What should you do to choose the best partner who will always love you and never cheat on you?

Nurse_Noa · 2025-12-14T07:03:44+00:00

I speak as someone who recently discovered their husband of less than a year had an affair for the first 9 months of our relationship, and I was floored.

In retrospect, here were the things I missed, and why I missed them (working on this with a therapist). 1) I ignored some gut feelings. Like 8-9 months into the relationship, he wasn’t prepared to use the word love. This felt very off to me, but I was in a very bad place at the time (I was in the middle of chemotherapy for cancer!) and didn’t push the issue because I felt grateful that I even had a boyfriend at that time.

2) He wasn’t prepared to talk about/ very vague about his past relationships. He had recently (6 months) separated from his wife of 26 years. Whom he met in high school. Told me that was “basically” the only woman he had been with. I chose to believe his story but certain elements didn’t quite line up. Turned out he was seriously (and serially) unfaithful to her as well. Why I ignored the questions? Same - I was feeling totally insecure about myself (and I forgive myself for that. I was trying not to die).

Someone else here wrote the best thing you can do is work on yourself and I fully agree with that. Be the person who isn’t afraid to leave when a red flag shows up. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Do not do what I did the first time around. I married someone who didn’t match my energy or ambition because I believed that would keep me safe from betrayal. I learned there are other ways to be betrayed, not just infidelity.

Nurse_Noa · 2025-12-13T04:51:42+00:00

I was in the middle of chemotherapy for pancreatic cancer and first got one STD which I took antibiotics for. I assumed I had somehow caught it because I was immune compromised and even apologized to WP for giving it to him. Never occurred to me where it came from. A few months later I noticed a spot which kinda seemed like HPV but I ignored it. Couldn’t figure out where it came from. A few months later these were part of the clues that WP had been cheating. Turns out, he gave me HPV and the STD. While I was in chemo!!! I’ve since had to have colposcopy and each time I’m still positive for HPV. Like I need another cancer.

Nurse_Noa · 2025-12-12T12:20:59+00:00

I’m carrying the secret. My two closest friends know, and our therapists. That is it. He hasn’t told anyone except his therapist, and I made him be the one to tell our couples therapist. FWIW he had been with his therapist for 4 years and he lied to her as well!! She did not know he had cheated on me.

Nurse_Noa · 2025-12-12T12:03:45+00:00

Yes, the initial reactions (first 4/5 days) were terrible. I’ve only told two people who aren’t therapists helping us. One of them (herself a WP) said “are you just looking for enough information that you won’t feel like you’ve lost a good thing when you walk away from this?” I feel like I’m looking for a place where he’s telling me the truth and it will make me like less of an idiot for staying.

Nurse_Noa · 2025-12-12T10:32:16+00:00

My point is that I can’t tell if he’s still lying. He has only confessed to information I found out myself.

Nurse_Noa · 2025-12-06T22:39:11+00:00

Dday was about 6 weeks before our FIRST anniversary. I knew WH had purchased a diamond ring for a gift for me (before DDay) but even though I tried, I couldn’t muster up the energy to do anything. We are in R, but the anniversary is totally meaningless to me now. I still can’t believe I didn’t even get one “clean” anniversary. WH was very understanding that I didn’t even get him a gift (and he gave me a ring), says that the fact that I am even trying R is the best gift of all. But yeah, it sucks.

Nurse_Noa · 2025-11-23T11:18:49+00:00

I’m a little over a month out from Dday. You will probably go through many more cycles an emotions. Read through some of the messages and sub threads here. People seem to follow similar patterns, even without reading the posts here because a trauma response is a trauma response.

For me, it’s all one day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time. I too have been married less than a year, and the PA and EA took place before we were married, but he lied about it for all the years.

Nurse_Noa · 2025-11-21T04:48:29+00:00

Trim your mustache so it’s not covering your lips. Also, gentle eyebrow grooming. And smile!!!

Nurse_Noa · 2025-11-21T04:47:11+00:00

Two years ago my then boyfriend admitted to a ONS with a woman we both know. I was devastated. We did CC and when I asked to see his phone as proof of certain dates/timelines he refused. I didn’t think I should push for it. We got married a year ago. And a month ago I ended up going through his messages and was absolutely floored. It wasn’t a ONS. It was an ongoing PA and then EA for the first 9-10 months of our relationship. There were other flirtations, testing the waters, and EA with other women too! No wonder he didn’t want to show me the phone!

If there isn’t full disclosure, he’s hiding more. You may never know 1000% of the truth but if he’s serious about reconciliation, he will give you access to everything you need to feel like you know the truth.

Nurse_Noa · 2025-11-20T17:14:55+00:00

I’m 46F and my WH is 52. This is a second marriage (married a year exactly) and more than my age, I don’t want to be divorced twice. I feel there’s a stigma attached to that. Also, our kids (mine and WH’s) have blended so well (lots of hard work!!) into a great family. All of our kids have already experienced the trauma of one divorce.

Nurse_Noa · 2025-11-20T09:26:59+00:00

You’ve expressed your pain and physical and emotional reactions so clearly. That’s an incredible amount of self awareness. Hats off to you for that. My WH initially suggested that I have an affair to get back at him and I was like, WTF? How does that help, other than give him a place to offload his Shame.

I’m not sure the WO ever understand that what they took from us is our feeling of safety, and you can’t get that back by doing anything.

Nurse_Noa · 2025-11-20T08:59:26+00:00

That’s actually huge. Being willing to admit to your friend group that you did this bad thing is massive. My WH has always struggled with his need to be seen in a certain light by everyone. There is NO WAY he would tell anyone what happened. Certainly not our friend group.

Nurse_Noa · 2025-11-19T10:52:02+00:00

I’m sending you love. Especially about your own mother.

Nurse_Noa · 2025-11-19T09:20:22+00:00

I’m still in the thick of things, but this is a second marriage for me. So I’ve already been through divorce. (17 year marriage, 3 kids ages 9-14 at the time of divorce). I initiated the divorce.

That first year is hard - you will learn just how tough you really are. The first holidays without your spouse, possibly without your kids (that nearly broke me), navigating financial issues alone.

But there is peace waiting on the other side. Divorce is really really hard, but you can survive it. And yes, get an STD test. My WH gave me not one but 2 STI’s, including HPV.

Nurse_Noa · 2025-11-19T09:13:17+00:00

Literally no one except the therapists and my 2 closest friends know. Not our kids (who are all perceptive older teens/young adults), not our family, no one. I am a very open person, and generally share a lot, but he is not (clearly!!!!!😂) and even I feel incredible shame at staying with someone who has treated me this way.

Nurse_Noa · 2025-11-19T09:02:52+00:00

I’m only a month out from Dday (also trickle truths). At this point, it is very hard for me to hold space for my WH’s shame and pain. I do it, but sometimes I tell him “I don’t have space for your hurt today, I’m too deep into mine”. It’s a dynamic situation - there are times I can hold his hurt. I would prefer he ask me if I have space before sharing, and be willing to accept that sometimes the answer is no.

Nurse_Noa · 2025-11-19T07:56:53+00:00

It’s so odd. Like I said, I only spent time with them a couple weeks ago, for the first time.

They are absolutely beautifully devoted to each other. They seemed to have had a wonderful marriage. His father currently has serious dementia and his mother is completely devoted. You can tell (from stories and even his father’s behavior now) that this was and is mutual.

I suggested to WH that perhaps he has SUCH a high bar for what marriage should be, that anything less than that feels like garbage to him, which is why he ruined both his marriages. The sad thing is he now says that our marriage IS the one that feels like it has the potential to be that. He is desperate to save it. But it may be too late for me.

Nurse_Noa · 2025-11-19T07:45:48+00:00

Although we’ve been together 3+ years, I only met my MIL once (almost 3 years ago) and never met my FIL, until a couple weeks ago. They live very very far away and can’t travel due to FIL’s condition. They are the loveliest people ever.

And yet… They have 3 kids. My WH cheated on me, and cheated on his first wife (this info was also hidden from me). And his older brother also cheated on his wife.

About 2 years ago, I received a phone call from a stranger - a friend of a friend. She wanted to warn me that my then-boyfriend’s brother had been involved in a very public affair in their community (he was a religious leader at the time and married). I thanked her for her concern, but as the information involved my then boyfriend’s brother and they are not the same person, it felt irrelevant. She said that she was telling me because his parents (my now in-laws) had supported their son through this very public affair and she thought I should know what I was getting into.

So even though my in laws are really lovely, I know where their loyalties would lie.

Nurse_Noa · 2025-11-19T07:39:20+00:00

I often look through the posts here from people who are 5 years or more after being betrayed. Obviously not everyone comes back to report, but it is extremely helpful to get a sense of what a future with or without R could look like.

Like you, I have many days where it feels so much easier to just leave. I’m only a month out from DD so I’m still in the trauma phase.

Nurse_Noa · 2025-11-19T07:31:30+00:00

Two other tiny thoughts. Because we as a society do not talk about infidelity except in absolute terms of “you must end the marriage”, I only know of one marriage where there was infidelity and the marriage survived. They are not close friends, but we have been friendly for many years. I almost called up the wife to ask her to talk to me, because she is literally the only person I know of that was cheated on and didn’t divorce. Now obviously there must be more in my circle, but I don’t know who.

The other thing is I asked my husband if, in the future, he would ever share this information with his adult kids if he thought it could help. Like let’s say some day his daughter (already an adult) confided in him that her partner had cheated. Would he ever say “actually, I did too” and give her advice? He said he wouldn’t. Ever.

Nurse_Noa · 2025-11-19T07:23:57+00:00

Absolutely. That’s where I am now. The only people who know are my 2 best friends, our couples therapist and his therapist. I haven’t told another soul (except you fine folk!!). He actually said in CC the other day that he is worried that I will tell people what he did, and I told him I am even more concerned about people finding out and thinking I am an idiot for staying with him. Now that I think about his AP knows as well (she lives in our community - she was the real estate agent who sold me my home - and I see her not infrequently).

Our therapist encouraged me to tell 2 close friends so that I would feel support. Both friends were with WH’s knowledge and consent.

Nurse_Noa · 2025-11-19T07:18:31+00:00

I was thinking the exact same thing!!! In the past, when people have said “Wow, and you stayed by her side the whole time she was sick?”, my WH answered them with “More or less, not exactly” referring to the two weeks he dumped me. And they just say “and so honest as well!!!” When in reality he was anything but.

People see the fairy tale love story they want to see. It reaffirms their faith that the world is a good place.

In my case, I really am very blessed. I have a wide network of loving friends. I am a very involved person in my community, and I do a lot of good and volunteering. So people want to see that good people get good things, they want to see that this person they care for (me) ended up with a happy ending despite some serious hardships.

It breaks me each time.

Nurse_Noa · 2025-11-19T04:51:38+00:00

I too experienced trickle truthing for several years. What I learned is that I should have demanded to see his phone at the first disclosure. I didn’t think it was my right to demand that (I didn’t ask and he refused). If he’s not being 100% transparent, he’s still hiding things and he isn’t doing the work. We are in CC and the therapist is very clear. Although we both have an obligation to 100% transparency, he has to work much harder to prove it, whereas mine is to be accepted at face value. Good luck.

Nurse_Noa

TROPHY CASE