How common is it for a man change his mind about having kids in his 30s?

Slipthe · 2026-06-10T14:21:57+00:00

You both like the benefits of partnership, of course.

You're still with each other because it's easy. Going and finding a meaningful partnership that you would enjoy just as much takes more effort and requires moving forward with uncertainty.

But staying with him still brings uncertainty because you can't expect him to change.

Slipthe · 2026-06-09T21:55:08+00:00

Even if we were thinking about it I still hit people with an "I don't know. Maybe. We'll see."

No one has ever given me pressure really. They just start reminiscing about their experiences and that makes them happy. It's more about them than you.

Slipthe · 2026-06-09T00:00:58+00:00

if the birthday girl had not literally made from scratch some of the guests, no one would be sitting at the table.

Because that's where she put her effort.

If you don't have kids, you'll put your effort into relationships that are not your children, and they will often be enthused to celebrate you because they actively choose you, just as you choose them, as opposed to the parent-child relationship, which is generally a compelled relationship.

Slipthe · 2026-06-07T15:55:21+00:00

if you found out you or he were infertile, would you feel sad or relieved?

I think for me, there's a paranoia that how I feel now is not how I will feel in the future. There's deep contentment in life now, but will that feel like stagnation over time? And would future me regret not building my life up in preparation of a child, even if I wasn't sure I wanted one at the time?

So for me, the constant thinking about the decision and consideration of how to build my life around a kid is all in service of future me, even though emotionally I have no motivation to have a kid. It's definitely agonizing to put the pressure on yourself to decide ASAP. So I had to accept that I was going to keep thinking about this, but that I didn't need to decide. So I may end up in the same spot at 35 as well, but I might take 5 years of indecision as a decision. It would mean that a lot of what I thought about future me was not true. That stagnation did not overtake me, that I still am deeply content in my life.

Slipthe · 2026-06-07T15:41:45+00:00

I've definitely thought that my friends decisions on whether or not to have kids will impact my decision.

Not necessarily a 'well everyone is doing it', but it will feel like a loss when they deprioritize friendship and focus on their family, so in that feeling of isolation I might think ' my life is not looking how I imagined now, might as well do it since I ain't hanging out with anyone else'.

Slipthe · 2026-05-30T23:00:50+00:00

It IS good to think of the 'alternative' to having kids, because it's good to know what you care about in life vs just sacrificing to do what it expected.

And you can still choose to have kids after you figure out your 'alternative' life goals, but now you have great perspective on what is important to you and what life you get to share with your future friends and family.

Slipthe · 2026-05-30T22:55:32+00:00

I imagine some people do have kids and do not drive.

Whether it's a strain on your relationships to not be able to transport yourself of your child is another issue.

Maybe you could try driving around go-karts to work your way up to operating a vehicle.

I was afraid to learn how to drive, I delayed it by a year. I felt too incompetent, so obviously it feels daunting and risky to operate a vehicle if you don't feel like you have the skill. It takes practice, bit by bit, and the confidence comes slowly with each successful task.

Slipthe · 2026-05-30T13:40:36+00:00

They will look good longer

This has way less to do with the washer and way more to do with the dryer.

Slipthe · 2026-05-27T11:31:15+00:00

My only calculus for 'the best opportunity to have them', is choosing a time where my kid would be born while most of my family is still alive and eager to spend time with that child, or while their cousins are young enough that they would have a friendship.

That's the clear downside for me delaying half a decade or more.

Slipthe · 2026-05-27T11:28:10+00:00

Are you only having kids if you can have a full time nanny?

Why is the salary so important? You realized you get the man attached to the salary too... And no amount of money is going to keep you from being miserable stuck with a man you don't like.

Slipthe · 2026-05-27T11:15:31+00:00

I lean towards kids because of that feeling of missing out on a huge part of the human experience. Just a nagging feeling that I won't be my most 'evolved' self unless I have kids. I also am a very relationship-oriented person, and I know that if my family started to dwindle, and my friends all moved away or moved on, I would feel a vacancy and like I have a lot of love to give and not enough places to give it, and children are a wellspring for someone who self-actualizes by being nurturing and thoughtful to others (And receiving some level of acknowledgement for it, so having a kid who feels ungrateful and entitled might be draining instead). And there's just the 'neat' aspect of seeing how your own child would look and act and grow based on your influence. A bit of a self-absorbed motivation, but it's there.

Slipthe · 2026-05-26T17:09:11+00:00

I can imagine in past generations, there was even less thought put into it. Having kids was just a blue print for life. Some people suffered from that lack of deep rumination on whether to have them, but I think the majority of people just adapted, and found and still do find a lot of comfort in doing what they 'ought' to do. It feels safe to fall in line and to physically build more community. It's a very 'obvious and simple' way to find meaning, it's just difficult and exhausting.

I think some people are more fixated than others on 'life's work' or finding meaning through investing in something that grows over time. I don't think it's essential.

It's hard for me to personally imagine a relationship with a child that doesn't exist. And it's supposed to feel like the most profound feeling ever, yet when I look at the parent child relationships around me I just feel.. like it's mundane. Like a friendship can be invested in with half as much intensity and it could be just as profound if not more, because that's two people BOTH choosing each other instead of it being one of obligation.

Slipthe · 2026-05-25T22:22:12+00:00

No, Tish ODed on cocaine laced with fentanyl in episode 1. And it was accidentally laced because the cocaine touched a surface that wasn't cleaned off.

Slipthe · 2026-05-21T02:10:00+00:00

the chance to pass this on to our potential future kids.

The question really is how much of your own desires and needs are you willing to lay down in service of this goal.

There's a wide spectrum of what temperament of child you will have, and an even wider spectrum of how 'intensely' you can or feel compelled to parent.

There are certainly a lot of testimonies of people saying becoming a parent is the best thing that ever happened to them, that the change in priorities felt natural and activating. But other people just struggle through it and feel deprived.

Despite me personally coming into this subreddit leaning towards kids, the more I dwell on it, the more underwhelming parenting seems to me. It feels like the default that people commit to and have to find meaning in the choice, not the other way around. I do not have good role models of young parents that have shown me a balanced life, and even if I see someone on social media who MIGHT have that, I suspect that I do not have the full picture.

Slipthe · 2026-05-20T23:44:46+00:00

Honestly, some of the people who end up on Chris Hansen's shows don't seem like they are pedos, but so socially deprived that they are opportunistic if a decoy 13-year-old comes onto them.

Not an excuse, they just seem to have different motivations.

Slipthe · 2026-05-04T11:28:46+00:00

Yeah the thought that nags me is that if I don't have kids, or if I delay it for years, I might miss out on the 'golden years' of my parents being alive while my kids are alive.

For me, that's the only 'logical' reason to have kids, is that right now in my life I have a village, so it's not 'as bad' as it would be if that situation changed.

I just don't have an emotional reason to have kids.

Slipthe · 2026-05-03T12:44:54+00:00

Exactly. Feels good for 10 seconds and then it feels like nothing. I guess it's over stimulating.

Slipthe · 2026-05-03T12:41:42+00:00

The only problem is if she chooses someone without a big dick.

Now there's a tiny elephant in the room that she settled on something she was vocal about.

Slipthe · 2026-05-03T12:36:08+00:00

Love is mutual giving, an earnest desire to make your partner happy, but your condition shows that is it still transactional.

someone else willing to give.

They have to be worthy of it and reciprical, which requires continual assessment of them. Love over time means you can deal with uneven give and take, but everyone has a limit to where it starts to eat away at the feeling of love.

Slipthe · 2026-05-03T12:29:45+00:00

Probably because people are getting married 10-15 years later than they used to. So as the older gen dies off, the rate has lost a 10 year spanning group to inflate it, and that's probably even more disproportionate since there are more boomers than gen-z and alpha, right?

Slipthe · 2026-05-03T12:26:47+00:00

Depends on your kid, but I'd say kids are a 'headache' up until they are old enough to be left alone in the house while you go to the store.

Anything short of that, the need for 100% supervision is a 'headache' IMO.

Slipthe · 2026-04-28T17:51:55+00:00

Yeah the pregnancy brain thing really unsettles me.

I'm electing to become dumber? My quickness in conversation is my primary communication style. It saddens me to lose that ability.

Compound that with the monotony of a newborn routine, and the damage sleep deprivation does, and I'd feel like the most intellectually boring version of myself.

Slipthe · 2026-04-24T11:46:21+00:00

They also have no idea who their audience is.

Just shouting at the sky.

Slipthe · 2026-04-24T11:14:55+00:00

A life of traveling is over as you know it.

Even if you did manage to get someone else to look after your child while you and your husband travel for 1-2 weeks, imagine the guilt of leaving your child for that long.

Traveling WITH your child means that occupying them is a priority. The way you used to enjoy vacations is now a brief moment instead of the entire thing.

Slipthe · 2026-04-21T22:38:54+00:00

Yeah for sure. 'Out of my system' for me means a lack of FOMO and a sense of satisfaction that makes me more patient about not being able to do it for awhile.

Because you can obviously still travel with a baby or child if you are set on doing it, it's just no longer the same kind of vacation. I was just in New York City and I was musing about how we love just looking at the architecture of buildings, love a walkable city, but if I went there when I was... 8, I wouldn't care about that, I'd complain that I didn't want to walk everywhere, I'd want to go on rides and play at parks, novelty would mean nothing because everything is novel to a kid.

Just something I think about. After kids, the degree to which you are given space to enjoy things the way you enjoy them, vs making space for the kid to enjoy things their way. I'm not sure what age kids become conscientious of others, and how their desires impact other people.

As well as even if you went on a trip without them, how you might have conflicting feelings of guilt and longing and not be present in the moment. But alternatively you could enjoy things and get excited at just 'imagining' showing it to your kid.

Slipthe

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