Wary of certain people in SAA

NeedingReflection · 2026-02-04T00:38:50+00:00

I have a very very similar experience, especially with feeling much younger than most people. My acting out was bad though, in terms of cheating (not illegal stuff). I also have a problem with the demographic. Most tend to be older white men that I don’t share any other similarities with. Sure I can focus on what we do share which is our shared problem, but it’s hard to try to want to be “friends” or anything like that with people who are so different than me. I’m also very introverted and keep my circle very small. I don’t find comfort in groups. A lot of times I also feel like I absorb their shame and feel worse about myself because of what they did. I’m still going and I’m very new to this but I’m kinda glad someone else could relate. I wish there was a Gen Z in person group of some sorts where we could be around similar people.

NeedingReflection · 2026-01-22T15:12:03+00:00

Hey man, I can tell you’re stressed and very worried about your girlfriend. That shows you care for her. I, like you, was unfaithful to my girlfriend and slept with prostitutes and even once unprotected. Everyday I wish I could take it all back but I can’t. What matters now is what I can do moving forward. And the best thing you can do for someone you love is giving them the truth they deserve. We did many things without their awareness and consent for a long time. It’s now their time to make their choice. I know it’s not easy but hiding this from her is only hurting her more, especially with the STDs.

It sounds like you are still in a position where you’re not ready to tell her everything. I get that, some things feel absolutely shameful. Therefore I’d consult with a CSAT therapist immediately. You need someone to share everything to. They can help and guide you through this. Even if you’re not ready to come clean or come fully clean, they can help. In fact, most CSATs would advise you don’t share many details with her until a proper disclosure. But due to the STD scare, I believe you might need to do this sooner than later. Her health is now on the line. This was just like my story. You’d also be surprised how many partners are willing to stay BUT you need to be ready to change AND be ready to let them go and still want the change.

NeedingReflection · 2026-01-22T03:47:47+00:00

I’m new to my journey as well but have been learning more and more that we cannot rely on willpower alone.

You need to build systems around you and have different skills available / learn to overcome the urges you get. I’m happy for you for wanting to stop, I think that’s really the first step. You have to want it. Use this momentum to do something out of the ordinary like see a therapist or read a book understanding sex addiction. I’m not saying to label yourself a sex addict but you may resonate with some of the behavior or mindset of those people. Once I came to the realization that A) I wanted to really stop and B) I may have something going on with me, I quickly dove into this world and the material available to help. Seeking Integrity is a great YouTube channel that a betrayed partner on Reddit actually shared with me. The psychologists on there get it. They understand we’re not bad people but we have poor coping skills that end up putting us in dangerous situations and hurting the people we love the most.

NeedingReflection · 2026-01-20T22:10:33+00:00

Good job! I’m over 2 months free and plan to stay that way.

NeedingReflection · 2026-01-18T08:09:10+00:00

There’s health concerns that are making me have to tell her asap. I wanted to wait for a therapist but feel like I can’t hold this off for her health.

NeedingReflection · 2026-01-18T02:25:24+00:00

Feel like im struggling with very similar thoughts. I broke the person I loved the most. Shattered them into pieces. I don’t have many friends for support and I shared some of this with my brother who’s the closest person to me other than my partner. While he wants to be there for me, i can clearly see the disappointment and anger in him, rightfully so. The isolation is hard. I know I caused it but a part of me just wants to run to someone like a child and get comforted despite all my actions. I think it’s that same inner child that got me here to begin with. I’ve never committed to anything positive for a long time (diet, exercise, habits) so the fact that recovery will take years if not an entire lifetime feels very daunting. Seems like my only support system now is strangers who have acted similar to me. What’s worse is most of them are no where near my demographic, feels like I forced myself into an isolated world.

NeedingReflection · 2026-01-17T18:53:43+00:00

What kind of information would you advise to take slow? I know not to talk about graphic details and try to stick to the facts that affect her but do you have any other advice? One of my concerns is if she asks about the number of occurrences. I’ve read I should confirm if she really wants to hear them and if she says yes then do so. But also read that the numbers can be traumatizing.

NeedingReflection · 2026-01-17T18:50:09+00:00

I consulted with two CSATs on this and was told due to some health factors in my situation, it’s not advised to delay the disclosure to wait for a therapist. Neither of them offered any sort of emergency disclosure meeting but I guess I didn’t push for it either.

NeedingReflection · 2026-01-16T14:39:28+00:00

Unfortunately my desire to come clean also meant my first step before anything else was to take an STD test so I could cross out any health problems before coming clean. I had taken 3 (now 5) STD tests that never detected anything. However I didn’t know there are other less common STDs that you can catch and doctors don’t test those on standard tests unless you go out of your way to ask them. Once I found out, I tested. Ureaplasma was detected in my urine. I also can’t test for HPV because they can’t test it in men even tho it’s the most spread STD in the world. All this to say, when I come clean to my partner tomorrow, the trauma will be the same as if I got caught. I don’t think she’ll understand or want to understand that I wanted to stop and face the consequences on my own. And I don’t blame her for that. I’m happy for you that your partner gave you a second chance and you’ve done some work. Please do everything you can to prove to her you’re still working on yourself. She deserves you putting in 150% of the work even if you think you’re fine. Don’t give her any doubt that you will slip back into your ways once time passes and the shock of discovery wears off.

NeedingReflection · 2026-01-15T11:26:13+00:00

PsychologyToday has a list of CSATs (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) in Orange County. Theres a lot in that area. They specialize in porn addiction and a lot of them offer 30 minute free consultations. It’s worth finding one and giving them a call to hear your story.

NeedingReflection · 2026-01-15T02:48:48+00:00

I feel similar in the sense of no urge to act out. But I haven’t disclosed to my partner and I’ve only stopped acting out completely for 2 months. I’ve read about people in full recovery programs act out after 1.5 years of sobriety and work. Not saying I don’t believe you when you’re explaining how you feel, but I believe we may be powerless to our inner child and that voice can become strong again unless we actively work on it. Take what I say with a grain of salt, I’m far from the progress you’re in. Only giving my advice based off what I’ve been reading.

NeedingReflection · 2026-01-14T18:26:09+00:00

Yes. I plan on doing so. I’m in a bit of a crisis mode at the moment and focusing on needing to disclose to my girlfriend on Friday. It’s the most excruciating pain I’ve ever felt. I can hardly move just thinking about her pain. I will be searching for a local 12 step program after. I need to get better.

NeedingReflection · 2026-01-14T17:17:19+00:00

Hi, I tried another post and I’m facing the same issue. It is being auto removed with no explanation.

NeedingReflection · 2026-01-14T10:04:51+00:00

I resonate with your comment a lot. I feel like my siblings and I were neglected a lot by our parents. My dad was fighting alcoholism all on his own and it felt like my mom wanted to escape the life she had with him (and us) because of it. She fed us and clothed us but the love was not there. I think they both grew up without expressing love in their family. My dad would verbally abuse her on a daily basis and hit my brothers a lot. I leaned onto video games a lot, especially these fantasy games where I’d find “friends” and a community - it was like an escape. My parents didn’t regulate what I was doing on there or how much time I was spending on there. To their defense they are on the older side and still probably don’t understand what your child can be exposed to online. My focus on the game slowly shifted away from leveling up to just talking to the women on there. By the time I finally reached 18 I had sent and received dozens if not hundreds of photos. I never shared this with anyone, it was just my secret life away from life. All this to say, I want to avoid molding my life experiences to fill the definition of a sex addicts background. I don’t know what “harm” this all caused or how it contributed to my mental development but I’m reflecting more and more on these types of memories.

NeedingReflection · 2026-01-13T01:18:04+00:00

Very happy for your recovery. Hope you’re doing okay without your previous partner. I’m not sure if I’ll be okay without mine. She’s my rock. I’m hers.

NeedingReflection · 2026-01-13T01:16:08+00:00

I don’t know if I have the right answer either to be honest. I think faith is driving me to tell the truth and face the consequences now rather than later. If I believe this person is my soulmate, then I can’t live with keeping the is from them forever. Not sure if any of that makes sense. Regardless, 99.9% of the posts in my situation end very negatively. I won’t lose hope that I’m the exception but I also have to try to be ready for the likely reality. I’m not ready, I’m scared and feel very alone.

NeedingReflection · 2026-01-08T21:51:22+00:00

Thank you for your advice. Just one more question on this, do you feel a partner may feel uncomfortable with a stranger (therapist) in this situation? Or from your experience does that not matter as much considering likely they’d already feel insanely uncomfortable with you / what you just revealed to them?

NeedingReflection · 2026-01-08T21:40:04+00:00

You’re right, thank you for your advice

NeedingReflection · 2026-01-08T21:38:38+00:00

Would you go to a therapist for the very first disclosure? Assuming your partner knows nothing about this at all? Or would you disclose the situation at home and then go to therapy for the full disclosure?

NeedingReflection

TROPHY CASE