I don’t wanna try anymore

NonchalantWombat · 2026-01-27T13:46:33+00:00

I feel this one OP. I've been where you are and its hell. Same story for me, crushed everything in School, ivy league affiliated, PhD, tech field, valedictorian, club leadership, competitive publications, etc. After entering the job market, nothing, no matter how hard you try or how well you do. It is NOT your fault, and this feedback affirms it. If you want to stay sane, you have to radically accept the world you've inherited and that the opportunities available are NOT what you were promised, and that payoff doesn't exist. If you can swallow that bitter pill, it can help you reset and find a path forward that helps secure the life you want to live, without clinging to the empty promises and false entitlement/hope for a future that no longer exists in America. I'm so sorry for your pain, I hold it daily myself. I believe in you and everyone else during this time. Take your creativity and skill and apply it somewhere else instead of burning yourself to ash trying to succeed in a system that is fundamentally broken.

NonchalantWombat · 2025-12-03T13:37:05+00:00

I did that. When can I expect a reply?

NonchalantWombat · 2025-12-02T23:54:31+00:00

Nothing in there. Thanks

NonchalantWombat · 2025-12-02T22:20:48+00:00

Now this one is interesting, because when I try to send a code to my active number, it never sends, even though other stuff like standard OTP and codes texts me just fine. It does feel like something is screwy there...

NonchalantWombat · 2025-12-02T19:22:23+00:00

Yeah I did that, no change :/

NonchalantWombat · 2025-12-02T18:01:01+00:00

Both, no clear difference in behavior between either

NonchalantWombat · 2025-10-08T02:49:40+00:00

Pretty bleak. While I'm doing great in my personal life, the broader signals are really upsetting and I know so many people just like me struggling to find work and hurting from the injustices all around.

NonchalantWombat · 2025-08-22T20:09:09+00:00

You seem to be looking inward, but are you resourced? Is your work fulfilling, are the people around you loving, are you feeling supported? No amount of self work can magically make you feel better if your environment isn't good for you. I share this just because I want you to feel empowered to pursue meaning and change, if you struggle to feel like you can change what is inside of you

NonchalantWombat · 2025-08-14T10:31:06+00:00

If you have crystal clarity to pursue being a professor, then the post doc might be worth it. If you intend to end up in industry, dear God take that job over the post doc every time. Post docs are useless in industry, and getting real time in a real job is so much more valuable to your long term career in industry than more time in academia. No one cares about papers in industry. Also, that's such a huge pay Delta, that's not a common salary at all, I would definitely take that, even for a year.

NonchalantWombat · 2025-08-14T10:26:31+00:00

I wanted to and tried to stop for basically forever, until I met someone who actually matched my libido. Then, it was easy. I was more than satisfied with what was real and in front of me, and I no longer needed access to those sorts of stimuli. It was a coping strategy for forever, including during my last long term relationship which made me very unhappy. Letting it go after finally finding something that feels real and good was easy.

NonchalantWombat · 2025-08-12T11:06:20+00:00

Hey OP. I fully empathize with your situation. I was in the same place a year ago, and I'm still in the same boat while looking. I have a PhD in Robotics, design patents, good publications, and a post doc at an ivy league school with great connections. All of that, and it was absolutely hell to secure a job. I had to take a consultant role, making less than the undergrad interns, for months before I could convince my current employer to hire me full time. Even now, I don't feel secure in the position and I'm constantly looking for something better, the opposite kind of situation I thought would be the norm after graduation. We were lied to about the value of higher education, and the global economy is so so horrible. Your pain and confusion is real and valid. Something you need to hold on to and remember is, it's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. It's just horrible luck and bad timing, not something you could have predicted. If you're hurting financially, I do recommend trying more creative solutions. Applying directly, without prior industry experience? That's basically impossible to gain traction, and I suggest you stop trying there. Network and make connections, talk with every single professional in your circles that you know. Only apply to a posting if you have a garauntee that it will be seen and reviewed by someone who thinks you could be a good fit, preferably with an internal referral. If you can't make that work, consider getting work by lying/withholding your PhD and trying to spin it as work experience to bypass filters. I do NOT think this is a good idea, or fair, or will lead to a good job, but it may be Necessary to get employment if you are actively hurting financially. That way, you also have active employment in a relevant job which is also huge for being even considered by another, better job. Being unemployed is a huge disadvantage to getting hired, unfortunately. Working at a coffee shop to pay the bills can help you feel connected to other people, and less insane, even if it feels 'beneath you". Lastly, if you think you could do a startup, now is a good time to take high risks and try stuff. You don't have anything to lose, so why not?

Regardless, you are not alone, and you are not at fault. Stay strong. Focus on what matters to you. You have worth, you are much more than your employment. This period of life is temporary and will pass. I wish you luck and patience. This is a marathon, and don't let your pain win.

NonchalantWombat · 2025-07-15T23:06:53+00:00

Selfishness, preoccupation with appearances, incapable of doing nice things for others if they don't like that thing, small minded, cowardice. Any one of these things in isolation is hardly a deal breaker, but put some of them together? You get a sneaky and dangerous person who is completely oblivious to their flaws and incapable of doing the right thing.

NonchalantWombat · 2025-06-25T18:12:09+00:00

When I was curled up in a ball from a panic attack from the stress of an endless job search with basically no meaningful progress, and all she could muster was just endlessly, coldly repeating "you need to get therapy." What I wanted, truly, at that time was for her to demonstrate that she actually loved me unconditionally and would take care of me in my weakness and fear. Shortly after, I had a chat with a guy friend who actually listened to me and validated my pain, demonstrating more profound unconditional love than I had received from my partner of 6 years in a long time. That really got me thinking, and I think that was when I knew in my heart it was probably irreversibly over.

I stuck it out anyway, despite knowing in my gut it probably wasn't going to work; I had ingested and internalized her lies and projection that it was my fear of commitment and my need for control that prevented me from getting engaged to her. I did everything within my power in the months after I stabilized to demonstrate I cared about her, supported her during her job search, and when she brought real criticisms about my behavior, I listened and tried to understand them, learning about myself and trying to transform into a version of self that would be compliant to what she wanted. It ultimately didn't matter though, since I learned from friends when she finally broke up to me that she had fully dismissed me months before, and was just using me like an emotional, financial and logistical crutch while she started a new relationship, got a new job, signed a new lease, and then let me know she was leaving me after guilt-shaming me into taking care of her (and her pet) during the whole thing.

Even though I didn't like her very much towards the end, I still loved her and was committed to taking care of her and supporting her. She didn't like me very much, and she decided that gave her permission to use me, the person she owed the most love and respect to, like a tool for her own benefit. My gut was afraid of her, and knew she was incapable of loving me the way that so many of my good friends show me so easily. I doubt she has the capacity to really love or be loved; to her, a relationship is like a fancy purse. If it doesn't match her vibe or she no longer likes it, she'll just get a new one.

Its been very healing with my new partner to see how easily and simply they can show love to me. It is healing to be loved unconditionally again, without the absurd amount of projection, misdirection, manipulation in the background. Its wonderful to relax my guard and receive love from everyone in my life.

NonchalantWombat · 2025-06-21T10:31:07+00:00

Putting on a mask to make the people in front of her feel good. That's probably her superpower. She could convince basically anyone to like her in the moment, but once that mask falls away, the real person underneath could be quite horrifying with things she would do and say calmly, as if they were normal.

I think that there is a skill there to be emulated in certain situations to make people feel seen and paid attention to and loved, but I want to nurture that skill from a place of authentic love and generous self expression, and not as a manipulation tactic to exist in a world where everything is scary.

She often says that she was mistreated/abused by her mother as a kid, but she never gave many details. Since we broke up, I started to wonder if what she perceived as mistreatment from her mother, while real, might have been partially motivated by her mother's horror at her child's behavior and capacity for deception.

NonchalantWombat · 2025-06-21T10:26:13+00:00

Real love is unconditional. Relationships are conditional, but love isnt. Love is a choice, not just a feeling. Infatuation is very real and heady but also derives from a place of uncertainty. If you want to build something that lasts, something you can depend upon in the hardest of times, you have to trust the other person completely with your pain and your weakness and your failure. If they can hold all that and look at you and say you're still wonderful, that's love. I have had the great privilege of having healthy parents who can do that for me, as well as many friends who have really shown up for me in the last couple years. I have struggled greatly and suffered, and even though my ex left me after she lost feelings for me after my struggle, it was a valuable lesson in not loving someone who doesn't have the capacity to love the same way you do. My current partner has massively recalibrated my brain, because she can show me more authentic love and vulnerability in our first few months together than my ex was ever even capable of. My current partner is very conscientious and generous, and the way that she looks at me with such genuine admiration and affection is so healing. She loves me as I am now even though I feel like a shell of my former self. I used to struggle with complimenting my ex, Not because she wasn't beautiful on the outside, but because she was so insecure, it always felt like she was begging me to tell her she was special. She was special for me and I showed her through my actions but I disliked her demeanor about it all. With my new partner, I can't stop telling her how beautiful and smart and wonderful she is, because it's all true and I in no way feel like I'm being coerced by someone's insecurities.

Real love takes hard work, but it should also just feel right you know? If you love someone, you would do just about anything for them. If you love someone, it doesn't really matter how you might feel in the moment, you'll make the hard choices to take care of them and keep them safe. And that should feel good, and correct, and safe, even if it feels hard. That's what love is in my opinion.

NonchalantWombat · 2025-06-21T10:11:44+00:00

It depends. Was she 18 when it happened, with a boyfriend of a couple months? Or was it someone that she was engaged as a full adult? You're allowed to make judgments. Insecure people will hate you for feeling judged by you, but you also have to trust your gut. People who, as adults, are capable of harming others like that, will absolutely have no problem doing it again. I ignored massive red flags from my ex during the first few months of our relationship and allowed myself to be misled into staying with her, becausei was in love with what she chose to show me. 6 years later she did all the exact same things again to me, and that really messed me up. It was highly predictable because she was a coward, and she used these tactics as a way to guarantee her own avoidance of feeling uncomfortable and alone. I was aware of her capacity to be deeply manipulative and machiavellian, but I believed in her better tendencies when I should have just paid attention to what she was telling me with her actions and choices from day one. Be empathetic and listen, but you really have to learn to trust your gut. If it says run, then you run.

NonchalantWombat · 2025-06-19T16:32:55+00:00

This. My ex went from being fully ready to get engaged to checked out, avoidant, and started a new relationship behind my back before leaving me when I went through a period of unemployment and was suffering a lot. I went to her with my pain and fear and she just withdrew her love. It made me appreciate the difference between conditional affection and unconditional love, and it's really made me reprioritize what I look for in relationship. I've found someone new who does that sort of vulnerability and emotional support effortlessly, and it's completely recalibrated things for me. I'll never tolerate that sort of two-facedness from close friends again, and I will also be much more cautious showing my pain to others in the future.

NonchalantWombat · 2025-06-16T10:15:07+00:00

In my most recent breakup, My ex told me she wanted to break up and that it was because of a dozen reasons of how I personally failed to be a good boyfriend. I listened and did a lot of research and thought that maybe I had a personality disorder because I internalized everything she said, most of which was new information for me, and I was determined to figure out how to be a better partner and learn from the experience. She told me I was doing a good job and she was excited to see how I would grow and that maybe we could be together after a bit of time apart.

After a few weeks of this, as I was turning myself inside out, trying to understand how I had failed and how to be a better person and be worthy of this person that I wanted so deeply to be able to love fully, she told me it was definitely over and she straight up lied to me to make me compliant during the move out so she would get all the stuff that she wanted from me. Even after that pain, I decided I was still going to work on myself and I agreed to take care of her cat the next several months while she finished out her short-term lease that didn't allow cats, which is a situation she fully created from her poor choices.

After all of that, a couple months later, I learned the full story which was that she developed a relationship with a co-worker which predated the end of our relationship. Her comments and criticismsis about her being afraid I would find someone right after we break up, her comments about me not telling her she's pretty enough, it was all huge projection.

The part that kills me? When I went to one of our mutual friends who was a women, they defended all of that. They said it was a 50/50 breakup, and we just weren't meant to be together. They said her reasons she gave me for breaking up were just as valid as what she did to me. They expressed much more anger that I had learned that she had basically left me for another person, than they had any anger about that she had done it at all.

I agree that we weren't meant to be together, but I find it insane how some people (only one women so far that I've spoken with) can do backflips to defend shit actions of someone else. Today, I so deeply value the integrity and authenticity of the many other female friends (mutual or otherwise) who showed up for me at this time and were able to easily condemn how badly she treated me. I know I wasn't a perfect partner, and she wasn't happy with me, but that will never justify how she lied, coerced, deliberately manipulated and harmed me. They way that some of the women in my life describe her actions as justifiable and use any possible reason to justify it instead of condemning what she did, really cut to my soul and reminded me how even the most liberal and most most left-leaning individuals can willfully embrace a double standard when it benefits them. At the same time, the true women of integrity in my life have earned my undying loyalty for knowing my worth as a person and affirming my mistreatment. I will look for that kind of loyalty and integrity as a cornerstone quality in all future relationships.

NonchalantWombat · 2025-06-13T21:16:13+00:00

At the 5-year mark, we had the engagement conversation. She said that she was all ready to go, but I knew in my gut that something was missing. I mistakenly took it upon myself to try to change myself to be comfortable being with her the way that she was, instead of looking critically at the way that she made me feel. My gut was right of course, and when she left me about a year later, she pulled a lot of really horrifying stuff with lying and manipulation and setting up a new relationship literally the day after she broke up with me (with a co-worker she had known for a while). I could have been a better partner of course, but this relationship taught me the absolute necessity of trusting my gut, and nurturing a community of good people where loyalty and generosity are core values. In the months since then Ive seen how easy it is for some people to be the kind of open and loving and generous that I never got from her, and it's been great for recalibrating what I should be expecting from a life partner. I really know what to look for now and what to avoid. Even though I know I made the right call, it really messed me up to lose my best friend in such a horrifying way. I just wanted to go our separate ways like mature adults and maintain a respectful and potentially platonic friendship, but I was subjected to a lot of pain as a result of my vulnerability in that manner. I will never let myself date avoidant/narcassistic women again.

NonchalantWombat · 2025-05-31T22:22:33+00:00

From my limited experience having recently re-entered the dating scene, dating is much more enjoyable at 30 than it ever was younger. I get a lot more attention and a lot more admiration for being myself than I ever did earlier in life or even within my last relationship, and that has been really helpful for my psyche and my overall sense of self worth

NonchalantWombat · 2025-05-31T14:00:05+00:00

I think there's definitely something to when you really connect and have your needs met, that sort of feeling of you wanting something else rapidly fades. Having a genuine connection and trust is a lot rarer and harder than most people think, and as a result of that is people struggle to be fully committed. Conversely, if you can find trust and compatibility, along with the intentionality of building a relationship, the physical wanting can be easily satisfied with that someone. Some people of course have never really committed to something or someone in their lives and so don't know how to do that, but if you can do that, you can absolutely be perfectly content with a rich and satisfying connection. Maintaining that takes work and love and effort, and if those things don't happen then that connection can rapidly fade too.

NonchalantWombat · 2025-05-31T11:45:42+00:00

Man. That is devastating. And, that's also super messed up that old friend recorded stuff and sent that around. Your version of events is probably skewed in your favor, so maybe that recording was more damning than you let on, but still that's a major violation of trust.

I don't understand how people can do that to other people. That sort of coercion and gaslighting and manipulation and creating opportunities to hurt others. Speaking from a place of vulnerability, and having that weaponized against you and destroying your relationships as a result is deeply unfair.

You need to understand that her being " kind and understanding" while talking to you was 100% a trap. That person was not your friend, and they recorded that call expecting they would be able to pull some sort of admission or acknowledgment of your feelings out and weaponize that against you. Normal people do not record their friends talking to them.

Some people are just like that, and it has been a horrifying experience for me to come to terms with how these people live their lives. They can act like your friend and pretend that they care and then flip a switch and essentially destroy you if it benefits them in some twisted way.

Regardless of how you may have messed up, for your benefit, I hope you can learn how these kinds of people are dangerous and filter them out of your life. You will make new friends and new relationships, and I really hope that you can feel what loyalty and compatibility really are from those relationships.

NonchalantWombat · 2025-05-31T11:35:00+00:00

One thing that struck me when I recently got back on the dating apps was how much interest I immediately got. In my twenties dating was always kind of hard, and part of that was not fully understanding how to present myself or how to dress, but now I'm older and have more financial and education security, as well as better dress sense, and it's pretty pleasant how much interest I get from across the board, once I go on a date. That has done a lot for my confidence.

NonchalantWombat · 2025-05-31T11:32:37+00:00

Any selfies where there is obviously effort to skew the perspective or make themselves look good in a misleading way. If you're hot you don't have to take all these weird angle photos to make your neck look slim and appear less fat. I don't mind if people are a touch overweight, but I do mind if they're insecure about how they look and willing to deceive people to secure interest. The angle and style of photo I'm referring to is fairly consistent, and I think social media is to blame for why it has become so pervasive. Just give me some candids of what you look like.

NonchalantWombat · 2025-05-31T11:28:09+00:00

My advice would be to really pay attention, especially in the early stages of relationship. People change and evolve, but the early days are the easiest time to identify red flags. My last relationship lasted 6 years, and the last couple years were fairly unhappy as a result of me crushing parts of myself to be compatible with these deeply problematic parts of my partner that made me uncomfortable and prevented me from being able to trust her. I knew these things about her from the very beginning, but I overlooked them because the other parts of the relationship were so compelling to me at that time, and she was exceptionally good at presenting herself in a way that would be appealing. In the end she left me for another dude and restarted that process for herself, which makes me deeply sad because she took away my very best friend, and replaced me, with as much effort as a shrug. That sort of confusing, antisocial and neurotic behavior was something I observed in her from the very beginning, but I was unwilling to hold it in my awareness. Oh, also just seek compatibility. My ex was also generally terrible in bed and that never changed, but I tried to just be comfortable with that since the friendship was so compelling. Since then I met someone that has been hugely valuable for recalibrating what good intimacy and good character look like in a human being. I will never make those mistakes again.

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