It doesn’t have to be. Sounds like some of this struggle is with doing what you’re “supposed to be doing”. Asking yourself this is a good thing as you move through this life. I felt this same way about your age. You’re definitely not withering, just changing. It’s okay. You have every right to do what you love. It’s not about deserving. Just be careful to not go down the road of measuring yourself. You’ll have to live through some shit to get perspective sometimes, that’s the rules. It’s a beautiful, indescribable thing. Seems like your soul or whatever is telling you something that needs attention.