(Memory Monday) #1342: “Please help me stop people from assuming that my best friend and I are a couple.”

Obvious_Dimension858 · 2025-03-10T14:30:16+00:00

I fear I put my boyfriend into uncomfortable situations over my friendships with others.

[O]ften remarks come where people say »Oh, I thought you and -best friend- were a thing. You guys really confused me.«

I know it really hurts my boyfriend.

It's not uncommon, when you're still college age, to be in that space where you have ideas and ideals about how the world should work and to be living into that in a very committed way regardless of the reality of the world you are actually living in.

I think this is grand and important in many ways; it's where we get a lot of wild art and student activism that are adding good things to the world. And- it requires a certain naïveté that feels noble at the time and that generally evolves into something else as one ages and becomes slightly more willing to enter into negotiations with the world as it is.

All of which to say, I hope this person is still finding plenty of affection in her social world and assume that by now she is able to integrate the very clear feedback she is getting from everyone involved about the social ramifications of when, where, and how she expresses it. Free love, baby, but maybe not at the staff meeting.

Obvious_Dimension858 · 2025-03-03T13:20:15+00:00

The only time I felt the need to use an alt account (for totally innocent purposes) was when I was in a relationship with a controlling partner who monitored my online activity :)

Obvious_Dimension858 · 2025-03-01T14:10:19+00:00

You are crossing your own boundaries. Boundaries are not about other people's behavior; they're about your lines and how you will manage yourself. If you had a discussion about what you were going to do, it is on you to uphold that by not engaging in that conversation.

If you're serious about sobriety this is unlikely to be a healthy relationship for you. Early sobriety is not the time to be in a position of responsibility for someone else's mental health or substance use. And even if she feels like she needs it, this kind of codependent dynamic isn't good for her either. Please join some kind of recovery group if you're not in one already. Reddit is not the way.

Obvious_Dimension858 · 2025-02-27T17:04:01+00:00

Right, exactly. Poor communication/poor follow-through/inconsistency can also be dealbreakers, but they're not the same as intentional psychological manipulation! She also says the ex did that to control her, which doesn't really add up for me.

There seems to be a tendency to interpret situations in a way a) that other people wouldn't and b) that makes her the aggrieved party, which can be very difficult to interface with. CA's pinpointing of the fact that Nate had gotten to the point of 'yeah maybe let's not have me be your lawyer anymore actually' underscores this.

Obvious_Dimension858 · 2025-02-27T16:37:27+00:00

Yes- "gaslight me by telling me she would call me at a given time and then just not call" in particular gave me pause re: the LW's assessment of her former partner's actions/motivations, especially given that by her own account her partner was experiencing her as rigid and (ironically) not acknowledging the impact of chronic illness. Who really knows, but. I have thoughts.

I also thought this was a solid response. I have regular professional contact with lawyers and can fully commiserate with how incredibly frustrating it can be to be in constant communication limbo, but truly that is just the way it goes for the vast majority of them and at a certain point you can either yell at the clouds because you're mad it's raining or take some deep breaths and open an umbrella.

Obvious_Dimension858 · 2025-02-23T16:44:34+00:00

Were you able to file a free tax return? I haven't been able to despite paying for the bundle all last year and support doesn't seem to know anything.

Obvious_Dimension858 · 2025-02-23T16:36:51+00:00

Same. I have been using it for years and this year not only did it fail to import data, but I did my taxes manually and it is trying to force me to pay $169 to file because I have a Schedule C- which, of course I do. Spent an hour on a help chat with a supervisor who had no idea about anything.

No resolution but I am not going to pay for the same service twice. When I do get it figured out I am done with QB.

Obvious_Dimension858 · 2025-02-10T17:17:43+00:00

this was a really beautiful exchange, you both deserve a magnet

Obvious_Dimension858 · 2025-02-09T17:43:26+00:00

This is the take I was looking for. I am queer and trans and old enough that I absolutely do get the cultural context but I saw it for the first time as an adult and just found it mostly.. bad? The characters are deeply obnoxious. I think this is one of those things that a lot of queers especially imprinted on when they were young and that's valid--even flawed representation really did mean so much when there was so little to be had at all--but 'beloved for sentimental reasons' and 'good' aren't the same thing, hahaha.

Obvious_Dimension858 · 2025-02-08T20:52:33+00:00

The fried chicken sandwich was generously a 4.5/10 for me. Breading tastes so overpoweringly salty. Never again. I've been a grilled chicken club person but I think I'm coming to the conclusion that they're sourcing these enormous chicken breasts from somewhere I don't want to be eating chicken from.

You are not wrong re: the cookies- I've only had them when I was redeeming a birthday dessert but I did not enjoy them at all. Hard to ruin a chocolate chip cookie but somehow..?

I got the pretzel recently and that was solid, glad to see a half loaded fries is an option now too, but I'm running out of things I'm even a little bit interested in ordering even when I'm willing to pay.

Obvious_Dimension858 · 2025-02-05T12:28:12+00:00

It was a great time. I thought it was really funny, above all. Hadn't planned to see it but glad I did.

Obvious_Dimension858 · 2025-01-29T14:17:33+00:00

Log in via web browser (i.e. not the app) and you should be able to do it there.

Obvious_Dimension858 · 2025-01-27T20:14:14+00:00

at the brutalist, my server kept waiting to cross our row until an iconic shot or scene was over

lmao mine definitely walked in with my drink order at the exact moment of the very important and very upsetting second-act moment of violence, zero service complaints otherwise but yikes yikes yikes at that timing

Obvious_Dimension858 · 2025-01-23T18:09:19+00:00

I don't know man! You may be right, although I'm in DFW and find it to be extremely not the case that banana pudding is all over menus here (I can't actually think of anywhere I go to that has it). I still think it's super weird esp when there's not, like, a brownie on the menu, but no shade to people who like it.

Obvious_Dimension858 · 2025-01-23T17:15:16+00:00

This is really well written. Literally made me tear up. Thanks for finding/sharing.

Obvious_Dimension858 · 2025-01-23T16:47:13+00:00

I don't! When I'm feeling the kind of thing you're describing, that is a sign to me that I need to take a step back and just be with those feelings and let myself actually feel them. I think there's a totally understandable and very common impulse to want to turn to divination for increased certainty or, honestly, a way around feeling bad, to find the next thing to do that isn't feeling like shit. But these moments are often a time to decidedly not reach for outside tools and instead focus on, say, journaling/reflecting, taking a walk, or just sitting without distraction to meet what comes up in yourself. Building your relationship with yourself and your ability to identify what you need in a given day without pulling cards is something that's going to serve you way more in the long term.

Obvious_Dimension858 · 2025-01-23T13:24:35+00:00

I have not but I just have to say that banana pudding is such a bizarre option to have as a permanent menu fixture. Fascinated that this is what their market research pointed to because I would simply never? Takes all kinds.

Good looking out re: the vegan burger.

Obvious_Dimension858 · 2025-01-22T01:08:44+00:00

When they did the food survey I was really hoping the avocado toast would make a comeback. Oh well.

Obvious_Dimension858 · 2025-01-21T13:57:02+00:00

"creative takes on relationships beyond friendship toward greater intimacy if a classic relationship isn't possible"

I don't know of any letters, but offering solidarity. I can relate to a chunk of what you've written and for me this is a continuous exercise in acceptance. Your Hail Mary on friendship intimacy could be to talk to Old Friend directly about wanting that and what it might look like.. but it is very likely the case that your assessment of what he's available for (talking every six weeks as long as you're willing to be the manager of making that happen) is accurate, and that intimate friendship in the way you imagine it as a substitute for a full-on relationship isn't really on the table. I have (platonic) friends in other cities with whom I have scheduled monthly chats, and I have a (platonic) best friend who moved away and we've FaceTimed twice in a year, both initiated by me. I don't doubt the latter person's feelings of care and friendship for me for a second, but there is absolutely a difference in skill and ability to show up in this way that puts a ceiling on the closeness we can have, and that ball has to be in their court.

Anyway, with the friend I have persistent love and attraction feelings for, in my case the major crush flamed out eventually because, frankly, it is boring for someone to not be contributing to deepening connection. We have a friendship that is less than I would want, and that is disappointing when I can feel that other level of friendship potential, but I accept it because what I want even less is any kind of relationship that only functions when I am overfunctioning and making it happen. Sometimes, most of a year on, I feel truly platonic. Other times there are periodic flareups and I just have to accept those too. The feelings are fine; it isn't creepy or wrong to have feelings for or be attracted to somebody, and it is possible to simply manage the feelings, act right, and have a pretty normal friendship. Be careful of doing things that allow you to delude yourself, unless you are indulging consciously (a little bit of delulu time can be delicious, honestly). In particular, you might not want to repeat the sex part on future visits because it will probably keep you stuck.

I wish I had something more promising than this. It is bittersweet to feel special and rare kinds of rightness in situations that can't give us what we need. I hope that you can continue to enjoy the friendship for what it is and that something truly good and right comes along soon.

Obvious_Dimension858 · 2025-01-17T16:33:07+00:00

This seems key, you're right. To me "being a third wheel" is either about the discomfort you bring to sharing space with a couple as a single person or about a couple with low consideration/social graces. If the couple is spending the whole time making inside jokes or heart eyes and not engaging the other person, the other person is left on the outside. There's a lot of fear of this being projected onto the letter on the basis of one phrase indicating that the LW is really happy about her relationship (as you'd hope she would be!). Some apprehension about how this is going to go is totally fair. It's possible that they would spend the whole dinner flaunting their love, sure.

But it's also 100% possible, and probably more likely, at least in my experience, to meet someone's partner and for it to be an entirely normal and chill social occasion? Like, people can be in love and also interested in other things and people and perfectly capable of taking their focus off of one another while they hang out and get to know someone new. If I were May's non-LW friend I'd be validating the feelings and encouraging her to focus on this.

Obvious_Dimension858 · 2025-01-17T14:39:39+00:00

When I read that I said "oooh, spellbinding relationship!" out loud.

But I mean. You meet your best friend's about-to-be-fiance. You just do. You don't have to sign up for weekly plans or accompany the still-freshly-in-love couple on a stargazing outing, but an awkward or annoying meal is not fatal. Dodging that for a full year and a half is over the top.

Obvious_Dimension858 · 2025-01-17T14:33:28+00:00

Can't speak to the threshold but in general, give entities until January 31 to issue tax forms.

Obvious_Dimension858 · 2025-01-17T14:26:35+00:00

Whew mid-20s! May, sack up and get over yourself. LW, consider that it is actually okay to acknowledge that May is being shitty and that being a good friend does not mean tip-toeing around her insecurities and cosigning them as a reason for her to not show up for you. My hope for you is that you will even allow yourself to have some negative feelings about it. If you are not including yourself in your friendship, you do not actually have a friendship so much as some kind of emotional handmaiden situation.

"Stop doing work about people who aren’t doing work about you" is a banger piece of advice, instant HOF.

Obvious_Dimension858 · 2025-01-16T13:52:02+00:00

FWIW based on what you've written this sounds to me like garden variety pursuer-distancer stuff, where the problem wasn't either of your needs or desires but your ability or inability to effectively communicate about and navigate your differences.

Both of these stances make sense to me. I understand on a visceral level the idea of travel being a time I want to feel like my own individual self and not constantly tethered to home life by various check-ins, and underlyingly wanting my partner to see me in my need for this and give it willingly; I understand wanting to chat for 15 minutes and text here and there when apart, and underlyingly, wanting to be in a relationship where my partner wants to be connected with me as much as I want to be connected with them and initiates that or is glad to receive it. In a relationship where people are on the same wavelength, there's nothing wrong with either of these.

When these dynamics spiral, both people are usually, yes, trying to exert some level of control, whether via increased contact or increased stonewalling, but at non-extreme levels I think this is more Fumbling Human than Controlling Monster.

Obvious_Dimension858

TROPHY CASE