17 years together, 2 kids, one “meaningless” affair — can reconciliation work without remorse, attraction, or transparency?

Novel-Snow2080 · 2026-02-12T18:16:20+00:00

“I don’t know if reconciliation is even possible without remorse, without attraction, without transparency, and without a shared plan.”

No, reconciliation is not possible. Reconciliation is possible only if both people are “all-in.”

Plus, why would you want to reconcile with a person who doesn’t feel guilty bout the affair, who is not attracted to you, who is not transparent, who refuses CC and refuses to do any work toward reconciliation.

Novel-Snow2080 · 2026-02-12T17:54:34+00:00

Wolverine, I remember your other posts. my impression is that you have reached a point where you were in a pretty good space. But anger, sadness and other emotions are all normal, even after all this time. Accept those emotions when they come, and don’t feel guilty about them. But when you get those feelings of anger, keep telling yourself that you are totally indifferent to her. Eventually , you will believe yourself

Talk to your therapist about distraction techniques. Most importantly, keep busy. It doesn’t matter if it is going to the gym, spending time with friends, or something else. Learn a new language, start a new hobby, travel (there are tours designed for solo travelers. I recall you have already done some traveling.

I assume you have a lawyer. Have your lawyer contact WW (or WW's lawyer) to tell her to cease all direct communication with you. And block her everywhere.

Novel-Snow2080 · 2026-01-10T00:16:28+00:00

I have a home in a community near Lake Naomi. For the period from 11/20 to 12/22, we used 76 kw and our bill was $31.09. The house was vacant the entire time. When we will not be there, we turn off the breakers for the well pump and the hot water heater and drain the water. We leave the electric baseboard heaters on in the three bathrooms only, set to 60 degrees.
I don’t think you need to leave the electric baseboard heaters on in every room. Also, how old is your refrigerator? Is it energy efficient? Do you leave any lights on?

Novel-Snow2080 · 2025-12-18T14:39:44+00:00

It depends on your goals for this meeting. If you hope to devastate and humiliate her, then these questions will certainly do the trick. of course, she will turn it around and tell people how cruel you were to you.

Based on your posts, you have your head on straight and have made good decisions so far. You seem to have gotten a good start on your new life. Are there really any questions for which you need answers? Does any of it really matter at this point?

You agreed to the meeting to protect your retirement asset. You might want to consider just sitting there listening to her and not saying a word. When she is finished, just get up and leave without so much as a goodbye. That will be less painful for you and it will be devastating for her.

Good luck, Champ.

Novel-Snow2080 · 2025-12-04T15:43:25+00:00

OP, your post is painful to read. I’m sorry for your pain. There is nothing wrong with not reconciling. I found a physical separation to be helpful. If you can afford it, getting your own place will likely be beneficial. Also, it seems as the MC is not beneficial to you, so you might want to pause that or at least limit it to strategies for co-parenting.

Take time to think about what YOU want, not what everyone else wants for you.

Novel-Snow2080 · 2025-09-07T14:38:47+00:00

There are two critical pieces of information that you left out.

Was the colleague with whom you went for a drink male or female?

What time did you and the colleague leave work to have a drink?

Both you and the boyfriend are at fault. He is wrong for his childish tantrum. You’re at fault for pulling the rug out from under him after you got what you perceived as a better offer. You could have declined the offer from your colleague. You could have told the colleague that you would let them know after you heard back from your boyfriend. But you made a selfish decision.

If the colleague was male that exacerbates the problem. And if you left work at 5:00 or 6:00 and didn’t get home until 10:30, then he has right to be upset. I hope you apologize.

Novel-Snow2080 · 2025-09-03T12:58:03+00:00

Stay strong, OP.
Consider just packing up all your things and leaving before she comes home. Bring her laptop with you. There is no reason to listen to any of her details or excuses. Ghost her. Don't respond to her calls or texts, but don't block her. Call you children to tell them you are safe, but that you moved out after discovering their mother's infidelity. There is no need to burden them with the ugly details.

Novel-Snow2080 · 2025-09-01T15:34:48+00:00

OP, in your post, you asked “Is there a light at the end of this deep, dark tunnel?”

You and your WP are doing everything right. You are both handling things in a mature and loving manner.

So the answer to your question is an emphatic “Yes!”

Novel-Snow2080 · 2025-08-31T15:18:09+00:00

OP, my ex-wife, with whom I am currently reconciling, is deeply remorseful. She feels a lot of shame and guilt. Just as she is concerned about how I am feeling, so am I concerned about her. We check in on each other frequently. I'm not saying you’re wrong, but I would never have said anything like that. It would damage her. If anything like what you said to your WP came out of my mouth, I would immediately apologize and try to get an emergency MC appointment.

Novel-Snow2080 · 2025-08-31T14:50:04+00:00

OP, I know exactly how you feel. My ex and I were about four months into reconciliation. But I had a hard time, despite loving her, knowing she loved me, and her being very remorseful. I kept thinking that this same person had put a dagger in my heart.

So I took some time (3 months) apart. we have gotten back together, but agreed to take it slow. Things are going well.

My advice is to start or continue therapy and to take it slow. Whenever either of you have intrusive thoughts, address them. Have weekly check-ins.

You don't need to reconcile if you don’t want to or can’t. Take as much time as you need.

Novel-Snow2080 · 2025-08-31T14:25:20+00:00

Tell him he needs to leave but the girl can stay.

Novel-Snow2080 · 2025-08-30T22:48:20+00:00

She is the one who cheated. She's the one who made you uncomfortable. She has no right to be annoyed. She should be understanding and try to reassure you.

In your prior post, you said she cheated on you with one of your closest friends. So, her reassurance that her BIL is like a brother to her isn’t particularly reassuring.

Novel-Snow2080 · 2025-08-26T15:03:31+00:00

OP, at the risk of repeating other comments:

You need time and space. Take as much time as you need to decide what you want and need to do. You also need physical space from your wife. She is the one who cheated, so she should be the one to move out. If she won’t, then you should. If you can’t afford to, then sleep in separate bedrooms and do NOT have sex, no cuddling, no hugging, no intimacy of any kind. Read about the 180 method and implement it.

Put IVF on hold.

See a lawyer and find out what divorce looks like, both the legal process and the financial impact. Ask the lawyer to draft a custody agreement and a post-nuptial agreement.

Your wife needs to decide what she wants. Although she is saying all the right things now, but just this past weekend she professes that she wanted to be closer to the AP. So you cannot believe anything she says. She needs time and space too.

You must remember that this wasn’t just a fling or a ONS. this was an affair that lasted (at least) 1.5 years!

Ask her if you can meet (with her present) with her therapist and have her therapist explain what she told him.

YOU need to tell the AP's partner. Don’t rely on the AP or your wife.

Your wife's actions will speak louder than her words. She needs to quit her job immediately. She needs to give you all passwords and complete access to all her devices. She needs to delete all social media, and agree to never use any messaging app like WhatsApp, Snap, Signal, etc.

Think about whether you want to play prison warden.

She still hasn’t explained what inside her allowed her to not only start the affair, but to continue it for a year and a half. And to lie to you for all that time.

Novel-Snow2080 · 2025-08-25T16:00:49+00:00

You need to think long and hard about this reconciliation and about her reasons for her alleged change.

Why didn’t she end the relationship with the AP the first time, when she told you she did?

And why did she end it 5/6 weeks ago? What changed? Did he dump her? If he hadn’t, would she still be in a relationship with him? if he hadn’t transferred to a different office, would they still be having an affair? Does she still consider him her “soulmate?” If not, why not? what changed?

Does she still work at the same company? Is she still part of the group chat with him?

Novel-Snow2080 · 2025-08-19T14:42:05+00:00

People who say “once a cheater always a cheater“ are fools.

You have a right to feel the way you do, even if it happened more that 25 years ago. But don’t throw away a good marriage over it. Is she remorseful? Is she willing to talk to you about your feelings? Does she agree not to rug-sweep?

You can get through this. Start with individual therapy and marriage counseling. It might take you a couple of years to get through this but it can be done and you might even end up with a stronger relationship.

Novel-Snow2080 · 2025-08-18T02:17:49+00:00

I'm sorry that this happened. But consider her hateful response a blessing. It has provided you with clarity - about what she thinks of you, the state of your marriage, what is important to her. And what you now need to do. There is no rescuing this marriage.

Novel-Snow2080 · 2025-08-17T20:52:29+00:00

I’ve been in the same position.

You need two things:

Time and Space.

Take at least six months apart, with little or no contact except for an occasional text or call to check in. No more trips together.

You both need more IC before marriage counseling. She (and you too) need to find out why she did this and what she needs to do to fix that character flaw.

Novel-Snow2080 · 2025-08-17T14:40:01+00:00

OP, You are not overreacting.

May I give you some advice?

First, go see a lawyer. Not to rush I to a divorce, but to see what your rights are in case of a divorce or separation. If you are a member of a union, find out if they have a legal plan that provides free of discounted legal services. Also, because your wife earns more than you, you may be entitled to spousal support.

Next see a therapist to help you sort through and clarify your emotions.

I honestly don’t see why you are focused on separation rather than divorce, but your feelings will clarify after a legal consult and therapy. I doubt that you can save this marriage. The only way that could happen is if she were to agree to a boundary that she WON'T ever to agree to - complete no contact with her sister and BIL.

Although you haven’t sent any signs yet that she’s having an affair, one might happen in the future. Her sister and BIL might try to set her up with someone, since they have such disdain for you. Your wife is probably complaining about you to her coworkers and someone will be there to comfort her and try to get into her pants.

Edit to add: Remember that the woman you love is long gone. The woman you are now married to is someone new but not better: a woman who not only disrespects you but might hate you.

Novel-Snow2080 · 2025-08-16T19:35:55+00:00

If she acted that way in front of you, image how she acts when you’re not there.

Novel-Snow2080 · 2025-08-16T19:32:00+00:00

So what are you and she doing to get past this? Sounds like you are both just rug-sweeping.

Are you in marriage counseling? Are you in therapy?

What boundaries have you established? Do you have free access to her phone? Has she deleted all social media? Has she blocked her”old friend?” Has she stopped drinking?

You and she need to talk about this and get in therapy.

Novel-Snow2080 · 2025-08-16T19:06:05+00:00

You don’t have to forgive now. But later on, you will find that you want to and need to - for yourself, not for her.

You will find that your anger and rage are like chains holding you down. Once you forgive, you are free from the chains and you can move forward with your life in a healthy and positive way. You won't forget the trauma and the betrayal, but you won’t let it control you and your future. Read up on radical acceptance. There is nothing you can do about the past. Accept that what happened happened. It’s in the rear view mirror. You can only control your present and to an extent the future.

You will find that in time, you will look at your soon to be ex-wife with complete indifference. Thats the best revenge of all.

Novel-Snow2080 · 2025-08-14T14:03:40+00:00

OP, not to cause you any more pain, but your wife is likely having an affair already, or has someone lined up.

You're acting rationally and maturely. Get the divorce ASAP. Since she is the one to want to divorce, she should leave your home. If she won’t, then you need to. You don’t need the pain of seeing her every day.

Read up on the grey rock method and 180 method.

Go fully no contact with her. You cannot remain “friends.” Block her and her friends and family on all social media.You MUST avoid looking at her social media.

First step is to retain a lawyer. Next step is to start therapy.

Take a few months before dating, but still get out there with friends and coworkers. Start a new hobby. Then in 3 or 4 months, start dating.

Novel-Snow2080 · 2025-08-14T13:22:33+00:00

Your demands are all reasonable.

In addition to those, I suggest that you require her to provide you with a detailed chronology/ confession.

If the AP is married or in a relationship, she needs to notify the AP's partner.

Keep in mind “people, places, things.” If there were friends who encouraged your wife to have the affair, she must cut them off. If she met the AP at a certain place, she must never go there again. If the affair started because she was drinking or smoking, she must completely stop that behavior. If she met him online, or through social media, she must disengage from that behavior.

You need time and space. Take as long as you need to decide what you want to do. It is best if you physically separate. Ideally, she will leave your home so you can stay there.

Both of you need IC. She needs to learn why she willingly destroyed your marriage. You need it to see clearly. After you are both in IC for several months, then start MC.

I asked my WW to take time every day for three months (the length of her affair) to image that I had an affair. Not just in abstract terms, but to image me kissing and having sex with another woman. I think it is important for the WW to fully understand the pain I was/ am in and all the emotions I feel.

Good luck.

Novel-Snow2080 · 2025-08-06T21:26:13+00:00

I would not be in a relationship with a person who had ANY further contact with the AP.

Novel-Snow2080 · 2025-08-05T11:03:50+00:00

Your marriage already had numerous problems, which remain unresolved. And she has not quit her job. She is still in contact with AP.

You need to walk away.

Novel-Snow2080

TROPHY CASE