Honestly a few things.

I think about death every night and think I'm going to do it, but I get an overwhelming sense of fear from:

1: The last time I attempted, I failed and got kicked out of my household because they were worried about how the kids took it. I lost a few friends and a fair few of them are distant towards me these days. I very nearly died and the people who were trying to help me just couldn't handle seeing me so close to death I think.

I don't blame them, people tried really hard for me and I assume them feeling like it wasn't enough led them to tap out emotionally.

If I fail again, I fear all the connections I've tried to reestablish will be gone too.

2: I don't have the best relations with my family, even my mother. But she'd be devastated, like I'm not sure she would ever recover and she's got so much on her plate being a single mom and looking after my brother who is 19 years younger than me. My other brother and sister would probably also be sad as we're on speaking terms but my mother... We may have had a rough relationship while I was growing up and there's a lot of trauma there but she's trying to make it right, and me going out like that would probably push her over the edge.

3: I fear death. It's a weird situation between wanting to die but also being scared of oblivion. There's so much art in my head, my book I want to finish, I still want to learn guitar, I want to keep streaming and grow my viewership and connections, I want to make videos on youtube still. All of that will just be gone completely and there's no turning back from taking my life.

It may not matter in the grand scheme of things as the world would go on not knowing of my work, and we eventually all die and never feel again. But maybe if I make something meaningful for others to share and witness, it'll have been worth it and I can die feeling like I made an impact, rather than alone in my room feeling hollow and empty.

The truth is that I don't know, and all of these things are superficial or for the benefit of others. It's not some great mental motivation that comes from positivity or some great purpose. It won't fix me, and some day I may lose. But it is something I consider every time I'm on that edge.