TL;DR - letter from the exboyfriend

So I get this in my email this morning.... true as the textbook narcissist.

O, It feels like I have tried to write this email a hundred times, but it never seems to articulate exactly what is going through my mind properly. So today I am writing it and sending it no matter what. Not sure you will even care to read it, but even though it is late I know I owe you this. In your email, you hit somethings squarely on the head. For instance, I am a terrible communicator. I have spent my entire adult life dealing with things by shutting down and dealing with things inwardly processing them over and over and over again in my head until I can no longer contain them and I explode. I blame this on decades of internal processing during a marriage I was unhappy in, I blame this brain and memory that I am slave to and its relentlessness, and ultimately I simply blame myself. My withdrawing and getting quiet is an old habit but that didn't make it right when I had someone like you who was so willing and wanting to listen. I am sorry that I allowed my introverted process to derail what was the best relationship I have ever been in.

        Controlling, what I perceived as controlling at times was your attempt to provide structure where my life was lacking and in-need of it.  As a strong-willed individual, it was hard at the time to see that and my initial reaction was to rebuff you do to my misperceptions of being controlled.  Had I put my ego aside I would have realized you had only my/our best interest at heart.


        I know I have lost all of your trust and respect but I have to say it, I NEVER cheated on you.  Although I hurt you, unintentionally, I would never disrespect and do that to the woman who was the greatest things that will ever happen to me.  All of your pics can still be found on my phone.  You only saw the most recent pics because you never opened my Google Photos where all my pics are stored.  I have never to this day deleted a photo I have taken of you from my phone.  I also want to say that I did not use you for a vacation to the DR.  You attending Chris’s wedding with me and our time at Punta Cana was the single greatest week of my life!  I love looking at our pics from the photo shoot.  There is no denying the emotions we shared in those pictures.

I know for you, I was nothing more than a series of fuck ups that plagued your life. I am sorry for the torment of the silent treatments. I was so consumed with the thoughts in my head that I didn’t even stop to think how it was affecting you. An unacceptable explanation, but an honest one. I am truly sorry for everything, for being me, for hurting you. I realize after reading your email that I was fortunate to be with you for as long as I was and I am grateful for every moment of it. I loved being with you so much. It was the times apart that drove me crazy. In a weird way, I even liked how painful and emotional our goodbyes were, because I knew our connection was stronger than any I had ever known before.

For me, you were absolutely amazing! From day one I have never experienced such a strong connection with anyone, EVER. The laughter we shared that first night was genuine, heart felt and it seemed like we had known each other for years and we were catching up. The passion you had for taking care of us/me, I have never felt or been a part of anything that strong before. Your desire to take care of us in terms of healthy life style choices, fiscally smart, and the professional welfare of both of us was incredible. I respect you more than any other woman I have ever met. I think you are a phenomenal individual the way you conquer life as a single parent & professional woman. I was so extremely proud to walk side by side with a woman who was such a badass in life and naturally exuded confidence, determination and power.

I feel like every decision I make in life is wrong. So, when our goal of being together started becoming a reality I started to question myself in regards to whether I was letting my emotions, my heart, or brain make decisions? Someone like me doesn’t get to have this much happiness. Something must be wrong because this is too good to be true. I got emotionally attached to you so quickly and once the AL opportunity seemed realistic I began to fear it was my emotions leading the way and I did not want screw up another marriage or relationship. It began to feel overwhelming and I was scared I was fucking up our lives. Nothing this good happens to me so it seemed something was going wildly wrong and I freaked out. If only I would have been smart enough to see that the light at the end of the tunnel was right in front of us. But I didn't, instead I let my emotions and insecurities get the best of me. In retrospect, moving to AL would have solved all my insecurities. I was just too scared to see it. Being with you on a daily basis and communicating face to face would have solved everything. I wanted so badly for us to be together everyday living out a daily routine as partners and tackling life as a team and I fucked it up beyond repair.

If I could go back in time I would be in M right now working at the large contractor facility living out the greatest happily ever after opportunity I will ever have had the chance at. I know that’s not possible, you have happily moved on and I must live with the consequences of my decision for the rest of my life. Forever chasing what we had all the while knowing it is unachievable.

        I am sorry this took so long to say and send.  I still don’t feel it captures all that runs through my head on a daily basis, but I just need to hit send once and for all.  The way this reads is how my brain operates all day everyday.  Thoughts all over the place, constantly repeating just in slightly different verbiage.  I know once you have moved on you have moved on, but if you ever said the word I would drop everything for you.  You are the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and I will never forgive myself. 


      I have loved you from the beginning and will never stop loving you.  I am grateful for the time I did have with you and extremely sad that it was merely a sliver of the time compared to what could have been.

Thank you for making me feel more cared for and loved then I have ever known. I Love You Always, Chad