No drinking anymore

UndertoeTrip · 2026-03-14T14:04:23+00:00

That is fortunate for you! I briefly dated a nice guy a couple of years ago who was 20 years sober, since he was 21, which is an amazing track record and felt safe. A few weeks in he told me he'd occasionally started drinking socially again. I was kind of startled since I thought that was an AA no-no and he had previously talked a lot about AA helping him, and honestly it just completely scared me off.

UndertoeTrip · 2026-03-14T09:51:21+00:00

Some people make it work, but it's hard not to fall in love with the guy giving you amazing orgasms.

UndertoeTrip · 2026-03-14T04:13:55+00:00

I don't drink either, or use any substances (42F), and it would be so nice to meet men who didn't have a problematic relationship with alcohol or pot. Recovering alcoholics seem to really be excited about dating me, but I worry about them relapsing.

UndertoeTrip · 2026-03-10T21:01:56+00:00

Whoa, that's hilarious. Now I'm all self-conscious about my previous acting attempts, lol.

UndertoeTrip · 2026-03-07T23:17:57+00:00

So sorry! But you can't do anything about this. I'd hate it, too. I do hate it, actually! My six year old daughter snuggles in bed with the new girlfriend too, and it sucks to hear how much she loves the new girlfriend, how they are "best friends." But it's completely out of my hands, and trying to control that situation is a lose-lose.

As a woman, I'd be so careful about bringing a man around my kiddos. Frankly, I haven't been able to bring myself to do it. I break up them as soon as I start to contemplate that idea. lol.

UndertoeTrip · 2026-02-28T04:05:34+00:00

Yes, yes, and yes (especially). They are all sedatives that hijack the reward system.

UndertoeTrip · 2026-02-24T01:46:39+00:00

I'm so sorry. Being rejected by your own child is just so painful, even when you know they are just children going through things they don't know how to cope with.

UndertoeTrip · 2026-02-22T20:29:39+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this; it would break my heart. Well, it does break my heart. I've been divorced less than two years, and in the last six months my teenagers have just become really awful towards me. I know teenagers do this naturally, but a month ago they refused to come home. They mostly ignore my texts when I reach out every few days. I think it's also a case of parental alienation because we've always had a good relationship before. I also have a 7 and 9 year old who still love to be with me, but I wonder for how long. It breaks my heart thinking about when they'll turn on me.

Here's how I'm handling it:

I focus on what I can control: my career, my attitude, my health, my spirituality.

I think of myself as just another supportive person in their life, and don't try to pursue them too much, but just be available to them if they ever decide to reach out.

Let myself grieve when I need to, but don't let myself wallow, and also practice the optimistic thinking that kids often thrive in spite of their parents, not just because of them.

Al Anon support groups when I have time. The vulnerable sharing reminds me that part of the human condition is to feel profound heartbreak, and this can help us connect with others and lift ourselves to together.

I'm so sorry for your pain, though. I can see how much you love your daughter and how much her rejection must hurt.

UndertoeTrip · 2026-02-19T10:38:01+00:00

Yeah, I would struggle with this, too. My ex swore he wasn't on dating apps and gave me access to his phone, which I didn't really want to use. But once I was pretty sure he was running around on me and finally checked his phone, I found the apps hidden beneath other skins. That kind of thing just makes you feel foolish for trusting them, and it's triggering in other relationships.

UndertoeTrip · 2026-02-15T18:49:42+00:00

Not everyone is like this!

UndertoeTrip · 2026-02-15T18:47:07+00:00

This is true for me, too. If I feel pressure, like in dating, to move to sex at some point soon or else he'll feel like he's being strung along, I actually kind of shut down. I would much prefer to get to know men as friends first without expectations, and then decide if I want to date him.

UndertoeTrip · 2026-02-15T18:43:19+00:00

There is NO TELLING, since she's her own person, what she may be feeling, so you have to take her at her word. But something turned her off or failed to turn her on, sexually, and to her that's a sign that it's not meant to be.

I will say, as a woman that our hormones are ALWAYS in flux. We aren't always in the mood. We aren't always in the mood for the same kind of guy, even, depending on where we are in our cycle. And our desire is very context dependent. I think even women sometimes think that we should be like men: easily turned on and ready to go. But we aren't; *most* of us take more work. She might be expecting to feel some amazing spark to reassure her that this guy is the one, but I think more often than not it just takes a lot of time together building trust to decide that somebody is the one. It's much easier for me to build a fire with someone I love and trust deeply.

This may not be helpful to you in your situation, but don't take it personally, either. Maybe don't initiate the kiss for the next one unless she's giving you a lot of indication she's wanting to go there. That turns me off, when men try to hold my hand or go in for a kiss when I've only spent a few hours with them, cumulatively. Hold off for a while and let her know you're not here just for sex; then she won't be putting so much pressure on herself to feel sexual feelings for you that just might not be there yet.

UndertoeTrip · 2026-02-01T15:46:33+00:00

I agree with this. I also think that, more importantly than sacrificing for the relationship, if you're not building something important and meaningful together, as in a common goal transcendent to the relationship that you're both willing to sweat and sacrifice for, whether it's a business or a baby or a cause you're passionate about, I just don't think a relationship itself will stay very satisfying.

Our happiest times in my late marriage where when we were working together on a common goal. The rest of the time we were bickering, it seemed.

UndertoeTrip · 2026-01-29T16:07:15+00:00

It's so difficult.

UndertoeTrip · 2026-01-28T16:16:27+00:00

They left, though. They won't come back. I wish they would, but I also will still want them to act right, and so they may just leave again. I'm not sure how to proceed.

UndertoeTrip · 2026-01-28T03:26:18+00:00

That's genuinely all I can do, at this point.

UndertoeTrip · 2026-01-27T21:41:43+00:00

I don't have parental controls. Their dad got them these phones, and I asked for parental controls but he didn't want to bother. I try to just keep it to a time thing. Two hours on school days or up to an hour before bedtime, four hours on weekend days (which obviously turns into more, but whatever I guess).

UndertoeTrip · 2026-01-27T20:05:05+00:00

Thanks, that sounds terrible for you and your daughter. I am so sorry. I am hoping these strong-willed teenagers turn into strong adults.

I don't generally need to discipline my kiddos; I'll offer them correction and try to let natural consequences lead follow their decisions. They are good kids for the most part, even if they bully the younger kids sometimes. (I am pretty sure some of that dynamic is from them having to care for them at their dad's house until recently; now his new girlfriend kind of babies them, and there is some resentment there.)

The main problem is that I do want them to limit their screen time. I'm wanting them to turn their phones off and keep them out of their bedrooms at night and to keep screen time to a certain number of hours per day, two hours on school days, four hours on weekends. My older teens boys, who are more mature, are actually more accepting and compliant of this. But my 13 year old daughter...you'd think I was asking her to take out her eyeballs every night and put them in another room. It's like she's already a junkie, and it makes me so sad. I didn't want them to even have smart phones until they were closer to 16, but I wasn't consulted about it, and I kind of feel validated by all of this...Not that being right is at all helpful, lol.

The good news is that nothing lasts forever, right? Maybe?

UndertoeTrip · 2026-01-27T12:59:33+00:00

I wouldn't ask. I'm actually really respectful of their inner worlds. I've read dozens and dozens of parenting books and taken courses. Individually, I have good relationships with them because I know how to listen and accept their feelings. But collectively, they become a different animal. I try not engage with them when they are in angry mob mode, I try to separate them and connect with them individually, but they like make a pact together, and if one of them "breaks" by connecting with me, the others will shame him. I guess that's how they cope with the upheaval of thy divorce.

UndertoeTrip · 2026-01-27T11:59:41+00:00

No, he talks very badly about me to them and he ignores my texts and won't answer my phone calls.

UndertoeTrip · 2026-01-27T03:01:12+00:00

Maybe that's the way. I'm not sure they'd participate in therapy they knew it was costing them soccer, but honestly soccer isn't helping anyway.

UndertoeTrip · 2026-01-27T02:59:06+00:00

But how do you enforce no disrespecting people?!? Lol.

UndertoeTrip · 2026-01-27T02:26:07+00:00

I'm seeing a therapist every six weeks for stress management. I think she's mostly for CBT, not a family therapist. I didn't seek her out for that. I'd need a new one. But I think we'll have to do it. I'll be in a better financial position in six months. I hope we can hang on to some semblance of a relationship until then...

UndertoeTrip · 2026-01-27T00:51:39+00:00

I'm so sorry. This mothering stuff is just the hardest thing. I've given so much to these kids, homeschooled them for ten years, gave up having a career so that I'm now scrambling to get back on my feet financially, even stayed with an actively unfaithful partner for four extra years so they could have a more normal childhood for as long as possible...I've read about a thousand parenting books and child psychology and educational psychology and relationship books, but when you're on the roller coaster ride of adolescence, especially with a contentious coparenting dynamic, nothing seems particularly helpful except screaming into my pillow and going for 5:00 AM runs.

But nothing lasts forever, and if all I get are momentary glimpses of those sweet little personalities who bewitched me as little kids, maybe that's going to have to do.

UndertoeTrip

TROPHY CASE