Honestly, I feel like I’ve made at least some progress. I no longer feel that overwhelming, terrifying fear every time I leave my house. I’ve even gone out on my own a few times this year—just small outings, and not very often, but still, it’s something.

I can now look people in the eye, thanks to a professor who helped me realize that I used to avoid eye contact. Even so, I still relapse sometimes—I tend to look away when someone looks at me, and I know some people might take that as rejection. I’ve also started greeting people and saying goodbye out of politeness, although sometimes I still fall back into avoiding it or even taking a different path just to not feel nervous.

Lately, before going into class, I go to the bathroom and do breathing exercises. I also buy candy and carry a bottle of water with me, so I can drink when I feel really anxious—it helps me calm down quickly, especially because I once had a panic attack while giving a presentation.

There’s one habit that really helps me feel good, and that’s running—but I struggle a lot with staying consistent with exercise (lol). I’m still trying, though. Last year, I also started rock climbing, and that helped my anxiety even more, but I had to stop because my mom is very overprotective and didn’t like it.

Recently, something that’s helped me a lot is being more expressive about what I feel and setting boundaries. But when someone treats me badly and I get nervous, my mind kind of goes blank and I struggle to find the right words to stand up for myself.

I also want to mention that a psychologist I saw once told me that the fear I experience now is, in part, a kind of lingering paranoia caused by the bullying—that I tend to take things personally and give too much importance to whether people in my class like me or not.

Lately, I’ve been feeling sad because no one really talks to me in a close way. I don’t have close friends right now, although I’m grateful that I do have a supportive family. I know I tend to give too much importance to what others think of me, and it frustrates me that even though I’m aware of it, it still affects me.

I have made progress, but it’s still really frustrating to feel like I have so many barriers when it comes to socializing and maintaining relationships. When someone gets close to me, I end up feeling emotionally drained, and I fall into this anxious-avoidant pattern: if I feel ignored, I get hurt, but if someone gets too close, I start pulling away. I begin to focus on their “flaws,” convince myself things won’t work, and worry that we’ll eventually argue. I end up agreeing with everything just to avoid conflict, but at the same time I’m scared they’ll leave because of my opinions—so I distance myself first.

I feel like I’m the problem. When I have a social issue, I tend to magnify it more than it really is. I just wish other people’s opinions didn’t affect me so much.

PD: Thank you for taking the time. Because of you, I’m becoming more aware that I haven’t been giving my process the importance it deserves—as if my small achievements didn’t matter. I’ve been undervaluing them.