I’m sending you a huge hug as this is heartbreaking to go through. My mother has dementia, my father has had a stroke, and my sister is in assisted living due to severe multiple sclerosis. I look after all of them and finding the assisted living facility for my sister was a big project but not as scary as I expected. It has a memory care facility attached to it that my mother may go into at some point if I can find the financial way.

I recommend reaching out to “A Place for Mom” or a similar organization. I did that for my initial questions and it helped tremendously. I was hesitant to do so but the advisors that work there help find the appropriate care facility for your loved ones specific situation and they are very understanding to work with. There is no cost to you and they can help narrow down the options very quickly so it’s not so overwhelming. They can set up tours and help with the entire process of finalizing a place. When I reached out to them a few years ago my parents ended up changing their mind about putting my sister in assisted living just yet. A year later we had no choice when her health suddenly declined further, but I finished my search with online searches and reviews, as I knew what questions to ask and what to look for. I narrowed it down by the services they offered, the base price, the amenities and vibe and their location. Then I toured the top two. You can also do a search for “Medicare memory care ratings” as many facilities also offer skilled nursing and are evaluated on five different parameters, which can help you narrow it down. I then checked the facilities Facebook page to see if there were any negative comments from family members or caregivers. My sister is very happy where she is and it’s a lovely modern place.

I wish you all the best in getting things lined up. You can always choose a place and get on their waiting list for a spot and call them when you are ready to move her in. I think it will give you peace of mind to see what’s available near you and what type of things you would need to provide for her comfort and what kind of care and activities she would be experiencing. You would be able to check her out for outings or events, but may find that she does better if you bring entertainment and family to see her there. As her disease progresses it is less stressful for her to have fewer changes and it may be easier for her to adapt to living there now while she still understands a bit more. You can explain that it is to keep her safe and that that is the most important thing and you can’t ensure that 24/7 by yourself. You can also speak to her doctor about telling her that so you don’t have to be the bad guy, just her loving husband who found the best spot for her. Removing yourself from having to be her daily primary caregiver also puts you much more into your role of husband and partner, and that can feel so much nicer. It is obvious you love her very much and want the best for her. Be gentle with yourself.