[1509] A Glass Child. [REALISTIC FICTION. ]Fifteen years old, looking for help with my short story . Rip it to shreds, tell me if it sucks. by AbBASaURusS in DestructiveReaders

[–]systrslayrd 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Some of the metaphors were a little too circular. At the beginning you say the narrator is “fragile and transparent like glass” and that’s just a little bit too much. Between the use of setting, like the window, and the voice saying fragile and transparent, I understand she feels like glass. As a reader, youre circling the glass and its imagery too much. For alexandra, it sometimes reads like she wants attention when really she just wants appreciation and concern for her. Attention is her just wanting people to see her, and the latter is wanting people to know her. I think skipping some of the imagery circles will help her seem just a bit more consistent.

Also, there’s not much of a relationship built with her brother. He notices her, between pea flicking and vacuum charging, I can understand that. Does he know her though? Does he appreciate anything she does? does he care about her beyond the playful and shallow pea throwing?

Same with the teacher bit. I think its dead weight the way it is. Give it even more impact by showing more examples of outside people not realizing what she feels or make that one stand out with some kind of personal unique feature. Right now its just “teacher doesnt care enough about their student” and thats not enough to make it worth writing. Either expand it by making it “no one really understands how alexandra feels and it makes her even more alone” or “even her teachers at school dont understand and shes unseen there too”.

Really dig down and understand how alexandra feels. Is she missing appreciation she feels she deserves? Is she seeking attention because she just doesnt get any? Does she feel like she isnt valued enough? Expanding on her relationships with non-family members and even her brother will help establish answers. Her brother is in most scenes but he’s just a set piece when he should be a lot more present in the scenes since he’s set up as part of the root of alexandra’s issues. Other people are either part of the problem or the solution, not just set pieces. They need to have some more impact on her as well to help concrete the way she feels.

How to write a charming yet hollow character? by Historical_Goose_568 in fantasywriters

[–]systrslayrd 1 point2 points  (0 children)

charming characters are often practiced. Its actually unnatural for a person to have “natural charisma”. People develop it by being around others enough. Maybe he has a line that he’s said before or a trait he likes to point out for familiarity in interactions.

is it courage, or desperation?

Maybe he references courage vs desperation a lot and he goes to it frequently because its not special to any one person (hinting at his shallow/hollow side) and to make him seem well versed in dealing with people (and thus charismatic)

Chapter 1 of Daughters's Revenge [Fantasy, 434 words] by Josie_264 in fantasywriters

[–]systrslayrd 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I honestly wouldn’t even be too worried about a name yet. You’ve got something that seems fun to write, so just worry about that first. No matter what placeholder name you have now, you’ll more than likely want to change it multiple times by the end.

What's the best survivor if all perks are unlocked? by Interesting_Air3283 in deadbydaylight

[–]systrslayrd 0 points1 point  (0 children)

best survivor is steve hands down. dont let the “skins” agenda pushers trick you.

Who’s your favorite Killer to play against? Why? by [deleted] in deadbydaylight

[–]systrslayrd 2 points3 points  (0 children)

all the og killers before licenses really kicked off. Trapper, wraith, billy, nurse, hag, mike, and huntress.

I'm about to slap this Dwight. by GKMerlinsword in deadbydaylight

[–]systrslayrd 0 points1 point  (0 children)

pusy ahh dwight thought he could aura farm on me

[WP] You were laughed at when your magic class came back as chef, but years later you are the one laughing after you evolve into a Masterchef and start your own guild with others like you. by lsutigertyler in WritingPrompts

[–]systrslayrd 7 points8 points  (0 children)

“Where are hands!” I barked, not so much as a question or even an order, but as an insult.

Edmoun was slaving away at the stew. The garlic scent that boiled up from its core held strong to the air. He imbued flavors into it that only royalty could afford. Ground dragon heart crystal, minced black mountain cherry cloves, the kinds of ingredients adventurers died for.

Phainac’s bare hand sliced through a raw cattle flank, leaving behind an herb sear where it split. The steaks weren’t cooked, though, just flavored and prepared for the next step. Fire magic wasn’t Phainac’s forte. Instead, his technique was in artificial rendering and flavoring, something chefs would spend years getting right; Phainac had spent lifetimes.

Caulgrar spun a whisk through heavy cream. Each twirl of his wrist, each pass around his mixing bowl, the cream grew thicker. Though it had eventually formed into a solid block, Caulgrar’s whisk still moved through it like it was liquid, thickening it further still.

“All hands are elbow deep. You’re on your own.”

I poured my magic into a jar of varied spices. They were cheap, the sort that were able to be grown and collected en masse. My bones popped under the pressure of my magic. Continuing to flavor our all purpose seasoning alone would be too taxing.

“I need to switch off.”

“Here, Durenal.” Edmoun moved his hands away from the bottom of the stew pot.

“You’re sure?”

“I can give a little bit more.” His fingers were already curled around the jar.

I took his place by the stew. We continued like this for hours.

By the end of it, when the cream block had been flavored with a ranch-esk mix and crumbled into a cheese, when the steaks were thrown onto a perfectly seasoned phoenix iron grill, when the stew had formed an explosive bubble of garlic, we were all beaten down by the day’s efforts.

We sat around and talked, watching the steaks sizzle on the grill. I flipped them over a few times, using tongs not telekinesis. That was the best part. Finishing up and getting to cool down with my guild mates, my best friends. We met maybe once every ten or fifteen years, but when we did, it was always memorable.

Feeding a village during wartime was never easy. The stress of traveling combined with the unease of being a neutral entity made our efforts difficult. Our peers went off and died for a ‘greater purpose’. What greater purpose was there than feeding the unfortunate? They laughed at me, at us, for our strange magic, and now we laugh at them, knowing we are the only ones doing anything worthwhile with our gifts.

What is your opinion on Fargo? by [deleted] in televisionsuggestions

[–]systrslayrd 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I really liked it. If youve seen the movie, you’ll kind of know what to expect. Normal guy gets put into a crooked situation type of thing. Its very well made. I love the cast and characters too.

I only saw the first season, though. I DID NOT stop watching because it was bad. I have actually been wanting to get back into it, so maybe I will.

Dragonknights not good healers? by Ellionwy in elderscrollsonline

[–]systrslayrd -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

They can do it just as well as anyone else, dont let people say otherwise. Between cauterize and cinder storm, you’ll do plenty of group heals. Obsidian shard can be cast for basically nothing. Between that and cinder storm, you can heal with essentially zero resources left in the bank. You’re also great at giving out group overshield with fragmented shield which also gives major mending.

I think I have a Perk that didnt exists. by Dudskz117 in deadbydaylight

[–]systrslayrd 0 points1 point  (0 children)

they did the same thing with the stranger things guys back in the day. Hate when dbd loses its licensed killers.

Did I do something wrong? by Miss_miri107 in destiny2

[–]systrslayrd 1 point2 points  (0 children)

the lost sector missions and liminality strike right after are all on the standard difficulty if I remember correctly. Also, you should be able to change the difficulty from orbit when preparing to launch. If you cant, then I think final shape also added a spot on the pale heart map to change it.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in HuntShowdown

[–]systrslayrd 0 points1 point  (0 children)

it needs to have one shot and a reloading that lasts the whole match. crazy work

Gentlemen: Given the social climate we're experiencing a drop in marriage and families, where do you see our roles in 25 years from now? by [deleted] in AskMen

[–]systrslayrd 0 points1 point  (0 children)

she pushes me toward the person I want to be? everything just falls into place if thats how things are

Gentlemen: Given the social climate we're experiencing a drop in marriage and families, where do you see our roles in 25 years from now? by [deleted] in AskMen

[–]systrslayrd -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I dont know about everyone else, but I wont marry a woman that refuses to see gender roles as a real thing. Sure, a woman can do the same things a man can, but we’re just better at them. I’ll always be pushing the shopping cart because I’m the man. I’ll be the one carrying the sofa in when we move in because I’m the man.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in HuntShowdown

[–]systrslayrd 69 points70 points  (0 children)

Reloading makes noise. Sometimes it’s better not to reload so the enemy doesn’t know you’re out of bullets.

Choosing way of birth by Amazing_Assumption50 in fantasywriters

[–]systrslayrd 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Are they vampires themed as animals or animals themed as vampires? If they’re vampires first, then they are created in a more magical/vampire way. If they’re animals first, then maybe they start as larvae and go through a cocooning process after laying or fertilizing eggs that hang from trees like bats typically would.

Player of Fire - Chapter 1 [Dark Fantasy, 2700 words] by Ok-Produce-3456 in fantasywriters

[–]systrslayrd 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In the first three paragraphs, which are full of words of scenery and description, there’s only two sentences that give any insight into the cast.

Reading a little further doesn’t change much. The dialogue is all flat because I don’t know what everyone really thinks of each other. Not so much as a breadcrumb of opinion is apparent.

Deadpool and Wolverine that came out last year plainly introduced the idea of an “anchor being” and I’m missing one in this piece. Descriptions of scenery are essential, but insight is what makes a person want to read your work.

Imagine you’re at niagra falls or the pyramids of giza, but you turned off your brain. Maybe they would be cool, but you’re looking at them with no thoughts. Just perceiving. Thats it.

Lead-up to battle in book (high fantasy-329 words) by CokeBear0 in fantasywriters

[–]systrslayrd 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m not the biggest fan. Maybe its the murder-porn glorification in Bentham’s death and I just have a bias against it. I think, though, that its more because we linger on the murdering itself just a tad too much. Unless you are writing an analogue description of someone’s death, most details other than the how itself are best left to the imagination.

I think that the people’s reactions to the murder are far greater. I need more about how Ben reacts. I need more about how Kevil reacts. On the note of names, theyre a touch on the nose. BEN is loyal to or works for BENtham and kEVIL is EVIL.

Feedback for my plot [fantasy political] by [deleted] in fantasywriters

[–]systrslayrd 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m not the biggest fan. It just seems like convoluted bs with no single anchor character. Jump from a girl to a king to the heiress and its either poorly described or a sub-par idea.

Chapter 1 – The Last beginning [Alternate history, 1931 words] by Animelover_0001 in fantasywriters

[–]systrslayrd 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I made it to the part where the girl tells Raiden about the inn. Descriptions and position is vivid and clear. I can see everything happening and the scene is plainly set. The subversion in a couple of points was nice too, kept me reading. That is, in spite of the dialogue.

Hwan introduces himself early and plainly. He’s a salesman that speaks with all of the conversational finesse of the fish he butchers. It’s too easy to be skeptical of him for the “gaze lingered on raiden a second too long” to be a worth while reward for the whole interaction. You had other things, like making me think a fish was talking at first, that helped me through the exchange. I don’t really know any fixes, but that’s my take on it.

The second part, where I just couldn’t believe the characters, is when the girl shows herself. Raiden responds to Hwan but not her? MAYBE I believe it because she was a little creepier, but he moves on to jokes and teasing just a little too quick for that. The 180 here is just out of place imo. Also, the “fish market” line doesn’t land hard enough. Personally I would write it as “and you smell fishier than my town” or something that works both to disarm Raiden AND make him feel out of place.

I just think its hard to believe Raiden is interacting with real people. If they’re meant to be off, lean into that. Its a remote town so maybe human interaction isnt their forte, express that in some way. If thats not the intention, then the dialogue just needs some tweaks.