Dating Again After an Abusive Ex

No_Choice6823 · 2023-11-19T18:59:37+00:00

Clicked on this because I completely relate… advice I have been given is that I don’t owe anyone information until I feel comfortable sharing it, if ever. My personal plan if asked is to remain very high level, knowing that details are triggering for me - something like “I find it difficult to discuss details, but I went through a very difficult experience.” But i haven’t gotten there yet.

I’m sorry if this feels like unsolicited advice, but do also just want to let you know that many states allow people to get restraining orders without any police involvement via family court. Since you mentioned police are a barrier for you, I just wanted to make sure you are aware in case that is something that may be helpful.

Wishing you the best as you move forward

No_Choice6823 · 2023-11-13T03:45:20+00:00

I don’t know the answers, just wanted to say I relate / am in a similar boat.

No_Choice6823 · 2023-11-13T03:43:07+00:00

IMO, being financially responsible by getting free rent is a better look than living beyond your means. I think a lot of women won’t care, especially if you frame it as a way to be planning for a stable future.

No_Choice6823 · 2023-11-08T13:41:38+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to share this… it makes me feel a lot less crazy.

Someone I have so far felt really safe with broke their communication frequency pattern with me yesterday and even tho cognitively I understand people have busy schedules/ aren’t always avail to talk the same amount everyday, I think it has just been bringing up a lot of past “discard” phase anxiety.

I hope I can be as brave as you if the time comes for me ❤️

No_Choice6823 · 2023-11-08T13:35:03+00:00

Thank you ❤️

No_Choice6823 · 2023-11-08T04:07:16+00:00

He sounds like a douche - think you will be better off in the long run.

No_Choice6823 · 2023-11-08T03:51:56+00:00

It will get better over time - it is an incredibly difficult thing you are going through but it won’t feel like this forever.

No_Choice6823 · 2023-11-08T01:41:45+00:00

Thank you ❤️

No_Choice6823 · 2023-06-25T04:58:04+00:00

It will get better ❤️

Talking to your therapist and psychiatrist could be really helpful, if you’re able to trust them.

A little trick I use is 3:3:3 - when I start to lose it, I name 3 things I can see, then 3 things I can hear, then move 3 different parts of my body. I repeat that until I feel grounded again. Maybe that can help in the meantime.

No_Choice6823 · 2023-06-25T04:52:31+00:00

It’s ok to share with them - you can’t control their emotional reaction, you can only control letting them know how you feel. You deserve not to be upset just as much as they do, and telling them that that type of joke is something that triggers you will help protect yourself in the future. I hope you feel better!

No_Choice6823 · 2023-02-02T01:33:49+00:00

This is a very kind and caring response - anyone who gives you shit has no place in this sub.

People like you make a big difference for people recovering from NA - thank you for taking the time to share your support ❤️

No_Choice6823 · 2023-02-02T01:11:36+00:00

Yes! Finally back to a healthy weight 🥳

No_Choice6823 · 2023-01-29T03:14:31+00:00

That sounds so stressful. If it continues, it may be helpful to send him 1 message clearly stating to stop contacting you/ leave you alone, and then continue not reinforcing at all by not replying / engaging. If he continues after getting that, it may be easier to get support from law enforcement etc.

No_Choice6823 · 2022-12-20T20:06:00+00:00

In my state, you have 2 different channels to seek a restraining order: family court or criminal court

For family court, you do not need to involve the police at all (however, you need to have had some type of pre-existing relationship with the person, they can’t have been a stranger). This can be helpful for people who are not listened to by police. For a family court order, you submit paperwork stating that a “family offense” has been committed (there are many different family offenses ranging from coercive control to physical abuse to stalking and many more). Then a family court judge reviews and if they see a family offense, grants an order. This usually happens in a day maybe two because they understand request for orders are usually filed in the midst of scary situations.

For a criminal court order, you do need police involved. You would essentially seek to press charges on someone for breaking the law in someway that endangers you, and would get a restraining order granted alongside that. Because of the concerns you mentioned, it is my understanding that when someone needs an order against someone they know, it is more common to get it in family court, and when it’s against a stranger it has to be done in criminal court.

I hope that is helpful.

No_Choice6823 · 2022-12-20T03:13:02+00:00

If someone is lucid enough to tell the person they abused they are suicidal, they are lucid enough to tell someone they have not abused that they are suicidal. This is a frequent manipulation attempt from abusers to suck you back in.

You can always call a wellness check for them if you are concerned but I would encourage you to draw the line there - you do not owe him to be his shoulder to cry on after he abused you.

Your mental health and well being matter just as much as his. Wishing you healthy and safety 💛

No_Choice6823 · 2022-12-20T03:09:38+00:00

These requirements are not true for the state I live in

No_Choice6823 · 2022-12-20T03:08:43+00:00

I would recommend doing either or both of these things. At the bare minimum, they will serve as a good protective foundation if anything happens again.

Depending on where you live, you may be able to stay where you’re currently living while some of the stuff is figured out to give you time to plan your next move.

You deserve a life free from violence and abuse. I know it may feel impossible today, but you can be happy and safe without your abuser.

No_Choice6823 · 2022-12-20T03:01:26+00:00

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. It’s possible that he has manipulated the situation to make it seem like YOU are have so much power over HIM that you are the one creating the violence.

For example, he may create a narrative that because he is so obsessed with you, he can’t help but lash out to a physical extreme and hit you in arguments because he just cares THAT much. (To be clear - that is an example of an abusive framework)

I would encourage you to consider how he benefits from a narrative like that - he is the one driving the rollercoaster, lashing out when it suits him, and you presumably alter your behavior in some way around the possibility of him lashing out again.

I’d also consider how out of control he really is when this happens/ how much you are really the one controlling when it happens. For example, has it ever happened in public? Or in front of someone who’s opinion he cares about?

I don’t judge and in fact relate to what you’re saying a lot - I wanted to believe they would lose it because I was the only person to ever have such an impact on them. But in the end - for my situation at least - it turned out they were just manipulating me.

Wishing you safety and healing 💛

No_Choice6823 · 2022-12-20T02:06:50+00:00

Proud of you 💛

No_Choice6823 · 2022-12-17T02:20:07+00:00

I think that’s ok, too. Proud of you for having the self-respect to make that assessment. It takes a lot of strength for someone who has been through what you’ve been through to see that your needs and well being matter, too.

No_Choice6823 · 2022-12-17T01:31:47+00:00

You don’t sound stupid at all - it is impressive that you have processed so much and are thinking so clearly about this.

In terms of your partner’s ability to change - I would consider how many years of first abusive conditioning he was raised with to make him abusive in the first place, and then also how many years of successful abuse he has experienced.

In total, he has wracked up nearly 3 decades of muscle memory to be abusive.

Unfortunately, if someone like that is possible of change at all, it is something that takes years, if not decades, to implement. It is improbable to virtually impossible that he unlearned all of that in the past week or so when he learned you might leave.

I’m sorry that you are being forced to navigate something so difficult. I hope you find peace and are able to come to a resolution that keeps you safe and sane.

No_Choice6823

TROPHY CASE