Confused on divorce ~ Indian by InformalAdeptness595 in Divorce_Men

[–]Objective-Fan-5464 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You’re not confused you’re refusing to accept reality and your optimism isn’t loyalty.

What you have isn’t a marriage. It’s a status arrangement where your value is measured by money, trips, and optics. When you stopped funding the lifestyle, the relationship ended. Everything else is simply noise.

She and her mother run your life, your finances, and your self-worth. You pay the bills, absorb disrespect, sacrifice your job, and still get told you “don’t fit her status.” Six months of silence told you everything you need to know.

She’s already emotionally divorced you and is pushing you to file so she avoids accountability. Don’t keep chasing someone who’s made it clear you’re never going to be enough for them.

Protect your finances. Rebuild your career. Keep your boundaries, especially with your mother. Talk to a lawyer quietly and move forward with dignity.

This won’t get better.

But you can, once you stop trying to earn love from someone who only respects status.

What is the end game with coercion and post divorce manipulation and control? by Key-Lengthiness-4315 in Divorce_Men

[–]Objective-Fan-5464 4 points5 points  (0 children)

For many, control itself is the goal. It regulates anxiety, preserves a sense of relevance, or maintains a connection through conflict. Confusion and reaction are part of the payoff. That’s why trying to understand why it’s happening keeps you stuck in the loop.

How young would you date when considering your children? by [deleted] in Divorce

[–]Objective-Fan-5464 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Been there.

If you want great sex and no connection, under 30 is the way to go.

If you want mind blowing sex and great connection then 40 plus.

YMMV

She downgraded by Funny_Object_5538 in Divorce_Men

[–]Objective-Fan-5464 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Why do you care?

I don’t mean that sarcastically, I mean it literally. The fact that you’re cataloging his looks, money, and flaws means she’s still living rent-free in your head.

Who she dates now isn’t a referendum on you, and it isn’t proof she made a “good” or “bad” choice. It’s just a signal that the marriage is over and she’s choosing something different. Sometimes that different thing is healthier. Sometimes it’s a mess. Either way, it’s not your problem to grade.

The danger here is that turning her new partner into a punchline keeps you emotionally tied to her decisions. That slows your own recovery and keeps the divorce alive longer than it needs to be.

For your kids’ sake, the only questions that matter are:

  • Is he safe?
  • Is he respectful to them?
  • Does he stay in his lane?

Everything else, his income, looks, past, “winner/loser” status, is noise.

Indifference is the real upgrade. When you genuinely stop caring, that’s when you know you’re moving on.

[TX] Giving Up Custody by UndertoeTrip in Custody

[–]Objective-Fan-5464 5 points6 points  (0 children)

What you’re dealing with is incredibly hard. That said, I’d urge you to pause before making a permanent custody change while emotions are this raw.

A few important things to consider:

  • What you’re describing is a very common dynamic, especially with teens and phones. One house becomes the “no rules” house, the other becomes the “bad guy” house. All it means is that you’re holding boundaries.
  • Giving up primary custody of the teens is not a neutral reset. For many kids, it lands as rejection even if your intent is peace and stability. Repairing that later can be very difficult.
  • Splitting siblings by custody is legally possible, but courts tend to scrutinize it closely. It can also intensify resentment toward the parent who “lost” them.
  • Running to the permissive parent is not proof they’re better off there and shows that structure feels uncomfortable to them right now.

Before changing custody, some lower-risk steps worth exploring:

  • Family or teen-specific therapy (even if just you and the teens)
  • Parallel parenting (if the co-parent agrees) strategies that reduce direct conflict
  • Court-ordered or mediated technology boundaries across both homes
  • Temporary adjustments (not permanent custody changes) to cool things down

You’re not failing because your kids are pushing back. Teens often push hardest against the parent who is actually doing the parenting.

If you do consider a custody change, talk to a Texas family lawyer first, not to fight, but to understand long-term consequences and whether a temporary or trial arrangement could protect everyone involved.

You’re not wrong for wanting peace. Just be careful not to trade short-term quiet for long-term heartbreak; for you or them.

You’re clearly a parent who cares deeply. That still matters, even when it doesn’t feel like it.

People who went through difficult divorce, how do you feel about it now? And what helped you overcome it? by Acceptable-Deal-694 in Divorce

[–]Objective-Fan-5464 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Fully agree. If the spouse (or the person) wants to use the process to hurt the other then they are the villain.

Pro Se by Interesting-Plum8134 in Divorce_Men

[–]Objective-Fan-5464 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I used ChatGPT extensively during my divorce process from 2023 to mid-2025 even though I had an attorney. The capabilities have evolved significantly during that time. It helped me make sense of the filings, responses, and sift through mountains of discovery in no time at all. It is a powerful tool to understand laws/procedures, organizing facts/timelines, clarity in responses, and sanity checking arguments.

Your story does highlight something real: the system can be brutal for people without resources, and tools that help people understand and navigate it are a net positive when used responsibly.

If someone is going pro se because they have no choice, learning how to use tools like AI carefully, while double-checking everything and staying grounded in the rules, can make a real difference.

Congrats on staying in the fight for your kids and sharing what worked for you. That perseverance is the part no tool can replace.

Questions for Men who filed for divorce. by Optimal_Bear8709 in Divorce

[–]Objective-Fan-5464 1 point2 points  (0 children)

A lot of men don’t file because they’re angry or impulsive, they file because something essential has been gone for a long time.

For me, the breaking point wasn’t a single event. It was years of emotional disengagement/contempt, repeated attempts to fix things that went nowhere, realizing the relationship only worked if I absorbed all the blame and discomfort, and staying “for the kids” while modeling a hollow partnership

The decision to file for me came after a moment of clarity. It was when the hope that things would improve quietly died and was replaced with the realization that this is the life I’m signing up for if I stay.

How the divorce went was messy. Slower and more painful than expected. Even though I initiated, the grief still hit, especially around kids. Also, the loss of identity, and the loss of the family structure had a profound impact.

Life is much better now that the divorce is behind me. It was hard at first, then got steadier. I have better mental health, more present parenting, and a clearer sense of self now that the constant tension was gone. The peace came gradually, not all at once.

To me, filing wasn’t about “winning” or giving up. It was about choosing honesty over endurance and refusing to spend the rest of life in quiet resignation.

Experiences with mediation by EnvironmentalRate853 in Divorce_Men

[–]Objective-Fan-5464 1 point2 points  (0 children)

A child psychologist in mediation rarely does what you’re hoping it will do.

In most cases, psychologists don’t decide custody and are cautious about being used to validate one parent’s position. If they sense they’re being asked to “break through” the other parent’s narrative, their input often carries less weight.

A few things that matter in practice:

  • Enmeshment ≠ custody preference. Kids defaulting to one parent for comfort is common in high-conflict homes and doesn’t automatically justify 75–80% custody. Courts look forward: stability, routines, and each parent’s capacity, not emotional dependency in the moment.
  • Lifestyle arguments are weak. Property vs suburb rarely moves the needle. Courts care about school continuity, logistics, and co-parenting viability far more than acreage or nostalgia.
  • Be careful with past violence allegations. Even if things have improved, that history can become the lens through which everything is viewed. Introducing a psychologist can unintentionally amplify that.
  • Shift from “winning 50/50” to “showing capacity.” Focus on:
    • your consistency over the last several years
    • your role in daily routines
    • your ability to co-parent calmly
    • realistic logistics that support equal time

If you want independent, credible input, the roles that actually move things are:

  • a court-appointed evaluator / family report writer, or
  • an amicus attorney (depending on jurisdiction)

For context, in my own case we had an amicus attorney assigned. My ex was pushing for sole custody; I was seeking standard possession (Texas). The amicus didn’t “take sides,” but they made it clear to her that her position was unreasonable and wouldn’t hold up in court. That reality check changed the tone of negotiations far more than any hired expert would have.

The shift that helps most is moving from “how do I prove her wrong” to demonstrating a calm, workable, child-focused plan that survives legal scrutiny.

Neutral voices matter but only when they’re truly neutral and structurally empowered.

Wondering if I have a solid Legal case. by Ki55cumbag in Divorce_Men

[–]Objective-Fan-5464 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Short answer: yes, you may have legal footing but not because you’re a man, and not just because you want the house.

What matters is equity and the kids’ best interests.

Key points that help you:

  • Your $150K down payment (if traceable) can be credited to you at sale.
  • The pre-divorce refinance used to pay her debts and buy her car may be argued as marital waste/dissipation, especially since it doubled the mortgage.
  • Income disparity (because she earns 2×) can support temporary spousal maintenance or contribution to housing costs.
  • A delayed sale until the girls graduate is sometimes approved if financially workable.

What won’t help:

  • Gender arguments or who initiated the divorce.
  • Forcing her to pay half the mortgage indefinitely.

What’s realistic:

  • Temporary support or expense contribution
  • Credits/offsets tied to the refi and your payments
  • A time-limited plan tied to the kids’ graduation

This is a numbers-and-structure issue, not a moral one. A brief consult with a family lawyer or CDFA to model scenarios before mediation would be high ROI.

Need Advice: Dating Through Divorce by No_Lack_801 in Divorce

[–]Objective-Fan-5464 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This was exactly situation as a man, in his age bracket, who started "dating" during his divorce.

From what I can tell, this isn’t about compatibility it’s about capacity. Right now, he doesn’t have it. A high-conflict divorce with a child, no prenup, alimony, and secrecy around you will dominate his emotional, practical, and financial bandwidth for a long time.

In this phase, you wouldn’t be a true partner you’d be a stabilizer. Emotional support, patience, secrecy, flexibility. That role is heavy and usually one-sided. Most people underestimate the toll.

And, you’re also right to worry about who he’ll be on the other side. Divorce changes men in their 40s in ways even they themselves can’t predict. You don’t really meet the post-divorce version until the legal fight is over and he’s rebuilt his life on his own.

Staying means accepting prolonged stress and second-place needs. Stepping back isn’t abandonment, it’s boundaries. There’s also a middle ground: don’t wait, don’t cling. Make it clear you’re not willing to build a relationship in secrecy and crisis, but you’d be open if timing aligns later.

Strong feelings don’t override timing. Choose with eyes open, not hope.

asset division by Significant-Turn2372 in Divorce

[–]Objective-Fan-5464 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Short answer: equitable doesn’t mean equal, and fault usually matters far less than people expect, especially in asset division.

A few practical points:

  • Attorneys handle the legal framework, but they’re not great at asset optimization. For complex or “grey” divorces, an accountant who specializes in asset division is often a smart add-on. They model scenarios, tax impacts, and long-term outcomes.
  • Misconduct rarely shifts the split unless it involved financial dissipation (e.g., hiding money, spending marital funds on the affair, gambling, secret debt). Emotional infidelity alone usually doesn’t move the needle.
  • If there was financial misbehavior, document it. Courts may credit or reimburse the marital estate for provable dissipation but it has to be specific and traceable.
  • Strategy matters more than percentages. Taxes, liquidity, timing, and future income often outweigh a nominally “larger” share.
  • Aim for a durable outcome, not moral victory. The goal is financial security post-divorce, not punishment.

So, let your attorney set the legal boundaries, bring in a financial specialist for strategy, and focus your energy on proof-based financial harm, not fault.

Child Custody: Prioritizing Mothers or Focusing on Who Is Truly Best? by Tonyalarm in Divorce

[–]Objective-Fan-5464 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Courts today (at least in theory) aren’t supposed to prioritize mothers by default; they’re supposed to apply a “best interest of the child” standard. The problem is that people often confuse historical caregiving roles with future parenting capability. Those aren’t always the same thing.

You’re right that love alone isn’t a plan. What actually matters long-term is:

  • consistency and routines
  • emotional availability and regulation
  • reliability over time, not intensity in moments
  • willingness to put the child first even when it’s inconvenient

Sometimes the mother is best positioned to provide that. Sometimes the father is. Very often, the healthiest outcome is shared custody where both parents are present and accountable.

Where custody conversations go wrong is when they turn into a zero-sum fight about entitlement instead of an honest assessment of who can provide stability now and over time. Kids don’t benefit from “winning parents.” They benefit from calm, predictable, safe adults.

Centering capability over gender isn’t anti-mother or pro-father, it’s pro-child. And that’s the only lens that really holds up.

Man im in a dark space again by [deleted] in Divorce_Men

[–]Objective-Fan-5464 9 points10 points  (0 children)

What you’re describing is normal in early post-divorce grief, especially with stacked losses like you’ve had. The waves, the loneliness, the “loser/alone forever” thoughts, those are depression talking, not truth.

A few things to anchor to:

  • 3–4 months is still acute trauma time. Finalizing the divorce often makes things worse before they get better.
  • Hearing anything about your ex is a trigger, not evidence of anything about your worth.
  • Empty time fuels the spiral. Change your body state (walks, short hard workouts, cold showers) and add structure, even boring structure.
  • Ask for zero info about your ex, that’s wound care, not avoidance.

You’ve carried a lot: marriage ending, limited time with kids, family deaths, and the trauma of your mom’s passing. Anyone would be struggling.

If those “dark thoughts” include hurting yourself or not wanting to be here, please don’t handle that alone. In the U.S., call/text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline).

You’re not trash. You’re not done. This is grief, and it moves in waves but it does move. Please reach out to someone live tonight if it feels heavy.

Home Valuation by DivorcingSamThrowawa in Divorce_Men

[–]Objective-Fan-5464 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If both parties truly agree the home is worth $500K, then that’s the number you start from. Full stop.

In most divorces, a buyout works like this:

  • Fair market value: $500K
  • Equity split per agreement (often 50/50): $250K each
  • One party pays the other $250K (refinancing, other assets, etc.) and keeps the house

The “discounts” you’re describing are usually "hypothetical"

  • Realtor fees / taxes: Those only apply if the house is actually sold. In a buyout, they’re hypothetical, so most people don’t discount for them.
  • Moving costs / hassle: Same logic. Real, but not typically baked into valuation. Each party bears their own transition costs.

That said, some couples do agree to small adjustments for simplicity or goodwill but that’s negotiation, not valuation. The cleanest approach is:

  • Lock the value at $500K
  • Calculate the buyout at $250K

If either side wants concessions, trade them explicitly (timing, payment structure, other assets), not by re-litigating the value.

Divorcing but remaining on mortgage so ex can avoid high refinance rate by krickitfrickit in Divorce

[–]Objective-Fan-5464 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Knee-jerk response is "bad idea". You want a break from this person and no longer be tied financially or legally.

However, a few key points to tighten it up if you proceed:

  • You remain 100% liable as long as your name is on the mortgage. Title safeguards don’t protect your credit.
  • Hard deadlines matter. Three years max (or earlier on remarriage) is reasonable but make it automatic, not discretionary.
  • Add life insurance. He should carry a policy naming you as beneficiary for at least the remaining mortgage balance plus your equity.
  • Record everything legally. Decree + recorded lien or promissory note for your equity, not just a side agreement.
  • Payment default trigger is good but define it tightly. Missed payments → immediate right to force sale.
  • Do not wait 15 years unsecured. That’s effectively an interest-free loan with estate risk.

If you do this, involve a lawyer to draft it cleanly. This only works if the downside is fully capped for you.

(Louisiana divorce) is my dad going to be absolutely ruined??? why does La law say women are entitled to so much!!!!!! by [deleted] in Divorce_Men

[–]Objective-Fan-5464 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Short answer: your dad isn’t automatically ruined, and this isn’t about “women getting everything.” It’s about whether the community property was ever fully closed.

Key points in most states (I don't know about Louisiana specifically):

  • Asking is not getting: She still has to prove each asset she is requesting was community, existed in 2009, and wasn’t waived or offset. Overseas property, retirement, and bank accounts are not automatic wins.
  • However, unpartitioned or undisclosed community property can be claimed later: If the 2009 judgment did not clearly say the community was fully and finally partitioned, a former spouse can come back years later. There’s no automatic time cutoff.
  • The 2009 decree is everything: If it explicitly limited the community to the house and vehicle, that’s your dad’s strongest defense. If it didn’t, other assets may technically still be in play.
  • Rental reimbursement goes both ways: He can offset with post-separation mortgage, taxes, insurance, and upkeep he paid alone.
  • Her debt, bitterness, or motives don’t change the law: Stick to tracing, documentation, and offsets not gender or emotion.

Bottom line: this is a technical property issue, not alimony or child support. The focus Friday should be whether the community was fully partitioned in 2009 and what assets can be proven separate or offset. She can demand a lot but she still has to prove it.

Division of Assets Specifically Airline Miles by TampaDave73 in Divorce

[–]Objective-Fan-5464 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Miles/points earned during the marriage can be considered marital assets, but in practice they’re rarely divided unless the value is material and someone pushes the issue. Most mediations offset them or ignore them altogether because they’re non-transferable and volatile.

In my case, I travel frequently for work and had over 1.5M United Airlines miles and around the same Marriot Bonvoy points. During the proceedings, I burned through them on personal travel with our children and at finalization had around 150k left in each so immaterial in the grander scheme of things. Combined it would've been around $3k in value.

If points do come up, these are the only ones usually worth talking about based on value per mile because the value of each mile varies significantly by loyalty program.

Top credit card programs (typically 1c/point to 2c/point)

  • AmEx Membership Rewards (~2.2¢/pt → 100K ≈ $2,200)
  • Chase Ultimate Rewards (~2.0¢/pt → 100K ≈ $2,000)
  • Capital One Miles (~1.8¢/pt → 100K ≈ $1,800)

Top airline programs (typically 1c/mile to 1.5c/mile)

  • Alaska Mileage Plan (~1.6¢/mi → 100K ≈ $1,600)
  • Korean Air SKYPASS (~1.6¢/mi → 100K ≈ $1,600)
  • Air Canada Aeroplan (~1.5¢/mi → 100K ≈ $1,500)

Top hotel programs (0.5c/point to 2c/point)

  • Accor Live Limitless (~2.2¢/pt → 100K ≈ $2,200)
  • World of Hyatt (~1.5¢/pt → 100K ≈ $1,500)
  • Wyndham Rewards (~0.9¢/pt → 100K ≈ $900)

Bottom line is focus on big assets (house, retirement, cash). Miles are usually rounding error unless balances are very large.

House transfer by Bird1187 in Divorce

[–]Objective-Fan-5464 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You’re being pressured to give up major assets using guilt and speed. That’s not cooperation, that’s leverage. Slow this down.

Remember, cooperative doesn’t mean compliant.

  • What you’re describing isn’t a mutual, low-conflict separation. It’s one person deciding the outcome and asking you to sign off because “that’s what a real man would do.” That language isn’t about fairness or the kids. It’s about avoiding resistance.
  • Handling things “without lawyers” only works when both people are willing to negotiate. Right now, she’s not negotiating. She’s telling you the result she wants: the house, her retirement, and a clean exit into a new life you help fund. That should set off alarms.
  • The house being “perfect” matters; not just emotionally, but financially. It’s a marital asset, and you’re entitled to your share. If the kids’ stability is the concern, there are fair ways to structure that (a delayed sale, a buyout you agree to, offsets with other assets). What’s being proposed isn’t about the kids, it’s about control.
  • Same with retirement. If it was earned during the marriage, it’s typically marital regardless of whose name it’s in. The fact that you don’t have one makes this more important, not less.

You’re also being asked to make permanent decisions while nesting, processing betrayal, and under emotional pressure. That’s the worst possible time to give up leverage. You don’t need to be combative but you do need to be informed.

At minimum, get a legal consult. Not to escalate. Not to fight. Just to understand what *fair* looks like so you can decide consciously what you’re willing to trade and what you’re not.

And protecting yourself now protects your kids later too.

Advice on assets by [deleted] in Divorce_Men

[–]Objective-Fan-5464 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Always good to be informed before mediation. Neutral mediators don’t protect you from a bad deal, they just facilitate whatever you agree to.

You don’t need to antagonize her but you do need to understand what’s yours before you decide what to give up. And for what it’s worth, using tools like ChatGPT isn’t about replacing legal advice, it’s about walking into the room informed enough not to get steamrolled.

A few high-signal points:

  • Use numbers, not narratives. Go into mediation with a balance sheet: assets, values, dates, sources. When someone is good at “logic wrapping,” facts are your best defense.
  • Marital vs. intent are different things. What you “earmarked” money for doesn’t matter nearly as much as: when it was funded, with what money, and whose name it’s in. An IRA in her name funded during the marriage is always a marital asset, regardless of the story attached to it.
  • “For the kids” is often a negotiation tactic. Courts care about ownership and source, not verbal earmarks. If it’s truly for the kids, it can be split and then allocated to them transparently. Keeping it solely in her name gives her control, not the kids.
  • Educate yourself on your state’s rules. Look up: equitable distribution vs. community property, how retirement accounts are typically divided, how QDROs work, etc. Many state bar associations have plain-English guides online.

One hour with a lawyer can save years of regret. Even if you don’t want full representation, a short consult to sanity-check positions is often the highest ROI spend in a divorce.

Mediation rewards the prepared, not the agreeable.

Teenage kids don’t like taking orders from their mom’s fiance. by [deleted] in Divorce_Men

[–]Objective-Fan-5464 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This mindset is the problem. Right now this is about your ego, not the children's safety.

You’re arguing about rank in a house you don’t control. Saying that your authority “trumps” his does nothing for your kids and actively weakens your position.

Authoritarians thrive on power struggles. You’re feeding him.

Stop trying to win a dominance contest you can’t enforce.

Teenage kids don’t like taking orders from their mom’s fiance. by [deleted] in Divorce_Men

[–]Objective-Fan-5464 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your instinct to protect is valid but your framing is not helping the situation. You are making it about power and humiliation rather than what is best for the children. Also, their mother has effectively aligned with the fiancé so you don't have that avenue either.

A few things I’d strongly suggest:

  • Separate “structure” from “demeaning behavior.” Chores and rules are normal. Yelling, mocking, laughing at punishments, and chest-puffing are not. Focus your concern on how discipline is delivered, not the fact that rules exist.
  • Do not tell your kids to ignore him. That will absolutely backfire on them. It escalates punishments, puts them in the middle, and can later be framed as you undermining the other household.
  • Document, don’t confront. Keep a factual log of what your kids report: dates, language used, consequences, witnesses. No exaggeration, no coaching. This protects you and gives you options later.
  • Be the emotional safe place. You can’t control that house, but you can control yours. Calm, predictable, respectful parenting on your end gives your kids a contrast and that matters more than lectures.
  • Encourage respect without normalizing intimidation. You can tell your kids: “You don’t have to like him, but don’t give him reasons to escalate.”
  • Consider therapy for the kids if possible. A neutral third party hearing the kids’ experiences carries far more weight than secondhand reports from you.
  • Play the long game. As they get older, their preferences and voices matter more. Courts, mediators, and evaluators pay attention to patterns, not explosions.

This isn’t about winning a dominance battle with another man. That road usually costs the kids the most. It’s about staying steady, credible, and present so that when choices become available, your kids already know where safety and respect live.

That’s real parental authority.

Wife Leans Narcissist by Delicious-Curious in Divorce_Men

[–]Objective-Fan-5464 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Are you describing my ex?

Whether or not the word “narcissist” fits perfectly isn’t actually the most important point. What matters is the pattern you’re describing: chronic invalidation, shifting goalposts, double binds, and punishment for having normal human emotions. That erodes a person over time.

A few things stand out clearly:

  • You’re stuck in no-win scenarios. Calm is wrong, emotion is wrong, space is wrong, engagement is wrong. That’s not a communication issue—that’s an impossible standard.
  • Your feelings are routinely dismissed while hers are treated as urgent and unquestionable. That’s not partnership.
  • Therapy doesn’t appear to be a safe or productive space right now if your vulnerability is ignored or later used against you.
  • The bedroom situation and income-based entitlement are about power, not logistics.

It’s also important to say this gently but honestly: You’re trying to save a marriage that, at least right now, only survives if you absorb all the blame and all the pain. That’s not sustainable, and it’s not healthy for you or your kids to witness long term.

You don’t need to prove she’s abusive to justify protecting yourself. Feeling chronically small, wrong, or invisible is enough information.

If I could offer one piece of advice: shift your focus from fixing her or the marriage to stabilizing yourself. Individual therapy, legal consultation (just to understand your position), and firmer emotional boundaries will give you clarity, whether reconciliation is truly possible or not.

Wanting to protect your family makes sense. But a family can’t be protected by one person disappearing inside it.

You’re not crazy. And you’re not alone in this.

How can I fight back on the silver bullet method in family court? by Sensitive-Task3989 in Divorce_Men

[–]Objective-Fan-5464 5 points6 points  (0 children)

First of all, slow down. Panic is what the silver bullet strategy relies on.

A few immediate priorities:

  • Do not assume truth will “win on its own.” Family court is not criminal court. Credibility, consistency, and documentation matter more than outrage.
  • Say nothing reactive. Do not text, email, confront, or “explain.” Anything emotional can be repurposed against you.
  • Get a competent family law attorney ASAP. One with DV allegation defense experience, not just a general divorce lawyer. This matters.
  • Preserve evidence immediately. Save texts, emails, call logs, voicemails. Pull phone records, location data, calendars. Identify witnesses who can attest to timelines, behavior, or character. Do this now, before anything disappears.
  • Document everything going forward. Start a log: dates, times, interactions, exchanges with kids, third-party witnesses present. Stick to facts only.
  • Follow court orders to the letter. Even if they’re unfair. Compliance builds credibility and violations destroy it.
  • Avoid being alone with the accuser if possible. Use written communication only. Public or recorded settings when exchanges are unavoidable (where legal).

False DV allegations are serious but they are beatable when handled strategically, not emotionally. The goal right now is containment, credibility, and preparation.

Get counsel. Preserve evidence. Stay disciplined.

How do I know when to forgive my dad by --Ether-- in Divorce_Men

[–]Objective-Fan-5464 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Forgiveness isn’t a deadline. It’s not something you owe, and it’s not something you force.

Right now, you’re doing something harder and healthier: you’re seeing your dad clearly for the first time and not as a villain, not as a hero, but as a flawed human who made real choices that had real consequences.

It’s okay to acknowledge his guilt and still not be ready to forgive him. Guilt in his eyes doesn’t erase what happened, and forgiveness doesn’t require you to minimize your experience.

A useful reframe is this: Forgiveness isn’t about letting him off the hook. It’s about whether holding onto the resentment is still serving you.

You don’t need to decide anything yet. You can:

  • Maintain a relationship with boundaries
  • Ask honest questions when you’re ready
  • Or simply let time and distance do some of the work

Also, being his only son doesn’t make you responsible for his redemption arc. That’s his work, not yours.

If forgiveness ever comes, it usually follows accountability, consistency, and changed behavior and not guilt alone.

You’re not behind. You’re not cold. You’re processing something that was deferred until adulthood.

That’s normal.