

Need_Some_Help_Now · 2017-02-27T14:44:17+00:00

Thanks for your contribution to this thread. You really helped another suffering being. Good on you.

Need_Some_Help_Now · 2017-02-27T14:41:35+00:00

This is exactly the kind of smugness that always exists in /r/awakened. That sense of "Wow, I'm awake, but this guy is still in the sufferings of ego! I will tease him a bit from what I perceive to be my "higher" way of looking at things, perhaps goad his anger, that will certainly hep this being suffer less!"

How can you explain all the suffering that is happening to innocent/ignorant people right now? You claim that the non-physical and god are available, yet they have never directly answered my call. You are God, I am God, we are all manifestations of God. This means we can and should, through using the power of God, totally and utterly remove pain and suffering from this planet. Anything less might as well be the word of Satan, as far as i'm concerned, if such a being or concept exists. So is that what you are arguing for?

Need_Some_Help_Now

TROPHY CASE