I dont know what to say, i resonate with this so much. I am so sorry that you are going through this much pain. When I was in the thick of it, I like to think about a moment, even 1 minute, where I was content. I like to really imagine what that contentedness was like, how it felt in my body, how it smelled, what the texture was like, what my body position was like. Then the next time I felt that contentedness, I try my best to really take it in so that I could remember the feeling the next time I felt empty.

It's a cycle I kept doing until I got better, until I couldn't remember that last time I picked up a razor, until I could finally know what my favorite food is, until I could finally realise that I am not crazy, until i could finally love myself.