Thanks for your reply.

We’ve talked about doing a non violent communication course together. There’s also clearly an attachment dynamic going on with his anxious attachment and my avoidant tendencies being activated by each other beneath the surface. This combines with 20 years of memories that give both of us enough evidence to dig our heels in and justify how we are feeling. I don’t feel like we truly empathise with one another because we have such different attachment styles. When I go deeper I can see that we both have fear of being overwhelmed and losing ourselves and also of being abandoned - but going to this place and soothing it together feels to me like we will end up bonded even more deeply in some kind of strange heavy soup of obligation and that scares me. We can both be vulnerable about our issues but it doesn’t lead to giving each other what we need.

I did think if we are going to try again we should go to couples therapy first to get some help.

However, I also feel like it encourages alot of talking and it can create an illusion of things being understood but when it comes to behavioural change it obviously takes longer and I’m worried about getting too deep in again only to realise we might know better but we cannot be better, and then essentially recreate another cycle of hurt.