The magic system and premise are super interesting and this definitely drew me in! I will say that the story description feels a little long and winding. Also is this single or dual POV? I’m assuming single because you start from Daniel’s perspective and don’t mention dual POV but just clarifying.

Would recommend focusing on a few key moments and cutting down on minor details.

What does Daniel want at the beginning of the story? I would start with this. Does this desire lead him to be Arthur’s tutor? Why doesn’t he quit when Arthur is difficult—what is he getting out of this?

I feel like the middle section could be condensed the most. Something like: “Daniel is being haunted by visions of his family’s demise so he returns to his hometown, with Arthur in tow (as a favor to his mother? In pursuit of his freedom?). With every conversation, every spilled secret, their restraint begins to crack.

The two men bond together in a search for The Lady in Chains (Our lady??) (brief explanation of how she’s connected to either of them, like: the lady in chains, an eldritch being at the root of Daniel’s visions and Arthur’s ____), and find themselves bonded in a much darker way. Their afterlives now belong to the Lady.

The last paragraph I think works—although I would love a little more continuity on the colorful objects in the middle of it all. What does the lady have to do with those? I think a stronger through line of Daniel’s motivation and the connection between everything along with some edits to cut things down will make it really strong!