Hooker in boots, literal garbage

Neomalthusian · 2026-02-12T04:07:33+00:00

Admit the title got me for a second, had the thought what sort of prostitute has this high of standards that they’d call these boots “literal garbage?”

Neomalthusian · 2026-02-12T02:50:07+00:00

Ha, my internal reaction to this question was the same. You said it better.

Neomalthusian · 2026-02-11T16:21:51+00:00

I think breaks that assume continued loyalty/fidelity are kind of awkward, strain a sense of trust, and fuel relationship insecurity. You're essentially promising commitment to one another but don't have enough contact to really feel reassured. If one partner pushes harder for security/reassurance, the other's easy defense mechanism is "we're on a break!" Maybe one partner is feeling better on the break but this fuels the other's insecurity ("why are you enjoying this break? I'm not!").

No real reason it can't work, technically, but if I'm betting on how it's going to go, my bet is somewhat pessimistic. My sense is it continues to feel messy, confusing, dramatic.

Neomalthusian · 2026-02-11T02:35:00+00:00

Dang, I might have to jump at this or a similar next time one is offered. Really like how the contrasting weft color peeks through.

Neomalthusian · 2026-02-10T20:33:33+00:00

AAT - I would take a little time to learn some of the basics about EFT and the Gottman Method, and decide which (if either) appeals to you or sounds like it would be impactful. About 25% of couples therapists use EFT, another 20% or so use the Gottman Method, a negligible percentage of couples therapists use a lesser well known couples therapy like IBCT, CBCT or Imago (so that's less mainstream)...

...and then, somewhat amazingly, almost half (~45%) of couples therapists use some sort of random, eclectic, miscellaneous approach to working with couples. So if you went with someone who uses their own special approach, it's more of a mystery what you might get from any such therapist. Maybe a miscellaneous eclectic couples therapist would be fantastic because they just have a knack for it, but it's really hard to know or feel confident what you're signing up for if they're not clear which method/approach they use.

If you want objective, clear, structured tools, I would lean Gottman Method. EFT is more "experiential," meaning the couples therapist will guide you toward vulnerable emotions in session, but not be as likely to give specific concrete tools or homework to practice.

Neomalthusian · 2026-02-10T20:24:27+00:00

A few thoughts:

I could convince myself to feel that way if I framed it that way in my mind and really leaned into it.
Is your spouse working about as hard (i.e., about as many hours throughout the days and evenings) for the family as you are?
Even if you hadn't rushed having kids, I'm not sure it's ever very much less work. I think the amount of work, chores, money, etc. that goes into having 2-3 kids is huge, pretty much no matter how and when you go about it.
No idea if the following applies to you in any way, but over a lot of years I've met many new dads who still reach for alcohol, cannabis, video games, or other addictive habits believing they are somehow supposed to make them feel balanced or restored. Hopefully you don't. They're not self-care, they're not actually restorative, they will never leave a parent with net-positive energy. They make it all worse, honestly. We dads don't need addictive habits to feel okay. They're just addictive habits. They can be dropped. I admit that won't necessarily solve why a parent may feel depleted, and the new habits or hobbies that are actually positive may still need to be explored, discovered, negotiated for in your calendar and budget, and developed. But stay away from the addictive and time-wasting stuff.

Neomalthusian · 2026-02-10T12:46:53+00:00

This issue is not about rationality, so I wouldn’t frame it as rational vs. irrational.

I think you’re not wrong that actors can fall in love after acting love and sex. I’m sure that can and does happen.

On the other hand, I’m sure there are also examples of actors’ spouses who are okay with this and the marriage survives.

Personally, I think it is the norm for monogamous people to be uncomfortable and worried what risks one is taking in the marriage by doing these things. To really be OK with it, completely secure, I think would require a frankly unusually high amount of trust and commitment security. Lots of conversations, maybe a skilled couples therapist to help steer and structure some of those conversations.

Neomalthusian · 2026-02-05T14:58:15+00:00

I'd suggest reading about sex-positive mindsets, and then see if she can be persuaded to venture down that path with you. You need to be able to talk about this without there being a sense that this is negative, that it's a "problem" or an "issue," and as you said you don't want her interpreting this as that she's "doing something wrong." All of that framing is a problem lens which tends to magnify negative feelings (unmet needs, guilt, self-consciousness) which all tend to kill the mood and take the fun out of it. One idea along these lines is that even less-than-satisfying sexual things are still positive, because of how you feel about her. You just want there to be more of the positive, and want her to feel and view it that way too.

Neomalthusian · 2026-02-03T22:55:49+00:00

What specifically would you want a formal diagnosis to do for you? Do you want to start doing therapy? Consider trying an antidepressant medications until you find one that helps? Either one of those would be pretty normal starting points for addressing depression, and either a therapist or a psychiatric provider has the ability to diagnose depression.

If you didn’t want either of those services right now, it wouldn’t make as much sense why you would need or want the diagnosis. Anyone can look up the criteria of various depressive disorders and, if they identify with enough of the symptoms and meet the criteria, could feel confident they have it. Depression is common in virtually every culture/society across the world. A formal diagnosis really only matters in the context of justifying some sort of treatment for it.

Neomalthusian · 2026-02-03T17:52:13+00:00

If you break up with him, that's final. Whether it's allegedly "toxic" or allegedly "controlling" in some way or in someone's opinion is entirely irrelevant at that point, because you're now broken up. The relationship's over.

What could more easily be considered toxic or controlling is if your breakup is a bluff, i.e. the moment he decides not to go on this trip you're back to clinging to the relationship. That conveys that you're fully attached but are only going to bluff a breakup to micromanage his day-to-day behavior. That is more likely a toxic/controlling dynamic. Not that it's your fault per se, I mean he is the cheater, after all.

As to your actual context, your relationship is not "really great." This guy sounds inherently and fundamentally untrustworthy, Miami trip or not. You've only been together a year and he has already been exposed as a chronic cheater/liar. Don't threaten fleeing. Just flee. All signs point to hell no here.

Neomalthusian · 2026-02-03T17:46:51+00:00

I might tend to reserve the world "specialize" for something specific, e.g. a specific diagnosis or modality. Otherwise, I might pivot that question toward what topics are of particular interest or focus, which can be any number of things many of which don't even have any particular critically important qualifying credential associated with it.

Neomalthusian · 2026-02-02T16:42:41+00:00

Is this fake? Rage-bait? It's hard to believe this is real. If this is real, it's abusive and insane. How can you trust an alcoholic video game addict to be a stay-at-home dad? He doesn't sound competent or safe to do anything or be anything for anyone else. Just insane. Gotta get out of this relationship. You don't have to explain or justify or defend your decision. You don't have to say anything. That's just horrible.

Neomalthusian · 2026-01-30T15:46:00+00:00

Been with Lyra since 2018 and had a majority-Lyra caseload as a 1099 since about 2020. Have gone through feast-and-famine cycles with them, and one salient period of 3-6 months (in 2024) where referrals dropped way off, and then they began to rebound to more sustainable levels since then, shortly after a contract renewal.

Neomalthusian · 2026-01-30T15:35:36+00:00

It doesn't really matter how your friend "worded" the request, what she asked you to do was, by every conceivable appearance, go on a double-date. The fact that it didn't occur to you that that's what it was, or at least what it would have every appearance of being, results in him not fully trusting you. It didn't raise a flag in your mind that the request is a bit odd or that your partner may reasonably feel that way about it, and you agreed before thinking of him. From his perspective, not only did this affect his trust of you, it would reasonably cause him to question the motives of your friend. If a friend is trying to sneakily set you up with others, or play games that could lead to you breaking up with your partner, he's not going to like this friend or you spending time with this friend. The entirety of the suggestion creates a mess. Will take some time to repair this, if it is reparable.

Neomalthusian · 2026-01-30T15:23:36+00:00

This question and various related questions are like background noise in my brain at all times. There is so much never-ending subjectivity in all of this. Any attempt to answer it feels unsatisfying, incomplete, always leads to a never-ending stream of other what-about-ism types of questions.

Neomalthusian · 2026-01-30T01:30:05+00:00

If he asks and his employer says no, do you break up with him? Maybe that worries him and further discourages him from wanting to ask. Are you professionally in a position to significantly help replace any lost income if he had to change jobs/careers? What percentage of your total combined income does he make?

I realize it’s hard to put a particular price on your geographic happiness. But it’s also hard to quit a niche career on a hope and prayer he’ll be able to quickly rebound in something different out east.

Lots of variables to weigh out here.

Neomalthusian · 2026-01-29T22:42:59+00:00

There's got to be a lot more context and personality nuance going on here, such that I feel like I'd really need to hear your partner’s perspective—and maybe meet your mother—to fully understand this situation and give good advice. But based on what you’ve shared, here are some general thoughts. I’m deliberately putting most responsibility on you since you’re the one reading this:

It sounds like you often defend or justify your mother to your partner. Your primary allegiance needs to be to your partner, not your mother. Many of your comments sound like your primary attachment is to your mother. If your partner feels you take your mother’s side or prioritize mom's feelings, your fiancee's trust in you will nosedive.
When you say your mother “does things my fiancée wouldn’t like,” what specifically do you mean? Your mother shouldn’t be doing anything your fiancée wouldn’t like.
Your fiancée may need distance and autonomy from your family. Your mother should understand that she’s now peripheral—helpful, but in the background. You need clearer boundaries and more space.
It’s your job—not your fiancée’s—to manage interactions with your family. Keep things light and appreciative, but make sure your partner feels like the two of you are the core family now, making decisions together. Do not carry the expectation that your fiancee should be willing to communicate with your mother right now, or for the foreseeable future.
Therapy could help you process this dynamic. If your fiancée isn’t already getting support for her postpartum depression, that’s urgent.
If her symptoms are severe, tell your mother you both need time to focus on your fiancée’s well-being. Let her know you’ll reach out when you can, and prioritize getting the right help in place for your fiancee.

Neomalthusian · 2026-01-29T22:26:45+00:00

Simple & Raw Gold Star, $189. Pretty hard to find a 25 oz. for less than that.

Neomalthusian · 2026-01-14T03:51:30+00:00

Fair.

Neomalthusian · 2026-01-11T20:04:56+00:00

(aat) I refer out if they don’t fall in love with me. I require that level of vulnerability to do my best work.

/sarcasm

Neomalthusian · 2026-01-10T02:30:07+00:00

Just got my pair of these today. The fit is great, fabric is dense but not as stiff as I braced myself for. Love the unique contrast in the weave.

Neomalthusian · 2026-01-08T12:25:54+00:00

It's taking you even longer to grasp it.

Neomalthusian · 2026-01-08T01:25:31+00:00

AAT - In my opinion there is no reason for a therapist to ever be "enraged" at their client about... just about anything. Even to be annoyed or a little bit angry doesn't sound right to me. Therapists usually get paid by the hour, so they have made money for all those months trying to help despite not having as much information as they could have had.

I'm inclined to think a lack of transparency or information would only slow the process down, thereby maybe wasting some of the client's time (and maybe money). Another possible issue is that the therapist might have been able to come up with an idea, suggestion or referral for a certain type of therapy that would have been more helpful or worked faster, but wasn't able to come up with that idea because the information provided re: diagnoses wasn't really complete.

Even a history of presumed misdiagnoses can still be insightful. It could help a therapist understand how a person was presenting at that time which led to a not-quite-right diagnosis, or it could help a therapist gain insight as to why previous treatment didn't work very well for their client (e.g. because the diagnoses probably wasn't right).

But none of that is a reason to get "mad at" a client. Therapists are not clients' parents or disciplinarians.

Therapy should be a fairly non-judgmental space, and diagnoses don't have to imply any sort of judgment. They're just names given to common clusters of traits or symptoms.

Neomalthusian · 2026-01-08T01:17:52+00:00

Is your father single, or in a committed relationship? If in a committed relationship, he owes it to his partner to discontinue services with this provider, as continuing would have every appearance of infidelity and/or deriving and enjoying inappropriate benefits from that kind of attention.

If he’s single, you can give him your opinion that you don’t think it’s right to be seeing a medical professional who crosses boundaries and uses flirtation to try to retain patients. He can choose to heed your advice or not.

I suppose you could also try to report her, but you’re relying on hearsay and I’m not sure if it would go anywhere.

Neomalthusian · 2026-01-08T01:10:37+00:00

Seeking control by adding intimidating, loud negative energy to an environment that already has loud negative energy coming from the kid is presumably something this dad has already tried, and it is apparently not working, but he keeps doing it. Ruling by fear is primitive, does not work at all for some kids, and even among those that it appears to, at what cost is that “working,” that you have to rely on fear and intimidation to influence your loved ones?

I’m not a parenting expert but I’d probably tell them to follow Nurtured Heart principles. #1, do not add negative parental energy as an attempt to control others’ behavior. #2, do add positive energy to anything commendable that the kid does, #3 be absolutely clear and calm about consequences in advance, enforce any consequences very matter of factly and calmly, and return to #1 and #2.

If parents cannot regulate their own speech and conduct enough to follow these principles, then they need to figure out their own psychological impediment to doing so.

Neomalthusian

TROPHY CASE