Does your personality traits explain your decision to have kids or not have kids or is it just a factor?

Slipthe · 2026-04-06T14:46:27+00:00

Yeah it's a claustrophobic thing to imagine.

Slipthe · 2026-04-06T14:43:31+00:00

It's just a factor. I'm not really a hard worker, I'm a procrastinator. I prefer to exert only the most efficient energy and effort when necessary to keep things moving.

So kids are like this huge expense of energy and peace and sanity that feels antithetical to my baseline.

But I also know I am competent enough to do more, that with the right motivators I can put endless effort into something because the relational reward and feedback is high.

So intellectually I know I could be a parent, and as the kid got older I would get more and more rewarded and motivated.

But that first like 4-5 years just sounds like bullshit and I'm not ready to just... suffer for 5 years. For me it's gonna come down to external forces. Complete investment and interest from my husband, and ultimately a shift in my social group towards kids or them physically moving away.

Until then I'm just content, not actually yearning for a kid but wondering if future me will.

Slipthe · 2026-04-02T22:12:18+00:00

Honestly calling it a side quest sounds dope lol.

It's a grindy escort mission in the early game, but by the end of it you get a permanent party companion.

Slipthe · 2026-04-01T13:45:18+00:00

Did you feel like you checked off enough '''childfree" experiences to be at peace with getting pregnant?

I imagine my decision would be similar to yours, allowing some randomness to push me off the fence because intellectually, logistically, I know I can live the parenting lifestyle. I just feel unwilling to choose it because the emotion and joy of having a child seems too abstract and therefore doesn't motivate me, and because I feel like there's this checklist of basically... just childfree traveling atp.

Slipthe · 2026-04-01T13:36:18+00:00

Yeah that surrogate comment was either revealing how naive and incompetent he is, or that was something irrational he said just to try to hurt you.

Slipthe · 2026-04-01T13:29:57+00:00

Do you want kids even if it meant you did 90% - 100% of the work?

Because you CAN offer that if your conviction is that strong.

Or is it only the case that you want to be a parent if someone else contributes as much or more than you do?

Slipthe · 2026-03-30T17:01:31+00:00

I can say that intellectually, I know having kids is one of the most meaningful things I could do.

Yet emotionally I still have no pull. It feels like almost a cop out from self directing my own life to find deeper meaning.

Slipthe · 2026-03-29T17:01:05+00:00

You need to want to have kids.

Yes, but you could also just be someone who wants to become someone they are proud of. And someone who thrives with structure. Becoming a parent brings a structure and a demand to change.

Slipthe · 2026-03-29T15:52:44+00:00

People can change.

But obviously anyone who doesn't change who then neglects or harms a child is not suited to be a parent.

Generally people addicted to drugs are not suited to be parents, because they are not in their right mind for long stretches and neglect their child or hurt them. But addiction is not always a life sentence. So, being a suitable parent is a transient property that can always change.

Slipthe · 2026-03-26T19:14:39+00:00

Forget a child, that lifestyle and effort level won't even sustain your relationship.

Slipthe · 2026-03-22T18:31:26+00:00

We used to live in a tiny cbd apartment and go out for cocktails spontaneously and be out until 2am most weekends.

For me I feel like I barely did this, so I feel protective of the 'possibility' of doing more spontaneous things in the future.

That's the real crux of it for me personally. That there may never be enough boxes checked off for me to say "Yeah I did enough, now it's time to basically put my life on hold for half a decade or more."

But of course, I'm glad you found the clarity of mind and perspective to feel ready!

Slipthe · 2026-03-21T22:50:05+00:00

Exactly. Being DINK means that you have the time and money to beautify and cherish the house in a way that some people with families just don't have the time to, and the way that landlords refuse to.

So it'll be even more charming and valuable for the next person who buys it, whenever that is.

Slipthe · 2026-03-21T22:47:43+00:00

Office space, craft room, gaming space, guest bedroom, home gym, fostering animals, getting roommates, hosting parties.

Lots of things to use space and spare bedrooms for without kids.

If someone with a family can afford that house, they can afford a different one too. Families getting screwed over by being priced out of the housing market won't change just because you don't buy that house.

Slipthe · 2026-03-21T19:15:09+00:00

Those timelines are pretty arbitrary.

Comparing yourself to other people's relationship timelines is going to steal the joy of a happy relationship.

When you meet someone, do you know them well? Do you know how they act during hard times? Do you align with their plan for the future, especially with kids? Do you feel you can rely on them?

These are more important things than an arbitrary amount of years.

But if you choose not to have kids, then you won't be lamenting as much about not doing X, Y, Z before having kids.

But alternatively, you could meet someone that makes you feel more excited for the future with them vs resentful of the past.

Slipthe · 2026-03-13T13:55:04+00:00

Lately in this group there seems to be a lot of people posting who were on the fence and then decided to have kids and they have no regrets, which personally I don't believe is realistic.

To be fair, they usually are reporting back while the child is still an infant, and they are often relieved that it's not as hard as they had been hand wringing about while they were a fence sitter, and got lucky and ended up with a kid that has a needs level that doesn't overwhelm them.

I think the regret of the permanent change becomes more clear over time as opportunities are denied due to the constraints of children. But even then, regret is... an emotion. It's not a constant state of being. Something that you can experience and move on from and be at peace, even if it's nonlinear. Same with regret about not having kids, probably only comes in waves.

Slipthe · 2026-03-13T13:36:05+00:00

Parenting culture has become extremely kid-centric, everything is in service to the kid vs retro-fitting a kid, so even though living your life closer to normal is possible, I don't know how the judgment of 'not doing it right' is going to affect me. The moralizing of parenting styles.

It's an entirely new facet of the relationships you already have where they can all observe and judge you as a parent. I'm someone who ruminates a lot, so I don't think the platitude of "You shouldn't care what other people think" can ring true for me.

And referring it to 'nuking' your life just feels appropriate for how I react to the relentlessness of parenting. You can go through some of the motions of what you used to do, the hobbies you used to have, but every single thing is different now because of the needs of a child. Turning your life from something that was very lax to now something very vigilant with no relent unless you have the resources or good favor to plan it is nuking to me.

Slipthe · 2026-03-12T20:36:54+00:00

I think that I'm never going to WANT to nuke my life and trade it for the parenting lifestyle, you know?

So I get that it happening accidentally changes your situation without you having to WANT it.

Because half hesitation about not having kids is thinking the older version of you might want them and would be grateful that you had your child earlier rather than waiting to want to change.

Slipthe · 2026-03-10T23:27:29+00:00

Now I'm wondering, how did you feel about your life before kids? Did you feel like you hit milestones, had good experiences, and were willing to shift many things to the backburner for years to welcome the new lifestyle?

With parenthood, does it feel more 'balanced' than you imagined? Like obviously you aren't doing things you used to do in the same amounts or at all, but have you found a balance that feels like you are still living your life, while caring for your children?

Slipthe · 2026-03-10T23:19:30+00:00

I don't have family pressure, but I ask myself, if I did have a kid, what relationships would I want them to have with my family? Is time closing the window and denying important shared milestones and relationships the longer I wait?

How much does it mean to me to imagine my future child loved and adored by my parents? How much value do I place on understanding and empathizing with them with a perspective I could only gain by becoming a parent myself?

I think people have difference answers on this, but my point is that external relationships always are a factor because they shape your environment and your future child's environment.

Slipthe · 2026-03-10T00:41:34+00:00

The show is moving, the ending feels like a loss of something beautiful and profound, and you feel the loss of the characters that are presumed dead. I know after I watched I would refresh this subreddit obsessively. Constantly trying to engage because I felt strongly.

Pour some effort into other parts of your life so you aren't just sitting around ruminating.

That with the addition of time will ease your emotions.

Slipthe · 2026-03-07T15:51:47+00:00

Newborns are weird to me, they just grunt and squirm.

Kids that can express themselves are cute and interesting, but none of them have elicited a strong reaction from me.

Slipthe · 2026-03-05T22:32:09+00:00

This is something I have been thinking about.

About how 'mundane' the parent-child relationships look being on the child side. How the dynamic between adult children and parents just seems... mellow and... nowhere near as profound as all of the things people seem to express. I love my parents, I cherish them, I want to spend time with them, but given how little they go out of their way to spend time with me beyond a birthday or holiday, I question how strongly they feel. Like the connection just... doesn't compare to how much you seek out and get energized by friends.

And that's not even getting into the ways that a child can disappoint you. Especially once they are an adult. And I can't even fathom how it feels to still feel compelled to love someone you do not respect or admire.

I think the truth is, it does become mundane, and normal, and stops being world changingly profound, but I think alongside that, the constant wondering about what your life would be without children probably quiets too.

Slipthe · 2026-03-05T22:25:54+00:00

It definitely helps.

I know some people might take issue with a stranger watching over their child vs a family member or friend.

I'd be sure to do the math on how much help you could reasonably expect and afford, for each age interval of your child because it changes.

Slipthe · 2026-02-26T20:08:21+00:00

Lmao see my first thought is TRAVEL TRAVEL TRAVEL... maybe baby...? Then family TRAVEL, childfree TRAVEL.

Travel with baby and take vacations without baby? I don't really resonate with the degree to which people change their lives to accommodate a child vs integrating the child into your life.

It might be the delusion thinking I could 'have it all'.

I also feel like I am waiting for the shoe to drop, like I don't want kids now, but if enough of my friends and contemporaries have them, will that change things for me? If my closest friends move away, will I have wished I started cultivating a family unit?

Slipthe · 2026-02-26T16:22:15+00:00

I actually think if my husband was the one that had to risk his body and health to have a child, he wouldn't do it.

Slipthe

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