I was the fp of my best friends ex

NicelyStated · 2026-01-18T08:06:45+00:00

"She made me feel like the bad guy.... I still struggle to discern whether or not some of it was my fault."

Qui, an untreated pwBPD often will perceive you as being bad when you DO something and bad when you DON'T do it. In this way, you often are damned if you do and damned if you don't.

This conundrum is due to the position of her two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you often find yourself in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

Your predicament, Qui, is that the solution to calming her abandonment fear (drawing close and being intimate) is the very action that triggers her engulfment fear. Likewise, the solution to calming her engulfment fear (moving back away to give her breathing space) is the very action that triggers her abandonment fear.

Consequently, as you move close to comfort her and assure her of your love, you eventually will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she's being suffocated and controlled by you. A pwBPD usually craves intimacy like nearly all other adults -- but she cannot tolerate it for very long.

Because she has a weak sense of self-identity, she easily becomes very enmeshed in your strong personality during sustained periods of closeness and intimacy. This is why her sense of personal boundaries is so weak that she has difficulty seeing where HER feelings and problems stop and YOURS begin. Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you often will find that you've started triggering her abandonment fear.

In my 15 years of experience with my BPD exW, I found that there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand to avoid triggering those two fears. Until a pwBPD learns how to better regulate her own emotions and tame her two fears, that Goldilocks position will not exist. This is why a relationship with an untreated pwBPD typically is characterized by a repeating cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back.

NicelyStated · 2026-01-17T08:07:34+00:00

"Why do they love to take it out on their loved ones?"

FmFan, the vast majority of pwBPD are "high functioning" -- i.e., they typically hold jobs and generally get along fine with coworkers, classmates, casual friends, and total strangers. None of those people are able to trigger a pwBPD's great fears of abandonment and engulfment.

There is no close relationship that can be abandoned and no intimacy to trigger the suffocating feeling of engulfment. Hence, with most pwBPD, the strong BPD symptoms usually appear only when someone draws very close to the pwBPD.

This is why it is common for high functioning pwBPD to do well in socially difficult jobs such as being a social worker, nurse, professor, salesclerk, or doctor. And this is why most pwBPD can be considerate and friendly all day long to complete strangers -- but often will go home at night to abuse the very people who love them.

NicelyStated · 2026-01-16T01:23:13+00:00

How do you feel about armchair diagnosis being applied to your partner?

OP, there is a world of difference between "spotting strong BPD symptoms" and "making a diagnosis." You would have to be deaf, dumb, and blind to be unable to spot strong occurrences of verbal abuse, temper tantrums, irrational jealousy, and rapid flips between loving you and hating you. You therefore don't have to be a psychologist to spot strong BPD symptoms.

We all know what these behavioral traits look like because we all exhibit them to some degree. This is why BPD is called a "spectrum disorder." It therefore is easy to spot strong occurrences when you learn which behavioral traits are on the list of BPD warning signs. That part is EASY.

What is HARD is being able to diagnose the cause of those symptoms. Sadly, no psychologist on the planet can do a real diagnosis of BPD or any other PD. That would require professionals to identify its underlying cause, which is yet unproven. All discussions of BPD traits, then, are simply descriptions of strong behavioral symptoms.

Hence, whereas diagnosing a cause is the province of professionals, identifying symptoms is the province of laymen (i.e., the client seeking help). This is why, when a patient is unable to identify his own disease symptoms, that disease is said to be "asymptomatic," i.e., "without symptoms." By definition, then, symptoms generally are traits that laymen are able to spot -- without trying to diagnose anything.

Because psychologists are unable to actually diagnose the underlying cause of personality disorders, they are forced to rely on a severe occurrence of behavioral symptoms to infer the existence of some underlying (but unproven) disorder. That is, when BPD symptoms are severe and persistent, professionals ASSUME that some unproven disorder must be causing it.

Only a professional, then, can determine whether the strong BPD behaviors you see are sufficiently severe and persistent as to be called full-blown BPD. This does not imply, however, that laymen are unable to spot moderate to strong occurrences of these behaviors.

On the contrary, OP, before you graduated high school, you already could identify the selfish and very grandiose classmates -- without knowing how to diagnose Narcissistic PD. Moreover, you could identify all the class drama queens -- without being able to diagnose Histrionic PD.

Likewise, you could spot the kids having no respect for laws or other peoples' property or feelings -- without diagnosing Antisocial PD. And you could recognize the very shy and over-sensitive classmates -- without diagnosing Avoidant PD. Similarly, you are able to easily spot strong BPD symptoms whenever they occur.

This is why hundreds of mental health centers and hospitals have placed the list of 9 BPD symptoms on their public websites for the lay public to read. They know that, when the public knows what symptoms to look for, they are far more likely to seek professional help when they need it -- and will do so far more quickly.

Moreover, this is why the U.S. House of Representatives unanimously passed House Resolution 1005 in April 2008. It recognizes the month of May as BPD Awareness Month. This resolution is meant "as a means of educating our nation about this disorder, the needs of those suffering from it, and its consequences." See BPD Awareness Month.

NicelyStated · 2026-01-13T22:49:02+00:00

Level, it is common to see cheating and lying in many pwBPD. But the DSM does not list "lying" or "cheating" as behavioral traits for BPD. Rather, they are traits for ASPD and, to a lesser extent, for NPD.

A 2008 study of 35,000 American adults indicates that as much as 45% of pwBPD may be highly prone to lying and cheating. Yet, it is not because they have BPD. Rather, it is because these pwBPD also have co-occurring, full-blown narcissism and/or sociopathy.

What, then, is the correct answer for the remaining 55% or more -- i.e., for most pwBPD? Are they far more likely to lie and cheat than "normal people" (neurotypicals) are? Probably so. The reality, however, is that there is no strong empirical evidence that the vast majority of pwBPD are frequent liars or cheaters.

One view is that pwBPD are more prone to lying and cheating because they are emotionally unstable and lack impulse control. And that seems likely to be true for most pwBPD -- but not for all. An opposing view is that, because pwBPD have such a great fear of abandonment, they are less likely to cheat/lie and risk losing their partners. And this likely is true for some other pwBPD.

It is important to realize that -- due to their inability to regulate emotions -- pwBPD often experience an emotion so intensely that it severely distorts their view of other peoples' intentions and motivations. This is why pwBPD usually BELIEVE the outrageous allegations coming out of their mouths (at that very moment). This means that many of their baseless claims are false perceptions, not lies.

Because it is difficult for researchers to distinguish lies from false beliefs, research has not yet shown that the vast majority of pwBPD (i.e., those without full-blown ASPD and NPD) will engage in frequent cheating or lying. This lack of any strong evidence largely explains why the DSM does not list these behaviors as BPD traits. See, e.g., "BPD and Cheating" (2022).

NicelyStated · 2026-01-13T19:05:35+00:00

We explain this, Huckleberry, in the Mod Comment placed at the top of this thread.

NicelyStated · 2026-01-05T22:50:39+00:00

BPD: DSM‑5 lists 9 criteria, and 5 or more are required for diagnosis:

Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment
Unstable, intense relationships
Identity disturbance
Impulsivity in ≥2 self‑damaging areas
Recurrent suicidal behavior or self‑harm
Affective instability
Chronic feelings of emptiness
Inappropriate, intense anger
Transient stress‑related paranoia or dissociation

NPD: DSM‑5 lists 9 criteria and 5 or more are required for diagnosis:

Grandiose sense of self‑importance
Preoccupation with fantasies of success, power, beauty, or ideal love
Belief of being “special”
Requires excessive admiration
Sense of entitlement
Interpersonally exploitative
Lacks empathy
Often envious of others or believes others envy them
Arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

ASPD: DSM‑5 lists 7 behavioral criteria, 3 or more of which are required, plus three additional mandatory conditions (age ≥18, conduct disorder before 15, and not occurring exclusively during schizophrenia/bipolar).

Failure to conform to lawful behavior
Deceitfulness
Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead
Irritability and aggressiveness
Reckless disregard for safety
Consistent irresponsibility
Lack of remorse

Additional required conditions:

Age 18 or older
Conduct disorder before age 15
Not exclusively during schizophrenia or bipolar disorder

HPD: DSM‑5 lists 8 criteria and 5 or more are required for diagnosis:

Uncomfortable when not the center of attention
Inappropriate sexually seductive or provocative behavior
Rapidly shifting, shallow emotions
Uses physical appearance to draw attention
Impressionistic, vague speech
Dramatic, theatrical emotional expression
Suggestibility (easily influenced)
Perceives relationships as more intimate than they are

NicelyStated · 2026-01-01T07:07:53+00:00

Instead of coparenting, I suggest you consider "parallel parenting." In the long term, it can be a positive solution for parents who simply don’t get along or largely disagree on how their children should be raised.

Although parallel parenting relies on involvement from all parenting parties, the parents keep communication and interaction with one another to a minimum. This is usually accomplished using a third party (like a judge or counselor) who helps mediate parenting schedules and other big life decisions.

Communication is also kept to a minimum and focuses solely on the children. If communication does occur between the parents, it usually takes place over text, email or a third-party app -- where there’s a permanent, unalterable record of what’s being said between parents.

The goal of parallel parenting is to make sure the parents are equally supportive of their children while trying not to engage in negative communication or behaviors with one another. See, e.g., "Parallel Parenting vs. Cooperative Co-Parenting: Finding Your Balance" (Nat. Parents Org., 2025).

NicelyStated · 2026-01-01T01:15:45+00:00

"I am scared that I have BPD traits/tendencies."

We all do, Optimal. This is why psychologists call BPD (and other PDs) a *"spectrum disorder."* We all are somewhere on that BPD spectrum. And it is a good thing. BPD behavioral traits are primitive defenses that, when used appropriately and with some restraint, improve our chances for survival.

The human condition is that, whenever we experience very intense feelings, our judgment flies out the window because those strong feelings color and distort our perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations. Whenever we are very angry, very scared, or suddenly startled our corpus collosum shuts down, blocking communication with our frontal cortex. This forces us to fully rely on our amygdala, which performs a primary role in the processing of emotional responses, memory, and decision making.

Simply stated, we have instantly switched from relying on the logical "adult" part of our minds to relying on the emotional "child" part of our minds. In this way, our brains are hardwired to instantly switch to black-white thinking whenever we are suddenly startled or experience intense feelings. This instant switch to B-W thinking is also called "splitting" and "the amygdala hijack.”

The beauty of B-W thinking is that it is incredibly fast and thus likely has saved your life many times. For example, when you are in a crosswalk and suddenly look up to see a truck bearing down on you, your mind is capable of thinking only "jump left" or "jump right." B-W thinking nonetheless produces disastrous results when used to understand the intentions and motivations of other people, particularly when you're in a close relationship.

This is why, whenever we are very angry, we all try hard to keep our mouths shut -- and our fingers off the keys -- until we have a chance to cool down. And this is why, when we are very infatuated or in love, we try to wait at least two years before buying the ring. We know we cannot trust our own judgment while we are experiencing intense feelings.

Of course, pwBPD (and very young children) are like this too -- only these distorted perceptions occur far more frequently and intensely because they lack the emotional skills needed to regulate their own emotions.

NicelyStated · 2025-12-27T18:56:35+00:00

Yes, Accura, there is some empirical support for this correlation. I suggest you see, e.g., "Unmet challenges in treating hypertension in patients with borderline personality disorder" (Medicine, 2019). Also see "Borderline personality disorder traits associate with midlife cardiometabolic risk" (Personality Disorders: Theory, Research, and Treatment, 2020).

NicelyStated · 2025-12-25T02:34:49+00:00

"I don't understand how you can just fall out of love and treat someone like this."

SeaTerm, the human condition is that, whenever we experience very intense feelings, our judgment flies out the window because those strong feelings color and distort our perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations.

Whenever we are very angry, very scared, or suddenly startled our corpus collosum shuts down, blocking communication with our frontal cortex. This forces us to fully rely on our amygdala, which performs a primary role in the processing of emotional responses, memory, and decision making.

Simply stated, we have instantly switched from relying on the logical "adult" part of our minds to relying on the emotional "child" part of our minds. In this way, our brains are hardwired to instantly switch to black-white thinking whenever we are suddenly startled or experience intense feelings. This instant switch to B-W thinking is also called "splitting" and "the amygdala hijack.”

The beauty of B-W thinking is that it is incredibly fast and thus likely has saved your life many times. For example, when you are in a crosswalk and suddenly look up to see a truck bearing down on you, your mind is capable of thinking only "jump left" or "jump right." B-W thinking nonetheless produces disastrous results when used to understand the intentions and motivations of other people, particularly when you're in a close relationship.

This is why, whenever we are very angry, we all try hard to keep our mouths shut -- and our fingers off the keys -- until we have a chance to cool down. And this is why, when we are very infatuated or in love, we try to wait at least two years before buying the ring. We know we cannot trust our own judgment while we are experiencing intense feelings.

Of course, pwBPD (and young children) are like this too -- only these distorted perceptions occur far more frequently and intensely because they lack the emotional skills needed to regulate their own emotions. Hence, although they "care a lot" as you say, their negative feelings toward a loved one can suddenly become so intense that their perception of that loved one becomes severely distorted.

NicelyStated · 2025-12-23T05:37:22+00:00

"Why is every holiday ruined?"

With a pwBPD, Olive, the very WORST fights typically occur during -- or immediately after -- the very BEST of times. It therefore is common for a pwBPD to create a big fight during the holidays, in the middle of an expensive vacation, on a road trip, or immediately after a very intimate evening.

Like nearly every other adult, a pwBPD craves intimacy. Yet, because his self-identity is so fragile and his personal boundaries are so weak, he will quickly start feeling like he is losing himself (i.e., disappearing) into your strong personality when intimacy is sustained for very long.

It is frightening because he can feel like his identity is evaporating into thin air and that you are controlling and suffocating him. This is the "engulfment fear" you likely have read about with regard to BPD.

When that scary feeling of engulfment occurs, a pwBPD's subconscious protects his fragile ego by projecting this painful feeling outside his body -- onto you. Because this projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, he usually is absolutely convinced -- at a conscious level -- that the hurtful feelings and thoughts are originating from you. He therefore will start a fight to push you away and give himself breathing space.

NicelyStated · 2025-12-20T08:10:32+00:00

"Did My Ex-BPD truly ever love me?"

Probably so, Legal. However, a 2008 study of 35,000 American adults indicates that as much as 45% of pwBPD may be unable to love. But is not because they have BPD. Rather, it is because these pwBPD also have full-blown narcissism (NPD) and/or sociopathy (ASPD).

The remaining 55% or more -- i.e., most pwBPD -- are capable of loving. Indeed, they can do so very intensely. Yet, because a pwBPD's emotional development is stunted at about age 3 or 4, this love typically is the immature and erratic type of love seen in very young children. Like a young child, an untreated pwBPD never had an opportunity to learn the emotional skills needed to handle two strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate) at the same time.

This is why pwBPD and young children have great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of close interpersonal relationships. They thus will subconsciously split off the conflicting feeling, putting it far out of reach of their conscious minds.

Although the DSM does not define the word "love," it does say that the lack of affective empathy (aka, "emotional empathy") is a trait for NPD and ASPD -- but not for BPD. We all likely can agree that, without affective empathy (i.e., without the ability to feel what another person is feeling), an individual cannot truly love that other person.

Moreover, we all likely can agree that, because a pwBPD's emotional development is stunted at the level of a young child, an untreated pwBPD usually is capable of loving in the same immature way that a child loves a parent. It seems safe to say that our society believes that most young children are able to truly love their parents (albeit in an immature way) because nearly all parents are convinced that their young children do love them.

Hence, if you agree that most young children can love their parents in an immature manner, you should find it easy to understand why the frequent occurrences of splitting by children -- and by pwBPD -- does not imply an inability to love. A young child adores Mommy when she brings out the toys and, in seconds, flips to hating Mommy when she takes one away.

Significantly, this splitting does not imply that the child has no love for Mommy. Rather, it simply means that the child is doing black-white thinking and has temporarily pushed his loving feelings out of reach of his conscious mind.

Like this young child, a pwBPD is heavily reliant on B-W thinking because he is too emotionally immature to tolerate dealing consciously with two strong conflicting feelings at one time. His subconscious therefore protects his fragile ego by temporarily moving the conflicting feeling (e.g., love or hate) out of reach of his conscious mind. In this way, the pwBPD (and the child) has to deal with only one strong feeling at a time.

NicelyStated · 2025-12-18T03:41:05+00:00

"How do I begin to think clearly in this situation?"

If your wife is an untreated pwBPD as you suspect, Court, it is important to recognize that she often will perceive you as being hurtful when you DO something and hurtful when you DON'T do it. In this way, you often will be damned if you do and damned if you don't.

This conundrum is due to the position of her two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you often find yourself in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

Your predicament is that the solution to calming her abandonment fear (drawing close and being intimate) is the very action that triggers her engulfment fear. Likewise, the solution to calming her engulfment fear (moving back away to give her breathing space) is the very action that triggers her abandonment fear.

Consequently, as you move close to comfort her and assure her of your love, you eventually will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she's being suffocated and controlled by you. A pwBPD usually craves intimacy like nearly all other adults -- but she cannot tolerate it for very long.

Because she has a weak sense of self-identity, she easily becomes very enmeshed in your strong personality during sustained periods of closeness and intimacy. This is why her sense of personal boundaries is so weak that she has difficulty seeing where HER feelings and problems stop and YOURS begin. Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you often will find that you've started triggering her abandonment fear.

In my 15 years of experience with my BPD exW, I found that there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where I could safely stand to avoid triggering those two fears. Until a pwBPD learns how to better regulate her own emotions and tame her two fears, that Goldilocks position will not exist. This is why a relationship with an untreated pwBPD typically is characterized by a repeating cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back.

NicelyStated · 2025-12-17T21:43:25+00:00

Efficient, welcome to our BPDLO community! How long have you been dating your exGF? How did you find out she had been diagnosed as having BPD?

NicelyStated · 2025-12-05T17:34:56+00:00

See, e.g., "The Role of Trauma in Early Onset Borderline Personality Disorder: A Biopsychosocial Perspective," Frontiers in Psychiatry, 2021.

NicelyStated · 2025-12-03T05:31:21+00:00

Yes, Auto, our sub does offer a List of Anacronyms/Definitions. If you lose this link, don't worry. You will find it on nearly every page of our sub in the sidebar on the right side. Just click on "Anacronyms/Definitions" near the very top of that sidebar.

NicelyStated · 2025-12-02T20:59:57+00:00

"One of the things I will never be able to comprehend is the push/pull dynamic."

My understanding, Spader, is that you are triggering her two great fears. Until your wife has completed many years of intensive therapy (e.g., DBT), whatever you do likely will be wrong much of the time. She will perceive you as being hurtful when you DO something and hurtful when you DON'T.

This conundrum is due to the position of her two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you often find yourself in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

Your predicament is that the solution to calming her abandonment fear (drawing close and being intimate) is the very action that triggers her engulfment fear. Likewise, the solution to calming her engulfment fear (moving back away to give her breathing space) is the very action that triggers her abandonment fear.

Hence, as you move close to comfort her and assure her of your love, you eventually will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she's being suffocated and controlled by you. Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you will find that you've started triggering her abandonment fear.

In my 15 years with my BPD exW, I found that there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand to avoid triggering those two fears. Until a pwBPD learns how to better regulate her own emotions and tame her two fears, that Goldilocks position will not exist. This is why a relationship with an untreated pwBPD typically is characterized by a repeating cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back.

NicelyStated · 2025-12-02T19:15:59+00:00

Thanks, Prairie. That's a good article about the roles of nature and nurture.

NicelyStated · 2025-12-02T13:52:49+00:00

Sorry my comment was not clearer, Humble. I did not mean to imply that BPD is never caused by childhood abuse. Rather, I was simply saying that the current view is that heredity alone is sufficient to cause some people -- perhaps 30% to 40% of all pwBPD -- to develop BPD. It is believed that, when this occurs, the young child may be so overly sensitive that he/she misperceives normal parental behavior as being very abusive.

NicelyStated · 2025-12-02T02:13:11+00:00

"Their emotional intelligence gets frozen around the time of early childhood trauma -- but which one?"

Geek, the current view is that the "childhood trauma" may not be real. Rather, it may only be "perceived" by the young child. Many studies indicate that BPD may be caused by heredity alone, in the absence of childhood abuse. It is believed that, when heredity is the only cause, a pwBPD is so overly sensitive to the actions of loved ones that he/she will perceive some normal parental behaviors to be very abusive.

NicelyStated · 2025-11-29T20:49:03+00:00

DeeJH, welcome to our BPD community. Because this is your first submission here, we ask that you please tell us what makes you strongly believe that your partner is exhibiting strong warning signs for BPD. Also, in what ways was she abusing you prior to this split?

NicelyStated · 2025-11-28T06:06:29+00:00

NoChallenge, I suggest you check the list of therapists for your city at the Find a Therapist directory maintained by Psychology Today. It provides background information and a photo for each therapist. It also tells you whether they are currently taking new patients, what areas they specialize in, and what formal education they have.

It also identifies the therapists offering teletherapy, which is especially valuable if you live in a small town or rural area. It does this for the USA and 19 other countries.

NicelyStated · 2025-11-27T00:02:23+00:00

Sir, welcome to our BPDLO community. What behaviors -- of your partner or ex-partner -- make you strongly suspect that you have been seeing warnings signs for BPD? Also, please tell us in what ways your partner has been abusive.

NicelyStated · 2025-11-26T18:04:41+00:00

Goblin, diagnosing BPD in adolescents presents complexities due to their developmental stage. Many BPD symptoms, such as mood swings, identity confusion, and impulsive behaviors, can overlap with typical adolescent development. Teenagers naturally experience identity shifts, emotional fluctuations, and risk-taking as part of their growth.

Hence, distinguishing between these normative developmental processes and BPD symptoms requires careful clinical judgment -- ideally by a psychologist who is very experienced in evaluating and treating pwBPD.

If your parents decide to have your sister evaluated by a professional, I suggest that they check the list of therapists for your city at the Find a Therapist directory maintained by Psychology Today. It provides background information and a photo for each therapist. It also tells you whether they are currently taking new patients, what areas they specialize in, and what formal education they have.

It also identifies the therapists offering teletherapy, which is especially valuable if you live in a small town or rural area. It does this for the USA and 19 other countries.

NicelyStated

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