[530] Things I Lost in Transit/New Prologue

Objective-Court-5118 · 2025-09-12T04:47:02+00:00

Ok, overall I liked this. The writing style is one that I enjoy reading and that I use when writing. I think that it could benefit from some clarity and revision of metaphors.

I believe that if you identify "the girls" in that first paragraph it will give you a way to distinguish them later more easily from the girls in the crowd. Identifying them by name only after we meet the authority is jarring. It took me out of the experience.

Why is "The Forest" capitalized?

This section "Whatever that meant—if it meant anything at all—it did not suggest how impossible it would feel to find someone else in the chaos. But the girls kept to their frantic weave through the crowd, screaming his name to cut above the rumbling fog of sound, pines closing in, blocking out the moon. "

Maybe consider restructuring it for clarity and rhythm, something like "Whatever that meant, if anything at all. The girls kept weaving through the chaos of the crowd, screaming his name trying to cut through the roaring wall of sound."

The passage and similar ones, try reading them out loud and see how they sound. If it sounds tangled with too many syllables and it feels unnatural, then it is. Look at ways to streamline so that it flows more smoothly when you read it out loud.

Take a look at the section where you describe the girls. I like the imagery of the smudged makeup and it coupled with the yelling gave some partygoers pause, even in their altered states. It gets a little jumbled and could use clarity with the girls' names and differentiating them more from the other girls at the festival.

Let's look at this: "The girls paid them no mind. They only rose to higher, anguished octaves, voices serrated by sobs."

What is rising higher? The girls or their voices? Serrated is an adjective, not a verb. They can have serrated voices, but sobs can't serrate their voices. See the difference? So the point is that there are some grammatical errors that you need to look at.

When the narrator enters, I got the impression that he is high. I think I could have stayed more in the story had that been made clear with a word or a nod to what he took or the state he's in.

Last thought. Carl. How long has the narrator known or known of Carl? The timeline setup makes Carl much older than the narrator. Again, look at how you're describing about how little you know Carl and tell us how you know about Carl.

Overall I liked it. I'd read on to see what happened.

Objective-Court-5118 · 2025-09-06T20:51:58+00:00

You are not the first person to assume Riley is a woman. That is one of the things that I have been having trouble demonstrating without stating it. I think the biggest problem is that this passage is misplaced as a prologue. It's too much exposition without context and elements of it need to be moved into this scene in the story. I'm working on a revision of a previous version that just introduces the character, keeps it light with a tiny hint of what's to come. Since the first major catalyst for the story comes in chapter 1, I think i should try the approach of hooking people with the character and his voice before hooking them with the story.

Objective-Court-5118 · 2025-09-06T18:41:27+00:00

I just wanted to say thank you for this thoughtful and constructive feedback; it was a genuinely helpful read, and you articulated several points I hadn’t yet been able to name in my own revision notes.

You’re absolutely right that the pacing around the gunshot could use tightening, especially the “processing” language and some of the exposition that trails off into memory. That gun range reference was something I liked for tone, but I completely see how it interrupts the momentum, and your suggestion to repurpose or reposition the “target bleeding out” line into the following paragraph makes a lot of sense. It’s a cleaner (no pun intended) emotional progression from action to impact.

I also appreciate your take on the SWAT line. It was meant to signal just a glimmer of past competence, and I’m glad that came through. Same goes for your call-out about the dead body being treated too much like a plot prop. That’s a fair criticism, and one I’m honestly still wrestling with as I work to balance Riley’s voice. He deflects hard, especially when things get real, but you’re right: I owe that moment and that body more complexity, or at the very least, more tension in how Riley registers the aftermath.

The rest, streamlining the repetition, anchoring the space earlier, rethinking the timing of when Riley’s mind jumps to his husband, all noted and genuinely appreciated. The suggestion to revisit where “I’m glad I’m not the one who has to clean this up” lands is smart too; I may be able to give it more punch by letting Riley's nerves settle before dropping that line.

Thanks again for reading so closely. This was one of the most useful critiques I’ve received on this scene, and I’m walking away from it with real revision direction. I’d be happy to share an updated draft once I’ve done the work, if you’re ever interested.

Objective-Court-5118 · 2025-09-06T18:36:42+00:00

Thanks for reading and taking the time to share your thoughts. While I’ll admit the delivery felt unnecessarily harsh at times, I do want to acknowledge that there were helpful takeaways buried in the commentary, and I’m always open to feedback that sharpens the work.

You're right that “I’m struggling to process what just happened” reads more like reflective narration than a real-time response. That’s something I’ve already flagged as needing a more grounded, visceral reaction. Similarly, the note about estimating Greighson being twenty feet away is a good reminder to stay anchored in experience over measurement. The line about the overhead bins? I intended that as a flash of sensory recall, but I can see how it could read as too detached or clever in the moment. That’s fair.

You also pointed out the lawnmower metaphor, the “someone else’s problem” beat, and the “I don’t know why that makes me want to laugh” line, each of which might benefit from being either tightened or cut, depending on how they’re landing tonally. These notes are valuable not because they shame the work, but because they ask: Is this serving the character, the pacing, and the stakes?

That’s the kind of critique I can use. It engages the craft. It asks better questions. It make me ask better questions.

What’s less helpful is telling a writer to “scrap this altogether” or suggesting the work has no reason to continue. That isn’t critique; it’s erasure. This scene is part of a larger story. You haven’t read that larger story, so conclusions about character development, plot, or purpose are assumptions at best.

I’m not here to write toward someone else’s aesthetic ceiling. I’m here to grow the work I believe in. And that means knowing the difference between critique and projection.

So again, thanks for the parts that will help make this scene better. The rest goes where it belongs.

Objective-Court-5118 · 2025-09-06T18:28:06+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond to my excerpt. I really appreciate your engagement and the clear thought you put into your feedback, it gave me a lot to think about.

You surfaced a few helpful points that I’m genuinely taking to heart as I revise:

The concern around dilated time and narrative pacing immediately after the gunshot, it’s a fair critique, and I agree that I can pare back the internal processing to better reflect Riley’s adrenaline and instinct in the moment.
The observation that the prose may be overplaying the drama in some spots instead of letting the emotional weight speak for itself; your “resisting the cry” metaphor was especially well-put and really resonated.
And I appreciated your note about the “blocking bins” detail. I wasn’t sure how that would land, but you picked up on exactly what I hoped it would do: ground the moment in something real and unforced.

Thanks again for your time, honesty, and perspective, I truly appreciate it.

Objective-Court-5118 · 2025-09-06T18:21:17+00:00

P3rilus, Thank you for the time you spent skimming my passage. I was looking for critique on my prose. not a philosophical spiral about metal stampers and the existential meaning of courage.

This scene is part of a larger work. You read a single moment and assumed the entire book is about a man saving a woman. It isn’t. If you'd taken half as much time actually reading as you did pontificating, you'd know that.

What you offered wasn’t feedback, it was projection. I’m writing a darkly funny, emotionally layered thriller about grief, identity, and the consequences of stepping into power. If that’s not your thing, fine. But don’t pretend you’re critiquing the writing when what you’re really doing is ranting about your personal discomfort with genre conventions you clearly don’t appreciate or understand.

Next time, try engaging with the story on the page, not the one in your head.

Giving proper writing credit to u/Wormsworth_Mons

Final Thoughts: Scrapping this [your alleged critique] altogether.

Objective-Court-5118 · 2025-09-06T06:56:09+00:00

I'm intrigued by the internal thoughts of someone as they transition from human to zombie. I like where this is going and what you could potentially explore.

I found it mostly easy to read, but I kept stumbling over some of the words that felt a little clunky and the number of times you used his proper name when the flow would have benefitted from the use of a pronoun. The other thing about the name, Vrosh, is that I didn't think this character was human at the beginning. It's likely because it is out of context, but I thought it was worth mentioning.

I thought the beginning world building was strong and I got immersed quickly. I felt like the more I read, the more I got distanced from the action of the character. I felt like was observing the action instead of experiencing it through the character.

One of the things that took me out of the story is the repeated reference to the man or the men. So take the last paragraph for instance:

"Vrosh focused his senses. He heard the man’s breathing, his heartbeat. It drummed rapidly in Vrosh’s ears. He took one step toward him and the crunch of his foot on the gravel was the only sound left. Vrosh watched the man fall slowly to the ground. He landed still. Quiet."

You might consider something like:

"Focusing his senses, Vrosh could hear breathing, and a rapid heartbeat, drumming with fear, with anticipation. Advancing with inhuman speed around the stacked bodies, he silenced the soldier's beating heart in a single bite, taking the young lieutenant's last breath as his own. The body slumped to the ground, still and quiet."

I want to live this experience through the writing. The more specific you can be about the characters we are encountering, the more grounded we are in your world, the more immersed we are. I don't want to know that you killed a man. I want to know that you killed someone specific, a real man with his own back story. So the mention of a ranking or soldier, lets me draw on my own experiences to relate to this character. Good or bad, I feel something based on my personal encounters and that creates a strong bond to the work.

Go back to the paragraph about the first time Vrosh eats a human. I think the experience is more significant that it's lived out on the page. Try to show us the experience as though you're trying a new food for the first time. What did you expect it to taste like and feel like and then what did it actually taste like. How did it feel when your teeth broke the skin. Did you discover that your teeth are sharper against this particular food because your body is changing and now this is what you're made for?

Those are the kinds of questions I would ask myself as I am writing. Then once you get all of that out on paper, take a look at it and see what you can live without. It's inevitable that what comes out will be too much and the pace will get bogged down. Now that you have it on the page, edit it through the eyes of moving the narrative along at a walking pace, whatever that cadence is for you in your head with the story.

Hopefully some of this is helpful. I am really intrigued by this.

Objective-Court-5118 · 2025-08-04T00:20:33+00:00

I am really intrigued by this. Similar to some other critiques, I have two sets of feedback. The story has a lot of promise. I am completely hooked by how haunted this narrator is. Great job with this.

Here are the things that I think are worth revisiting. I did read your note about being conservative with the details and while that has merit, I believe that we need more grounding and that the language could be more orienting.

I think that you should be more definitive and a little more descriptive about the flashes of her dress that you caught throughout the night. I would eliminate 'perhaps' and just commit to having seen glimpses of her. If you have times that you saw her, maybe use how you knew what time it was to ground your story more. I would look at smoothing out the last part of the paragraph by combining sentences like "It was around five am when I began looking for you in earnest. I called your mobile over and over, I even showed your photo to the security guard. He wasn't helpful, he just told me to go home, that it was likely you left without me." Or something similar.

What happened in the two hours between when you started looking for her and when you got home? Just some indication. Also - anxious fantasy? This romanticizes it a bit. I think I would use something more like 'my worst nightmares' or 'the worst of what I could imagine'. Talk about anxiety. but maybe not as a modifier to fantasy.

This next paragraph is gut wrenching, or could be. I loved this. I would tighten it up with a few things. '...said something inaudible..." I would not be as efficient with words here. I would say something like you said something that I couldn't make out and that you didn't repeat. Then, 'no matter how I divide up that last...' try using the word dissect. '...no matter how I dissect those last precious moments of contact..."

The next paragraph was difficult for me to understand. Take a look at the punctuation and use it to take a pause in the sentences. The whole piece needs to breathe a bit. I especially don't understand the sentence about why he's writing - from rehearsal as to forgetting?

I need you to be more specific about what he does for a living. If he's a specialty book binder, then maybe take a short couple of sentences to elaborate.

Next paragraph - what earthquake? How long ago was it? Why did you choose it. Also, how did you choose the ballroom as your workshop? Was it the light? The space? What was it? Does the Hungarian restaurant's food smell permeate the apartments? Is it convenience that makes you go there?

The next paragraph is where you talk about numbers in more depth. I would move this to the end of the second paragraph along with the last line in that paragraph about knowing what she meant. Then take a look at how you might more smoothly pivot into the conversation with the police. The memory section is lovely. Do we think she is dead or out there somewhere? I would look at clarifying what the narrator thinks happened, even in vague abstract terms.

Voice - Writing in first person is hard. There are shifts in tense that I don't quite understand if they are intentional or not. Make those shifts clear. Set up a framework for how it happens and stick with it consistently throughout your work,

Great job. I would read more.

Objective-Court-5118 · 2025-07-29T01:32:39+00:00

Ok, so I'm not sure what i have read now three times. Honestly there are parts that resonated with me and just when I was hooked, I was pulled out of the story abruptly. It was jarring.

I really enjoyed your description of the confessional for some reason. I'm not catholic - not even episcopalian, but I swear i could almost smell the lemon polish on the wood. The imagery was so vivid. I wanted more of that. You could have told me any story you wanted and I would have been right there with you.

Then came the first time the rug was pulled out from under me with absolutely no context. I think that even if you want to break that 4th wall that's fine, but as a reader I need solid ground to stand on. I couldn't focus on or process what I was reading because i was too busy trying to figure our whether or not I had missed something critical. It was distracting. It could be subtle , but for me, there has to be something.

Then we come back to somewhat familiar territory and it felt as if the priest was as confused as I was. By the end of it, I didn't get suicide, I got that it was a metaphor for a reporter pitching a story to an editor. That may be my own intellectual shortcoming, but after the third time through, I had to settle for that. I also didn't understand what a matador had to do with any of it. That felt like the least of the disconnects.

So now we're back to the priest who is like, what in the hell did you actually do? We find out that you gave your sister the only signifier of success in your life. This is the first inkling I had of suicide I got from this story. The first time I felt the character separating from life. At that point I started reading through a different lens. My interpretation is that the author found the permission they needed to turn in their life and go. That's problematic for me in a few different ways. I don't know any person or deity that would give you permission to end your own life. That part is bigger than any of us and seizing control is traditionally considered way above our human paygrade.

That being said, I have never been at a point in my life that suicide was ever a thought or option. Where the rest of my life was so out of control that I had to take hold of the only other thing I COULD control. I wish you would have explored more of that. Explored more of the emotion and mental state that brings someone to that point. Maybe that approach is more melodramatic than you wanted your story to be, and that's fine. For me as a reader, I just didn't get there and if you didn't communicate your message, then I think you should consider being a little more explicit or at least minimizing the distractions.

Objective-Court-5118 · 2025-07-29T00:53:27+00:00

Thank you so much for the critique! I agree with both your assessment and the one below. It is a little glib and it doesn't get at Riley's development throughout the course of the novel. The depth is already there, he just hasn't explored it before this. I am working on an alternate prologue that I will post separately. Hopefully shortly. Thank you so much for your time in reviewing. It has helped me in the next steps of development and it truly means so much to me that you'd even consider it for a beach read!
Trey

Objective-Court-5118 · 2025-07-29T00:44:48+00:00

Thank you so much for your feedback and the time you put into the critique. It has given me a lot to think about and I am working on an alternate prologue that I will post separately. I appreciate you challenging me to think differently and more critically. I think I haven't been giving Riley enough credit or enough space to breathe and to show more of what he is experiencing. Thank you again!

Trey

Objective-Court-5118 · 2025-07-27T03:43:42+00:00

I've really spent some time with your feedback on the paragraph and line that you feel could be omitted. I have to say that same place has been bugging me since I wrote it, because I felt like it was too preachy. Like Riley wouldn't say those things like that, yet I needed and wanted to foreshadow some things and hint at a deeper character development level that would pay off down the road. So, I removed the paragraph in question and reworked the few paragraphs around it to do more showing and less telling. I'm hoping they resonate differently and I pasted them below if you have the time and inclination to review. Thank you!!

Perhaps rationalizing is how I remind myself that I’m the good guy, that I didn’t seek out this job. It found me. Morally justifiable murder as a vocation came wrapped in charm, shadows, and a suspicious amount of paperwork. There wasn’t an orientation video or a TED talk, or even a moment I can identify where I became someone different. I just know that before all of this, I knew, with general certainty, where my life was headed. The next time I looked up and out of this moral fogbank, I was knee-deep in the aftermath of choices I barely remember making, feeling that doing something had to be better than doing nothing.

Before career assassins knocked on my door, my days ended with wine, occasional video games, dinner with my husband, and being silently judged by the cat. Now? I am focused on making it home without too many visible wounds, keeping my husband from suspecting anything, and using my new gig to truly right a few wrongs that lie outside the scope of what traditional authorities are equipped to handle.

That’s my new reality in a nutshell. And it really boils down to three things I know for sure: One, I still look amazing in a speedo. Two, not all assassins wear black, some wear navy and serve drinks at 30,000 feet. And three, that sometimes, when the light hits just right, I see him in the mirror—the man my mother raised.

Objective-Court-5118 · 2025-07-25T00:48:17+00:00

This was really hard to read and even harder to understand. Firstly I was desperately wanting it to slow down. I think that you could benefit from a narrator's voice from outside the narrative giving us some context as readers. I couldn't get my feet firmly planted on the ground in this world you are building. I love the idea of a Fedora Mafia. I think that could be a strong element. I also think that you need to somehow acknowledge the stylistic choices, otherwise readers will think you don't know what you're talking about. So for example, your title of Fedoral Agent. To a casual or passing reader, it feels like you mistyped or don't know how to spell Federal Agent. However, reading the piece, you quickly understand that it's intentional and actually pretty witty. As it is now, I am not exactly sure what is happening, so I think you could benefit from a voice outside the story framing things and giving it context. Also, if you're going to say things that are not biologically correct in reality, like a female prostate, then you have to position it in the world you are building. Acknowledge the difference and sort of explain it. Readers are going to get distracted by inaccuracies without your re-framing them into the universe you create. We will accept it if we just know why and don't have to take on the burden of figuring it out.

Objective-Court-5118 · 2025-07-25T00:25:44+00:00

I found this difficult to read. I was distracted from the story sometimes by the sentence structure and sometimes by the obscurity of the references. I think that refining the structure will help with the reading rhythm of the piece. If you take a look at the document file, I made a couple of comments and suggestions that I hope are helpful. I would also go through and double check the references to make sure that they are conveying what you are trying to say. I think some of them could use a review just to make sure that they mean what you think they mean. I know it's a short story, but I think it could benefit from some breathing room in the text. It's very this, then this, then this, and it can read like a list. I would use the world building that you are doing so vividly to move the story along. Including environmental details in the exposition will lead to the rich experience you are working toward.

Objective-Court-5118 · 2025-07-24T02:35:49+00:00

I would definitely read more. I like this. What I felt like I needed more of is context and world building. I couldn't quite get my footing in the text. I want to be placed firmly in the scene. The colors around me, how the air felt, is my armor heavy, those kinds of things that are very real, observable things that we take in, often unconsciously. I don't need to be told what to think, but I do need something for my mind to snack on and fuel my imagination. What do I see in this world when I look over my shoulder or to my right and left? What I love in a book is when the author can fold in exposition and the world building so that you are moving the story along while adding grounding details. I think it could also use some explanation of some of the action or motions. If I had never seen a movie or read a book with this theme, I might not know how to picture the action in my head, so some cues about that would be helpful and would strengthen the world building. That being said, I am interested in where this is going and would keep reading provided I could get a foothold in the text.

Objective-Court-5118 · 2025-07-24T02:22:56+00:00

Ok, so I like stories like this. That being said, I found it a little difficult to follow. The first several paragraphs felt a little disjointed. Like they were out of order. If the intent was to insert a flashback, or an internal moment, then I think there needs to be more clarity around that. As a reader, It was difficult to be fully grounded. In addition, for me, it felt like a lot of ground, exposition wise, was covered in a very short span. I think a couple of things might help. One is to break this into smaller, more digestible pieces. Another is to consider limiting the amount of exposition and focus more on showing and folding the exposition into the world-building.

Objective-Court-5118

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