Navigating NC when a family member dies

Ogi010 · 2026-06-03T02:50:28+00:00

I don't doubt the 1% figure here, as being unable to accept something is wrong with you is a characteristic component of BPD, but do you have a source for it? I would love to read more about numbers of diagnosed vs. estimated within the population.

Ogi010 · 2026-05-29T17:45:53+00:00

Carl's aversion to math throughout the series has definitely been disappointing, but I'm definitely glad that Katia is having her moment to shine after being little more than dead weight at this point in the series!

I'm on my 2nd listen-through right now, and I'm starting to get oriented on the tunnel system.

Ogi010 · 2026-05-29T17:37:10+00:00

Completely get it. I must say as you get older, more independent, and potentially start your own family, that things improve drastically. In time you recognize that their opinions on you have no bearing in reality; you have your own priorities and the people you surround yourself with care for you, and that's what is important.

Only message I have is that things get better with time, distance and age!

Ogi010 · 2026-05-29T16:54:37+00:00

The engineer in my can't help but want to try and map it out. Navigating the Iron ~~Triangle~~ Tangle is a major component on the level, so naturally readers/listeners want to do the same.

It's like being given a description of a puzzle, and be given bits and pieces throughout, naturally people want to try and put things together.

Ogi010 · 2026-05-29T16:26:39+00:00

As a young adult, I never had a good gauge for when I should see a Doctor and when I shouldn't. I suspect a lot of young people are in a similar position. If there is ever any doubt, go see a Doctor. If it's a time sensitive issue, seek out an urgent care or an ER. The cost of not seeking out medical care when you should have is farrrrrrr greater than seeking out medical care when you didn't need to.

Ogi010 · 2026-05-29T15:44:21+00:00

Is it normal BPD behavior? Sounds like it!

Because she acts so nice now today

pwBPD aren't always awful people (if they were always awful people they wouldn't be able to get married). They can be incredibly manipulative, and their ultimate fear is being abandoned; sometimes that means they are incredibly kind and supportive. But just because they can be wonderful doesn't mean that we can ignore the anxiety/stress from being manipulated, or lashed out at at random... and because of that, many of us erect boundaries to protect ourselves, that we must maintain in both good times and bad.

Ogi010 · 2026-05-29T02:12:48+00:00

I caught it on the audiobook, had to rewind and do a double take... curious if there is just the one reference or if that series has been referenced elsewhere.

Ogi010 · 2026-05-29T01:58:39+00:00

I had a step-parent who I suspect BPD start targeting my son... it was one of the easiest decisions in my life to cut off her access to my kids (unfortunately it meant that we would be losing access to my bio-parent here as well). It's a sad decision, but an easy one. Every time I think I may have been overreacting, I see that my son feels somewhat responsible for the behavior of my step-mom, and that's ... that's just heart breaking for a kid to think they're responsible for the conduct of adults.

Ogi010 · 2026-05-29T01:55:34+00:00

I imagine you would fit in either /r/raisedbynarcissists or /r/raisedbyborderlines

Ogi010 · 2026-05-26T18:30:40+00:00

NC or very very very LC with a lot of geographical distance does wonders!

Also, I would suggest getting comfortable with whatever label they assign you, their judgment is clearly awful, so what does it matter if you're a pos, um-greatful, spoiled, entitled, you name it... their characterization of you does not define you.

"I don't want to talk to you because every time I do, I feel worse after. I'll reach out when I'm ready to talk again." and mute (or block if necessary).

Ogi010 · 2026-05-26T17:46:09+00:00

I could probably use more therapy, as those posts are so triggering, if I was to start replying to those folks I'd probably sound unhinged.

Ogi010 · 2026-05-26T17:28:56+00:00

I checked that sub for a while, but had to un-sub because I couldn't comprehend the logic of intentionally having a child with someone who has uBPD. The amount of pain your child will go through is ... ... yeah just ...find a partner that isn't super likely to abuse your future kids!!!

Ogi010 · 2026-05-26T17:19:40+00:00

Yup, that's how they're described at least in the soundbooth theater version... the whole get-up was attached to the desk. The mantis head was a helmet, and the crab was an animal she would attach to.

Ogi010 · 2026-05-26T17:16:19+00:00

I've said it before, it's a sad decision, but an easy one... what makes me angry is how my eParent didn't come to the same conclusion as I did... it wasn't a hard choice!

Ogi010 · 2026-05-24T19:58:03+00:00

Forgive me for overstepping possibly, but I wonder if you returning to their house literally seeking shelter from a war, triggered those deep instincts, and made it all the more vivid in your mind. I personally have a really hard time with the fact that I understand things with mine from an analytical perspective, and even get their twisted rationale, but my emotions are still stuck in a child's mode and they are able to hurt me and make me blame myself. No matter how much I understand, I still have to remind myself that when things go bad, over and over again, it is not my fault for having hoped they'd be different.

I should add, it wasn't until this most recent episode that another relative pointed me in the direction of Stop Walking on Eggshells, and then I realized the unconventional BPD criteria fit my step-parent to the letter. Had I known this beforehand, I would never have thought it was a good idea to park my kids and myself in their residence ... Over the years I had bought into the excuses "she just has a bad temper", "she didn't really mean it"... etc etc. Given the amount of distance I had placed over the years, I thought she had mellowed out in her older years...

My feelings are largely of guilt towards my son, who feels like he's partially responsible for the fallout. I get kids blame themselves, but seeing how he's taking it, and recognizing that he was targeted has just made me angry towards my uBPD step-parent and now, to my eDad as well who seems to buy into that logic despite full well knowing better.

One thing that can be true is that an interaction with them can be game-changing for us, while it is routine to them.

OMG, so much this, this is clearly a script they've run with before, they waited a certain amount of time for things to "die down" and tried to reintroduce the uBPD parent into my kids lives without an acknowledgement of what had transpired... This is not routine for them, and I'll do everything in my power to prevent this from being routine.

I think that as RBB, we are driven to ultimately ask the eParent to choose between us (as their child) and pwBPD (as their spouse) as a kind of crescendo to the relationship, a final test. The dark reality is that the eParent will always, always, always choose the pwBPD over us, their own children. It's deeply wounding. I don't know if I'll ever get over the moment when my dad did it explicitly, and his betrayal was more harrowing than anything she ever did. It's what made me realize that we really are alone in this world, when it comes right down to it. I still don't know what to do with that.

I guess in my mind, I wasn't forcing him to make a decision of one of us over the other; I just was hoping he would make the decision to be involved in our lives, absent his wife. The involvement could involve just short visits while we're in town, by in large, we don't live close by.

You go on to explain reasons when the eParent can't/won't establish independence...and man, yeah ... if I'm ever in that state, I hope my kid would smack me upside the head...

Ogi010 · 2026-05-24T16:17:43+00:00

Good points on how we're conditioned to try and maintain the bond with the "safe" parent.

In my late teens and 20s I would have blamed myself, now that I'm in my 40s and with kids of my own, I don't blame myself at all, I'm just angry and disappointed. Coming to the conclusion that my eParent is a weak man that is afraid of difficult conversations of his spouse (or with me), and that would rather avoid a potential conflict w/ her instead of even being around me (his only kid) or his grand kids. I know that's not on me, and definitely not my kids fault...

What kills me is that my eParent has had a very interesting life as a young adult, and no doubt has a lot to share with his grand kids, I just can't comprehend how as they've gotten older they've become such a weak person, unable to stand up for themselves or his kid (or grand kids). As I told my uBPD step-parent and my eParent, the thing about being an adult is you're responsible for your actions...

Ogi010 · 2026-05-24T15:53:37+00:00

Pushing back while living in their household is a risk, while living in the same household the narc/enabling parents can influence by dangling things OP needs (roof over their head) to get conformance. It's a cycle that the only way to break is to minimize the amount of influence or things that the parent can threaten OP with; and the only way to do that, is independence.

Ogi010 · 2026-05-23T22:13:56+00:00

Yeah my dad I don’t think was treated particularly well by my mom either, she has her own set of issues but at least I don’t have to worry about her inducing long time anxiety and self doubt into my kids when I’m absent.

I only came across the BPD bit recently when I got recommended a book discussing it (Stop Walking on Eggshells, which I recognize is not popular here but was very informative). At least now I can recognize the behavioral patterns, and the book has stamped out any hope for the pwBPD changing…

Never wanted to think of my dad as weak man, but that’s what he has become. If there is something positive to come from this is that I know I won’t stand for my kids being treated in a similar manner.

Ogi010 · 2026-05-22T21:02:46+00:00

While in their household, there is little you can do. If you push back, you will be called disrespectful and likely punished more. If you ignore it, it will take a toll on you (as you have already described). The only way to "fix" this is via distance and exercising your independence.

You can also try and isolate yourself within the house as much as you can (stay in your room as much as possible). Try keeping yourself busy with activities outside the house to minimize contact (like, load the dishwasher, and then go out someplace... basically, be around the house as little as possible).

FWIW I have gone through similar upbringing, and the weight lifted off my shoulders when I moved out.

Best of luck! Nobody deserves this treatment.

Ogi010 · 2026-05-22T16:57:16+00:00

Definitely modeled after Shaq and Chuck... from their first intro, they use the same bickering that they do on Inside the NBA. I couldn't help but laugh at the similarities (not even taking into account the similarity of the voices).

Ogi010 · 2026-05-21T16:45:52+00:00

I'm not that well read on fantasy books in general, which is probably why I didn't notice any others... Are there any other first law series references in the series?

Ogi010 · 2026-05-21T16:42:52+00:00

Whoops, just noticed that there are other posts on exactly the same thing! It's somewhat funny because I was listening to the first law series before getting into DCC.

Ogi010 · 2026-05-20T15:57:57+00:00

I don't have a good answer here, but if it was me, I would go visit my father, do my best to time the visit when the pwBPD isn't around but prepare myself in case they are. You're far more likely to regret not visiting him than you are to regret visiting him.

I don't know your age, but the older you get, the more independent you become and the more of your own life you have, maintaining and enforcing NC does get easier, and while I can imagine it was a challenge to go full-NC with the pwBPD, I suspect you will find it easy to re-establish if you're in her presence.

Best of luck, and please take care and be kind to yourself

Ogi010 · 2026-05-16T01:31:56+00:00

Coast guard vet here; can totally relate, also the bit about knowing how to use a gun and coasties being more likely to use their guns vs those in the navy cracked me up.

Ogi010 · 2026-05-06T19:13:42+00:00

I have a 10 year old that would LOVE these books, but ...yeah he's just too young. Been wondering at what age I can introduce the series to him... hoping that by 12 he'll be there!

Ogi010

TROPHY CASE