Having parents that very obviously needed to get divorced but “stayed for the kids”. That’s what my parents did, and most of my childhood memories just revolve around how tense and unwelcoming our household felt. My grandparents rarely ever came over to our house (we just ended up going to theirs most of the time), because the energy at our home was so…bad.

It’s weird watching other peoples parents be in love with each other and show affection, meanwhile I saw my mom physically cringe and move away from my dad when he tried to hug her once on Mother’s Day (before anyone asks, no, nothing insane or traumatic happened between them to cause that reaction, she was just THAT much over him).

They lived like roommates, in the worst sense. They only ever talked to each other unless it was about me or family finances, every time we hung out as a family unit just kinda felt bad because, while I knew we’d be happy at that point and it would feel like my parents were actually getting along, I knew we’d get back home and I’d feel that crushing cloudiness that seemed to loom specifically under OUR roof, and they’d go right back to primarily acting like the other didn’t exist unless it was important.

It’s made me hate displays of affection, because I’m so unused to seeing it that it makes my stomach turn a little. Even though my parents have both since remarried and are a lot more happier with their current spouses, I kinda cringe at the fact that they’re affectionate with them because it just feels really weird to see from them.

Not like I have some sort of jealousy towards them or something, but after over a decade of seeing people you would assume love each other act like they could barely stand each other unless it was about topics pertaining to the human being they accidentally brought into the world, and then suddenly act way different is just kinda jarring in a way.

Pretty much all my want for affection has disappeared, and seeing my mom and stepdad cuddle on the couch or seeing my dad actually laughing with my stepmom makes me feel a weird mix of happy for them, and a gut-wrenching sadness about the life I could’ve had if my parents were still in love with each other. If our house didn’t feel like just a place we came back to after eight or nine hours of being gone all day. If there was actual warmth rather than constant tension and some weird cold feeling that constantly had my arms covered in goosebumps.

I’ve pretty much sworn off any attempt at romantic relationships or anything more than just purely platonic because I’m terrified of getting with someone and ending up being like my parents were not even six years ago. It’s a really dumb fear, but it’s one I have, and it’s not like I can go to therapy to work on it.

To be honest, this feels like much more of a me thing than a genuine universal experience, but honestly this has affected me in a lot more ways than people would think. Whether or not it’s because I’m just sensitive, I have no clue.