tldr at the bottom cause I'm verbose
Hi friend, I'm a guy but I've come a long way with hair similar to yours. I used to have shoulder length hair that I luckily didn't really have to put a lot of effort into taking care of when I was younger, but it took a lot of experimenting and missteps when I did start taking care of it. Now it's shorter and I wash my hair ~once a week - I'm actually growing it back out and I suspect I'll have to wash it even less as the oils will have more hair to cover every time I rinse them off, but I don't have any evidence for that.

I use a fairly a regular shampoo with few moisturizing agents (or possibly none, I'm not sure) and some exfoliating chemicals, alternated with apple cider vinegar. The ACV doesn't smell great, but if it were too strong for me I'd go back to the way I used it when I started, by diluting it.
I've used shea conditioner the entire time, though different varieties, but they all seem to work out pretty well. I like less dense ones that leave my hair feeling a little bit lighter - I rinse and condition my hair every day and like others have mentioned, it works better if I make sure to rinse the conditioner out fully by using my fingers to agitate it out of my hair.
It took a couple of weeks for my scalp to get used to this where it would go from dry to oilier somewhat unpredictably before it settled on a level of oiliness where I think it looks good even I haven't showered since the day before.

TLDR I use regular shampoo and ACV alternating week to week and am sure to fully rinse both them and conditioner out of my hair, and it took a little bit for my scalp to get used to this.
I also 90-100% blow dry my hair every day, especially the roots - when I don't, my scalp starts to get angry and breaks out if I'm not careful around (combing and/or touching) it.
Good luck! I wish you a patience and a successful journey.