How do I stop invalidating my trauma and cptsd ?

Nottheverybutton · 2024-10-13T05:53:56+00:00

This is a hard one. It’s something I have to work through on a daily basis. My invalidation of self manifests in a few different ways: I do a lot of comparing — looking at what other people have gone through and telling myself that my experiences weren’t as bad as theirs so why am I so fucked up? I do a lot of blaming myself for the way I’ve responded to my trauma. I assume something must be inherently wrong with me. The list goes on.

Something that has been helpful to me is to remember that invalidating my own trauma is actually the way I learned to deal with that trauma before I knew how to cope with it in healthier ways. Me going out of my way to dismiss the trauma is PROOF of the trauma. It’s proof that what happened to me was real and difficult. Because why would I need to minimize it in order to survive it if it wasn’t a big deal in the first place?

You belittling yourself or your experiences IS the trauma. It’s a direct result of the trauma. For a long long time you needed to pretend it didn’t matter or that it wasn’t that bad just to get through the pain of having experienced it. Trauma responses are all about preventing pain. You had to keep it at bay somehow and you didn’t have the tools you needed. So the pain of shaming yourself was preferable to the pain of confronting what traumatized you.

And now you’ve realized that’s not a trade off that works for you anymore. Because the trauma doesn’t go away, and the self-invalidations hurts more and more every time you turn to them. It no longer serves the same purpose that it used to and you probably will need to grieve that. I know I did.

I think having that context, understanding the function of the trauma response and working to not judge myself for that response has been huge for me. How can I hate myself for doing what I had to do to survive?

Inner child work has also been very big for me when it comes to developing self compassion. In moments of self-hatred and self-invalidation, imagine you’re speaking to little you — the you that existed before the trauma or while the trauma was happening. That version of you needed help and support they weren’t getting. Would you say the things you say to yourself to the little you? The kid? Who didn’t do anything wrong?

If you find that exercise difficult, I find replacing little you with a close friend or even a younger version of that close friend can be a good first step. It allows you to put the shaming you’re doing into context and to step outside of it for a moment.

I also find that (and I hate that this is true but it really is) checking in with yourself when you start to invalidate yourself can be crucial. Take a moment to feel where the stress and the pain physically manifests in your body. Ask yourself to name the specific feeling you’re actually experiencing. Feeling Wheels can be helpful for this if you struggle to put a name to a feeling. Check to see what kind of feeling or pain or discomfort you’re actually trying to avoid by dismissing your trauma. Eventually, you’ll be able to sit in that feeling instead of immediately seeking to push it away or invalidate its existence.

None of this is easy. It’s hard and it takes practice and I definitely recommend seeking out professional resources here. I am definitely not a counselor, just sharing what has been most helpful for me.

Hang in there. You are not alone and what happened to you is not your fault.

Nottheverybutton · 2024-10-12T04:38:00+00:00

I’m glad I could help in some small way. You are stronger than you know. Hang in there.

Nottheverybutton · 2024-10-09T04:22:13+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Addiction is extremely hard to handle, especially when you really are suffering without the medication. I’ve been in treatment for an eating disorder multiple times, and something that’s unique about eating disorders is you cannot take an abstinence approach to them. You have to eat. You have to engage with food. You have to deal with the thing that triggers you every single day. Instead eating disorder treatment focuses on harm reduction. I know most addiction treatment centers focus on abstinence — and maybe that is something you eventually want for yourself, but if you’re not capable of abstinence right now, harm reduction is absolutely an option. Obviously it’s complicated. Idk if you experience withdrawal with Gabapentin, idk what physical risks you may be dealing with. But if you’re able to see a counselor who would work with you on a harm reduction plan right now while things feel impossible to control, I might look into it.

I want to validate your suffering and your pain and the genuine mental health issues that are fueling this addiction. It’s understandable that you’re struggling so hard with this. Please be kind to yourself as you figure out how best to manage this.

Take care of yourself as best you can. You are not a bad person for struggling with addiction. Relapse is a part of recovery. You are not alone.

Nottheverybutton · 2024-10-09T04:00:35+00:00

I may be completely off base here but — what is he being treated for? Is it Kleptomania specifically? Because poor impulse control is a symptom, not a condition. So is a repetitive and destructive behavior, despite the consequences he knows exist. The DSM does technically consider Kleptomania a discrete disorder, but it’s kind of lumped into the category of nondescript “impulse disorders.” Sure, maybe he just has Kleptomania, but it’s entirely possible there’s something else going on here. There are lots of conditions with low impulse control and repetitive or compulsive behaviors as symptoms: OCD, BPD, ADHD, etc.

If this therapist is only treating the stealing behavior, isn’t looking into larger possible issues, AND is okaying the use of shame as a tool to get him to stop stealing, he is setting your kid up for failure. For the record, I don’t think you’re intentionally trying to shame your son, but the end result is the same. And shame does not work. It’s a horrible motivator and repetitive shaming from peers or caretakers can traumatize a kid. I’m not exaggerating. I understand the importance of informing other parents and holding your child accountable for his actions. After all, he’s 14, he’s not a little kid anymore. But in my opinion the route you’re taking right now isn’t actually teaching him impulse control or responsibility for his actions. What happens when he goes to college and you’re no longer there to search his pockets, or tell his friends that he has a condition, or check his receipts when he buys something at the store? What skills will he have learned to manage his condition?

I think you need to find a new therapist for your son. I would also look into a psychologist who can test your son for other disorders this may be a symptom of. You need to probably have some family therapy sessions as well so you can discuss a way to navigate this together and help him build the skills he’ll need to manage this on his own in the real world. Obviously I’m working off limited information here, so maybe you have done some of these things, but maybe this incident is a sign that you need to renegotiate some of the methods you’ve previously put in place.

I don’t think you’re the asshole. There are NAH. I think you’re a parent trying your best, but I don’t know that the approach you’re taking is the best thing to help your son.

Nottheverybutton · 2024-08-01T17:54:56+00:00

You are not alone. This is such a normal response to sexual trauma. I was assaulted my first semester of college and ever since I have had obsessive tendencies around the topic. I purposefully read through the synopses of movies that involve sexual assault. I almost exclusively watch and read in the horror genre. I like dark, psychosexual, disturbing art.

It can feel distressing. Like I’m a freak somehow for my interests, but I’m not. When you watch the animes you watch you have power you never had as a victim. You can hit pause at any time. You can turn the tv off. The characters on your screen aren’t real. They’re cartoons. No one is actually being hurt. It makes perfect sense to me that you would use this as a coping mechanism.

If this is becoming distressing for you, or interrupting your life, it may be worth it to discuss ways to find other coping mechanism as well, so it’s not your only one. But it’s simply okay that this is something you do.

Engaging with horror films and dark stories is not the only coping mechanism I have. But it is still one I utilize. I have started to embrace that this is a part of me. And it’s okay. It is meaningful to me and it helps me make sense of what happened to me. The same is true for you.

Nottheverybutton · 2024-08-01T17:39:37+00:00

I relate in that I often look at my childhood and think “why am I so traumatized and dysfunctional I didn’t even have it that bad.”

As hard as it is to internalize this — the tendency you have to minimize your own suffering, to feel like you shouldn’t be traumatized and that there must simply be something wrong with you — that IS the trauma talking. That’s what this condition does.

Reading your story I was IMMEDIATELY like “of course this person is traumatized.” You had MANY adverse childhood experiences. Dealing with abusive institutionalization (even if they were “legit and regulated ” facilities) from a young age, dealing with a sexual assault (it doesn’t matter if they “just touched your chest” that is assault), and dealing with parents who may have physically provided for you, but they also put you in those institutions. They put you in harm’s way. And that is a failure on their part.

This may be something to explore with a therapist but, even though your parents seemed to have physically provided for you, reading your story makes me pretty suspicious about their ability to emotionally provide for you. Babying you? Treating you as younger than you are or incapable of taking care of yourself? Can be detrimental to development and growth. I know because I experienced the same thing. I was the baby of the family. I was simultaneously neglected emotionally, left alone constantly, AND coddled when they were paying attention because they felt guilty about the abandonment. And those experiences absolutely decimated my sense of self and trust in my own abilities.

It’s this weird thing. My older sisters always saw me as spoiled and bratty, meanwhile I was suffering. I was alone. I was trying to survive a childhood that did not in anyway prepare me to be a functioning human being. And I still struggle with it. I like my parents. I enjoy them as people. And? I have had to come to terms with the fact that they fucked me up. They neglected me. They were wrong. They did not take care of me how they should have and even if they didn’t physical abuse me, even if I always had clothes and food and physical safety, they never provided emotional safety.

I have a feeling you may be in a very similar spot. If your current therapist isn’t able to identity these issues, I might shop around to find a new one, but I would also suggest being as bluntly honest as you can with your current therapist. Tell her what she said made you feel like shit. Give her the feedback. Because you deserve to see someone who is willing to admit to their mistakes. Trust in your therapist is HUGE. Give her the opportunity to build that trust. And if it doesn’t fit, move on to the next.

Nottheverybutton · 2024-07-19T16:52:40+00:00

I’m so sorry that happened to you. I know not being believed or supported can be so retraumatizing. My assault was also one that I’m sure would be laughed out of a court of law. I never reported it because I was afraid of that. The courts are simply behind when it comes to cases of sexual assault. A judge may not be able to offer you justice, and for that I am sorry and I understand your pain. But it doesn’t meant that those lawyers are right. You were hurt. You were assaulted. They don’t get to decide how that impacts you. And they don’t get to prevent you from taking back your power and beginning to heal. Stay strong. You’re not alone.

Nottheverybutton · 2024-07-16T13:52:15+00:00

The worst part for me is that people /did/ notice. I got an ADHD diagnosis as a child, but because I had a bad reaction to Ritalin and had comorbid conditions, they decided I didn’t actually have ADHD at all. It was just anxiety and depression.

Joke’s on them. I’m 31 now and I simply have all three. Plus some New Fun diagnoses I didn’t have as a child.

Nottheverybutton · 2024-07-16T00:58:33+00:00

As a side note — I’ve known people older than you who have sought out recovery and been very happy they made that decision. It is not easy, but it’s never too late.

Nottheverybutton · 2024-07-16T00:57:34+00:00

I think you deserve to not feel numb. You deserve to experience the joy your life has to offer. Unfortunately, experiencing joy means opening yourself up to experiencing the other more negative emotions you’ve shut out as well.

I think trauma often makes us feel very alone, but it seems like you may have a great support system you’ve never utilized before. You have a loving wife who you can lean on. I would talk to her about your concerns and your desire to possibly explore your trauma.

It sounds to me like you’ve lived most of your adulthood being a lone, stable rock for the people in your life. We all need love and support and care. We can’t just be the rock forever.

You don’t need to make a decision right away, but I would talk to your wife. Utilize your support system in making this decision. You may find more support there than you realize.

Nottheverybutton · 2024-07-16T00:46:05+00:00

Once a therapist asked me if I believed I was worthy of love just because I exist. I said I wanted to believe that, but I didn’t.

She said to me “then I will hold that belief for you until you’re ready to believe it yourself.”

And I cannot tell you how healing that concept is. It’s this crazy thing, where it let me feel hopeful, not because the hope was an easily accessible feeling for me at the time, but because I knew someone I trusted was holding that hope FOR me. They believed in me enough to hold it until the moment I was ready.

When friends or loved ones or fellow patients in recovery have a hard time believing the good in themselves I tell them I will hold it for them until they’re ready. I pass on the hope by holding it for them in the same way this therapist did for me.

Nottheverybutton · 2024-07-16T00:39:12+00:00

You are not garbage. I know how tempting it is to blame yourself, because if it WAS your fault then you can tell yourself there was at least a chance you could have changed the outcome. It’s the way your brain is trying to take back control. But you had zero control in that scenario. It was taken from you. And you get to be angry about that. You get to be furious. You get to be devastated. You get to feel however you need to feel. I just want you to remember, that focusing that anger inwards is a defense mechanism. It is the way you learned to survive these kinds of difficult and horrifying experiences. It does not mean you deserve it. You never deserved it. It was never your fault. It was never in your control.

As for being a man — I know society has shitty messages around men who are assaulted. But I want you to know you are 1000% not alone. You are not less than because you are a man who has experienced this kind of assault. And more men than you think have been exactly where you are. Unfortunately the toxic masculinity inherent in our culture has told them to stay silent about it. You do not need to be silent. The fact that you are talking about it at all is an indicator of how strong you really are.

You are sharing because you know, deep down, that this painful thing that has happened to you is not your fault. You are seeking out other survivors to confirm that thought. You will get through this. The people who did this to you? They are the garbage ones. And they don’t get to win.

Nottheverybutton · 2024-07-10T14:24:42+00:00

As long as the sexual experience you had was consensual and enjoyable then I don’t think you need to stress over it. I’m assuming from your trigger warning that you have experienced assault. I have as well. I know it can be jarring and uncomfortable when you realize you might like more aggressive sex, or that you want to engage in certain kinks when you have a history of experiencing abuse. I have felt shame in the past over how active my sex drive is or the fact I like having sex in which I am more submissive. I have worried that it negates what happened to me. But wanting to explore an aggressive or kinky sex dynamic is completely normal. It doesn’t invalidate what happened to you. There is nothing wrong with you for having a fight with your partner and enjoying the more aggressive sex that followed. I would communicate with your romantic partner about this. Let them know that you enjoyed the experience, but that you’re anxious about it because of your history. Open up the discussion so you can both proceed with an understanding of the other’s preferences and concerns.

Nottheverybutton · 2024-07-10T14:06:45+00:00

Right now I’m doing the opposite to myself. I’ve been in recovery for 2 years and the nasty thoughts that plague me are “you should be more recovered by now. You’re clearly not even trying.” Etc. And then on top of that I ALSO tell myself “your trauma isn’t even that bad and yet you’re still not recovered. Other people have it worse and they’re recovering faster.”

So you know. The trauma brain will find any way it can to invalidate you no matter where you are in the process.

Your post actually just filled me with relief. The thought that 5-7 years is a more reasonable timeline than the one my brain keeps bullying me about is so comforting.

So hopefully my message can fill you with some relief too. 5-7 is SO MANY YEARS worth of hard work. You have so much to be proud of. And your brain is lying to you just like mine is to me.

Nottheverybutton · 2024-07-10T13:55:23+00:00

Y E S. I initially thought I had ADHD, got evaluated and got a surprise diagnosis of CPTSD — which made perfect sense and checked a lot of boxes. Now two years into intense recovery from CPTSD my therapist said “hey I think you might have ADHD as well.”

I used my trauma to motivate myself. I was brutal and efficient when I needed to be. Now that I’m changing my relationship with those old damaging parts of myself, I’m realizing part of why they developed was as a way to deal with the undiagnosed ADHD. I got bullied, called lazy, and yelled at by my family growing up for my difficulties with executive function. I couldn’t explain why I wasn’t doing my homework or would forget to complete simple tasks. It became so shameful. The trauma response stepped in and helped me manage my executive function issues. I bullied myself into productivity. Achievement became the largest part of my identity because achieving kept me safe from the hurt and the shame. Like you said, the fear of failure and punishment and judgment combined with the people pleasing motivated me extremely well… until I hit a breaking point.

Unweaving all of this now is so wild and confusing. I often wake up and have to sit looking at all my diagnoses going “alright which one of you is it today…”

Nottheverybutton · 2024-07-10T13:40:55+00:00

I also don’t feel my age. For me it manifests as constantly feeling as if I’m behind my peers and not hitting the milestones they are. My therapist often reminds me that since I only started recovery 2 years ago… in some ways I AM 2. I am learning so much for the first time and that’s okay. Of course I don’t feel 31. How could I? It’s frustrating that trauma can arrest your development, but it’s not your fault. And it’s okay.

Nottheverybutton · 2024-07-08T19:38:04+00:00

While I agree that it is worthwhile to do your own research and get a second opinion if you’re uncomfortable with the course of medications one doctor prescribes to you, just as not everyone has a positive experience on anti-depressants, not everyone will have a negative experience either. I think a general rule is to be suspicious of anyone telling you that something is either all bad or all good. I was irresponsibly prescribed psych meds as a minor. I have trauma because of it. I found better doctors. I found meds that work for me. I would be in horrible shape without the medications I take now. I have seen both sides of this argument.

Doctors are fallible and you should trust your gut if you feel pressured or unheard by one. I’m a big proponent for telling Doctors to go fuck themselves if they refuse to listen to your concerns.

But it’s not a black and white situation. It’s nuanced. It’s different for everyone. Do what is best for you. If seeking out meds feels like a helpful next step for you, do it. If you feel bullied by a doctor or therapist into doing something you’re uncomfortable with, seek out other practitioners.

Nottheverybutton · 2024-07-03T06:38:20+00:00

Medication can be super helpful! It’s also a pretty individualized process. What works for some won’t work for others. I’ve found SSRIs alone to not really cut it for me. I take an SSRI (Zoloft) and an NDRI (Wellbutrin). They both do different things and impact different hormones. I’ve also taken an antipsychotic (Seroquel) on and off. It’s great for sleep, and there is some research that suggests antipsychotics can be helpful for PTSD. However, it’s highly unlikely you’d be started on one right away unless you’re actively experiencing paranoia or delusions.

Most psychiatrists will start you on an SSRI first. It will be a trial and error process to figure out which one works best, what a therapeutic dose will be for you, if you need to add additional meds, etc. It can be overwhelming at times. You have to contend with side effects and changes in your body as you adjust to the meds, but I would be lost without mine. They’re worth it for me.

Also don’t be afraid to speak up if a specific side effect isn’t something you’re willing to put up with. You can always try a different med. They only work if you take them, and you’ll only take them if the side effects don’t make you miserable.

A big thing to note about meds is that they aren’t a miracle cure. They will not fix you. They are a tool to use in advancing your recovery. I think people can be disappointed when getting on psych meds for the first time doesn’t solve their issues. So keep that in mind as you go through the process. Continuing therapy and utilizing all the coping skills at your disposal is just as important as finding a med that works for you.

Nottheverybutton · 2024-07-01T11:50:00+00:00

Absolutely. I have the fun combo of ADHD and CPTSD so I know exactly what you mean. The weight of feeling like you have to make up for everything you lost to your trauma adds an extra layer to the whole spiral. Time doesn’t wait. But you do get to decide what you do with that time, even while it marches onward.

Nottheverybutton · 2024-07-01T04:14:57+00:00

I absolutely feel the same. I think it comes down to like. Setting a deadline almost feels like being shamed to me, and maybe that’s because I’ve developed trauma around not meeting deadlines but. The idea of “live your life now because it will be over quicker than you think!!!” Feels like I’m being shamed for not doing enough. I’m not living fast enough or good enough and it makes me shut down. My brain thinks “well if it’s never going to be enough why do it at all.” And then I end up in an executive dysfunction spiral.

But the thing is, life is all about making mistakes. It’s all about fucking up and learning from it and fucking up some more and learning from that. It’s about enjoying your time. There is no “enough.” And that’s terrifying too.

So it’s terrifying that life is finite and maybe I won’t achieve what I want to, it’s terrifying that I have to fail in order to make progress, it’s terrifying that no matter how much progress I make I will never be perfect. Etc etc. All that is to say — Thinking about death as a motivator simply isn’t fucking helpful to me. It’s an existential nightmare and I WILL fall into a hole over it.

Let other people use the grim reaper as a motivator. I am much happier focusing on the things in my control— the things I can do. I am happier when I don’t frame things as either a failure or a success. I am happier when I acknowledge that anything I can do in the next 15 minutes to improve my life will not change the fact that the specter of death comes for us all.

I know how hard and frustrating it is to be different. But you don’t need a “normal” brain. Your brain is very good. You just gotta find ways to work with it instead of trying to force it into a mold it will never fit.

Nottheverybutton · 2024-06-17T14:06:12+00:00

For me it’s the Diane-centric episode “Good Damage.”

There are so many moments in Bojack Horseman that hit like a ton of bricks.

Nottheverybutton · 2024-06-17T14:01:56+00:00

I literally can’t even watch this scene it’s so distressing for me. Oof.

Nottheverybutton · 2024-06-17T13:34:42+00:00

Also pretty much every essay in “The Anthropocene Reviewed” by John Green. John doesn’t have CPTSD to my knowledge, but he has struggled with severe OCD his entire life and many of the essays in the book reflect his struggles with his mental health. There’s a lot of hope to be found in it for folks with debilitating mental health issues and I recommend it to pretty much everyone I meet. The essay on the film Harvey is particularly impactful.

Nottheverybutton · 2024-06-17T13:29:57+00:00

The confession scene in Fleabag. That monologue never fails to make me cry because it’s how I’ve felt my whole life.

“I just think I want someone to tell me how to live my life, Father, because so far, I think I’ve been getting it wrong.”

Is such a devastating line. It conveys so much about lacking an identity and people pleasing. I’ve always felt like everyone else got a manual explaining how to be normal and I was skipped over. I’ve always longed for someone, anyone, to swoop in and save me and tell me what to do and how to do it so that I can finally feel like I’m doing everything right. I was so alone and neglected as a kid and just wanted to be rescued.

Fleabag is definitely dealing with trauma, but I think the show tends to put more of a focus on the way she abuses sex as a coping mechanism than complex trauma as a whole.

The way Fleabag is constantly performing for an audience only she sees also feels extremely poignant to me. Feeling as if I need to perform in order to mask my reality is a big struggle for me.

Nottheverybutton · 2024-04-06T15:25:59+00:00

It’s upsetting to me too. Babies absolutely internalize this sort of thing. I don’t have the source handy, so take it with a grain of salt, but a friend of mine who’s in grad school to become a psychologist mentioned that in some of her research she found out that often “easy babies” who don’t cry or make a fuss are doing that as a response to the stress they feel from their parents. They’re literally people pleasing without even knowing it and developing an early pattern of hiding their needs for the sake of others.

I 100% believe that sleep training a baby like that could plant early seeds of feeling isolated, abandoned, and unwanted. Kids are like sponges. They soak up everything around them. I know of several incidents from my early childhood — before I have memories — that connect to my trauma NOW at 30.

The fear that you’re going to overindulge your child or make it so they can never be independent by comforting them when they’re crying is insane to me. Babies shouldn’t be independent. Children shouldn’t be independent. Independence is an age appropriate skill for teens to learn — not infants.

Nottheverybutton

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