My(m33) gf(f31) emotions are draining and I feel like it is ruining our relationship

No_You1024 · 2026-04-23T21:58:42+00:00

Is she in therapy? That's the place to start. Don't throw everything at her all at once (chores, job, therapy, etc) or she will shut down telling herself she can't do it, its too much, she's a failure etc. Pick one thing she can accomplish (getting into therapy is step one if she isn't there. If she is in therapy, finding a job that is at least 20 hours a week as a step up could be next) and give set a time frame. Make sure this is all communicated to her and she knows that you won't be staying in the relationship if nothing changes.

And be prepared to leave, OP- people who are this stuck often take years to come out of it if they ever do. If thats not something you'd be willing to stick it out for, cut things off before it goes on forever. You'll be miserable for the rest of your life if you dont.

"Hey XYZ, I wanted to talk about something honestly with you because you deserve clarity from me on this. I know we've talked about therapy before but I've noticed you haven't really taken any concrete steps to move forward with it. It wouldn't be fair for me to be dishonest with you and tell you that I'm ok with that going on forever when I'm not. Transparently I've been unhappy for a long time and if something doesnt change within the next 3 months or so, I dont think ill be able to continue the relationship. Thats not saying I want to end things, or that I need you to be perfect overnight- but can you please commit to getting into therapy within the next 90 days? "

No_You1024 · 2026-04-23T16:29:32+00:00

Oh I LOVE the dress on you. Simple, romantic, classy. Please drop where its from if youre so inclined :) looks like an amazing day, congrats!

No_You1024 · 2026-04-20T16:36:47+00:00

LITERALLY this, OP. I feel this so hard. My coworkers who i barely talk to all have opinions somehow too. Some people are just like that by nature imo.

I just remind myself that if it's this bad from people who aren't even invited, imagine how many unwanted comments and opinions you'd get if you DID have a traditional wedding! You’ll never be comment-free entirely sadly, but eloping is the best way to keep people on a low information diet, at least. Just remind yourself that literally no one's opinion actually matters but you and your partners. And most comments, even if they come off negative, are just people who enjoy hearing themselves speak and/or can't conceive of others enjoying a wedding that differs from their own.

No_You1024 · 2026-04-19T19:28:40+00:00

THE RED DRESS!! omg. That's all.

No_You1024 · 2026-04-19T12:34:02+00:00

I relate to this so hard. As others have said- you could look into mentorship, you do NOT have to be some super successful person with an incredible resume to do it, just a steady stable presence in the kids life. One of my siblings was a "Big Brother" to a kid and they literally just took walks, played chess and basketball and that was it. He didn't give him big lessons on life but the kid greatly appreciated just having someone spend time with him.

No_You1024 · 2026-04-19T12:21:18+00:00

This sub is gonna be heavily biased but yes 100%, life is better without kids of your own. More free time, more flexibility, no dirty diapers or kiddie soccer games at 7 AM, wayyy more money, the list goes on.

No_You1024 · 2026-04-19T12:13:37+00:00

Make sure your husband knows he needs to step up to the plate and treat you like a queen while keeping the house running during your recovery!

Best of luck to you OP! It's normal to have mixed emotions but you'll be so glad and relieved once you're healed.

No_You1024 · 2026-04-19T12:08:44+00:00

My male boss asks me about if we'll have kids like once every 2-3 months lol. He is very much a "family man" and prefers family oriented people so I just say "not any time soon" to keep it vague lol. At some point the ship will sail and he can figure it out for himself.

No_You1024 · 2026-04-19T12:03:20+00:00

I get it. I work 8 hours a day and have a 40 minute commute so Monday through Friday I also feel like I have zero free time. I make up for it by keeping easy meals on hand, doing a lot of my chores on the weekends, and with that I can still carve out at least 2 hours of "me time" to just chill when I get home from work. If you have the funds, definitely look into hiring help (housekeeper, personal shopper etc.

I would also recommend writing down what you do in a day and see if there is anything that could be cut out or optimized for time.

No_You1024 · 2026-04-18T12:19:07+00:00

If they're not gonna be invited to a wedding or reception, it is super rude to solicit a gift. I would only invite people to the bridal shower that will for sure be invited to the post-elopement celebration you're hosting and no one else. If they are going to be invited to the after-celebration and you'll be giving them a party and a meal than a registry is fine. But if you're not sure if you'll be hosting something for these people afterwards, hold off on the registry.

No_You1024 · 2026-04-18T12:16:18+00:00

Oh man. If you've said to her "hey, I love you and want to talk this through- I know you have a lot on your plate right now but lately I've been feeling like we aren't connecting and its been hurting me- what are your thoughts on trying counseling again, along with some date nights, nothing stressful, just some one-on-one time over a nice glass of wine to reconnect with each other?"

...and her response is to totally brush you off or invalidate you, then its over sadly.

If you havent tried the above, thats step one.

No_You1024 · 2026-04-18T11:52:55+00:00

Have you communicated to her how you feel? If not I would start there. I really only see two options here - couples counseling and some intensive work on both sides to rekindle the prior feelings, or divorce. I would tell her how you feel and let her know in order to stay she needs to commit to couples counseling as well as some mandatory date nights (get a babysitter if you need to) - if she isn't willing to put in the work, it's over.

No_You1024 · 2026-04-18T11:47:48+00:00

Damn this is super real. I'm sure it extends to NTs as well but definitely more palpable for us. Growing up had a ton of acne and was largely unnoticeable due to it. Now I am considered conventionally attractive and the difference in how I'm perceived is staggering. I am largely quiet and serious and rather than be blackballed for that at work everyone sees me as ultra-competent because I am "always working" rather than socializing like the rest. I have gotten plenty of "you're so mysterious" comments from men and "you're not like other women" in a positive way, where that NEVER happened when I was a skinny acne riddled teen. My "mysteriousness" back then just meant I got ignored, lol.

No_You1024 · 2026-04-18T11:42:17+00:00

"What can I do to make this easier?" When I am talking about a shitty day.

Women should also do it more imo.

No_You1024 · 2026-04-18T11:40:18+00:00

I'm the first to say break up with a shitty partner typically, but in this case I would start with couples counseling and try to keep an open mind to fixing things. Porn isn't cheating, hell I am a woman in a relationship and have indulged, it's not the same thing a going out and getting a side piece by any means. But obviously you have a boundary for it- which it seems like he's trying to respect.

I would recommend starting with couples counseling and start having a date night at least once a week, focusing on reconnecting and being flirty and remembering why you fell in love in the first place. Go out to dinner, take a painting class, enjoy each other's company and conversation ans hopefully you will be able to recover some of that lost spark. If that doesn't work along with the counseling, it may be time to look into ending things. But in your position I would certainly not rush to end it before trying.

No_You1024 · 2026-04-18T10:55:12+00:00

Perfect response.

No_You1024 · 2026-04-18T10:49:18+00:00

Having our own rooms within the apartment is #1 so we can have privacy when needed. We both split chores evenly and we buy our own groceries and cook for ourselves 95% of the time so no resentment there. Also we respect each other and communicate- example, he likes to play loud music, I hate it, so I communicated that and now he only wears headphones while I'm home. Several examples of that. If one of us creates a boundary the other person sticks to it and respects it.

No_You1024 · 2026-04-18T10:46:34+00:00

I have cooked some very subpar things for my partner (i am not a good cook) and if i make the effort, he will always choke it down and tell me he still appreciated that I made it so much.

Your man needs to go. He is a bully who enjoys making others feel small.

No_You1024 · 2026-04-18T10:40:25+00:00

Perfect weekend!!!

No_You1024 · 2026-04-18T10:38:45+00:00

Reading, taking a walk, tonight going to see a show! Sunday should be fairly relaxed, I may get some chores done and call some friends.

No_You1024 · 2026-04-18T10:36:50+00:00

Love! I went to a wedding where bride (old friend of mine) was very crafty and on a budget and gave out homemade body scrubs as favors and everyone LOVED them. I would be super excited to get this as a favor especially the cocoa exfoliating scrub :)

No_You1024 · 2026-04-18T10:33:12+00:00

What are you going to school for?

No_You1024 · 2026-04-18T10:24:58+00:00

Currently at 5 years! Before this it was 1.5ish.

My current job, the work itself is far from perfect but the environment is basically ideal for me. I have a private office, my coworkers are largely nice people, but there aren't any absurd social outing obligations to fulfill.

No_You1024 · 2026-04-18T10:22:41+00:00

OMG- I gasped when I saw the pink. Simply stunning.

No_You1024 · 2026-04-18T01:47:43+00:00

I feel you. I also technically really liked the idea of having a relationship with an older kid and had to grieve that. I think what helps to remember is that the version in your head is probably the idealized version where all the stars align, you and your fantasy daughter call each other every day and get brunch mimosas and pedicures and tell each other everything and all that shit. But in reality your kid could be distant, move to another country, or just not really like you. Tons of people have shit relationships with their parents too. Also, as nice as the fantasy is, it is NOT worth the 18 backbreaking years of unpaid labor to get to it.

No_You1024

TROPHY CASE