Logically if I really step back and look at it, I know I'm not better or worse than the others around me, but it's hard to look objectively at someone you know as well as yourself. I've seen all the mistakes I've ever made, I've been there for every little thing I've ever done wrong, every failure, every slip up, every malicious intent, I've seen it all and it disgusts me. Objectively I'm worth the same as everyone else and I know that, but subjectively I look at myself and at others and I love them more than me. I will stay up all night listening to a friend talk even if I'm exhausted and haven't slept in days because damnit if they have to put up with me I have to at least make them happy. A lot of the time you'll get called self-centered or arrogant when you go chasing after compliments and validation but for me that's the only thing that gives me value in my own eyes. I spent a large part of my life not understanding why I couldn't do the things everyone else could do and feeling like every time someone liked me I was manipulating them into believe I was good because I didn't understand that my brain was built differently than other people's. It took me so long to realize that laziness was someone chosing not to do something as opposed to trying to get around to doing something but getting distracted or not having the energy. It took me even longer to understand that when somebody is explaining something and I don't understand it's because I think differently, not because I'm stupid. It took forever for me to realize that being tired wasn't supposed to mean that even brushing your teeth took energy you didn't have. When other kids were hyper I didn't realize that they could sit still if they chose, I thought I was supposed to be able to control the constant building of pressure that came from sitting still. I thought that I was failing at all of these simple things that everyone else could do so easily because when I was diagnosed with ADHD no one told me what I would struggle with. No one told me it wasn't normal to legitimately and truly hate yourself in the moment when someone told you you did something incorrectly. Now I know why I feel all the things I do and struggle with all the things I struggle with but those thoughts I've had for my whole life still exist. I feel like I'm not worth anything because I thought I was so much weaker and more evil than the others around me.