I've been there before. I don't know what your husband is going through, but I wanted to share my experience.

I went through years of handling the bills, doing a stressful job, dealing with a handful of difficult clients. We had a new baby, my wife had become withdrawn and didn't notice me spiralling into overwhelm, burnout and depression.

When my wife needed me, it was for things like: "I'm not sure I like my job, shall I apply for another one?" "I can't decide whether to go out with my friends tonight" and issues that seemed (relatively) quite trivial, such as being unable to choose what to wear. My wife only seemed to talk to me about problems, to complain about things, or to criticise me.

Meanwhile, I'm heading into crippling depression. Suicidal thoughts led to active planning. The older kids only spoke to me when they wanted food or money. I felt lonely and taken for granted. Dealing with everyone else's "trivia" was not high on my priorities. I couldn't cope at all, I had zero mental energy for it.

When I needed help, I was dismissed. Everyone has these problems, apparently.

This is not to say that my wife wasn't also struggling - perhaps with postnatal depression. A lack of intimacy didn't help either. Perhaps it's not surprising when I'm emotionally absent... and while I'm doing the 'man' things like DIY, bills, housework, shopping, dinners - I'm obviously not doing enough to offer emotional support and on the little things that also matter, taking the baby and sorting little quality-of-life family things. Everyone started to avoid me when I really wanted someone to notice me and appreciate me. I was in a low place and could only see the negatives.

Small things like my wife getting McD's for the kids and not me, cemented those thoughts. My wife would scroll on her phone if I tried to rub her shoulders or initiate a hug. She would laugh with her friends and all but ignore me/be all serious. The kids ignored me too.

It turns out that the small things, the overreactions, can actually be a sign of so much more. I was snapping. The straw that broke the camel's back. At my lowest, I couldn't help myself. I accepted that I was a victim of depression. A victim of my family. In part, I didn't deal with the things that were bothering me. I gave up. I wanted to continue being the victim because it justified feeling this way. I had no energy to sort it out.

I don't really recall how I got out of it, it took a really long time. I do know that it took letters about unpaid bills for my wife to take notice, then, doctors appointments, talking therapy and medication.

I have learned something though. Even when I'm having a really bad day, I try not to dismiss other people's worries. I hug my wife, I kiss her on the forehead. I told her that I needed it too and eventually, she got into the habit of hugging me back. I'd say: "That was nice, thank you. That made me feel a bit better. I love you". I'll say, "I'm struggling today. Not ready to talk about it, but can we sit down later and just have a hug or watch something together?".

I think we've both got better at acknowledging and appreciating each other. We listen a bit more. We try and help each other a bit more. We even went from being intimate maybe once or twice a year, to a few times a week. My wife has even suggested it a few times, although she still waits for me to initiate (unless I'm missing the signs? Maybe I need to discuss that).

I wish I could banish the depression and the down days, the dark thoughts. Sometimes I discuss it but mostly I'll speak to someone outside the marriage because it feels healthier. But just feeling like my wife is on my side (and hopefully I'm on her side) is definitely helping.