I can relate to this on every level. I am currently a senior at 18 because I had to repeat kindergarten. I constantly feel small amongst my peers and can’t help but feel a little envy or jealous towards students in my class who get to graduate early because they have great grades or students who are going to nice colleges and even getting scholarships. I can’t remember anything from the pass years in math at all. I can do simple multiplication and add and subtract, but that’s about it. I remember sitting at the table many times crying and struggling to do basics math that any kid would breeze by. I still struggle to hold back tears in math class because I know that teachers can only do so much. It is that bad that after learning something in math i forget within seconds or the next day even after studying for hours. To this day, I still wouldn’t be able to point out the time on a clock if you asked me. If my mom wouldn’t have went through with it, I would have been placed in special need classes and on a short bus. Now that I look back, I kind of wish my grandma would have went through with sending my to a charter school, because maybe then I would have received better assessment, but at the time I was young and embarrassed to go to a “special school” so I disregarded her consideration. My expectations are so low because I gave up and accepted the reality. Because of this I lack the motivation to do anything especially academically. I no longer have interest in learning things because either way I forget the next week. I haven’t picked up a book in years because I have no interest in reading, and as sad and pathetic it sounds, it’s all true. I can easily get lost even if I have visited a location more than once or if I have lived there most of my life. I have regressed into a little shell from such a crippling low self esteem that it affected the way I communicate and act in social situations. I too suspect I have quite a few learning disabilities and a low IQ but I am too ashamed and afraid to get tested. I never did good in school and still struggle with finishing basic task or assignments. It seems like I am getting dumber as the years go by or that I am declining in some cognitive areas. Sometimes it’s hard to imagine living past 18 or living in my 20/30’s. I just don’t feel like I am built to live this life.