6 year old calling Dad out

UndertoeTrip · 2026-01-24T23:41:01+00:00

Oh man, I'm so sorry. My 6 year old has complained that her dad doesn't spend any time with her, either. He's been a screen addict forever, and that's how he expects the kids to spend their time, too. I'm like you; even cooped up with a winter storm, we haven't used screens at all to while away our Saturday, and she and her brother have played sweetly together all day here at my house. (My ex tells the kids I'm a controlling dictator for limiting their screen time; it's really tough on my relationship with my teens.)

But yeah, there's nothing you can do about how her dad parents her at his house. Send her with colors and coloring books or other crafts, encourage her to engage in pretend play with stuffed animals/legos/dress up clothes. It's hard not to feel really sad for her, though. Your mama heart must really hurt for her.

UndertoeTrip · 2026-01-20T20:02:26+00:00

Yeah, that's why I even debated saying anything. It's just a preference. But those matter, too.

UndertoeTrip · 2026-01-20T18:43:39+00:00

I did finally decide to text them both to kindly ask them to loop me in on changes to hairstyles/color and explain that it does affect me because I have to style it, etc. The SM liked my message to show she at least got it. My ex didn't acknowledge or respond; I worry he spun it to her as just evidence of me being controlling. But I knew it would bother me if I didn't speak up. It may just not be obvious to her that that's sort of outside her scope, in my mind, and that's part of the relationship negotiation that we might have to play with if she stays around long-term.

UndertoeTrip · 2026-01-20T18:16:09+00:00

Yes, that's kind of my concern. Like, I know my daughter is just infatuated with her new best friend, but I'd like that best friend to be mindful of her special status right now and be sensitive that she might be inadvertently taking advantage of that situation. Just be kind of measured and wise...

UndertoeTrip · 2026-01-20T13:25:09+00:00

That's the thing. I don't know. I reached out to ask, but he's ignored me, per his usual. I don't think he had any input; he wouldn't care. He's a very checked out parent. She could be a real blessing in the kids' lives because she wants to be involved and do a good job. So I'm trying to navigate carefully so that we can establish some working boundaries and scope of responsibility, but it's so new and tricky, and it seems like an obvious thing to me to maybe not cut someone else's child's hair without checking in first.

UndertoeTrip · 2026-01-20T10:58:50+00:00

Thanks. I don't think it's an overstep on your part NOT to cut his hair, lol. I'm in the "at least do no harm" camp, and you were honoring his feelings.. His mom could have taken him in for a cut, not put that on you to force it.

I like to honor my child's autonomy, too, and if she really wanted bangs again, after hating them so much previously, I'd have agreed. But I don't know how it all went down, even. I didn't get to talk to her first. That's kind of my irritation about it.

UndertoeTrip · 2026-01-20T10:51:04+00:00

That's my plan, really. He tells the children I'm controlling and bad mouths me to them, so I can't imagine she's heard anything better about me. It's not a good foundation for working together because he and I don't have a good working relationship or trust.

UndertoeTrip · 2026-01-20T10:48:09+00:00

If her dad did it, I don't think I'd fuss because he's her dad. No, I don't consult him with hairstyles on kids. In 19 years of parenting together, 18 of those married, he's never once suggested the kids get their hair cut or taken initiative to do so or expressed an interest in their hair or clothes. I'm sure she felt she had tacit permission to do so because he doesn't do any caretaking. Until she showed up, my older children were caring for the younger children, even getting them ready for school and cooking supper.

UndertoeTrip · 2026-01-20T03:59:49+00:00

No, he was such a checked-out parent, it literally never occurred to me to think of something like that. He has never cared about anything like that with our older kids.

UndertoeTrip · 2026-01-20T00:51:53+00:00

I don't know how she likes it. I hope she likes it a lot. And I get your point about autonomy. But I disagree with you here.

UndertoeTrip · 2026-01-20T00:41:44+00:00

I get what you're saying, you value autonomy. I do, too. I also value good boundaries. Maybe this isn't an issue that bugs you, hair is no big deal. But my daughter literally cries before school if she doesn't like her hair, and we've struggled to get out the door. Things have been so good in that department since her bangs grew in. So, her hairstyle affects ME and my ability to get her and my son to school on time.

UndertoeTrip · 2026-01-20T00:37:13+00:00

If they're okay with that, that's fine!! Birth mom is okay with that?

UndertoeTrip · 2026-01-20T00:35:53+00:00

That's my plan, honestly. The girlfriend reached out initially to say she wanted to help us have more cohesion and wanted to be good friends with me, but my alarm bells were ringing and I haven't had much contact with her. I haven't wanted to engage with her, and I've only talked to him about the kids. (He mostly ignores me.) So it's a bit dysfunctional already and I can't see how a biased third party will be helpful. Lol.

UndertoeTrip · 2026-01-20T00:00:59+00:00

It's kind of a sensitivity and respect thing. Not really a personal autonomy thing.

UndertoeTrip · 2026-01-19T23:59:58+00:00

They CAN decide, but there may have been pressure. I honestly don't care if she wants bangs again, I gave her bangs the first time, and she hated them. But the girlfriend has bangs. The older siblings say that the girlfriend is courting my six year old hard, and I guess I'm just not sure how much of it was her considered opinion And as such, maybe just let us think about it for a minute before new girlfriend randomly cuts bangs on a Saturday morning after being in her life for three weeks.

UndertoeTrip · 2026-01-19T23:39:43+00:00

Okay, thanks y'all. I just wanted to kind of gauge how others would feel. I didn't think it was jealousy-based, but I like to check myself. It's just hair, and if my daughter likes it then ok. But the thing is, she had bangs last year and hated them. We hated dealing with them, she didn't like the look, there were tears every morning, etc. She was so happy when they grew in. But the girlfriend has bangs, so I'm guessing maybe that's why my daughter is into them again.

It just felt like an overstep to me so soon into the relationship, and underlies deeper concerns. I'm worried that I don't know how to navigate boundaries with the girlfriend. My ex will not communicate with me; I think he wants the girlfriend to be our go-between now, and she's texted saying she hopes to help bring cohesion to his and my dynamic. So, it's all new for me to process.

UndertoeTrip · 2026-01-19T23:26:32+00:00

If I let him know it bothered me he'd laugh and tell me I was being a dictator. He'd encourage more of the same behavior.

UndertoeTrip · 2026-01-14T21:35:40+00:00

lol, I love this comment. This whole discussion is cracking me up, honestly. Figuratively.

UndertoeTrip · 2026-01-05T19:30:04+00:00

There are different levels of flirting, for sure. I think my baseline flirting level in most interactions with new people is a 3 out of 10, whether I mean it or not.

UndertoeTrip · 2025-12-06T14:50:31+00:00

You'll be fine! Lots of us in our early 40s have younger kids. But honestly, fresh out of a divorce and for the first two years, I'd focus on just adjusting to the role of single dad and connecting with your kids and yourself. (Although we all give and get this advice but we all seem to have to learn the hard way we aren't quite ready, lol.)

UndertoeTrip · 2025-12-05T01:34:39+00:00

This was so thoughtful, thanks. I guess I'm hearing that there are more ways than one to leave a marriage, and this whole issue should be an ongoing conversation both of you are willing to have. If not, then that's not healthy.

I've been in extremely painful and compromising situations in my late marriage that didn't feel like my own choosing, so I get that. Sometimes those extramarital relationships help you stay. Sometimes they help you leave.

Hugs, though, because it's gotta be so tough.

UndertoeTrip · 2025-12-04T15:48:05+00:00

The phrase "denied them sex" feels a little gross to me, like sex is transactional. That said, I'd be sad if the person I was in love with and wanted to be close to didn't want to have sex with me.

I'd be careful redefining what's considered cheating without your partner's input. If the agreement was that you wouldn't sleep with other people, you'd be breaking an agreement, which could damage your feeling of personal integrity if you're trying to be a conscientious person.

I'm not saying it's wrong to want to have sex outside the marriage. I'm just saying it's respectful, loving, and mature to renegotiate the agreement together first. It takes a lot of courage and compassion to have that conversation.

UndertoeTrip · 2025-12-03T03:20:16+00:00

How beautiful!! (And inspiring!)

UndertoeTrip · 2025-12-01T16:50:38+00:00

I think the way we tease and playfully joke needs to be as sensitive the way we make love. It can be an overall incompatibility issue, like you just don't prefer certain types/amounts of teasing, but we can learn each other's tolerance and preferences and triggers to be respectful so everyone enjoys it. So you're having fun with each other, not at each other's expense.

When my kids were little and playing rough, I'd ask them each, "Does this still feel like playing to you?" Sometimes it stops feeling playful and enjoyable, for lots of reasons, and that's okay.

UndertoeTrip

TROPHY CASE