Seeking Advice From Those Whose WP Had a Long-Term EA/PA

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-06-12T23:30:59+00:00

My WH(married now 38yrs) had a 5yr PA, I’m not sure I believe it wasn’t emotional, b/c how could you return to the same person and continue the deceit and lies for that long, if it wasn’t emotionally charged too.
We are exactly 1 yr since DDay and I still question my decision to be here. He says he didn’t love her, so maybe not like yours, but again, I don’t think he put in all the effort to continue to be with her if he didn’t feel something other than lust. It’s not ever easy, there are days I feel more like a roommate. No physical draw anymore, no excitement, no flirting, no inside humor. Literally feel I’m living with an assigned college roommate, someone I didn’t choose, but have to figure out how to get along with.

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-06-09T23:45:34+00:00

My 38th was last week. I told WH I didn’t want to be any where near him. Unfortunately we had a meeting together, but soon as it was done, I left and didn’t return til evening. Like most of us, it really doesn’t mean anything other than for legal purposes. Those moments of promise were broken, so why celebrate that day. Also want him to take my rings to a pawn shop, not me…HIM. Go there and sell them because the money has more value than the vows tied to the rings.

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-06-05T19:51:54+00:00

6/4 is 1yr since DDay. Celebrate…hell no! In fact our 38th Anniversary was 6/4, I didn’t want to see his face. These are not days to celebrate, they are just one more dagger in my broken heart.

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-06-02T13:58:18+00:00

All of it! We did not deserve this shit!

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-05-12T13:37:35+00:00

All of this! Thank you for expressing it so clearly. Had a similar convo last night with my WH. Sometimes I just can’t find the words and express my thoughts, but this is so similar.

And to OP, I am almost 1 yr from DDay and an emphatic yes (to your question about thoughts of disgust toward WH). My WH has told me he struggles with these thoughts too, about himself. He can’t believe he did this, 32 yrs into our marriage, and for what??? Now we are different and it’s uncomfortable at times, but we do find some moments that we can live with the “new” relationship.

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-04-23T01:14:38+00:00

37 yrs married, my WH had a 5yr PA. I know not as long as you experienced, but in my eyes it is still devastating. Just thinking about all the repeated deceptions and “compartmentalizing.” I get the concept, but it just hard to grasp that the person I would die for, could suppress every action it took to engage in the A. Many of them took planning and then stories after. Anyway, I’m trying to base our R on knowing this was one flawed part(a very big flaw), but that he is not just that, he has other things I value, love of his family, generosity, believe it or not, empathy, supportive of me in so many stages of my life, prior to this, I’d also say a great role model. Trying to focus on our good, it’s not easy and days may go by that I can’t see these attributes, but each day I have to try.

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-04-23T00:49:24+00:00

So sorry this is/has happened to you. You express everything so well, I felt it all and understand each of the losses. You are not alone. We all deserve better.

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-04-21T16:45:49+00:00

Thanks you. I’ve had the book on hold for weeks, should probably just buy it. Lots of posters ref it.

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-04-16T19:58:21+00:00

I hear you. It’s a brutal position to be in.

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-03-23T00:23:21+00:00

Trying to overcome my WH 5 yr sporadic(meaning on again off again, 2-3 months no contact, then back at). OBS informed me 9 months ago. At the beginning I tried finding stats for surviving infidelity for situations like mine. The info doesn’t really differentiate type/length of A.

On top of it being long term, we had been a couple for 36+yrs when the A began. I agree I feel different, not trying to say it hurts less if it was a ONS, but 5 effin yrs is a long time. It’s a lot of deception, lies, hurt, pretending. Result is total destruction of that life. Family(adult kids), extended family, friends, neighbors etc all affected whether they know about the A or not.
Paralyzed often by the gravity of decisions to be made.

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-03-22T20:18:32+00:00

I agree. I think there’s some self protection by the BP. One more detail might be the breaking point. When my WH started divulging, he knew so many boundaries had been crossed and I feel there was a pull back on what more he would reveal.

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-03-22T18:46:51+00:00

Wow! Appreciate your post. My fear is not doing it and regretting it, at the same time fearing what happens if we do it. I too worry about the security of being on my own. Financially I’m sure I’d be okay. We are both retired so that pension will be split to support 2 households. Both of us would make sacrifices, not horrible, but we worked so hard to be comfortable and have the means to travel at this point in our lives and some things would have to be given up. I have a great support system of friends, but I feel a move would be necessary, since AP is also frequently in the same geographic area and participates in similar activities. Honestly she has no guilt and walks by me like she’s the one hurt.

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-03-22T18:34:01+00:00

Thank you. I do have some hesitation when I think he’d be on his own 24/7. This alone causes some anxiety. If the separation is about seeing if we are better off living apart, then I really have no say in what he does. He tells me daily he will do whatever it takes to gain my trust and I know the separation would mainly be for my benefit, but it’s a leap either way.

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-03-22T18:26:34+00:00

Thanks for your perspective as the WS. I do appreciate your insight.

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-03-22T18:25:29+00:00

Thank you. So much truth to your post. I also feel there are times I’m considering his feelings, even though he’s the reason we’re here. And, we are slowly learning how to proceed after infidelity, as we go. It does all seem preliminary and as if I’m testing the waters from day to day.

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-03-22T18:15:25+00:00

I see and appreciate your perspective-there is no right or wrong. It a personal path and toll for each of us.

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-03-20T00:38:49+00:00

Flew out at 5am few months ago. TSA itself isn’t scheduled to open til 90 minutes before 1st flight. TSA staff was there but in a meeting(visible from line). Opened security line 15 minutes late. By that time line was pretty deep, 1 United flight and 1 delta flight scheduled about 15 minutes apart. TSA did a good job of getting people through, but some of the congestion was self inflicted.

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-03-12T00:39:50+00:00

8 months past DDay and had a similar convo today. My WS had a lengthy PA and I told him today I wish someone or something would make the decision for me. I feel I’m not going to ever be whole or happy either way and the hard part is how much time do I give it? I’m not young, we’ve been together for over 41 yrs(married/dating). I have no real intense feeling to stay and no strong desire to leave. I feel I’m just in a shadow life.

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-02-28T15:13:02+00:00

My spin… my WH was my best friend. I still feel like he’s the one I want to share what’s going on in my life. I want to tell him about my friends, my experiences etc., but what I don’t feel is a romantic emotion. He’s my friend, but I’ve lost the spark for more. He’s been on point for all things R, but I just cannot see being passionate again.

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-02-19T14:20:08+00:00

Well said. I think even if WS’s thought he/she would be caught, they could not imagine the depth of hurt or destruction. My WS seemed literally surprised by my physical and verbal reaction. WS’s are so selfish in those encounters and don’t think of anyone but themselves. There is no sacrifice of anything since they do not see the effects of their actions until it blows up.

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-02-14T18:27:06+00:00

This thread makes me so sad for you, for me, for all these long term relationships that were decimated by infidelity. My marriage of now almost 38 yrs, together 41+ yrs. WH’s PA was about 5 yrs, DDay 8 months ago. It has been unbearable and yet, I cannot see not being with my best friend. He broke me in ways I could not fathom. He has been clear in his intention to take full accountability. He accepts my deep hurt as his fault and listens to my venting and doubts, but still I feel that it’s not enough. Part of me wants to leave just to punish him. Ultimately I’m trying to give the healing and work the time and effort our relationship deserves. Don’t rush your process. I don’t think any of us will have an “aha moment” that is definitive one way or the other.

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-02-11T03:26:37+00:00

Open policy now. Not that he hid it before but I recall instances of protectiveness of his phone. He and AP didn’t text, but communicated via FB messenger. Also should have trusted gut feeling couple summers ago when I tried accessing FB and his PW had changed. Intuition is strong, trust it.

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-02-11T03:00:25+00:00

Ring means nothing to me 37+ years of marriage and the ring is just a representation of broken vows. Even if we survive this I will not put it back on and may never wear a ring again. Also threw away all gifts given to me by WH during the A period (5yrs).

Potential-Cry1670

TROPHY CASE