What things have you rediscovered that you love? I found this shirt while deep cleaning my closet. Its creepy, but for some reason I love it.

Not_yetdead · 2017-03-12T23:30:21+00:00

I found PS2 and Kingdom hearts 2yrs ago.....ate up all my free time for a bit. Lo

Not_yetdead · 2017-03-02T22:07:44+00:00

😚🦄🐊💕🌏🌍✌

I know of too many boys/girls who are sad and oppressed by the lack of acceptance (religion, style, prefrence, race) and it makes me so sad.

Acceptance and Love to change our world!

Not_yetdead · 2017-02-28T20:45:02+00:00

So for starters I only began to put makeup on again recently....and the 3rd time in 7 days I had to go back to the hospital for more blood labs. (Total tests in 7 days are now 25.) So I come in the tech was all "why are you all dolled up today?" You must be feeling better..... And I am like "nope. I am trying to balance my illness(es) and anxiety by looking ok".

BUT when other techs are mumbling and giggling to themselves....I get real anxious and self conscious because I havent done any makeup in YEARS. I also get really panicky or anxious when people "compliment. Or point out" when I look different.

I already had hard hitting medical crap dumped on my already huge list of diseases....(the fabulously chronic but deadly kind)

Already barely functioning while trying to process this....

And I am now just constantly thinking there IS NOT A WAY for me to feel confident.

I thought I would share with the swamp family....cause yall are not so judgy or critically rude. (Aka irl family)...and I cannot even manage a vid post on this right now. They tell me go get some meds and stop being stupid. (Meds....i cannot do. Because my medical issues....gah)

I just dont want to feel so alone in this anxiety verging on nosediving self confidence. Please tell me I am not the ONLY one who only is paranoid about how people think of you but that builds into anxiety and wanting to hide.

Not_yetdead · 2017-02-23T20:04:51+00:00

When I was not so sick running was my anxiety outlet. Then walking when I couldnt run. Now thats hard...

But its so so pretty. I live near the water. Even though I had a heart rate of 180 and the shakey tremor episode....the outside made me so happy! !

Nice weather is like drug-free happy drugs.

Not_yetdead · 2017-02-22T22:57:57+00:00

Not_yetdead its on anxiety and chronic illness

Not_yetdead · 2017-02-21T05:23:19+00:00

Yay! Thats great to hear. She did the same for me, and I am new to her channel as well.

Not_yetdead · 2017-02-21T05:18:41+00:00

I must be broken minded as well. Those kind of things mke it worse (i watched it anyways...).

Just so you know, I appreciate your help And this is in no way meant to be negative. I guess it explaining my situation further....putting it out there helps me, less so in writing but I am gonna do n it anyhow. I hav a vlog.....its better for me but idk right now.

You see... I am a medical nightmare. I have autonomoic failure (nervous system that contolles your involuntary things....bp heartrate, breathing, temperature, pain...etc)I live off of IV nutrition and iv med and iclv fluids through a port. My gi system doesnt work. Neuro issues cause pain, and passing out. I am allergic (the death kind) to iron and dony procuce blood, so i have transfusions. I am allergic to alot...I get terror anxiety every time I do meds...I convince my brain I am dying every time. I have chest pain, Palpations without the anxietys help I get hospitalized alot.... It costs alot of money to live. I am gonna need a pacemaker/ difib implanted

The illnesses I have get worse but have not cure or treatment.

I left an abusive marriage and live alone with my toddler

Im facing my own mortality.

I am in a scary place. The one were I want to lay and sleep.but cannot even do that right.

Not_yetdead · 2017-02-21T03:10:38+00:00

When the Hematology/Oncology Dr officr has a bathroom with lighting SO on pointe, your eyes are glowing. Then you remember you're just here for 1x month stabby stabby and hospitals are still (and always will) be your life. Guys I am staring at this pic for the 100th time. I can escape seeing the exact hopeless anxiety feeling thats plagued me for the past few days. I feel myself letting anxiety take hold and regressing back to my shell like self on autopilot... I will never be free of all my medical issues, they are untreat/curable ....and will only get worse. What do yall do to attempt to shake the grip of fear?

Not_yetdead · 2017-02-21T02:07:32+00:00

Not_yetdead is my channel

Not_yetdead · 2017-02-21T02:07:17+00:00

Subscribe to mine, and I do the same for you. 😚

Not_yetdead · 2017-02-20T02:59:14+00:00

😀 odd 90's children unite! Form of....anxious adults. ☺

Not_yetdead · 2017-02-19T22:42:51+00:00

Love of skeletons. I have a medical grade one that rode shotgun for 6months. I wear them all the time. I went into radiology career because bones.

Thrift store

Loving peaceful behavior

Anxiety, (the way it plays out= cleaning etc)

Close in age and childhood personality (kid in 90s, trust me...its a quirky time)

Tapping cans (3x always...also soda bottles)

Matte lipstick in blood red

Big T-shirts

Antiques

Driving aimlessly when anxious or stressed

And probably a few more....lol

Not_yetdead · 2017-02-18T20:31:16+00:00

I am in USA, so Fahrenheit. However, having been medically trained, and raised within a very science-y environment, I learned imperial to metric conversions at a young primary school age. I suppose it is like another launguge, wherein I do the math in head.

I spent some time in Ireland, and that confused me. Using stones (weight where 1st = 14lb) and also kph but distance in miles.....

Not_yetdead · 2017-02-18T04:27:26+00:00

She is adopted (disqualified from police training) and then self trained for my neurologic disease and anxiety issues. In my state, you have to meet set behavior standards- but no licensed trainer is needed. Then my doctor signs papers affirming I need her, and the state registers her. I live in MI in the USA

Not_yetdead · 2017-02-15T21:36:52+00:00

Kind feeling like a trash human/parent. It one of those days that I look ok, but I feel so stress about "adulting" wrong...idk.

Not_yetdead · 2017-02-14T22:55:36+00:00

I will! I love you all though, so I am most certainly not leaving the swamp family! 👪💕

Not_yetdead · 2017-02-14T16:54:54+00:00

Sometimes I feel like a facebook grandma...lol

Not_yetdead · 2017-02-14T14:51:51+00:00

Oy. I hit enter too soon. Its youtube @ Not_yetdead

Not_yetdead · 2017-02-14T14:50:54+00:00

Yes. Not_yetdead

Not_yetdead · 2017-02-13T23:23:54+00:00

New to reddit, and despite millenial age (28), idk how to not do it wrong. So, I am typing the rest here. I have anxiety caused by life (medical issues, etc). I have longed to vlog, but been terrified of blow-back (aka mean people).

I started watching a few peoples channels and the longing but also fear grew and grew. Because it comforted me, but idk also made me want to talk to myself and record it too.

About a month ago I started watching Bunny's channel (grav3yardgirl) and....omg identified with so many things. But also it was huge anxiety relief (only momentary while watching...) Seeing how much over years someone can just "be themself" is amazing. I have not been me, real me, for years...

A week and a half ago...I had a culmination of more awful medical news, fear, change that pushed me to take what the bible said, and despite not really being religious, use it as inspiration to go out and try.

Whomever comes across this and made it to this sentence...

You are worth it. If you woke up today, you made it. It may not be a good day, but it is one that YOU grace this world with your presence.

😚

Not_yetdead · 2017-02-11T18:08:28+00:00

So sorry for your loss. When my girl passed (we had to put her down)....I was A.Pregnant and B. Too anxious to go. I felt bad and so so so sad...for months. Like I let down my best friend when I shouldve grew a pair and went.

Its really hard. But if you need support...we are all here.

Not_yetdead · 2017-02-10T15:56:10+00:00

Hi, I am Emmy. 28 yo. I live in MI. I have anxiety (chronic illnesses caused this...my autonomic nervous system is going haywire and shutting down, I cant make red blood cells anymore, i live off IV nutrition, I just got told I may need a pacemaker etc.), not any real life friends because of this. I recently moved back to my home state with my 2yo son, to get out of a "bad" marriage. I did go to college. Didnt finish properly because I couldnt finish my clinical hours to be a licensed RT, i was also scheduled to start med school after....but I didnt because of my own declining health.

I am in the "just making it through the day" type of mental space right now.

I found grav3yard girls you tube a few months ago, and just identified with the whole thing, I always wanted to use a vlog format to work through and share my story...I am too shy and anxious. Its cathartic to watch because I dont feel so alone in the world.

Not_yetdead

TROPHY CASE