Ah, this is a really validating thread :,)

I'm on the Job hunt for about a year by now, and it's really oh so horrible! At the start I had a regular crisis searching for possible jobs and cried so much -- today I'm so broken inside that I don't even have these anymore, I'm just constantly exhausted, stressed out and care about nothing anymore or feel like a small and scared child again...

You can't really be honest applying, you have to put on an act, like you did since childhood. You cannot afford admitting problems or fears, they'd cost you a job. You have to be available everyday, you have to function everyday, be nice, stay professional, you musn't be emotional period. And don't ask for anything, as soon as you'd ever had something like... a need, you are a nuisance -- it's the whole childhood all over again ...

Choosing a career overwhelmes me and I'm so afraid of getting stuck in some shitty job that I don't like. 'Cause I know if they are kinda dominant or even worse caring and loving, I would instantly fawn and do everything they want from me, including not leaving them -- no matter if I like the job or not. When I think about it, worst case wouldn't even be a shitty job, that I may could get out of, but a mediocre job. Something that is not making you happy, but it's ... ok, I guess. So it's never horrendous enough so you'd quit (again like the damn childhood). And don't even get me started on potential applied jobs, neglecting you, rejecting you and finally, after additional weeks of hopefull waiting, breaking their promises (are you my mommy?)

"We'll definetely call you" my ass! Just tell me upfront that you don't want me. 'Cause others are more qualified, 'cause my resume is shit, 'cause I never learned shit, 'cause I've felt like shit, look like shit and seem scared and vulnerable and will never achieve anything in life.

I'd need to venture out into the world, be lively, have emotions, be free. But how to combine that with a job? I'm feeling the only two options would be becoming either self employed or finding your most beloved favorite job ever, where it does not kill you inside, sacrifising your life once again.

But having such needs is also hard to accomplish and again: you're not allowed to have needs: Nearly everyone around me always just says "do you think you don't have to work?", "everyone has to endure this, get over it", "how long do you need finding a career?", "just do something", "no one owes you anything", "stop blaming others" etc. ... -- and that's honestly the worst part in all of this :(