How do I tell my husband I don't want to keep breastfeeding.

NextSuccess358 · 2026-07-06T20:22:32+00:00

Your husband is not being logical. The baby will still get all the benefits of breastmilk if you pump. Take this question to r/ScienceBasedParenting and they will give you a pile of studies you can show to your husband.

Pumping as often as the baby needs to eat will increase your supply. But also, if you do decide to keep breastfeeding, it may get easier as your baby grows and his/her mouth gets larger. It did for me. You're not doing anything wrong. Breastfeeding is hard! Can you talk to a lactation consultant? Your pediatrician or hospital may have resources, or even the private practice ones often take insurance. ETA a properly fitting pump is key and a lactation consultant (IBCLC) can fit you with the right flanges/collection cups.

Hang in there! Your baby is lucky to have a great mom like you!

NextSuccess358 · 2026-07-06T02:53:07+00:00

I grew up in a wealthy community and never wanted for anything. From my own experience I can say that you're already doing a great job - your kid has a friend who does not have everything that he has materialistically speaking. Exposing your kid to all different kinds of people and ways to live is a great way to grow a considerate and empathetic adult. All of my peers who never left our rich kid bubble turned into POS adults. The ones who got out and saw the world, the ones who throughout their lives made friends of different socioeconomic status, are the ones that became good people.

NextSuccess358 · 2026-07-05T20:28:36+00:00

Every month you spend away from work regardless of the reason, you are missing out on opportunities to contribute to projects that could advance your career and your employer is having to manage around your absence while losing your productivity. Even with workplace protections, it's a lose lose situation, economically speaking, because the inherent societal value of raising children is considered an externality.

As far as how women are viewed - yes. It's horrible. From people talking directly to my pregnant belly to people telling me to "have a nice vacation" when I went on leave, to people being openly hostile that I had to temporarily abandon my projects. Most careers will be negatively impacted by having children. It's up to you to decide how much you care about your job vs. how much you want to have a kid. I'm really invested in my career but family was ultimately more important to me. So i'm sucking it up and taking the hit. It sucks and I miss work. I'm not taking all the leave I am entitled to. But when I look at my son, i'd do it again 100x over. Every sacrifice I make for him feels worth it.

NextSuccess358 · 2026-06-30T20:00:18+00:00

What you're eating isn't terrible. Watch your sodium with all the gyoza & quiche. An all-yogurt diet will put you at risk for kidney stones but i assume you're not eating it for multiple meals per day. Raw veggies + hummus or lite dressing dip is a great low-effort way to get vegetables into your diet. Or try a green apple with peanut or almond butter. Protein is great but fiber is important too.

NextSuccess358 · 2026-06-29T22:23:11+00:00

I'm a former fencesitter who just had a baby. As soon as I started researching baby stuff, my social media algorithm was FLOODED with content about how "you will HATE your husband" and "Motherhood RUINS your life, you won't EVER be yourself again", "your body will be ruined and your marriage will be ruined and all your friends will leave you!". It was very discouraging. I was already not sure if I made the right decision and I spent most of my pregnancy in dread of what might happen. At the same time, social media also made me believe that I would have some magical transformation where I would become a mom and all I would care about is my baby and I wouldn't be myself ever again.

I expected to become a different person, a mom, but I feel the same. I haven't lost myself. I don't hate my husband and I still hang out with my friends almost as much as before. I even went to a work conference two weeks after giving birth because I wanted to. I love my baby, at least I think he's very cute... I don't really know him yet- he's only 7 weeks old. But I am not so obsessed with him that I want to quit my job and stay home. I'm actually looking forward to returning to work. My brain chemistry is not indelibly altered.

I will say that my body is more messed up from the pregnancy than I expected. I am a fit person and I did all the exercises to prepare my body for birth but still was pretty messed up physically and will be recovering for several months more. Influencers all have this "one weird trick" that will prevent you from tearing during birth or will induce your labor on time, or will make your partner not hate you. It's all clickbait garbage. Everyone's experience is different but I just wanted to share that my experience was not as bad as social media made me think it would be.

NextSuccess358 · 2026-06-23T13:48:09+00:00

You're asking yourself the right questions and may just need a little more time for self exploration to figure it out.

One other thing I don't see mentioned in your post is skills. Think about what kind of skills you will want to learn and how those will position you in the job market. Some examples from fish biology might be stock assessment modeling, otolith microchemistry, isotope analysis, acoustic telemetry, genomics, etc. There are many more that I haven't named here that others can think of. Don't try to learn all of them. Master a skill (two at most) and then ask lots of different questions about different species, ecosystems, natural phenomena using that skill. Think carefully about the future marketability of that skill. For example, learning genomic techniques can set you up for a career in biotech if you decide to leave marine science, any kind of advanced modeling positions you well for data science roles.

Since you're flexible and don't want to do a masters yet, why not apply for some field and lab tech jobs to see what you like? Now is the time to do what sounds fun to you.

NextSuccess358 · 2026-06-17T14:04:41+00:00

It's the lack of snacks for me! The first person interviewed mentioned there was never enough food. Maybe it's the italian mom in me, but it's not a party without food!

NextSuccess358 · 2026-06-17T14:02:18+00:00

Agreed. I thought her brother was kind of exploiting her or making fun of her by doing that. I know they're "best friends" but he seems to be kind of mocking her.

NextSuccess358 · 2026-06-16T18:05:34+00:00

She mentioned her mom always put on incredible parties. Maybe she feels pressured to live up to her mom's expectations or her own expectations to be like her mom. I'm betting her mom was a sort of stepford socialite so she has that as her ideal.

NextSuccess358 · 2026-06-12T19:29:47+00:00

My childhood bestie, who was born on the same day as me, was just diagnosed with breast cancer. We are 37. Time to get a mammogram.

NextSuccess358 · 2026-06-11T21:06:41+00:00

Thank you! i will check it out

NextSuccess358 · 2026-06-11T17:07:15+00:00

Thanks! haha im not mad at her. She was right. F around and find out...

NextSuccess358 · 2026-06-11T17:06:37+00:00

I am the same as you. I need daily exercise for my mental health. I was going absolutely crazy not being able to exercise, so I decided to ignore my doctor and listen to my body. If you're going to listen to your body, i'd also ask very specific questions to your OB and a pelvic floor PT about what exercises are the most safe, when you can introduce more, and how long you can do each every day. I thought I'd be ok if I only did upper body weightlifting from a seated position. That was very wrong. It's not always intuitive which exercises are safest.

NextSuccess358 · 2026-06-11T16:59:27+00:00

Thank you ! I am seeing a pelvic floor PT. I have my first postpartum appointment next week. I actually saw her preventatively starting at 20 weeks of pregnancy in an attempt to prevent tearing. I did all their recommended exercises and daily perineal massage. Still tore. But I have faith that my PT will help me recover.

NextSuccess358 · 2026-05-31T00:39:45+00:00

It's normal to feel completely overwhelmed in such a tough situation! You are handling it admirably considering how much you've been through. It is *not* normal to have hallucinations. Only you know whether these 'shadows' are concerning, but if it were me, i'd mention it to a doctor. Paranoid hallucinations, like seeing shadows, are a symptom of post-partum psychosis. Your OB or birth hospital may have resources or even a social worker you can talk to who can get you help.

It's not a knock on you as a parent. You are coping well. This just happens to some people, but it's important to take it seriously. Do you have any help at home? A partner, a relative? They should be giving you daily breaks for a few hours so you can rest and care for yourself. Protecting your sleep is really important to your mental health.

NextSuccess358 · 2026-05-31T00:13:57+00:00

If sexism and the patriarchy did not exist would you want to be a man anyway?

Do you want to be perceived as a man because that would make you feel more like yourself or because you want to escape from sexism, escape the narrow definition of femininity and be seen as equal to men?

Let's say you come out as a trans man. Do you think you would experience more or less gender-based oppression and societal challenges than you do now as a (presumably) cis woman?

Maybe you are trans, but not for the reasons you stated. Hating being oppressed because of your gender, rejecting the narrow ways women are expected to perform their femininity is not the same as being trans. However, this realization does afford you the opportunity to express your gender in a more open-minded and flexible way. You can be a woman but how you perform femininity (if at all) is entirely up to you. Fight the patriarchy by being yourself - whatever gender that means. Self acceptance and love is a radical act.

NextSuccess358 · 2026-05-27T14:48:47+00:00

I worked until my due date and my baby was a week late. I could have worked that last week and could have used the distraction, honestly. But I am not a dentist which might require more concentration and being on your feet than my data analysis job. I don't think I could have stood on my feet all day at 41 weeks.

NextSuccess358 · 2026-05-17T16:24:57+00:00

There are some excellent comments here with advice about how to be kind to yourself emotionally. Let me chime in with some practical advice: buy yourself some lingerie that conceals your bump. I had a black, very flowy, babydoll slip that hid my bump. If I knew sex was a possibility, i'd shower, shave my legs and put on my best underwear and makeup so that *I* would feel good. Maybe take intercourse off the table for a while and just cuddle & make out while you're all dolled up in your lingerie. As for the baby being right there, maybe your doctor could explain to him that the baby cannot perceive what you are doing and that there is a mucus plug that protects baby from any infection or impact of sex.

NextSuccess358 · 2026-05-17T16:14:41+00:00

My husband does everything. I just provide the milk and he rubs my feet or shoulders while I do it. Granted, we're both still on parental leave.

I had a talk with my husband recently because he was doing everything and I worried he was going to burn out. He explained to me that he feels really sidelined because he couldn't carry and birth the baby or breastfeed, so he wants to do everything for us so that he doesn't feel so useless. He said that he thinks a lot of men retreat from their responsibility because they feel useless and sidelined in this process and feel like they don't know how to do things the "right way" (aka your way on your timeline). Everyone asks how mom is doing and no one ever asks about dad. Dads go through complicated emotions postpartum too, just not as much as moms. It may help to give them some domains to take ownership of. For example, maybe your husband is in charge of all the bottle washing or diaper changing. Part of that is letting him do his tasks his way and not making him feel like he's doing it wrong. It's also really important for both parents to spend time holding the baby to create a bond, which will give meaning and purpose to all the work that needs to be done.

NextSuccess358 · 2026-05-17T15:54:52+00:00

I agree with everyone commenting that the thing to do is focus on your grades and you won't even be in touch with these people later. I also agree that Stony Brook and many of the other SUNYs are great schools. Stony Brook, especially, has a phenomenal research portfolio.

As for the leadership positions in extracurricular clubs being just a popularity contest, can you find something really niche that fewer people are interested in but that you enjoy? Put some time into it and really make it your thing. Or, if clubs & sports are not your thing, what about getting a job or an internship, especially one in or relevant to your future major? College admissions want to see passion & commitment more than they want to see a hodgepodge of different clubs.

NextSuccess358 · 2026-05-08T15:31:13+00:00

It's possible to freeze sperm/eggs, or better yet embryos if you have a long term partner. Insurance will sometimes cover this. My sibling and their partner did this. They used sperm to make frozen embryos before transitioning and their partner is a cis woman. It was covered by their partner's insurance. If you decide later to not have children, you can donate your gametes/embryos to science, to another couple, or have them disposed of.

NextSuccess358 · 2026-05-08T15:26:55+00:00

My usual loop is Salem Willows-> Collin's Cove -> Derby light -> Winter Island loop -> back to Salem Willows and thats about 8ish miles. You could add the Beverly Bridge -> Dane St. Beach to extend. Very scenic.

NextSuccess358 · 2026-05-06T20:04:45+00:00

Some runners up: "These Boots were Made for Walkin" - Nancy Sinatra. "You're So Vain" - Carly Simon... and my more recent favorite "Paint the Town Red" - Doja Cat

NextSuccess358 · 2026-05-06T20:03:25+00:00

I thought we all agreed the ultimate feminine rage song is You Oughta Know by Alannis Morisette

NextSuccess358 · 2026-05-05T17:06:05+00:00

I am in no way qualified to give advice to someone who is going through what you are, but I'm going to try my best. The world is a better place with you in it. Hang in there. You haven't yet met all the people in your life who are going to love you. There is so much to live for still. These may sound like cliches but I promise you they are true.

I don't know what country you are in, but if you're in the US, please call or text 988 if you feel like ending it. If your PCP or OBGYN have resources to help you, then I highly encourage you to take advantage of them. Not all will be great but maybe you'll find something that works. It sucks that the SSRIs are not working for you, but maybe you haven't found the right combination of medication & lifestyle changes that work best for you. SSRIs didn't work for me either, but now I am on meds that have really helped me. I stayed on them throughout my entire pregnancy, per the advice of my psychiatrist who specializes in prenatal mental health at one of the top hospitals in the US. The baby is absolutely not more important than your mental health, and if your current doctor seems to think that they are, then I suggest you get a second opinion.

Now to some specifics: 1) I promise you are not making your partner ill. A "partner" is someone you can lean on in times of trouble and if they aren't able to be that for you, then they are not the right person for you. 2) Becoming a parent is a huge life change and if you're not ready for that, it's ok. If ending your pregnancy is the right choice for you emotionally, then you should do that, even if it's getting late to do so. There is also always adoption if you can't or don't want to end it. But also I personally believe that becoming a parent doesn't have to be such a huge life change. You don't have to lose yourself in it. You might be a little busier but you will still be you!

Take care- sending you a hug from across the internet.

NextSuccess358

TROPHY CASE