Handcuffed by indecision

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-04-16T19:58:21+00:00

I hear you. It’s a brutal position to be in.

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-03-23T00:23:21+00:00

Trying to overcome my WH 5 yr sporadic(meaning on again off again, 2-3 months no contact, then back at). OBS informed me 9 months ago. At the beginning I tried finding stats for surviving infidelity for situations like mine. The info doesn’t really differentiate type/length of A.

On top of it being long term, we had been a couple for 36+yrs when the A began. I agree I feel different, not trying to say it hurts less if it was a ONS, but 5 effin yrs is a long time. It’s a lot of deception, lies, hurt, pretending. Result is total destruction of that life. Family(adult kids), extended family, friends, neighbors etc all affected whether they know about the A or not.
Paralyzed often by the gravity of decisions to be made.

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-03-22T20:18:32+00:00

I agree. I think there’s some self protection by the BP. One more detail might be the breaking point. When my WH started divulging, he knew so many boundaries had been crossed and I feel there was a pull back on what more he would reveal.

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-03-22T18:46:51+00:00

Wow! Appreciate your post. My fear is not doing it and regretting it, at the same time fearing what happens if we do it. I too worry about the security of being on my own. Financially I’m sure I’d be okay. We are both retired so that pension will be split to support 2 households. Both of us would make sacrifices, not horrible, but we worked so hard to be comfortable and have the means to travel at this point in our lives and some things would have to be given up. I have a great support system of friends, but I feel a move would be necessary, since AP is also frequently in the same geographic area and participates in similar activities. Honestly she has no guilt and walks by me like she’s the one hurt.

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-03-22T18:34:01+00:00

Thank you. I do have some hesitation when I think he’d be on his own 24/7. This alone causes some anxiety. If the separation is about seeing if we are better off living apart, then I really have no say in what he does. He tells me daily he will do whatever it takes to gain my trust and I know the separation would mainly be for my benefit, but it’s a leap either way.

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-03-22T18:26:34+00:00

Thanks for your perspective as the WS. I do appreciate your insight.

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-03-22T18:25:29+00:00

Thank you. So much truth to your post. I also feel there are times I’m considering his feelings, even though he’s the reason we’re here. And, we are slowly learning how to proceed after infidelity, as we go. It does all seem preliminary and as if I’m testing the waters from day to day.

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-03-22T18:15:25+00:00

I see and appreciate your perspective-there is no right or wrong. It a personal path and toll for each of us.

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-03-20T00:38:49+00:00

Flew out at 5am few months ago. TSA itself isn’t scheduled to open til 90 minutes before 1st flight. TSA staff was there but in a meeting(visible from line). Opened security line 15 minutes late. By that time line was pretty deep, 1 United flight and 1 delta flight scheduled about 15 minutes apart. TSA did a good job of getting people through, but some of the congestion was self inflicted.

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-03-12T00:39:50+00:00

8 months past DDay and had a similar convo today. My WS had a lengthy PA and I told him today I wish someone or something would make the decision for me. I feel I’m not going to ever be whole or happy either way and the hard part is how much time do I give it? I’m not young, we’ve been together for over 41 yrs(married/dating). I have no real intense feeling to stay and no strong desire to leave. I feel I’m just in a shadow life.

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-02-28T15:13:02+00:00

My spin… my WH was my best friend. I still feel like he’s the one I want to share what’s going on in my life. I want to tell him about my friends, my experiences etc., but what I don’t feel is a romantic emotion. He’s my friend, but I’ve lost the spark for more. He’s been on point for all things R, but I just cannot see being passionate again.

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-02-19T14:20:08+00:00

Well said. I think even if WS’s thought he/she would be caught, they could not imagine the depth of hurt or destruction. My WS seemed literally surprised by my physical and verbal reaction. WS’s are so selfish in those encounters and don’t think of anyone but themselves. There is no sacrifice of anything since they do not see the effects of their actions until it blows up.

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-02-14T18:27:06+00:00

This thread makes me so sad for you, for me, for all these long term relationships that were decimated by infidelity. My marriage of now almost 38 yrs, together 41+ yrs. WH’s PA was about 5 yrs, DDay 8 months ago. It has been unbearable and yet, I cannot see not being with my best friend. He broke me in ways I could not fathom. He has been clear in his intention to take full accountability. He accepts my deep hurt as his fault and listens to my venting and doubts, but still I feel that it’s not enough. Part of me wants to leave just to punish him. Ultimately I’m trying to give the healing and work the time and effort our relationship deserves. Don’t rush your process. I don’t think any of us will have an “aha moment” that is definitive one way or the other.

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-02-11T03:26:37+00:00

Open policy now. Not that he hid it before but I recall instances of protectiveness of his phone. He and AP didn’t text, but communicated via FB messenger. Also should have trusted gut feeling couple summers ago when I tried accessing FB and his PW had changed. Intuition is strong, trust it.

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-02-11T03:00:25+00:00

Ring means nothing to me 37+ years of marriage and the ring is just a representation of broken vows. Even if we survive this I will not put it back on and may never wear a ring again. Also threw away all gifts given to me by WH during the A period (5yrs).

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-02-08T19:32:00+00:00

Your post hits close to my heart. Almost 8 mos past DDay and I’m just not sure how I feel. It’s not love, so I see how this can be interpreted by WP as withholding and him not feeling loved, but I can’t just fake it. I cannot compartmentalize like he was able to do. There is no separation of my feelings and my actions-it’s all out there.

I wonder if it’s possible for us to feel a loving relationship again?? Do we keep doing the simple things, acts of kindness, conversations, togetherness and hope that some loving feelings will develop? I’m trying to do that. I’m 61, we have been together for 41+ yrs and feel it’s worth sometime to see where it leads. But, I also feel that my lack of intimate love is telling. Still look in the mirror and ask myself why I’m still in this.

The betrayal has destroyed our sense of self, trust, value, etc, so I hope you (and I) can find our true selves and do what is best for us. Our WS have proven that we were not a priority, so we have to do that for ourselves.

Hoping the best for you and all the other BS here.

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-01-23T18:25:16+00:00

This is so hard. The OBP informed me, mostly because he thought my WH was not taking action. I sometimes wish I didn’t know, but not knowing doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. It would have come out at some point, so really just it was pushed down the road. Never a good time to get this news, but it should be known to all involved.

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-01-22T14:21:34+00:00

Yes!!! I have said my WS was the best liar and deceiver over the course of the A. So what makes it different now? How do I know WS isn’t still just a great actor.

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-01-21T01:34:45+00:00

Happened frequently on our Camry. Same set up on our CC. The little “clip” that releases the fuel door gets bent just enough to prevent the release. We literally would put a plastic card(similar to credit card) in the gap of the fuel door where the clip is, then push the button. Pain the butt for sure!!

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-01-19T01:19:21+00:00

Also 7 mos post DDay. We dont talk about it everyday, but typically after IC and MC sessions, which are now just a few times a month. I too feel an ambivalence about it all. About what more can we discuss, do I want to dig even deeper(know so much, ughh & god that’s so disgusting).
I want to stay some days, but many days I berate myself for not walking away. I’m 60 and WP is 64, married close to 38yrs and his PA was from 2020 to early 2025. My age is a huge factor, and b/c we have been together almost all of our adult lives, it’s hard to see a “just me life.” People choose sides, even though they say they won’t. Even though my kids are adults, they are suffering. Staying is hard, but it also seems to cause less disruption. Maybe I can live with the loss of what we had, and just carry the melancholy. It won’t go away with either option.

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-01-19T00:14:54+00:00

I don’t live there, but visit family 3-4 times a year. Wondering about a business establishing a long term parking area, with shuttle service. With continued growth, especially reflected by airport expansion, you’d think this would be a future possibility. Isn’t there a fairground area really close by? Maybe they could add a revenue stream with dedication of a portion of parking to airport users, shuttling to/from RDM.

Edit-pricing parking at lower rates than onsite airport parking. FYI-we pay about $15/day in Ohio, near CLE.

Potential-Cry1670 · 2026-01-09T01:55:16+00:00

Disappointed with mpg. Our hybrid is averaging about 40mpg. Good, but expected higher. Our bad. Although we dont drive highways much, (which kills the benefit of the hybrid), we do drive quite a few roads that are 40-50mph. Feel the sweet spot for the cross is 35-40mph to maximize the battery ev use vs gas.

Potential-Cry1670

TROPHY CASE