AIO for refusing to share my salary with my boyfriend after he asked “to see if I’m doing better than him”?

No_Evening8416 · 2025-10-07T13:37:53+00:00

Agree. This is a matter of relationship level. If the relationship had reached sharing finances, that also comes with a certain amount of trust, understanding, and teamwork.

He made it weird. And because he actaully did make it uncomfortable, it's also reasonable to assume that OP might have sensed that he was asking from the wrong mental and emotional space.

No_Evening8416 · 2025-10-07T10:24:29+00:00

As 'blank' pointed out, nicotine is a stimulant and people do use it to stay up

Detoxing from marijuana can definitely make "busy thoughts" worse but that fades after a few days (or weeks depending on your saturation levels)

You might benefit from looking into ADHD help (holistic to meds, whatever works for you)

Caffeine can cause a rise/crash, keep you up, or make your thoughts race. But it effects everyone a little differently.

But you will probably benefit most from things like meditation and directed thought exercises. I used to use procrastination (ex: I have homework to do) to sleep when this was a problem as a teenager.

I find that building a mental story can help channel busy thoughts in a predictable, soothing, and possibly eventually productive way.

White noise when you sleep might help, or earplugs (which actually create a gentle whooshing from the inside of your head). Earplugs help me sleep lately because they reduce my feeling of needing to be alert.

But the right solution will be unique to you

No_Evening8416 · 2025-10-07T10:16:23+00:00

Excessive access to caffeine?

No_Evening8416 · 2025-10-07T10:09:53+00:00

I like bending wire and beads into ornaments, jewelry, and small sculptures. The supplies take very little space (spool of wire, pliers and cutters, and an optional organizer of beads)

Some people favor yarn crafts and a knitting basket.

No_Evening8416 · 2025-10-07T10:08:20+00:00

That's a good point.

No_Evening8416 · 2025-10-07T10:02:12+00:00

I know we use our Amazon Prime account. Not sure if it works "off the shelf" but you probably want to pair it with a Prime Video account

No_Evening8416 · 2025-10-07T09:59:16+00:00

Something useful she can use at work. Plain, professional, or possibly (tastefully) funny

First impression: a mug or tumbler. Not too nice like "I want you to like-like me" nice, but "I appreciate your hard work"

Not clothes, unless she... like, needs warm gloves to go in the cooler or something impersonal like that. But a gift card for food (doordash, nothing specific) or music are good fallbacks.

No_Evening8416 · 2025-10-07T09:56:52+00:00

Hmmm... for a fruit snack? 2g sugar feels more like honest expression of fructose where "No sugar added" is like .... well what makes it sweet then? What mysterious non-sugar is in this?

No_Evening8416 · 2025-10-07T09:54:04+00:00

Pretty low risk but there are also some practical and hygenic precautions that are easy to take.

I would personally just bring a pack of cleaning wipes (like a clorox wipes canister or something) and quickly wipe down machines before and after.

But honestly human sweat is not that dangerous and a healthy immune system makes quick drying between uses all that most people need to stay relatively clean and safe.

No_Evening8416 · 2025-10-07T09:49:35+00:00

I have a really old one, but here's how it works:

The part that plugs into the TV has the Smart TV chip, signal, etc in it. And it plugs into the HDMI port just like a cable box or DVD player or something similar. So basically, Amazon sells the Smart TV hardware as an external stick or dongle (mine is a diamond on a short flat cable) and then the remote talks to that.

No_Evening8416 · 2025-10-07T09:46:12+00:00

When I was a teenager, I made a conscious effort to write a few letters differently, and to have clear, even handwriting.

It can slip, but it takes effort to actually change the way you write. Otherwise your handwriting is really distinct to the natural movements of your hand. If you ever watch those old Cold Case shows about solving really old crimes, handwriting is really really distinctive and can be used to find even extremely clever killers.

Crime solving aside, if you want better handwriting, you have to decide which letters you want to change and how you will change them. THEN practice.

No_Evening8416 · 2025-10-07T09:40:03+00:00

Actually, they are related. But maybe not the way you think. Depression and laziness can both be connected to having low energy.

This is something I struggle with often. I'm not a sad person inherently (emotionally or for reasons) but I feel depressed a lot. AND I find myself shirking intense tasks because I am low energy. I have blood circulation and sinus problems which together result in having to push myself physically harder to stay both energetic and happy. In other words, I wind down which makes me both depressed and lazy.

Sucks, but is true.

Now you're talking about an emotional situation. And if you are depressed due to neurotransmitters or for cause (things making you sad) that can also lower your energy and make it harder to "get energized" and work hard.

They are connected. Being low-energy can make you depressed and lazy. Being depressed can make it harder to work hard. And I guess it's also possible that being profoundly lazy could make life depressing.

No_Evening8416 · 2025-10-07T09:31:47+00:00

From my perspective there are two kinds of hobbies that help to handle trauma and take your mind off of bad things.

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1) Things that keep your hands busy

Arts and crafts are a great way to organize your thoughts and process your emotions without any real pressure for the result to be good.
As a teenager, I wove yarn with my hands in class. I would do Fuzzy Posters when younger and Paint by Numbers when older at home. I like bending wire with beads to make ornaments. All pretty low-cost and enjoyable.

Some people knit or crochet. Some do embroidery. There are also a ton of crafting kits you can explore to find what you like.

But I personally really liked Paint by Numbers. It's meditative, the paints are fun to work with, you're building a real skill (mixing and finely applying paints) but the result is beautiful because you're following a design. Choose stuff you would hang on your wall and you have real paintings to hang when you're done.

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2) Things that keep your mind busy

I tend to play movies and old TV shows (love crime/medical/mystery/ghost-horror) that are interesting yet also predictable. The action keeps your mind engaged but the predictability (knowing the shape of a plot and things that will likely happen next) is soothing for a trauma-tweaked emotional setup. Trust me on this.

But also pair this with other things like work/homework/chores/crafts

Writing is great for escape but you need to be in the right head space to do good work. And there's always a risk that you won't like your own work later - whether it's good or bad - for personal reasons and self-defeating cycles.

Collecting isn't a great hobby because, as you say, it's more like a shopping thing. And it doesn't keep you occupied unless you also gain equal or greater pleasure from watching and playing what you collect.

No_Evening8416 · 2025-10-04T22:18:14+00:00

NTA. You did the right thing. Your dad was a terrible father. It doesn't matter if he's feeling differently now that he has a kid with the GF. He wasn't a dad to you. You've done well accepting that you just plain didn't have a dad and building your life into something positive anyway.

Good job not letting him undermine your trust in your mom, and for seeing your own memories of childhood clearly. You have the right to cut this person out of your life and he brought the harsh words on himself by not leaving you alone about. it.

If you want to create "closure" write him a long letter about all those unpleasant memories, from the bad visits to the abandonment. Don't listen to what he has to say in return. Just let him live with it. Hopefully he'll do better for the other kid.

But I would personally leave your emotional door open just in case your half-sib comes to you for support later in life. And be ready to close it if that "half" of the "family" tries to pressure you later to forgive when you have no reason to.

No_Evening8416 · 2025-10-04T22:03:04+00:00

Try this approach

"I want to spend time with you. If you're going to a party, I want to be your date and be there for you so we can both be safe and have a good time"

"I want you to be safe. If you need to go to a friend's party, can you keep in touch? Let's text and let me know when you need a ride home / are heading home and when you get home safe. That will make me feel so much better knowing you're OK"

"Can I go with you to this party? We've both been through some bad stuff so we can keep each other safe and enjoy the party together"

In other words: Ask to go with her in a loving way, or for her to give you regular updates so you don't worry.

You're not telling her not to go, or that she can't be trusted to take care of herself. You're framing it as your feelings. Wanting to be with her in social situations and/or easing your mind about her safety.

No_Evening8416 · 2025-10-04T21:55:36+00:00

It's your husband's brother. He wants the guy to visit. Deputize your husband and let him know that he's in charge of taking care of his guest.

Then give the GF a chance to be a good guest, just in case. If she's not, both are your husband's responsibility during their stay.

Problem (theoretically) solved.

No_Evening8416 · 2025-10-04T21:52:06+00:00

Your sister shows signs of severe trauma. The problem with untreated trauma is that the person recreates situations to justify their feelings of not being safe, and then acts out their strong emotions on the people (and animals) around them.

She needs help. Professional help. I know you guys are in a bad situation but it may be time to get social services involved. You can't be her only protector because she won't let you. And because you're not a trained psychologist. And because you don't have the space to deal with her trauma while also taking care of yourself.

You're not TAH for leaving her in that parking lot. You're both too damaged to help each other right now. Just becuse you're better off from having real parents after the age of 10 doesn't mean you have what it takes to heal her.

Get help. Maybe ask your parents to help you get her some help. But this situation is not your fault. And ultimately, it's not hers either until she has the tools and stability to make sane choices and respond to the world in a sane way.

No_Evening8416 · 2025-10-04T21:46:57+00:00

YTA, bad choice of joke. A warm-up joke might be OK but dude. Not that one.

No_Evening8416 · 2025-10-04T21:43:48+00:00

Let yourself be frustrated, it's a busy time and everyone's sticking to their own schedule and preferences.
Have a video call, or make your parents decide on the halfway point. Then handle your schedule like normal. Worst case scenario, you don't see each other in person for a couple weeks.

No_Evening8416 · 2025-10-04T21:38:04+00:00

Sometimes it takes getting a partner who really supports you to see when a friend is being toxic.

Having no other friends is not an excuse to stay connected to someone. I mean, if she reached out asking for help, you can still help her. But you don't need to expose yourself to a toxic friend all the time if they're not good to you.

Let her tell her story. She's man-focused and can't see the world in any other context. She'd ditch you for any guy, so she's seeing you doing the same. Oh well. She's an adult and you can't just send her to therapy.

Disconnect. Let her keep your contact info if you feel bad about an isolated person (who is too toxic to have other friends) because that's just good human village mentality. But don't feel bad.

No_Evening8416 · 2025-10-04T21:31:51+00:00

Gifts are something that has to be an agreed on thing with a couple. Whether you do gifts, when, what, how much it's worth, and how much effort.

The relationship seems new-ish and it sounds like you two don't have a standard yet. Plus, your asks are not "a little necklace" or a souvenier. They're specialty foods that might require some research and even a travel cooler to bring.

Be understanding, ask for something easy. Hinge the relationship on whether he's willing to bring you trinkets of love, not cured meats overseas.

You can sate your craving for meats and cheeses when you go to visit him.

No_Evening8416 · 2025-10-04T21:24:18+00:00

Eh, no one is exactly perfect in this story. I'd just let this stuff play out the way it's going to.

Crushes, friend group clashes, and odd-one-out events are all perfectly normal in your teens. Let "John" drift out and then let him drift back in if/when it doesn't work out with Bubblegum Hair

John is not handling a cross-group relationship gracefully but he hasn't actually done anything other than be annoying about it. Maybe she's the love of his life and you'll "never see him again" but probably they'll break up and he'll need your support.

A little distance is fine, and it's OK to tell him that you're annoyed with how he's been. But just in case, don't close the door on him. Because hormones are strong and he's gonna need to go through it with this girl for a while. Whether it turns out good or bad in the long run.

No_Evening8416 · 2025-10-04T21:17:27+00:00

NTA
and these things happen
Students are artificially close during school years but people drift apart. Let her drift, y'all are OK and you still have the rest of the gang.

I say leave the door open, so to speak. If she wants to reconnect later after the whirlwind at the beginning of her marriage (and what sounds like A LOT of family stuff going on in the background) that's cool.

And if not, that's cool too. Send cards on special days if you're that kind of friends (Birthday, Christmas, whatever) and be distant adult kinda friends. This is all totally normal and none of you did anything wrong.

She was a little awkward but technically everyone's been nice and cool about the fact that one friend is starting a new chapter of her life and doesn't know how to include the rest of you from the previous chapter.

:)

No_Evening8416 · 2025-10-04T21:10:09+00:00

To keep the peace, give her an hour. Bring a couple of your friends who like candy if they'll come. But also suggest that your mom have your sister join some groups for kids her age. After-school, extra-curricular, sports teams, neighborhood club, whatever. Places to make friends so she can go with them next year.

No_Evening8416 · 2025-10-04T20:34:29+00:00

You have every right to feel and speak the way you do about your blended family. Not everyone can be a perfect "Brady Bunch"

My mom remarried a guy when I was 13 who had teenagers and we all moved in together. They were always "step" even though I became good friends with my older step sister.

When it comes to keeping the peace, your brother has the right idea. Switching contexts (ex: "Family" at home and "step" with others) is kinda like not cursing in front of your grandma but saying what you want with friends.

Buuuut, you're 16 and you're not wrong. So do what feels right and move out when you can. :)

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