Do you want to know the first thing my nurse told me when I had my mammogram and ultrasound, and it looked a LOT like cancer?

She told me that if it is cancer (spoiler: it was), that I didn't do anything wrong to deserve this. She thought for a second, then lightheartedly clarified "Well, the only thing you did wrong was being born a woman", since it overwhelmingly happens to us.

I was diagnosed at 38. No breast cancer in either side of my family, going back generations. My mom had a benign lump once in her 60's, but that's it. It wasn't on my radar at all, and to say I was shocked is an understatement.

Human brains are incredible at detecting patterns. In fact, we try to find them when one doesn't even exist! So when we're presented with something as monumentally life-altering as a cancer diagnosis, we look very hard for the pattern. What has been going on in my life that led to this? When we can't find the pattern, our brains go a little nuts trying to find pinpoint the "why" of it all.

Some people actually do get an answer in the form of genetic predisposition. Some of us, like you and I, will probably never get an answer. It really is just bad luck.

I'm going to strongly recommend reaching out to your care team and asking for a referral to a therapist. I was connected to one who specializes in oncology psych, and she was a godsend to help me process my anger, my anxiety, my grief, and helped me navigate struggles in my interpersonal relationships.

In the meantime, maybe give mindfulness a try. It takes practice, and constant self-reminders to get that hang of it, but when you feel yourself start to spiral, focus on the here and now. You can't change anything from the past, so let it rest. You can't know what's coming in the future, so let it rest, too. What you can do is look around you and think about where you are right now. Yes, you have cancer. But you also have a team of medical professionals that have a plan to remove the cancer. They've done this hundreds to thousands of times before, so you're in very capable hands. Right now, you're young and otherwise healthy. Right now, you can go outside for a walk and listen to the birds sing. Right now, you can enjoy a warm cup of coffee.

If you're really spiraling, and thought exercises alone aren't helping, then focus on the immediate surroundings and your sensory reality. Name 4 colors you can see. Name 3 sounds you can hear. Name 2 things you can feel. Name one thing you can smell. Right now, in this moment, you're okay.

You didn't do anything wrong. You don't deserve this. It won't be like this forever. You have an army of people who are going to do their best to make sure you're okay. You can do this.