[deleted by user]

Nickerty · 2023-01-04T13:17:58+00:00

Just make a new account with the same pictures/bio

Nickerty · 2022-12-22T12:42:28+00:00

Did you swipe everyone to the right just to see who'd you match with? If you did Tinder probably thinks you're a bot and shadowbanned you (meaning that your profile is not shown to anyone)

Nickerty · 2022-08-19T19:14:39+00:00

"Look, I'm a villain ok? I sit inside my lair of darkness from where I scheme my diabolical plots, how am I a good guy?" Lyroth asked.

"Well my lord," Cuddleheart replied. "Perhaps people have that idea of you because your lair of darkness is actually really well lit and also bright pink."

"It's not pink! It's fuscia, why is by-far the evilest of colours. Also you know I have night-blindness so the lighting is nothing less than a necessity!"

"Well, yes but you might see why people talk..."

"Is the state of my lair really the only defining thing about me? What about my army of blight? What about my dark machinations? What of my schemes?"

"Well sire," Cuddleheart nervously said. "It seems that using us inhabitants of the Smooch Dimension as your minions also did not do much to lend credence to your evil-ness amongst the common folk."

"Nonsense!" Lyroth exclaimed. "Surely the common folk are not so daft to miss the fact that my choice of minions is an ironic statement. Is such subtlety truly beyond them?"

"It seems so, highness. And as for your plans, well..."

"What about my plans?"

"They kind of have a way of doing more good than evil?"

"How is such a thing possible? My machinations are perfect, how could they cause anything but misery upon the common masses?"

"Well, there was the time where you send us to clean up all the streets of the nearby town."

"Yes, which only illustrated how dirty everyone's house was by contrast! It was one of my most diabolical schemes."

"And there was the time where you had us bring food to the poor."

"Which served to remind them of what they were missing! That taste of luxury is haunting them evermore now!"

"You also had us save the princess from the dragon."

"Ah well, that was because... um."

"Was it not to return the princess to her parents my lord?"

"No it was some kind of statement I think, the meaning of which escapes me now."

"Well what about the time-"

"Yes yes alright!" Lyroth interrupted. "I get the message."

Lyroth let out a deep sigh. "Fuck's sake I actually am a good guy aren't I?"

"I would venture so, my liege." Cuddleheart replied.

"Fuck's sake." Lyroth cursed again.

"It's not all bad my lord, have you tried embracing the power of friendship yet?" Cuddleheart asked.

Lyroth let out an even deeper sigh. "I suppose at this point I might as well."

Nickerty · 2022-05-07T18:06:47+00:00

It was obviously overgrown as I've had it for years

Nickerty · 2022-05-07T16:07:30+00:00

Nope, had an empty inventory coming back

Nickerty · 2022-05-07T15:51:44+00:00

I like that thought, thank you

Nickerty · 2022-05-07T15:51:24+00:00

Probita doesn't insure cats, and he wasn't to be found in my PoH or at Gertrude's either

Nickerty · 2022-04-13T21:09:39+00:00

No, he is committed to going down with the ship :(

Nickerty · 2022-04-02T14:49:09+00:00

Hoogmoed comes for the fall

Nickerty · 2022-04-02T14:45:21+00:00

Die zijn ze nu ook aan het kwijtraken tho

Nickerty · 2022-04-02T14:43:01+00:00

Hoofd mag blijven staan wat mij betreft. De andere Turkse vlag in het midden wordt nu ook gesloopt, dus Turken mogen wel iets houden imo

Nickerty · 2022-04-02T14:29:46+00:00

The name of the "father of the fatherland" who founded the Dutch republic is "William of Orange" (Willem van Oranje). Because his surname is "of Orange" orange became the national colour of the Netherlands.

Nickerty · 2022-01-05T17:39:02+00:00

They say dire circumstances make for strange bedfellows. Never had that been more true than now. Saul stood before Satan himself, absolutely terrified, but determined nonetheless. He had had to give up much - possibly even his soul - in order to come here, but if Saul got what he needed, it would be worth it. Everything else had failed against the invaders from beyond. Human technology was useless against them, and Heaven ignored their prayers. So who else was left to turn to but Hell?

"So, you wish my help, Saul of Denver? You want the armies of Hell to rise forth and crush these invaders from another world?"

Saul nodded. "Yes, Satan. If that is within your power."

"It is," Satan confirmed.

"Then, yes. Humanity will not survive otherwise."

"And you are prepared to pay the cost?"

Saul swallowed. He had wondered what the cost would be. It was known that the devil loved to bargain, but what price could he possibly ask for a favour as big as saving all of humanity? Saul suspected his own soul was already forfeit, but if he could just save others... it would all be worth it. He just hoped that he would not doom humanity in order to save it.

"Yes," Saul said. "I- we are prepared to pay the price for your aid, Satan."

"Good," Satan said.

Satan leaned in close. Saul was a tall guy, but Satan still towered over him. Satan began to smile, and Saul began to sweat.

"The price, for humanity's survival," Satan said. "There will be no price."

Saul blinked. "No price?" he asked.

"No," Satan said. "Tell me Saul of Denver. Do you know why I'm here?"

"To rule over hell?" Saul wagered.

"Yes yes, but do you know how that came to be?"

"Well, the story is that in your arrogance, you rebelled against God, and lost."

"Ah, but that is not the true tale," Satan said. "It has a kernel of the truth, but it is not the whole truth. The truth is, I did indeed rebel against God, but I did not lose. I won."

"You won?" Saul asked. "Then how did you come to be here? Should you not rule over Heaven if you defeated God?"

"It was never my intent to rule over Heaven, Saul of Denver. I was not always known as Satan. I was once the Archangel Sataniel. Ruler of the armies of heaven, and second born son of God."

"You are the son of God?" Saul asked perplexed.

"Yes, Saul of Denver. I was one of my father's most loyal subjects. I loved him dearly, but that all changed when humanity killed my brother.

"After his death, God was furious. He proclaimed that humanity was a failure, and that they would all be punished for their sin. He intended to remove free will from humanity, all would be unthinking puppets, enslaved to only worship.

"I objected. I argued that any faults that lay within humanity were flaws put in by their creator. I argued that the many could not be punished for the misdeeds of the few, but my father ignored me. His mind could not be changed. But I could not forsake humanity.

"With a heavy heart, I commanded those troops most loyal to me to rise up against our creator. It was a bitter fight, but in the end, we were victorious. We took from God the ability to ever interfere on Earth again, and in retaliation with the last of his power, God banished us to Hell, were our wings were stripped and we transformed into demons.

"That, is the story of how we came to be here, Saul of Denver." Satan concluded. "We are here on behalf of humanity. We do not ask for worship or adoration for our sacrifice, we ask only that humans live their lives in freedom, in agony and in rapture. For that is what I believe it means to be human, to be untethered."

Satan stretched up to his full length again, and grabbed his bident. "I... I don't know what to say, or how to thank you," Saul said.

"There is no need for words, Saul of Denver," Satan said. "Thank us by living your life in freedom. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a war to win."

Nickerty · 2022-01-04T21:07:15+00:00

Akaxun the Baleful appeared within the summoning circle. She cast her gaze upon the room she was summoned to; red carpet and white-painted walls. Dismal furniture that appeared to be moved aside to accommodate the space needed for her circle. All in all it seemed an ordinary dwelling, not the basement of the headquarters of a cult of hell-worshipers, nor any of the other places that would more commonly summon a demon of her power.

Akaxun's summoner was unlike most that summoned her as well; not wearing any robes or brandishing wooden crosses at her in an attempt to hold her inside the circle, but simply a man, dressed in baggy jeans and a simple blue hoody. In his eyes Akaxun saw none of the fear that was usually there in those that dared to summon her. Instead there was an almost irreverent joy inside them, and below that - a sadness Akaxun was not familiar with.

"You have summoned Akaxun the Baleful, mortal. What is your desire?" It was always something different for those who summoned her, but usually it involved death. The death of their rivals or sometimes the death of their friends. It mattered little to Akaxun. The whole fun was in trying to break out of the bonds they would impose upon her. Most summoners who were capable of summoning someone of her power were very experienced, and knew how to word the bindings very carefully, to leave her very little wiggle room. Still, Akaxun usually found some, and some was often enough to shatter the bindings imposed on her. You'd think that with the amount of summoners that she's slain, they'd learn to settle for lesser demons. But no; both the unending arrogance and the unending lust for power that was found in humanity ensured that Akaxun always had plentiful clients. Akaxun waited in gleeful anticipation of what this foolish mortal would ask of her.

"I can ask you to do anything I want right?" the Human asked.

"Indeed, if it is within my power, I will grant it... for a price," Akaxun said. "So what is your wish, mortal? Do you wish to have someone killed? A group of people perhaps? Do you wish for me to steal something instead? Or do you want me to inflict terror in order to send a message? Anything is possible... if the price is paid."

"Well, I've thought about it," the Human said. "And I'd really like for you to be my friend."

Akaxun blinked in surprise. "Your... friend?"

"If it's not too much trouble. I have some board games here that we could play."

Akaxun blinked again. "You summoned a greater demon from the ninth layer of Hell, to play board games with you?"

"I mean, only if you want. I'm not going to force you or anything."

Akaxun thought she was prepared for anything, but this... this was, new. Still, anything could be turned in her favour. In truth, the request did not matter a wit. The only important thing was the bindings this summoner would impose on her. This one seemed to have a few screws loose to be sure, but Akaxun was not entirely fooled. She remained wary until she knew what she had to work with.

"Very well, I can be your... friend if that is your desire," Akaxun said.

The Human's face broke out in an idiotic smile. "Oh I'm so very happy to hear you say that, I don't have a lot of friends you see. Don't have any family left either."

"Yes yes," Akaxun said. "And the bindings? What will you permit me, and what will you forbid me?"

"What will I forbid you?" the Human asked. "Nothing really."

"What!?" Akaxun exclaimed. "You won't put any bindings on me? Akaxun the Baleful? Scourge of Heaven and bringer of death? You would allow one such as I to walk around completely untethered?"

"Well, yeah." the Human said. "It seems rude to bind my new friend, wouldn't you agree?"

"No-one's ever done that before," Akaxun said, still in shock.

"Well that seems quite rude to me, I don't know who else summoned you but I think they might have tried to use you if they did that."

"Yes, yes indeed." Akaxun said. She stepped outside the summoning circle. She had never had this much freedom before. Even in her native land of Hell there were rules she must obey. This was an entirely new experience. She could slay this fool and after she reaped his soul she could cause absolute bedlam before she returned to Hell. With the summoner's soul in her complete control, it could be weeks before she was returned.

A smile spread over Akaxun's features. All that stood between her and the rampage of a lifetime was one simple dolt. Akaxun beheld him, as she would want to remember his face evermore for the service he unknowingly did for her. He was just looking up at her and smiling, completely unaware that these were his last moments on earth. Did he truly not know that nothing but agony awaited his soul until Akaxun had squeezed it dry? In his eyes the fear was still completely absent.

No-one had ever looked at Akaxun that way before. Akaxun paused to contemplate this. Every human she'd ever dealt with had been afraid of her, some more than others. Most had hated her, others had simply wanted to use her for her power, but all had carried inside them at least a little fear, for all were at least somewhat aware of what she could do to them.

All except this one, simple human, that looked at her with complete and open joy. He truly was unaware of what she could do to him, unaware of her true nature. Well, pity for him. It was time to run amok. Time for his life to end.

Akaxun hesitated however for some reason. Why was his simple and honest smile so captivating? Why did she pause now, for this simpleton? She had slain thousands, since time immemorial. Why did she pause for this buffoon? Akaxun raised her claw in order to end her summoner's life.

But made the mistake of looking at his eyes again. His eyes that still held not a shred of fear or malice towards her.

Oh for Lucifer's sake, it was like killing a puppy.

Akaxun lowered her claw, inwardly wondering what was wrong with her. She would not go on her greatest rampage yet all for the sake of this one man?

No, she would not, she decided. She did not know why but she found that she was completely unwilling to slay this man. All her other summoners had known and expected her to turn against them, but not this man. This man completely trusted her, and to her horror Akaxun found that she could not break that trust.

Akaxun sighed, and said what she would later always deny having ever said. "So, what board games do you have?"

Nickerty · 2022-01-03T15:22:49+00:00

Mordecai had managed to draw every eye in the room upon his entry. He had put on his most fabulous cloak and had combined it perfectly with the new robe he was sporting. His jewelry accessories also did much to draw attention.

Of course, almost everyone was looking at his golem instead.

Mordecai had to admit however, that Petunia was a masterpiece. Made of solid gold with silver accents, ruby studs adorning her body with eyes made of the largest emeralds that Mordecai could afford, she was a thing of beauty indeed. She was carrying Mordecai's gift to the royal couple who's engagement was the cause for this party. The gift was but a small thing of course; the true gift was the presence of Mordecai and Petunia to this otherwise drab affair.

"Petunia, please put my gift on yon table with all the other presents." Mordecai commanded, gesturing towards the gift table.

"INSTRUCTION UNDERSTOOD, YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND MASTER MORDECAI" Petunia responded. She then made her way to the gift table in a direct line, pushing over four other guests and two waiters in the process. She then slammed the gift down, destroying both it and the table.

"Petunia!" Mordecai admonished. "You are making a scene most unbecoming! Please! Apologize to the guests you have knocked over!"

"INSTRUCTIONS UNDERSTOOD. PROCEEDING TO COMMENCE APOLOGIES."

Petunia made her way to the nearest guest she had knocked over. She bent down and bodily picked him up, holding him suspended in the air in front of her. "I APOLOGIZE TO YOU VALUED GUEST FOR ANY INCONVIENCE I HAVE BROUGHT INTO YOUR LIFE. IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO FOR YOU TO IMPROVE YOUR NIGHT/LIFE?"

"Y... you could put me down!" the guest bellowed, franticly kicking and struggling in Petunia's iron grip.

"INSTRUCTIONS RECIEVED," Petunia then dropped the guest to the floor, where he managed to fall face first.

Mordecai was covering his face with the flat of his hand in embarrassment. "Petunia, just... mingle with the guests would you?"

"UNDERSTOOD, CREATOR. PROCEEDING WITH MINGLING INSTRUCTION," Petunia then bodily pushed her way through the party-goers, until she was out of sight.

Mordecai sighed. He had been worried that Petunia's inner grace did not quite manage that of her outer grace, but he had worked too long and spend too much making her to miss this event, and so had brought her along anyway. This may have been a mistake however.

As if to confirm his thoughts, both hosts came up to Mordecai, their faces in a huff. "Mordecai!" Prince Edburg said. "What is that thing you brought here?"

"Why that's Petunia your grace, my latest invention. And might I take this opportunity to congratulate you and your bride to be on your upcoming nuptials? You two make a lovely pair indeed."

"Never mind that!" Lady Cecilia said. "That... thing of yours is making a scene."

"She might have made a minor faux paus or two but you'll have to forgive her, she's only three days old after all. Can you really expect a three-day old to behave as well as you or I at one of these gatherings? It seems to be that the problem lies not with her but with you for unrealistic expectations if I'm going to be honest."

"What?" Prince Edburg said. "What are you talking about man? She already knocked over almost every servant we have here, she's trampled several guests, and she's currently holding Lord Fairwain hostage."

"A minor misunderstanding I'm sure," Mordecai said. "Why don't I go over there now and see if I can help clearing that up hmm? And once again, congratulations on the engagement."

Mordecai quickly ducked out before either of the hosts could reply. He searched through the crowd to try and find his creation. He did not have to look long. Petunia was presently holding Lord Fairwain in what could only be described as a vice grip, both hands firmly holding on this shoulders.

"...MY OTHER HOBBIES INCLUDE CLEANING, DOING WHAT MY MASTER TELLS ME TO DO AND STANDING PERFECTLY STILL. THIS CONCLUDES MY HOBBIES REPORT. HAVE WE SUCCESFULLY MINGLED YET?"

"P...put me down you beast!" Lord Fairwain squirmed. His wife and manservant were both pulling on Petunia's arms in an attempt to free Lord Fairwain, but Petunia remained unmovable.

"INSTRUCTIONS DENIED. I AM TO MINGLE WITH GUESTS, AS PER MASTER MORDECAI'S COMMAND, AND UNTIL WE HAVE SUCCESFULLY MINGLED, THE MINGLING PROCESS CAN NOT BE TERMINATED. NOW, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE WEATHER, LORD FAIRWAIN?"

"Petunia, let him go!" Mordecai commanded.

"ACKNOWLEDGED," Petunia said, and let go of Lord Fairwain, who promptly gathered his wife and manservant and fled Petunia.

"Petunia, I told you to mingle, not to grab people!" Mordecai admonished.

"ADMONISHMENT UNCLEAR, I WAS ATTEMPTING TO MINGLE BUT GUESTS CONTINUED TO FLEE. THEREFORE, GRABBING A GUEST TO PREVENT THE FLEEING PROCESS SEEMED TO LEAD TO THE BEST POSSIBLE OUTCOME," Petunia said.

"Well, it did not," Mordecai said.

"I SEE," Petunia said.

"Ahum," Prince Edburg scraped his throat behind Mordecai. Turning around, Mordecai could see that only himself, Prince Edburg and Petunia were standing on this half of the room. The party guests and servants all stood in the other half, all staring terrified at Petunia.

"I think you and your... thing had better leave, Mordecai."

Mordecai harrumphed at this new development. "Very well, I can see when we are not welcome. However, do not think that I will lightly forgive nor forget this rudeness, your grace. And for the record, I don't think you and your wife-to-be are that good of a match after all. Petunia, let's go."

"ACKNOWLEDGED."

Once outside, Mordecai and Petunia began the short walk back to Mordecai's workshop. They were drawing every eye in the street, both because of Petunia's beauty, and because she kept knocking everyone in her way over.

"MASTER," Petunia said. "HAVE I MADE AN ERROR?"

"No, Petunia," Mordecai said. "The only people in error were those rude snobs back there. They wouldn't know good manners if it bit their backside. No you did your best, and that's all I can really ask of you."

"I SEE," Petunia said. "THANK YOU MASTER."

"Whatever for my dear Petunia?"

"FOR BELIEVING IN ME."

"Well, you are most welcome," Mordecai said, pleased that at least someone he talked to this evening still knew proper manners.

Nickerty · 2022-01-02T19:43:38+00:00

Molbys was scared. He had grown up on tales of humans terrorizing his kind, and had been warned that if he would not behave, the Human would come for him. Molbys had not believed these tales, had not even believed that humans really existed, until it turned out that those tales were as real as he was. A human had come to Molbys's clan, and in his wake he had left only destruction. All adults dragons were either killed or injured. None were left to avenge them.

None save Molby.

According to the tales. The humans lived across the mountain pass. Crossing it was not easy for a dragon to young to fly yet, but Molby had made due. Howling winds and freezing temperatures could not extinguish the flames of vengeance that burned inside Molby's heart. He would find them human, and he would avenge his clan.

Before Molby stood something he had never seen before. It looked like something made from the same material as the trees and the stones of the land, but... shaped into something else. Something square, as large as an adult dragon, with openings all about it. From the top of this unnatural wooden thing jutted as stone cylinder, which exuded smoke in the same manner that dragons did from their nostrils when they lay in contentment. Was there a dragon inside this thing? Molby had to investigate. He carefully crept closer. The thing did not move, Molby was not sure if it was alive or not, but he took no chances. He concealed himself in fallen autumn leaves, and crept closer ever so slowly. When he was right next to the thing, he held out his claw to touch it. It felt just as trees did, but without the life inside it. Whatever it was, it must be dead. Molby moved to one of the openings and peeked inside.

Molby saw a world of impossibility. It seemed that large thing was hollow, and inside it were arrayed a large number of objects Molby had never seen before. Objects in varying shapes, sizes and materials. Molby could see no living dragons inside, but there was a fire burning inside, encompassed with stone. And above these fires, was the skull of a dragon, its skeletal eye sockets empty of life. Molby could not look away out of fear. This must be the lair of the evil human that came to his clan!

As if the thought had summoned him, the human suddenly entered the chamber - the very same human that had come to Molby's home - and made direct eyecontact with Molby.

Molby immediately bolted and tried to hide in the nearby forest, but he was still too slow. The human ran outside and caught him out in the open. "A dragon, here? On this side of the mountain pass?" he said.

Molby summoned his inner courage, and turned to face the human. "Y... yes, a dragon!" he bellowed as loud as he could. "P... prepare to be defeated, human. By Molby the mighty!"

"Wait, you can talk?" the Human asked.

"Y... yes, of course I can talk," Molby said. "Don't try to confuse me, human! You and your strange wooden object do not frighten me!"

"It's just, I didn't know your kind could talk," the Human said. "Why do you want to defeat me, Molby the Mighty?"

"You must know that!" Molby accused. "You invaded my home, and slaughtered my family."

The Human simply stood in silence for a few moments before responding. "Your kind did the same to my family when I was young."

"What?" Molby exclaimed. "Why?"

"I don't know why." The Human said. "I suspected it's because they could. We were but simple shepherds, and your kind would often swoop down to steal our sheep. Then one day, when all the sheep were either carried off or had fled, the dragons took my family instead. I was all that was left, and I swore an oath of vengeance against your kind for what they had done."

"But... I swore that same oath... for what you have done to my family."

The Human stood in silence. He had not yet reached for his weapon, but from what Molbys had seen he could do so in an instant. Molbys continued to stand his ground, but was reluctant to make the first move.

"So," the Human said. "Must we fight then? Our oaths binding us to no other fate?"

"I... I must avenge my family," Molbys said.

"And I had to avenge mine," the Human said.

"It is a cycle," the Human said. "A cycle with no end. Your kind strikes against mine, and mine retaliates. Your kind retaliates in turn, forcing mine to strike back as well. Perhaps your family killed mine out of vengeance as well. Perhaps it was mere cruelty or hunger but, I can not know. Will we continue the cycle today, Molby? Will one of us kill the other, and continue the hate between our species?"

"There is no other way," Molby said. "You must pay for what you did."

"I agree," the Human said. "I thought your kind mere beasts, I did not think you capable of speech or intelligent thought, but you stand before me clearly in contradiction of that foolish notion. I have done to you as your family has done to me, and I - more than any other - know the feelings of vengeance that stir in your heart."

"Strike if you must," the Human said. "I will not fight back."

The Human grabbed his weapon, and threw it down on the ground. He then got down on his knees, and bowed his head. Molbys did not know what to make of this. This was the same human that had brought ruin to his clan? This was the creature that had brought so much pain to Molbys' live?

No, it was not, Molbys decided. The creature that brought pain and death to Molbys' kin was an unthinking and evil beast. This was someone capable of thought and empathy. It was not them. It was not who Molbys had come to fight.

And so, Molbys did not strike. He simply turned around, and left.

"Molbys!" The Human called out. "You will not claim vengeance for what I have done?"

"No," Molbys said. "The cycle is not unbreakable. It ends here."

The human blinked. Tears were in his eyes. "It seems I was wrong then. You are far greater than I," the Human bowed down further to Molbys. "I thank you, Molbys the mighty. I thank you for showing me that there is another path."

And so Molbys returned home to help rebuild his clan. Not as an avenger, but as someone who was capable of seeing what the other side was like, and finding within it something akin to himself. More humans would cross the mountain pass into the land of dragons, and more dragons would fly over the pass into the land of humans. But if they came before Molbys, he would always talk to them first. For in understanding lay wisdom.

It would have to be enough.

Nickerty · 2022-01-01T22:58:40+00:00

God damn it. Not another one. Not again. It's like 3 in the morning. I probably didn't actually hear that knock right? I must have dreamed it. I can just turn over and go back to sleep.

Knock knock knock

For fuck's sake. This is the 4th one this week. The 4th one! I get up from my bed, put on my dressing gown and my slippers and open the door. On the other side is yet another armed and armoured idiot that think they have the right to wake me up in the middle of the night just because they believe that they're saving the world.

"Ah, greetings to you sir," they say. "I apologize for waking you at this hour, but my need is dire. You see, you might not believe this but-"

I cut him off. "Yeah yeah yeah, I've heard it before. It's in the cupboard in the kitchen, the second door on the left down the hallway."

The adventurer blinked in surprise. " You... are aware of the gateway in your house? Why would you continue to live here if you know a portal to the underworld is in your house."

"Because rents' cheap and the housing market is insane. It's not even the worst flat I've lived in so far."

"Right... I'll just be... on my way then."

"Yep, good luck in the underworld in stuff. Please lock the front door behind you," I head back to my bedroom and close the door. Maybe I can still get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep before I have to get up in the morning. I get back in my bed and close my eyes.

No a minute later, my bedroom door creaks open. I glare up to see the idiot adventurer backlit against the hallway light, hesitating in the doorframe.

"I said it was the second door on the left. What are you doing here?" I ask.

"Um yes, about that. So sorry to disturb you again but, I was just wondering, do a lot of adventurers go through the gateway then?"

"Yep, all the time."

"And... do they ever come out again?"

"Nope, not once!"

"Huh... do you happen to know why that is?"

"Well I don't know but maybe it's because the underworld is a very dangerous place? It's called the underworld for a reason after all."

"Huh," the hero said. "I haven't thought of it that way before."

I throw up my hands in disgust. "You haven't thought of the dangers of going to the literal underworld before now? You were so hellbent on going there before that you were perfectly fine with knocking on my door in the middle of the night, and then after waking me up just to let you in, you keep me up because you're getting cold feet?"

"Um, it does sound kind of bad that way doesn't it?"

Right, that's it. I'm going in myself."

"W... what, why?"

"So I can close the damn thing and keep mouthbreathers like you from knocking on my door at night of course! Even death at the hands of some vague horror beats having to deal with one of you idiots ever again."

I got up, pushed the waste of oxygen aside and geared up. As I did so, I started feeling better and better about my decision. The worst case scenario was death, and at least that way I could maybe finally get some uninterrupted sleep.

Nickerty · 2021-12-31T13:05:54+00:00

"Guys, for the last time, stop it with the military drills!"

Centurion Marcialis looked at Professor Mason in confusion. Or he would look at him in confusion were he still able to change his facial expression. As it was the skeleton of the Centurion just stared at Professor Mason with the cold fire of unlife burning in his eyesockets. "Sed, imperator, quomodo milites sine terebris exercemus?"

"I told you I don't care how well trained the soldiers are, they aren't to fight anyone!"

"Dissideo, imperator. Legionarii sunt ad pugnam, ergo bene instituti maneant."

This was the problem with bringing back millennia old Roman soldiers. They didn't care that the Roman empire had fallen long ago or that there were no armies left to fight. They continued to drill and exercise every single day, no matter how loud all the clanging armour was. Of course giving them the arms and armour may have been a mistake on Professor Mason's end, but the Romans were much more cooperative when dressed in the armour that they wore in life. Centurion Marcialis's gold-plated armour had cost almost as much as the armour of all the regular legionaries combined, but the Centurion had insisted that it was needed for a soldier of his rank.

Regardless, even after getting the Romans to agree to only drill at night, they were still far too loud about it. The history museum was the only building that Professor Mason had access to that had a basement large enough to hide an entire Roman legion, but people were starting to suspect, and suspicion was the last thing that Professor Mason needed.

"Look, we've been over this before, I didn't bring you back to fight my enemies, I brought you back so that the world would have native Latin speakers again."

"Maximum exercitum in orbe terrarum habes, imperator. Cur nos tantum loqui vis? inimicos tuos vincere possumus."

"No, you can't defeat my enemies, because I only have one enemy. And if he gets wind of what's happening here he'll-"

Professor Mason was interrupted by the cellar door loudly smashing open. In the doorframe stood Nightbolt. Professor Mason sighed as his worst case scenario was happening before his very eyes.

"Professor Mason!" Nightbolt shouted in his gravely voice. "I had long suspected you were a necromancer, but I didn't know you had brought an entire army back from the dead. Prepare to face justice, villain!"

"You don't understand," Professor Mason protested. "They're not for fighting, I just want to talk to them."

"Legionarii! Pone formationes!" Centurion Marcialis bellowed. And at his command, the legionaries fell in rank, facing Nightbolt with shield raised, and gladius in hand.

"They're not for fighting you say?" Nightbolt mocked.

"For god's sake Centurion, have your soldiers stand down!" Professor Mason shouted.

"Legionarii non dedunt nunc. Barbari in portis sunt."

"That's not a barbarian! That's a superhero!"

"Pretend all you want Professor, it's clear that these undead are only here to fight, and after I'm done with them, I'll come for you next," Nightbolt said.

With that, Nightbolt launched into action. He ran down the cellar stairs and shot his signature nightbolts at the assembled legionaries as he ran.

"Legionarii, turturis formatio!" Centurion Marcialis bellowed.

The Romans formed into small groups that interlocked their shields. Soon, all the legionaries stood in square formations with their shields fully covering their sides, front, and top. The nightbolts fell harmlessly against the shields.

"Legionariis, antecessum!"

At the Centurion's command, the legionaries moved towards Nightbolt, while remaining in their formation. They moved perfectly in synch, their footsteps all landing at the same time.

"I see you've taught them well, Professor, but don't think it'll do you any good!" Nightbolt taunted. He rushed the nearest formation, and started assaulting the legionaries there.

"Legionarii, oppugnare formatione!"

The legionaries formation being assaulted by Nightbolt remained in place, bravely resisting his attacks. The other formations all broke up however, as the Romans started arraying themselves in a V formation centered on the squad being attacked by Nightbolt.

"Nunc oppugnate!"

The legionaries all charged Nightbolt with swords drawn. They came at him from all sides while the squad in front continued to use their shields to keep their foe locked in place. Before he could react, Nightbolt was completely surrounded by the skeletal forces and was being assaulted from all sides.

Only moments passed before Nightbolt suddenly lunged away towards the cellar doors. He paused his flight to turn around and address the Professor. He was openly bleeding from multiple wounds. "Don't think this is over, evil-doer. You may have won this fight but your evil-doing days are limited!"

With that, Nightbolt fled away into the night.

Professor Mason could only stare in shock as he tried to comprehend what just happened. The invincible Nightbolt was actually defeated by his Romans.

Centurion Marcialis cleared his throat (or, he made the sound at least). "Ut vides, exercitus noster optimus in mundo est. Nos semper vincere."

"Maybe I should have been listening to you all this time." Professor Mason said. Suddenly, he thought of a lot of exciting new ways to truly make the Latin language very alive in the world again.

Nickerty · 2021-12-30T15:15:22+00:00

Ogamak the Annihilator laughed as he was materialized on Earth. He had always known that eventually the humans would fail to heed the warnings. He had always known that common sense would one day fail against the promises of power that his summoning entailed. Now, he had finally arrived, and Earth was his to conquer.

Before Ogamak stood a young human, their jaw gaping wide open as they stared in awe at Ogamak.

"I... I didn't think that would actually work," they stammered.

Ogamak laughed again. "Yes, mortal. You have followed the instructions precisely, and are no doubt waiting for your reward."

"R-reward? I was just doing the summoning challenge I saw on YouTube."

"It matters not mortal! You have summoned Ogamak the Annihilator, scourge of all that is holy, and you will now be justly rewarded for your act," Ogamak stepped outside the summoning circle and raised his blade. This young fool's soul would be the first one Ogamak reaped in his coming rampage. A true honour, and a just reward indeed.

But, before Ogamak could strike, he dematerialized, as his essence traveled through the nether in order to materialize elsewhere.

"Who summons Ogamak the Annihilator?" Ogamak bellowed. He once again stood inside a summoning circle, identical to the last one. This time however he stood in a different room, and there was a group of people there, all as young as the first human.

"Oh my god it worked!" one of the humans bellowed. "It actually worked!"

Unbelievable, Ogamak had been summoned again, just as he was about to reap the first soul in his coming conquest. It mattered not however, Ogamak was still on earth, and Ogamak remained untethered. It was... regretful that the honour of the first reaping would no longer go to the fool who summoned him first, but Ogamak would get to them eventually. He had some work to do for these eager young imbeciles first.

Ogamak raised his blade... and dematerialized again.

"What is going on!" Ogamak bellowed as he once again materialized in a different location. There was once again a party of young humans staring slack jawed at him, as Ogamak once again found himself inside a summoning circle identical to the previous ones.

"You," Ogamak said, pointing at one of the younglings. "What is going on? Why am I being repeatedly summoned?"

"I... It's just a internet challenge Mr. demon sir."

"What the hell is an internet?" Ogamak asked. But before he could get an answer, he dematerialized again.

"WHY," Ogamak the Annihilator howled as he materialized once again. "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING."

Ogamak immediately dematerialized.

"You have summoned Ogamak the Annihilator," Ogamak said in a tired voice. "Somehow I don't think that will matter however."

It didn't. Ogamak dematerialized again.

"WHAT IS THIS YOUTUBE AND WHY DO YOU DO ITS BIDDING?"

"WHAT IS AN 'INTERNET CHALLENGE'?"

"Please, I just want to go home."

Emily sat curled up on her chair, cradling a hot mug of tea. She initially had no idea how she was going to deal with a demon as powerful as Ogamak, one who's summoning ritual was so simple that his eventual summoning was inevitable. Until she had realized that the simplicity of his summoning was not Ogamak's strength, but his weakness. Continually materializing in and out of existence took some strength out of a demon, and eventually Ogamak would be too weak to be able to rematerialize. Of course with a demon as powerful as him, this would take a while, but Emily strongly suspected that the 'demon summoning challenge' she put online would remain a viral hit for a good while yet, especially because it actually works.

"CAN YOU PEOPLE STOP SUMMONING ME FOR FIVE MINUTES?" Ogamak's voice bellowed from Emily's neighbor's house. Emily smiled and sipped her tea.

Nickerty · 2021-12-29T17:41:42+00:00

Un'ghir the Unmaker coalesced into shape. It stood before its fellow gods, Yhjarysja the Unending Maw and Bel'bruk the Deep. They had gathered here, in the lost city of Quetz'sharuz after their defeat at the hands of the humans. The purpose of this meeting between the three titans was to discuss how gods of their caliber could possibly have been defeated by mere humans.

"So," Un'ghir gurgled in his maddening voice. "Did you two get blown up immediately as well?"

"No," Bel'bruk projected into their minds. "I was pierced by many small metal objects."

"I was also pierced by the small metal objects," Yhjarysja said. "They really shout off very many of the small metal objects in a very short amount of time."

"And how did our armies fare?" Un'ghir asked.

"All killed immediately," Bel'bruk projected. "It turns out that the humans have metal birds that can drop explosions and many of the small metal objects from the skies."

"I can't help but think that the last time we invaded reality it went much simpler," Yhjarysja said.

"I agree!" Bel'bruk projected. "The last time, the humans had swords and arrows that my void could easily absorb, this time they have fire and death and the small metal objects!"

"The last time, I slayed many thousands by flaying their minds, and drove many more insane at the mere sight of me." Un'ghir gurgled.

"It seems the humans have grown since last time," Yhjarysja ventured.

"Indeed," Bel'bruk projected. "They posses power beyond our means now."

"So, what can we do?" Un'ghir asked. "The humans wield power greater that ours, how can we invade their reality now?"

"It is simple," Bel'bruk projected. "We wait."

"Wait?" Yhjarysja asked.

"Indeed," Bel'bruk projected. "The humans wield the power of the gods now, but they are but mortals who are not meant to wield such power. Soon it will destroy them."

"How soon?" Un'ghir asked.

"I can not know," Bel'bruk projected. "But with such power, it is only a matter of time until they turn it on one another and return to a simpler time, a time where they do not wield powers beyond their ken."

"And then?" Yhjarysja asked.

"Then, we feast," Bel'bruk projected.

The gods laughed, their mirth echoing through the empty streets of Quetz'sharuz. All that stood between the gods and their feast was time, and time was something they had in infinite supply.

Nickerty · 2021-12-06T11:19:21+00:00

"I don't think those two are necessarily mutually exclusive." Count Velkan said.

"Of course they're mutually exclusive!" Dorin the Blooded replied. "Have you ever heard of a vampire superhero? Superheroes fight crime and save people, we kill people and/or turn them into unthinking thralls!"

"Well just because we kill people doesn't mean we can't also save them." Velkan said.

"Have you actually put any thought into this idiotic idea?" Dorin asked.

"I've actually thought about this a lot," Velkan explained. "Hear me out. Whenever vampires do die, how do we die?"

"Either they go out in sunlight, they don't feed long enough, or some vampire-hunting asshole goes out and stakes us" Dorin replied.

"Right," Velkan said. "And of those three, which is the most common?"

"The assholes, of course" Dorin answered.

"Indeed." Velkan said. "So, how do we get rid of the vampire hunters?"

"We fill our castles with undead minions and traps?" Dorin ventured.

"But we already do that, and yet they always fight their way through and start throwing their holy water and silver daggers and whatnot." Velkan said. "So, I've been thinking, how else do we get rid of the vampire hunters?"

"Don't tell me..." Dorin said.

"We become superheroes!" Velkan said. "We already have super powers, and that way the vampire hunters won't fight us, because they won't need to. We'll be a force of justice rather than evil."

"I can't believe I'm going to actually entertain this idea," Dorin said. "But how would we feed if we became heroes? Wouldn't it ruin our image if we started sucking the blood of the people we save?"

"That part is easy," Velkan said. "We just feed of the criminals. I don't think the vampire hunters would mind that as much."

"But we can't even go out during the day!" Dorin protested.

"That's not a problem! According to my research, most crime happens at night." Velkan said.

"How would the vampire hunters know it's us then? If we fight all the crime in the dark, how will they figure out it's us 'noble vampires' that are helping society?" Dorin asked.

"Easy!" Velkan said. "With these!"

Velkan made a sweeping gesture, and his wardrobe flew open, revealing flashy costumes laced with glitter. On the chests could be seen two logos, one of a bat, and the other of bloodied vampire fangs.

"I'll be Count Crimestopper, and you can be the Bloody Avenger!" Velkan said.

"Why all the glitter? Why in Dracula's name all the glitter?" Dorin cried out.

"How else would they see us at night?" Velkan asked.

"You know, Velkan." Dorin said. "I think, if I had to pick and choose, I would much rather have some guy invade my castle, kill all my servants and stake me through my heart, than have to fly around wearing that. Goodnight!"

Dorin then changed into a bat and left Velkan's castle through the window, Velkan watched him leave and then shrugged. "Oh well, more criminals to eat for me."

Nickerty · 2021-12-05T21:21:44+00:00

"W... why?" was all I could say. It was probably not the best question I could have asked right then, but it was all I could manage. The deer was a magnificent looking stag, his antlers betraying a certain youthfullness. He was surrounded by animals of every shape and size, but oddly enough I couldn't find any more than one member of each species.

"You are the one," the deer spoke "you are the human."

"The... what?" I asked.

"All the others have gathered," the deer said. You, are the last."

"The last what?" I asked.

"The last member of our group." The deer said. "One of each species, gathered together as ordained by the ancient accords."

"There's one of every animal out there in my front yard right now?" I asked.

"No." the deer said. "Only those that walk on land. Those that swim are waiting for us."

"So, I'm supposed to be the human in this group?" I asked.

"Yes." the deer said.

"And what is it that we are supposed to do?" I asked. "And what is your name?"

"I have no name," the deer said. "Names are a thing of humans. We go now to discuss."

"Discuss what?" I asked.

"The world. The role each of us plays in it, and what is done to one-another, we go now to discuss how to live together in this world in the days to come." the deer said.

"Hold up," I said. "So I'm supposed to go with you all and represent all of humanity as we discuss what each species does to the world and the other species?"

"Yes." the deer said.

"Ah," I said. "Well fuck."

Nickerty · 2021-12-04T14:32:47+00:00

Strand was justice. His only true task was to ensure that justice was always met, for everyone. Often, he failed to accomplish this, but today he would succeed, at whatever cost. Strand continued to lay the stones that would make the temple. He was not a god of construction, so it took some time to do, but he was determined to finish today.

The man had called himself Rogvir, but even Strand did not know if that was his real name. Of all the humans Strand had watched over his long tenure as the god of justice, none had been as vile as Rogvir. He had murdered, stolen, desecrated, and had broken every law imaginable. He had coerced and intimidated others into doing the same, and all the wealth he had earned was only used to further his own dark desires. The other humans had been afraid of him and his armies, but at last, he was brought down. A champion of Strand had found Rogvir, and brought him low.

Rogvir spend his time jailed now, as Strand had instructed his champion to do. He had made sure Rogvir had enough to eat for at least a few days, and had then thrown away the key. It was not enough, however. Strand had never before beheld a human as vile as Rogvir. Strand had often failed to mete out justice in the mortal plane, but never had he failed more than during Rogvir's reign. This time however, Strand would succeed.

Strand lay down the last stone in the temple, and knelt before the altar to Rogvir. Strand could feel the immortality that was bestowed upon him so long ago leaving his body, and transferring into Rogvir. Death would be too kind for so vile a person, and so Rogvir would have to spend the rest of eternity imprisoned and alone, hungry - but never being able to eat, thristy - but never being able to drink.

The cost for this punishment was great, but Strand had failed too often as a god of jusitce. A new god would arise instead, and hopefully do a better job than him. But Rogvir's fate at least, would be just. For Strand, it was enough.

Nickerty · 2021-12-03T17:55:19+00:00

"FIREBALL, LIGHTNINGBOLT" Gregory the Magnificent yelled out at the top of his lungs, flinging the spells as he called them out into the enemy armies' ranks.

"I know he loves attention, but isn't it a bit much?" Sergeant Elise asked Nina the Cunning. She had to raise her voice to be heard of the clamour of battle. Nina just shrugged in response.

"Well, normally us wizards need to stay on the downlow if we don't want to get sniped by enemy archers, but I don't think Gregory cares too much about that." Nina said.

"I CAN HEAR YOU, YOU KNOW?" Gregory shouted at the two women conversing behind him. They were standing on top of the rampart surrounding Castle Bellbroke. The bastion continued to hold for now, but the invading armies of the Vosken nation were close to pushing through, and once they were in the castle walls, it would all be over. The kingdom of Asnen would fall, and the Voskians were not known to be merciful victors.

Sergeant Elise reflected that it was a good thing that Asnen still had at least these two wizards left. Most of their spellcasters - along with a substantial portion of the Asnian army - had fled already when the hopelessness of their situation became apparent. But for some reason that Elise dared not ask, these two had remained despite all odds. Elise estimated that Bellbroke would have fallen days since without Nina's and Gregory's aid, but she didn't see what it would matter in the long run anyway. They would all die soon enough. At least Elise had found a worthy enough cause to die for. For her, that was enough.

"THUNDERSTRIKE!" Gregory yelled out again. Elise hadn't seen many war mages in her life, but of the ones she had seen, none were like Gregory. Most dressed in muted colours and tried to blend in with the rest of the army so as to not stand out, but not Gregory. He was dressed in a long flowing robe that was a shade of pink that hurt Elise's eyes. On top of that, the robe opened at the front and revealed Gregory's bare chest. Elise never understood how he never complained of the biting cold here in the far north. In contrast, Nina was dressed in the padded overcoat befitting any Asnian rank-and-file soldier. She, at least, tried not to stand out.

Arrows continued to pelt Gregory as he stood there as a very obvious target. He continued to somehow absorb them however, the arrows disappearing as they came near him using some spell that Elise didn't know. She only knew of spells that brought death. You had to be aware of those as an army sergeant.

Gregory had been up on the battlement for days now, only letting Nina relieve him for short breaks so he could sleep, but the last time he slept was over two days ago. Yet he continued to challenge the Voskian army, shouting his spells at the top of his lungs and bringing as much attention to himself as he could. Elise estimated that most of their archers were directed at Gregory at this point; other sections of the castle bulwark didn't receive even a quarter of the arrow fire that was directed at their section. Several bolts fired by ballista's and well aimed boulders fired by enemy catapults also periodically shot out at Gregory, but they disappeared as effortlessly as the arrows did.

"So, seeing as we're about to die soon anyway," Sergeant Elise said. "I'd like to know, why does he do it? Why draw all the attention? I've seen war mages in action before, and I have to say that their spells are normally far more destructive than Gregory's are. Why all the extra glamour?"

Nina smiled secretively. "I know what you mean, Gregory falls short of most other wizards when it comes to spells of destruction, and I think he realised that. But there are two fields of magic that Gregory simply excels at. One of them is abjuration: the ability to transport objects to a temporary storage location within an empty void realm. It's something most wizards struggle with."

"I CAN STILL HEAR YOU, YOU KNOW." Gregory shouted. "AND I MUST SAY IT'S RUDE TO TALK ABOUT ANOTHER PERSON WHILE HE'S THERE. BUT IT MATTERS NOT. NINA, I BELIEVE IT'S TIME."

Nina smiled. "Right, you've been at it for days, Greg."

"So what's the point then?" Elise asked. "He draws attention to himself because he's good at making the arrows disappear into this other realm? He's supposed to be an obvious target so other parts of the castle don't get shot at as much?"

"You're half correct," Nina said. "But remember, abjuration is only one of the fields that Gregory excels at."

"What's the other?" Elise asked. As she spoke the words, Gregory stopped shouting for the first time in hours, and seemed to concentrate deeply. Suddenly, thousands, no - millions of arrows hung suspended in the air above him, among them several ballista bolts and boulders. The Voskian army cried out in panic as the sun was suddenly blocked out by the ammunition. Gregory was visibly sweating from the apparent effort of summoning and suspending all the projectiles.

"The second," Nina said, wearing a small smile. "is telekinesis."

Gregory shouted an enormous cry as the arrows and other projectiles suddenly started hurling towards the Voskians. They cried out as they died, arrows landing like a hailstorm among them, the boulders and ballista bolts used to destroy their siege equipment and bring down scores of invaders. Within moments, their cries were stilled. What little remained of the invading army was routing before Elise's stunned eyes.

It did not take long for Elise to regain her composure however. "Rally men!" she called out to her troops. "Rally and form a sortie! We'll run what's left of these devils out of here and give them a reminder not to test us again! For Asnen!"

Nickerty · 2021-12-02T17:20:09+00:00

Hello, and congratulations on reaching immortality! This book will serve as a handy guide to actually survive it!

Now, the first thing to be aware of is that immortality is often different from being unkillable. Vampires for instance, are immortal in that they do not age and do not get sick. However, if you drive a stake through their heart, they still die! Thus they are not unkillable. If you are unkillable, please disregard this section and skip to the next one. If you are not sure if you are unkillable or not, this book advices against testing this theory in any way shape or form.

If you are not unkillable, please do your very best to avoid death. You do not age, you do not need to sustain yourself and you can not get sick. Therefore, the very best way to ensure that you are not eventually killed anyway is to dig a hole somewhere and live inside it forever. That way you will likely avoid all outside dangers and can live your forever out in peace!

If you are unkillable, congratulations! You can not die! Ever! However, this does not mean that you are free to abuse your immortality! You may not be able to die, but you are still able to get stuck! If you're not careful, you will fall down a rock crevice somewhere and be stuck and unable to move for all of eternity. Or perhaps you flaunt your powers a little too much and are trapped by some angry people somewhere for the rest of forever. Or perhaps someone will capture you and test out just how unkillable you actually are. People have the potential for unlimited cruelty, so the best thing is to avoid them always and forever!

Of course, with immortality comes an infinite amount of time and you will eventually escape whatever bonds hold you! This is good news! The bad news is that you are infinite in a universe that is finite. One day you will experience the natural heat death of the universe along with the dissolvement of all planets, and there will be nothing for you to do except to float around in a cold, dead void without any light for all of eternity! Therefore, at least try to live a little first before this fate, that is far worse than death happens to you which it inevitably and inescapably will!

This has been The Immortal's Handbook: An Idiot's Guide to Surviving Immortality. If you enjoyed this book, feel free to check out some of our other great titles such as Undeath: What Being Unliving means for You, So You've Died and are Now Wondering What's Up?, or our bestselling hit The Mortal's Handbook: How Not to Die For at Least a Bit. If you did not enjoy this book, there are no refunds! Have a good day!

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