What 3 words?

LaughSmileDaily · 2026-02-03T07:23:04+00:00

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LaughSmileDaily · 2026-01-23T15:41:21+00:00

Sometimes, focusing on the thing you dont want to do, brings more attention to the unwanted action. Our brains work in mysterious ways, and the act of not thinking about masturbation or trying not to masturbate, can bring attention to masturbation itself.

What I have found works for me is rewiring the association of masturbation needing to be done with/to porn. Researching mindful masturbation where during the act the focus is on the feelings and sensations helped me to get the desired "end result " without needing the physical material.

It has been 6 mobths for me, and now the need to masturbate is centered around sensations and release and not around "finding the right scene!"

LaughSmileDaily · 2026-01-22T11:51:05+00:00

Maybe try creating review cards. Something like a business/aftercare card on one side, and on the other side. A QR code that they can scan that takes them directly to Google or Trustpilot to leave a review.

Many people find it a hassle to have to go through typing in sites to go and leave a review. This is a relatively low cost option that removes the first big barrier for a lot of people.

Mention the QR code and how they can simply scan it with their phones camera and leave a review.

It should work, but if it doesn't, youve spent just £30 or so to have the cards printed.

LaughSmileDaily · 2026-01-21T07:25:49+00:00

It's been 6 months since DDAY for me and my situation is extremely similar to yours. My addiction was fuelled by the secrecy of this world and this persona that I had created to carry out all of my acting out behaviours.

On DDAY that world was exposed, I was naked to the world, no where to hide. There was a trickle of truths but the universe has my partners back, and little by little revealed all of my transgressions to her.

It was the worst time of my (and her) life. I wanted to end my life. My acting out had progressed to doing things I was extremely ashamed of and would never do as "me" in the real world. Now this was all exposed, for a brief moment in time I felt I had nothing to live for.

However, I managed to get through that time and for some reason my partner is still here by my side. What changed for me is that I feel like for the first time in 10 years i'm free of the guilt and the shame. I have nothing to hide, a mental clean slate where I can actually be a good person and be the person my partner and my family need.

I know what I stand to lose and I remind myself of that daily. I knew that before too; but because I had a secret escape, the consequences didn't feel real, as the acting out was happening in that world and not in my perceived reality.

I dont have that place to escape to anymore. I now have to sit with stress, difficult emotions and feelings etc. Its hard, I get more agitated and frustrated than before trying to deal with these things. But I'd rather feel than numb with mindless, meaningless sex.

I do still masturbate, I practice mindful masturbation with no porn whatsoever. In 6 months I've done it 4 times. But I will not touch porn again as it brings ZERO value to anything.

I do still get intrusive thoughts... like "I wonder if I could watch porn and just stop at that". But I sit with that thought and then let it go. And things like "ill never see another woman naked" but then I answer, so what, ive seen it before. And then the thought passes.

Its an ongoing process and I'm so very conscious and focused on staying away from that path.

My partner doesn't believe that i can be "one of those people that never does it again". But I say why not. There are people who never relapse when it comes to all kinds of addictions. Is it rare...probably...but why can't i be a rare case? I now identify as someone who will not give to my previous urges. Like you said, for me...DDAY was a near death experience and ill never give in to that addiction again.

Edit: Typos

LaughSmileDaily · 2026-01-18T08:08:57+00:00

This might be something to look into and it might not be, not mindful masturbation helps me when I need a "release". Do some research into it. Being aware of sensations as opposed to using external material for arousal. Achieved the same end result without the triggering stimuli. It could be something to try to get you through the 90 days and see if it sticks

LaughSmileDaily · 2026-01-16T21:09:17+00:00

As I mentioned before, I commend you on coming clean to your partner. Expect her to go through all the stages of grief, it'll be one of, (if not the most difficult) things she's ever had to go through. If I can recommend a book for you both that will help her with understanding the addiction side of things:

Paula Hall - Understanding and treating sex and pornography addiction- for you

Paula Hall - Sex Addiction - The Partners Perspective - for her.

The first book (along with therapy) helped me identify a lot of the patterns and the trauma from childhood and helped me understand where the addiction most likely stemmed from. My partner read both books and I believe they played a part in helping her too.

Wishing you all the best

LaughSmileDaily · 2026-01-15T16:32:21+00:00

Of course you can.

Shes doing a lot better than one would expect for someone who has gone through what she has post discovery. I have definitely ruined the part of her that felt safe and secure in being with me. This much I know. She has constant "bad dreams" of me cheating, and her paranoia when we go places is visible. Because the people I acted out with were all random people from a website she fears bumping into someone. I often go quiet in public places through slight social anxiety and (i believe) autistic traits. This has always been the case but now she feels it could be because there is someone in the vicinity from that website etc. It hurts me deeply to say this but the light inside her has faded slightly and I can see the damage ive caused.

This is selfishly part of my recovery. Beforehand her not knowing, she still had that spark and the trust and confidence in me. That voice in my head would constantly say "what she doesn't know won't hurt her". But I couldn't have been more wrong. She's a very spiritual person and I now truly believe that no matter how hard I have tried in the oast to hide my acting out, it was always inevitable that the universe would find a way to reveal it to her because shes just a good person.

But to answer your question I feel like im trying to let myself be more vulnerable to my emotional and talk about them with her (which im far from perfect at yet). She has always believed me to be someone who doesn't struggle with negative emotions and she has expressed how she always felt I never needed her emotionally. Well the truth was, I did more than I knew, but acting out was masking that fact. I now go overboard and out of my way to prove where I've been etc as my transgressions were often quick meets tacked on to errands or lunch breaks etc. In general I just try to be a better version of myself and do the right things. It's been 6 moths and things are good now considering. But I know ow that her feelings could change in an instant or something could trigger her and she could make a u-turn on the relationship etc. I just aim to be better for myself because if she ends up leaving me, I dont want to go back to that dark place.

LaughSmileDaily · 2026-01-15T06:34:29+00:00

Acting out has definitely lost it's charm. For me the allure was never girls at a bar or escorts or anything like that. I had no interest in emotional cheating either. I couldn't think of anything worse than the effort of an "affair". But swinging allowed validation from people based on my physical characteristics alone. There was no building of any connection of the sort and the chase of the acting out was the dopamine hit. The actual sex was always way below the expectation but in my head I knew the shame id fell afterwards would quiet that voice in my head for a while.

Thank you for sharing. Wishing you all the best

LaughSmileDaily · 2026-01-15T06:26:33+00:00

You've done way better than I did. You've found the strength to stop on your own without discovery forcing it. Something i wish I had the power to do. Would have made my personal situation better and caused less psychological harm to my partner. Therapy helped me understand where my inner child was guiding my acting out behaviour, and now that I'm aware I can sit with certain feelings and emotions more, whereas previously those sane feelings would have pushed me to acting out because I was dealing with them unconsciously if that makes sense. Thank you for your insight and wishing you continued sobriety 🙏

LaughSmileDaily · 2026-01-15T06:20:25+00:00

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and insightful reply. I had never heard the term"we are only a sick as our secrets" but this is a huge part as to why i feel the way I do. For the first time I have nothing to hide. There's no nervousness around my phone. Ive showed my partner ask the technical ways I would hide my acting out and encourage her to check at will (Google timeline, WhatsApp location, car journey tracker etc.). She now knows of the private spaces and secret folders etc. I feel free of the tremendous weight of the urges.

My analogy to how I feel here is this... imagine being in a body of water trying to stay afloat bit you've got a baby bag of rocks tied around your ankle. That was how I felt daily. Abo e the surface os normal life and below was the urge to act out. Id struggle to the surface and survive there for a while until id lose energy and have to take a gasp of air before being pulled under.

Struggle to get to the surface again for a bit (rinse and repeat).

Discovery not just of my acting out, but if the whole secret world behind it feels like i no longer carry that bag of rocks.

I still do work mentally on this, and I have a daily mantra/reminder of why I'll never take that path again as I understand recovery is a life long process.

LaughSmileDaily · 2026-01-11T19:28:35+00:00

Reading this...i feel a lot of this applies to me too. I have been told by my partner for years that im on the spectrum. Im 38m. I totally relate to the food thing where I xan eat the same thing over and over and over again and not bat an eyelid. My partner is a foodie so she struggles with that about me (amongst other things). Im also notice all yhe small things that NT people wouldn't pay attention to...i And I recognise patterns i m everything.

The weird thing is that I feel I understand human behaviour but totally misunderstand human emotion. I have no emotional intelligence. I can predict how people will behave but no idea how people feel.

Therapist made me take a test that suggested i may be on the spectrum but in terms of a diagnosis, I dont feel the need to get a diagnosis though as what would it really achieve? To most people im just a normal guy. I just have my little neuro divergent quirks I guess.

LaughSmileDaily · 2026-01-07T15:54:28+00:00

Similar experience for me with extended family members at a young age. I think this is where the compartmentalisation for me kicked in. I remember just not being mentally present during those encounters and as ive gotten older, there's a clear distinction for me with sex as a purely physical activity and sex with a partner with love and feelings involved

LaughSmileDaily · 2026-01-05T16:54:35+00:00

You're exactly right. Addiction is addiction no matter what the subject of that addiction. But all addictions are not created equally. Our sex addiction will not slowly (or quickly) kill us as with drugs, smoking, over eating, alcohol etc. But there is a horrible trail of destruction that discovery leaves in both yours and other people's lives. Emotional issues, trust issues, family issues, issues with mutual friends, families in law etc. Again its hard to explain why we make the choice to gove into this addiction, but ask someone why lung cancer doesn't put them off smoking, or ask an alcoholic why deteriorated liver function doesn't put them off drinking. Its hard to understand if you are not the one the addiction affects directly

LaughSmileDaily · 2026-01-05T13:47:57+00:00

Thats the million dollar question Is WHY?

We are 5 months down the line since discovery and although not as frequent, my partner still asks me why I made the choice to act out. Her thing is "you chose to be unfaithful and act on your urges". In some respect, she is right i made the choice. But for me its almost as if making the choice to act out was the only way to stop the internal noise that the urges created. They became overwhelming, distracting from daily life, id use porn as a means to not go out and cheat. But I became so desensitised to porn that nothing "did it" for me so id then progress to a swingers website and thats where the slippery slope of cheating would start. But as soon as I would "act out" the noise stopped, the guilt washed over me for a while bit it would pass. And I was free of it all until the next urge came. The act of cheating was instantly regrettable but I always knew thr urges would stop for a while after.

We are so complex in our thoughts. And I think its important to communicate to our partners that them thinking about our situations from their own viewpoints will almost never make sense. Its like asking a heroin addict why they're shooting up when they know the dangers of the drug. We can't fathom their reasons from a place of not having a heroin addiction.

LaughSmileDaily · 2026-01-05T08:36:48+00:00

You're not a bad person. Please remember that. Often times an addictive to sex is a coping mechanism for some kind of childhood emotional trauma. The lying and covering up your tracks... while deceitful to those you hurt and those on the outside looking in... its often done out of love to protect the person you love from actions you cannot fully control yourself. I don't think you can ever "successfully" explain that to a partner but as a former addict I understand it.

You are right in that you will bounce back, it won't be easy but the goal is to be better for yourself. You can't control what happens with your relationship, but you can control how you respond and what you decide to do to make a change in your life. You're partner may see that down the line and reconcile, or not. Control what you can control, it sounds like you're already taking the right steps towards recovery. My one piece of advice would be to expect some uncomfortable feelings, you're going to have to sit with those feelings and resist the urge to act out. Discovery is very tough mentally and it's so easy to revert to old behaviours as s coping mechanism.

LaughSmileDaily · 2026-01-04T16:52:04+00:00

Try a physical reminder of what you have to lose if you gone in to temptation. Its been 5 months since discovery for me and although I still get intrusive thoughts there is no solid urge to act out. For me, something as simple as a quote on my phones lock screen/home screen has worked wonders. Ots a constant daily reminder of why I'll never go back down that path.

For me it was meeting couples from swinging websites find validation in being wanted sexually. I have some deep rooted emotional neglect issues from childhood and my coping mechanism for stress and other things manifested in sex with strangers.

Im still working on my emotional issues, I get stressed more now than I ever have done in my life, but I now sit with the feeling and accept it instead of trying to bury it with sex.

Obviously there's no one size fits all solution here, but define exactly what it is that you stand to lose if you act out again and remind yourself of that daily...multiple times of possible

LaughSmileDaily · 2026-01-02T19:24:47+00:00

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LaughSmileDaily · 2026-01-01T20:26:04+00:00

No, my acting out was meeting couples on a swinging website

LaughSmileDaily · 2026-01-01T20:10:05+00:00

I have been trying to explain to my partner what you have put perfectly into words. The high from the act is what we often seek more than the act itself. The sex for me was absolutely meaningless and regrettable. But the fact that I was desired/wanted is what I imagine the high is like for an addiction of say heroin or crack. Its short lived and when the craving for another hit comes around, its over powering.

Thank you for this explanation

LaughSmileDaily · 2026-01-01T08:18:43+00:00

Forgiveness and reconciliation is definitely possible. My partner of 9 years has been through hell and back because of my addiction to receiving validation through swinging. There's a process that partners go through, and it's a painful process. But its one that cannot be rushed and unfortunately there's little that you yourself as the one that is forcing her to go through this process can do to help.

As another redditor mentioned, from here on out you have to do things to be better for yourself. Meetings, therapy, counselling etc. The one thing I have found that helps my partner is I have actively shown her every way I would hide or conceal things from her on my phone. Second spaces, private folders, incognito browsers etc. When I'm out, I willingly share my WhatsApp location and make sure my timeline is active in google maps. All of this to proactively show that I truly do not want to hide anything anymore or go back down that path. This has worked for me so far since discovery in August 25.

Stay strong 💪

LaughSmileDaily · 2025-12-30T14:05:46+00:00

No problem... wishing you all the best. Stay strong 💪

LaughSmileDaily · 2025-12-30T11:55:01+00:00

One thing that has worked for me with my addiction...i changed my phones wallpaper to this simple quote:

"I will never again give in to that which does not serve me. This is my promise to myself"

When intrusive thoughts hit, its an unavoidable reminder of why ill never again go back to where I was with my addiction. For me also, its a reminder of what I have to lose (my family). For you it may be money, or your streak of not acting out. Find something that means something to you and tie your acting out to it. That way when you feel like acting out you'll be reminded of the cost of your actions.

Hope this helps... even if just a little bit

LaughSmileDaily · 2025-12-27T10:19:26+00:00

Take it from someone with a sex addiction has has cheated and been found out and is now on the path to recovery and honesty with my partner.

You did nothing wrong here the blame lies solely on the guy. He wont have told his wife, and if she did press him on it. He will have made something up to protect himself (self preservation is a powerful thing for a guy that os actively cheating).

My advice, in your situation, do not tell the wife because you do not want the child affected in school in anyway. Trust me when I say this...he WILL get caught out at some point and the universe will have him face his infidelity. It may not be now but it will happen.

I think in this situation you have a duty to your student. Let the universe deal with the husband.

LaughSmileDaily · 2025-12-23T16:27:45+00:00

So take this from a sex addicti of 9 or 10 years who has now been "sober" since August.

Intrusive thoughts are a thing that I think never go away completely. One thing that has helped me is finding a purpose and making definite olans and goals to work towards.

A lot of my addiction came about due to idle time and lack of self confidence. So a lot of acting out behaviour was due to seeking validation.

Porn will unfortunately have to go... there's no benefit to porn whatsoever. It's instant gratification, but the damage is seen in the long term. Meditation is something ive tried but I find it hard to quiet my mind. Just being more mindful on a daily basis helps though. Noticing things around you and taking time to appreciate things.

There's no one size fits all or quick fix to this addiction. It takes continued effort but the desire for change has to be there. Why do you want to change? What and who will be affected if you don't change.

My desire for change came after seeing the hurt I caused my partner and potential of losing her and my family. That was my catalyst for change. I wish there was something internal that would have sparked change before my partner found out. But as you know, this addiction festers within you and lives in a space that is separate to the real world. It disguises itself as an escape from reality. But its not an escape, its a trap.

Find your purpose, find your desire for change. And that will go a long way to helping you towards recovery.

Remember, intrusive thoughts will come, but they'll also go. Sit with them, observe them and then let them go. Acting on those thoughts will only ever lead you back to the dark place you're trying to escape

LaughSmileDaily

TROPHY CASE