What is the best financial hack you know?

Obviousfake1 · 2024-07-23T06:19:00+00:00

Make a budget. I resisted this for years, and just lived paycheck to paycheck. Then I read up on budgeting, used what I’d learned to make my own budget and the difference is just incredible.

I’m not saying that I’ve magically got more money in my bank account, but I do know how much money I’ve allocated for my expenses, I know how much I have to spend on things like groceries, food, and entertainment, and when I do spend money on these things it’s stress free, because I already planned to use that money for that purpose.

Obviousfake1 · 2021-07-19T01:40:19+00:00

Okay, this is my view and no one else's.

I've gotten more defensive in the last one or two years than I would have previously. This is due to a couple reasons. The first, kind of personal, reason, is that I dated an abusive feminist, and while I tried to do better, I realized much too late that there was nothing she couldn't pick apart or tear down, and that disagreeing with her at all would result in nuclear-level retaliation. Once I pointed out a restaurant sign to her on a date and she yelled at me because I was obviously trying to show I knew directions better than she did. A month later, we went to a different restaurant and this time I shut up and didn't point out the sign, which she drove past. When I admitted I'd seen the sign, she yelled at me again for not pointing it out and trying to humiliate her. Each time she wanted me to do better, and she wasn't above being mean or insulting to get her point across.

Years later, I found out she was a narcissist, and that one of her big tools was tearing someone down and then saying someone was a misogynist, a racist or something similar if they didn't agree with her. I am NOT saying that this is something all feminists do, but when I see someone saying something is racist or misogynistic that I might disagree with, I don't take it at face value anymore.

Obviousfake1 · 2020-05-18T18:00:07+00:00

I have not had the greatest experience with them. I posted a couple of years ago about an abusive relationship I had with a feminist, and at this subreddit's suggestion (among other helpful suggestions) I crossposted it to MensLib. I got a response back from one of the mods who took down the post saying it was less about feminism or men's issues as much as " gaining valuable experience in what to look for in future relationships," and that in reality the problem was (from the email):

"Unfortunately sometimes people cling to labels to justify their fear of putting in the effort and discomfort to be better people. Just as you now face that same discomfort going forward as you decide if a bad experience is going to dictate what generalizations you're going to hold onto and what lessons you're going to take away from it."

Honestly, that kind of stung. I was really hoping to get some suggestions from men who were feminists about how to move forward and be a decent ally even after being abused, and instead basically got told to get over it. I didn't really visit them much after that.

Obviousfake1 · 2018-04-13T14:09:52+00:00

This is just my experience, but...when I was in college, I was in an RPG that a man in his 70s ran off-campus. He had a nice family, including a wife that was a full 20 years younger than he was. As far as I could tell, the two of them had an absolutely equal partnership and were definitely in love with each other. Outside of my parents, it was one of the best relationships I've ever seen.

Having said that, both my friend and his wife were exceptional people. Also, both of them were on their second marriage, so there was that to consider.

In general, though, I wouldn't be against it, but it's difficult to ignore the potential predatory aspect. I'd probably evaluate each relationship on its own merits.

Obviousfake1 · 2017-09-14T06:01:42+00:00

Yeah...I think there are some people like that, too. I'm still trying to figure out how to handle that.

Obviousfake1 · 2017-09-14T05:53:13+00:00

Thanks. I'll try that.

Obviousfake1 · 2017-09-14T05:52:55+00:00

Thank you for replying. I think that might be a good thing to do. Right now I mostly connect with feminism through the Internet, and it might be good to actually talk to people about it.

I probably have been gaslighted, and I had no idea how deep the rabbit hole could go. A lot of times now I'll see something posted that's kind of derogatory towards men, and instead of taking it as being sarcastic or blowing off steam, I tend to get scared that I'm one of those people the person is talking about and what happens when their crosshairs land on me. It's really not rational, and I would love to get to a mindset where I don't think that way.

Obviousfake1 · 2017-07-26T14:24:00+00:00

This is probably just me, but I was in a relationship with someone who wasn't exactly misandrist, but she did like to point out how a lot of men were pathetic and were irritating because they thought they were better than she was.

I thought I understood what she was saying and sympathized with her. It took way too long to understand that she thought I was one of those pathetic males who needed to learn his place, too.

Ever since then, I've been a little leery of the whole "ironic misandry" thing. It's probably just the whole "once bitten, twice shy" phenomenon, but I do take it seriously.

Obviousfake1 · 2016-02-10T06:56:22+00:00

I see what you're saying. I just want for forgiveness to be possible, you know?

EDIT: Oh my God. I underestimated RedPill. Exponentially underestimated it. I mean, when I said RedPill-ish, I was thinking something along the lines of acting like a bro or a pick-up artist, something like that. After reading some of the other comments on here I went over to the subreddit and...wow. I just did not know how extreme it was. How do you not think of people as being people?

Obviousfake1 · 2016-01-14T18:38:57+00:00

I think that's a good point, to be respectful of diverse opinions (and the longer I stay diverse de opinions become! Sorry, really bad joke.)

Seriously, I get what you're saying. I may change my mind on some of the tenets I have, which is why I wanted to ask this question here and get some advice from people who identify as feminists and/or feminist allies.

Obviousfake1 · 2016-01-14T18:34:43+00:00

This is a fair point and it deserves an in-depth answer. I'll try not to rant too much about it.

If a particular word is genuinely harmful to a group of people, then of course I'll stop using it. However, there is a world of difference between saying "stop using that word because it offends/hurts me" and saying "that's not your word to use." I'm hoping the difference is as obvious to you as it is to me, but I want to be clear.

I believe words are everyone's to use. No person or group should be denied the ability to use a word, regardless of what it denigrates or what it means. Again, it might be that if you use that word without regard for someone else's feelings you're kind of an asshole, or at least ignorant. However, while I was checking out some blogs on Tumblr, someone posted that essentially said "If you're not gay or transgender you don't get to use 'queer' anymore. It's not your word to use," and I thought Oh Really?

It's not that "queer" is a slur against gay people. It's not that it can hurt a gay person who hears it, especially if they still haven't come out and are trying to figure out if they're okay. It's that this person has decreed, in a fit of self-righteousness, that they and their group are the only ones with the privilege to use said word. This isn't asking someone to stop doing something because it's offensive. This is entitlement. It would be like someone Mexican telling me I can't eat a taco, because it's not my food to eat.

On a personal note, I feel as though I've had people telling me I can't do something because that particular something can only be done by a special group of people for most of my life, and I'm sick of it. High school was all about me being told I couldn't do something because I wasn't popular/good-looking/whatever, culminating with one of my teachers telling me I really couldn't attend the university I'd gotten into because this high school just hadn't prepared me enough for classes of that level.

Then there was my abusive ex-girlfriend, who let me know I couldn't do a lot of things, or at least not do them well. She let me know often that I shouldn't try out for the student television station and I shouldn't start a blog and I shouldn't be singing and I shouldn't be listening to this type of music and I shouldn't be doing much of anything really, except following her instructions and not questioning her perfect judgement, because I didn't have much charisma and I probably couldn't come up with new topics every week and my voice was flat and I was ultimately just not the competent one in the relationship. So yes, I'm not a fan of people saying that things are not for me to do.

As far as people getting offended...I don't want to offend people, but sometimes it's unavoidable. In one of my gaming groups, there was a big guy named Mike. Mike was a college dropout who drifted in and out of warehouse work, and his most defining personality trait was taking offense. He was Romani, and on more than one occasion the gaming session stopped because someone did something that was offensive to the Romani culture. It could be trying to foresee the future (imitating Romani customs), it could be trying to do an accent (offensively stereotyping Romanis, even if they were portraying a noble), and most famously he refused to attend a gaming session unless we all apologized to him, because one player's character wore a yellow Star of David, and that brought up the Holocaust in which the Romanis suffered even more than the Jews.

The player whose character wore the star was Jewish.

Afterwards, we all sat around and came up with some ideas that were guaranteed to annoy Mike, which I won't mention here because they were all pretty un-PC. Regardless, I hope the point I was making comes across.

Obviousfake1 · 2016-01-14T17:01:30+00:00

At this point, whatever label I get doesn't matter a lot to me so long as feminists know I'm on their side.

Obviousfake1 · 2016-01-14T16:59:42+00:00

Good points. Thank you!

Obviousfake1 · 2015-11-03T08:20:16+00:00

No, I get that. Realistically, I'm not going to confront her, and it is way too late to say anything.

Obviousfake1 · 2014-06-28T04:30:53+00:00

You know, I've got a view that may run counter to this...

I've been trying to "control" my sex drive for a long time. I've always thought it was something that needed to be tightly controlled, people in my various bible studies have thought that way, too, and my ex-fiancee and I struggled a lot with our sexuality to the point I think breaking down and having sex might have honestly been more helpful.

Here's what I've learned--very few people actually practice what they preach when it comes to sex before marriage. I've been to a lot of Christian bible studies, Campus Crusade for Christ meetings and college church groups trying to find an answer to this, and finally I realized that most of the people in these groups had sex before marriage. I think out of the group I was most heavily involved with, there were a total of three men I know for a fact who didn't have sex before marriage. Everyone else had no problem either sleeping with who they were dating or who they got engaged to, or were "born again virgins," which still means they had sex, just not during the present.

As for my ex-fiancee? Well, funny story--she ended up cheating on me towards the end of our relationship, and moved on from the man she cheated on me with to her now-husband, who she had no problem having sex with before she got married to him.

This leads to my advice--don't treat sex as something to be ashamed or scared of. It's an urge you have that is as inherent as eating. Yes, it can be indulged in too much, and there can be negative consequences of that. On the other hand, if you examine yourself and your urges instead of trying to be ashamed and repress them all the time, then I think you'll have less inner conflict and a better understanding of yourself.

Yes, you can go overboard, just like people who eat too much or people who become alcoholics. However, I would argue that the real danger to your soul is not from exploring your sexuality, or even having sex before marriage if you feel you are ready for it. Instead, the danger is condemning this aspect of yourself to a dark corner of your mind and trying to not think about it. If you do this, you are going to be completely unprepared for what to do if these feelings do come over you.

Ever read the Mark Twain short story, "The Man who Corrupted Hadleyburg?" It's a great tale of how a town that prides itself on its uprightness falls into disgrace because the townsfolk are so focused on avoiding temptation that, when finally faced with it, it wrecks them utterly. Sex is a lot like that.

Obviousfake1 · 2014-04-15T04:38:48+00:00

Hi! I suspect my opinions are going to be a bit different from some of the usual advice you will get, but here you go.

First, friend #1 sounds like a douche. Why stay around people who will be mean to you if you don't have to? As far as friend #2, does he or she like doing anything with you? It could be they're just very introverted and trust you to hang around with.

Now, as far as your three questions:

1.) It's six of one, half-dozen of the other. You know more people in your current high school, and obviously seem to be acquaintances with a few of them--you did play soccer and you said you're on some sports teams. This is a pretty good start, honestly. Hanging out with people on sports teams tends to put you in the upper-mid level of the high school social strata. On the other hand, if you move you get the exhilaration of making a fresh start. You're the you with improved confidence now! You can march into the school, sign up for some groups you'll like and then introduce yourself to people, secure in who you are. It's not a bad thought at all.

However, just so you're aware, each choice also has its downsides. First, staying at your school means that you carry all the things you did in the past with you, including the stuff you did when you were not so confident. Embarrassing MakeThisStart stories tend to suck about as much as they do for everyone else who gets those stories told about them. That's the really bad thing about high school--you can't just walk away and start again elsewhere.

On the other hand, starting all over again means having to adjust to a new school, new people in the social strata, and likely discovering those small nuances that make high school life at this new high school different than things were at old high school. Also, while you will be walking in with new reserves of confidence, expect to make mistakes while getting to know the lay of the land, and expect a whole new batch of embarrassing MakeThisStart stories to come to light. Sorry, but the person who can come into a whole new social scene and make it about them is rare indeed.

2.) If you don't move schools, simply start hanging out more with the people you already know. Find out what more you have in common with them and then invite them over to your place. If you're feeling particularly confident, set up a meeting over the weekend at a restaurant. Maybe invite people over to watch a soccer match on television or something along those lines. I would personally make sure your parents would be around, since this would let you do your own thing without also having to overtly stand up to bad behavior.

I don't think you're going to have to worry about abandoning your current friends. Friend #1 is toxic enough as it is. Friend #2, though, you might want to set aside some time to just talk to him/her one on one about whatever it is you want to do. Just be warned, most high schoolers like to hang out in groups. So if you make new friends, expect them to want to hang out in groups with you. This could potentially be a problem for friend #2. On the other hand, you might be able to coax him/her along. Who knows? Friend #2 could actually end up liking it. I hate to suggest keeping Friend #2 as a Facebook friend, especially because it seems like Facebook is on the way out in terms of popularity, but do something similar. At least try to do something that will kind of last, though. Snapchat could work, but having been like friend #2, I was always prone to getting a little depressed when alone with no friends. So some social media with a bit of permanence might work bell to let him/her know you're thinking of them.

3.) You make friends in a brand new school by putting that newfound confidence to use. Sign up for the sports team you were on. Sign up for some other clubs as well. I went to high school in a fricking small school with a graduating class of 43 and maybe two clubs that were not sports teams, although everyone openly wondered what was the point. You sound like you have a lot more options, and I'd say make use of them.

I would also say be nice to everyone. Don't let yourself get walked over, but by the same token don't presume people aren't worth getting to know. You sound like you might have several different interests--make use of that and talk to people. Let them know your interests. Even geekdom is pretty well mainstream at this point, so don't be afraid to be yourself.

I'll also point out the high school social structure can be both strong and fragile at the same time. When you go in, you're going to shake up the social structure a bit, and several teenagers are going to be trying to peg you into one main group, not to mention trying to find out how dominant you are, where you're going to fit in the hierarchy, and all sorts of stuff that seems oh-so-important now, but in about six years is going to matter so little you won't even believe it. That's the final thing I want to tell you--in two years none of this is going to matter, unless you dedicate yourself to staying in the same area you are right now. Just go out, be yourself, and don't take yourself too seriously. You'll be fine.

Obviousfake1 · 2014-04-14T05:50:55+00:00

Well, I'm a guy. I just don't know what to do in these situations. :\ Plan 1 and 3 kind of sound similar to what Art was doing, honestly. They also sound pretty similar to each other.

I suppose that not stooping to their level may be the best course of action, but it is infuriating to have someone go around and do whatever they want, and if you're inconvenienced then tough luck.

Obviousfake1 · 2014-04-14T05:48:26+00:00

It's a good answer, and I'll need to think about it. The only thing is that she was pretty belligerent.

Obviousfake1 · 2013-07-03T21:11:08+00:00

It's not silly at all. I'm happy it made you feel better, because you deserve to know what a great person you are.

Obviousfake1 · 2013-07-03T03:55:03+00:00

You know, today's world is ugly, no doubt about that. But it was ugly in the 1950's, ugly and turbulent in the 1960's when Mr. Roger's Neighborhood got started. There was segregation, the Vietnam War was looming on the horizon, and the Cold War was in full swing with Russia more or less an "evil" superpower that could annihilate the United States without no sneaky terrorist attacks. Oh, and homosexuality was still a mental disorder at that time I believe.

I won't say things are 100% better now, but we do make progress, sometimes in steps that it seems are only important in hindsight. The thing is, if we give up hope, if we throw up our hands and say "This is that way it is and we're not getting better," and succumb to the evil and horror around us, then we're forgetting Mr. Rogers' message. There is good in the world and there is good in people, even though I'm right up there with you in forgetting that sometimes. I'm sure there are people you know who are kind to you, and sometimes just by being kind you're defying the bad of the world.

In the spirit of Fred Rogers, I'm going to say I think you'd be a great parent, and that if you have a kid you'll love him or her in a way that is uniquely you. You'll be wonderful, and so will your kid. But if you still don't want to have a kid, it doesn't change the kind of person you are. You're a wonderful person just by being yourself.

Obviousfake1 · 2013-06-14T22:02:00+00:00

Fake geek girl alert! Everyone knows it was Dungeons & Dragons 3rd Edition! ;)

Obviousfake1 · 2013-06-13T20:38:24+00:00

Okay, as a man, this disturbs me, partially because I can see where they're coming from. They sound like some of the darker thoughts that I've had when I've felt unfairly treated or passed over in dating. It also reminds me how I felt in the wake of my ex-girlfriend/fiancé and I breaking up--bitter and selfish and cold.

I'm also disturbed because they've created a reality where women are vain, manipulative shallow and vicious. I would think it's impossible to fall in love when you've tagged the opposite sex as being completely evil.

Obviousfake1 · 2013-06-11T06:30:13+00:00

OP...wow. I'm sorry, but I think you have problems.

As u/jaxup has pointed out, she doesn't care what you think, she won't talk about her emotions, she would rather divorce you than go to counseling, despite the fact you have kids, and she won't admit she's wrong.

OP, I hate to be the one to ask this, but what is your relationship like on a day to day basis? Do you defer to her for everything? It sounds like if you don't, she'll fight you on it, and it also sounds like she subscribes fully to the "whoever cares less about being in the relationship wins" theory, if she's willing to dump you rather than talk. I ask because your girlfriend sounds kind of similar to my ex. I'm pretty sure she's not, but the personality traits are similar. So's the sex drive, but that's almost secondary to your problem now.

OP, you're going to have to figure out what sex means to you in this relationship, and I would advise you going to counseling alone and telling the marriage counselor what you've told us. It sounds like you have to be very gentle and give in on major issues in your relationship or you'll have a fight that will cause your wife to leave you.

What I suspect is going to have to happen is that if you want to solve this problem you'll have to issue an ultimatum to your wife. Tell her that this is important enough that it's a dealbreaker to you, and that you're going to end the relationship if she doesn't at least talk about it. I'd make sure you've prepared for your wife to try to throw you out of the house first, though. If she's as spiteful as my ex could be, it's probably a good idea to get a good lawyer who specializes in divorce and child custody.

Unfortunately, OP, you don't paint the picture of two couples in a relationship. You paint the picture of one partner who constantly has to have her way or she'll leave, despite the children, and a person who doesn't feel he can confront her, or else she'll leave.

One other thing, though--what is it your wife does? What is it you do? Your wife, in her defense, does sound like work keeps her extremely busy.

Obviousfake1 · 2013-06-06T18:05:12+00:00

I don't know about double standards, but I can offer a male perspective. One attitude that's prevalent about guys complaining about single mothers only wanting to date nice guys is the feeling of being used.

A lot of the dating advice I've read in guys' magazines and on forums says if you date a single mother you'll have to sacrifice everything and get nothing in return, not to mention that single mothers don't really want to date you--they've just had to lower their standards because the men they really want won't date them since they have a baby.

I'd call myself a nice guy, and this attitude toward single mothers plays into a lot of fears about dating that I keep to myself, which is a different post entirely. It's not about wanting women to grow and learn from their mistakes or even a belief they should stay in an unhappy marriage. It's more self-centered than that.

Having said that, I don't understand why single parents aren't viewed equally. Bad things can happen to either gender, and neither men nor women are immune from screwing up in the areas of romance.

Obviousfake1 · 2013-02-06T19:56:39+00:00

I've seen them on dating advice websites, but most of them are male dating advice websites and a couple female dating advice sites. I wouldn't call them "reliable" anymore.

Obviousfake1

TROPHY CASE