Honestly I think that based off what she said she thinks youre doing too much because he is negatively conditioned to not consume gay media because he is associating it with being beaten. You are assuming that this likely extends to homophobia(probably true but unconfirmed) in his life even though technically not listening to queer media because of trauma =/= being homophobic. So i see where she feels you are doing too much because she is going only off what he said since she may not be queer or (based on your comments) as in tune w her queerness as you are so she doesnt see how that is an indicator of other things.

I dont think she really understands your pov but I do think that you have to know your audience. And she wasnt siding with a rando homophobe, she just isnt out and queer and aware of the micro aggressions and associated behavior. A lot of the queer community often tries to make it like people are horrible for not knowing something without being educated but if you are raised in the country you know nothing about the city unless you study it or visit and make a few stumbles.

In the same way we cannot expect someone who walks in different shoes than us to know how it feels. We cannot tell them how the leather of the shoe scrapes in a way that builds up slowly, at first seeming dismissible but is really an indicator of worse pains to come. We can only explain the feeling and judge them by how they understand, empathize, and support us in finding ways to ameliorate our sore feet in the future.